Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

[DanaScully83]

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

The kids in the house are the reason, it's irresponsible.

I know it's out there, I'm fully aware this kind of stuff is on the rise but like lex said it's the justification of it all that's the problem. The normalising.

I don't think it's something that most men & women would be aroused by.

Yeah I do get that.
At the end of the day I hope she can talk it through with her husband. . Work it out and get back to where she was with him.
It's a shit situation and must have been more than a shock for her for sure.

I guess what's normal for one person isn't normal for another.. (again I'm not saying violent porn is right im saying imo it's probably a pretty common thing for people who watch porn, to watch)
My opinion... again .. not a fact!!

I hope you work it out OP I really do.

Good chat, hope you all have a good Friday. Goodnight!

"Work it out and get back to where she was with him."

This is the difference here in what's being said...I know you said you know you're not good with words, but you are clearly seeing it differently than those of us saying "just leave". Then it feels like you back pedal.

It's really interesting to hear what Lex said about the difference between what was asked for in the past and what's now "normal" viewing.

Yeah I get what you mean.

It must be a difficult one when he seems great in all other aspects. Definitely a shock & OP will have a better insight once she speaks to him.

Goodnight @Roozy123

@AutumnRose1 why would I want her to leave her husband or even suggest that?
That's down to OP. . No back peddling as if you read one of my 1st comments I say the same thing... because it's true. I hope they can work it out TOGETHER. They're married and she's within her rights to feel how she does and he's within his rights to watch porn. she isn't happy with the porn he watches so they should speak... Work it out. If not.. then the only other options are leave or just put up with it which obvs , who would want to do that when they're not happy.

I agree @Everafter1 I think them talking would do the world of good. Speaking from experience it can change alot when it comes to your OH and porn.

what's now "normal" viewing
I agree. This is now "normal" when it comes to porn.
It doesn't mean it's right and I've not said once "he's doing nothing wrong let him watch a Asian violent gang bang" like I'm being made out. I've said over and over and over this, is pretty normal when it comes to porn now.
Now, some boy's 1st view on porn is to the extreme! It is normalised. . And girls 1st time.

Not all men are the same... not all men watch porn and I still stand by me saying that if all men were to show you what they watch alone this... would be the norm... not fact- my opinion... something some of you aren't understanding. It's my OPINION. you dont have to agree. . Pick at my comments etc. I stand by what I've said.

Maybe I should have added an UNFORTUNATELY it's the norm and I wouldn't have got this picking and over explaining myself.

Some of you dont think it would be the norm..... okay 🤷🏻‍♀️ your opinion!? You have your reasons and I have mine.

Again.. I hope they do talk. Work it out so she doesn't feel like this again because it's not a great feeling.

Roozy I think it might just be the wording that's not reflecting your true opinion. As small as it may seem it can alter the tone of something or even conflict with what's being said.

It's "normal". The connotations with that is that it's expected, the done thing. When you said it's common that's when I thought yes! It is common for it to be on these sites, I get you. Others who have the view that it's normal, believe morally it's fine.

He is within his rights to watch porn & op doesn't mind it. It's the content, content that's reflective of his character. A side of him that's been kept hidden. Even although he's within his rights he still has to consider others especially when it's a family unit, there's repercussions for actions.

OP will just need to gauge his response when she speaks to him. I think he'll be embarrassed & hopefully it will frighten him enough to rethink what he's getting lured into. There's no doubt in my mind that this stuff has to go up a notch over time with what's viewed for people to get their kicks. Can be a slippery slope to a consuming addiction & unfulfilling sex life. She seems strong, I'm sure she's fit for him.

i am very suspicious of anyone who finds other peoples pain arousing, and yes i know that means i need to be suspicious of a huge quantity of men....

I've read your reply and appreciate you not just making horrible digs or assuming "I'm drunk" 🙄😑

When I say normal what I mean is for example... to op husband this porn he obvs watches regularly (as she's stated about the history searches) so to him, it's just the norm to watch.
Yes I agree my 1st comment I should have said it's common and unfortunatly to alot of men and women it's normal for them to watch while for others prob pretty shocking.

When I 1st met my OH he was a porn addict. . I was pregnant really quick and would find his searches and they Wernt ever anything I was "concerned" about like the OP has said she is questioning if she should be but the way it made me feel was prob the lowest I've ever felt and insecure about myself. . . I wasn't anywhere close to the women he was choosing to "enjoy" 😕
It was a really hard time because to him he didn't see at 1st what was wrong and we spoke over and over about it.. he then started to realise where I was coming from and how it was effecting me.. us.
We came to a compramise that made us both happy.
Talking to him will do the world of good.

He could have been watching this porn for years and years so to him it's just normal... like how many women and men get- hence why history was still not deleted from prior searches and tabs still open. . Who knows. We all have our own opinion especially when it comes to this subject that I've seen a few threads now all very similar.

The 1st thing they should do is talk and go from there.

Even although he's within his rights he still has to consider others especially when it's a family unit, there's repercussions for actions.

I should have printed this on a mug for my OH when we met lol.

@MOTU - yes, I think that is really what it comes down to. Men exercise a choice in the porn they watch. Women should equally exercise choice about the men they choose to have sex with, and sexual relationships.

The fact that we are even having this debate is sad. Women (or anyone!) do not have to tolerate porn use that they do not like. It is okay not to like it. You do not need to get into the head of your partner and play delusional mental games to normalise violence. It will hurt you to do so.

Standards regarding porn and visual imagery in this country have changed in a generation. No authority is going to manage it for you. You need to manage and consider the issues for yourself.

Worth perhaps knowing too that sexual violence, or sexual sadism in any kind of film was once barely seen in the UK. There are all sorts of kinks and fetishes out there.

30 years ago, people who pursued extreme sexual content were criminalised and or considered perverts. Working girls would talk about men who liked these things and sought to avoid them (or at least demand much more money to service what was deemed deviant). Now you can access fairly extreme content in your home, and this kind of problem is one women (or anyone!) have to consider in a similar way. Some men are compulsive users of porn and persuade themselves it’s an expression of dominant masculinity: actually it’s more an indication of impotent thoughts about control.

I don’t have a solution except to say that the normalising argument is a self serving one. You should make decisions based on what is good for your mental health and what you need to feel respected and loved.

The fact that we are even having this debate is sad. Women (or anyone!) do not have to tolerate porn use that they do not like. It is okay not to like it. You do not need to get into the head of your partner and play delusional mental games to normalise violence. It will hurt you to do so

I don't think that's the point anyone's making (I'm certainly not). I write people off for less. There are certain accents that would cause me to write off an otherwise compatible person. My main issue is people painting this guy as the sort of person who stumbled upon a gang rape and starts jerking off because he enjoys what seems to be a fairly standard piece of Japanese pornography.

If what OP saw is what turns up when you search for her title, the only "extreme" thing is the fact that it involves 2 men and the noises the actress is making (typical of Japanese porn). I skimmed through it, but saw no anal, no oversized penises, no spanking (light or otherwise).

Roozy, you make no sense.

"why would I want her to leave her husband or even suggest that?"

I know. I'm suggesting she leaves him and I'm saying that you clearly don't agree with any posters saying that.

he enjoys what seems to be a fairly standard piece of Japanese pornography. which is one of the most searched for porn.
Op even stated he had searched for "Asian group sex"... not "violent gang rape of young Asian girl"

Op asks if she should be concerned by this.. my answer is no. I don't think she should be concerned. ALOT of men AND WOMEN (As for some reason men are being dragged for this when women do also watch porn.... no, not all, the same when it comes to men)

But It's her life to choose now she knows this information what she does as she's entitled to feel how she does..

@AutumnRose1
You can tell her to leave him.... so can others.

I don't think me telling her to helps!?
The same as any of you telling her to leave him helps!?

They should speak... she can stay or leave but she should start by speaking to him?
I do make sense ... we just have different opinions. I don't agree with anyone telling any op to LTB before even speaking with him!?

If she choses to leave so be it. But that's all down to her. I don't feel like it's my place to tell another woman to leave their partner like some of you do and that's fine.

"why would I want her to leave her husband or even suggest that?"

I know. I'm suggesting she leaves him and I'm saying that you clearly don't agree with any posters saying that.

So!?... why should I have to agree with op who tell her to leave her husband?? What's the problem that I don't agree with that??
Difference of opinion. Not everyone needs to agree or give the same advice..
Yours is leave him. Mine is talk to him and then make a decision.

Wow Roozy

I didn't say you had to agree

I said I found your posts hard to understand and clearly I'm not the only one

You seem to find my posts hard to understand

I'll leave it there.

And others have understood and agreed with me or had the same opinion.
I think i fully understand your posts and read them word for word.

Yeah, that's fine.

I don't think the girls were 'having sex'- they sound like they were being raped. This would be a massive issue between me and I'd discuss it directly with him. It's disgusting.

@Cariad82

There is a massive market for this stuff for a reason - an awful lot of people have darker desires that they wouldn't want to actually act out in real life, even if they wouldn't admit it to anyone. I think you're overreacting a bit sorry - I personally wouldn't have an issue with this and I've just asked a couple of friends in case I'm being a bit weird but they are of the same opinion as me.

Would you say the same if it involved children? The girls in the video could easily be underage. Your mindset and that of your friends is disgusting. Yeah let him watch it and contribute to more videos like these being made- it's all harmless fantasy stuff innit?!

Well I actually took the trouble of copying the title into Google and the first video that came up was very mild compared to what's out there.

It was two guys just using their fingers and everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves! Was it this one? I didn't click on anything else as it all sounded so rubbish!

Posters often make porn titles much more extreme to get more views - I really wouldn't be worried if I knew my DH had been watching this.

He was a bit of an idiot to leave the porn tab open and hand his wife the laptop...

The violence would bother me most of all. Fantasies are fine but violent ones? Not so much.

TinyTinathy
Did you read my link about the japanese porn industry?

I wasn't anywhere close to the women he was choosing to "enjoy" 😕 yeah Rooz there's that angle too, it sometimes just doesn't work for relationships. Both need to be on the same page.

It was two guys just using their fingers and everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves! Was it this one?
If it was horrific, shocking, violent and she was crying & in pain like OP described then yes it was the same one.

My main issue is people painting this guy as the sort of person who stumbled upon a gang rape and starts jerking off because he enjoys what seems to be a fairly standard piece of Japanese pornography.
This isn't making too much sense. Stumbling across it is one thing, as I've previously said he could've came across it & shut it off, fine. If he's searching gang rape to masturbate to, that's entirely different. The latter is the one that's problematic & I'm not surprised she doesn't want that in a partner. Again violent porn being standard is only going to be standard to those who are sexually aroused by someone being forced & not enjoying the sex they're having.

I think this all needs to be put in context to actually help OP. The main thing here is this goes against everything her husband seems to stand for. He's shared her same views on women's issues etc. It doesn't fit in with the person she knows so it's raising questions.
If he had a history of violence or abuse, even the victim of the correlation would be there. If he had no respect for women, wasn't a supportive partner I'm sure it wouldn't have been a shock.

And they say romance is dead eh!!