Fear of going to the toilet

[EdserNUMB]

Hello ladies. Bit of an embarrassing situation. I've been with a guy for 7 years that has drummed into my head that women shouldn't poo and it's wrong. It's got to the point that when he's in the house I can't physically go, or go anywhere in anyone else's house. After being pulled up about it by his friends he now says well it is wrong but just go if you have to. He doesn't understand the damage it has caused me psychologically. I just can't go. I actually think I need therapy for it. And he can't understand why it's his fault. He's literally non stop drummed it into me, even said it infront of friends and family. Walks in on me in the bathroom and even if he hears me we he says urrrhh like I'm disgusting. I just don't know what to do 😒

Have you googled this a lot?

I had to train myself to be able to poo in other places. Now I am a bit more free and easy about it, as long as nobody can hear me! So I wait until everyone else is watching TV and choose the toilet as far away as possible.

I trained myself by turning a radio on in the bathroom (or putting a podcast on on my phone, telling everyone it had to be loud so I could hear it over the sound of the shower), then running the shower and pooing. In the toilet, obviously, not the shower. I could then tell myself that everyone thought I was just taking a while to shower, and the sound of the radio or podcast drowned everything else out (it pretty much does).

The way I dealt with it in my own head was to reconcile myself to the fact I don't do anything actively disgusting such as leaving a mess for others, for example, but what I have to do is what I have to do.

The good news is that once you learn not to care about something you can't change, like this, not taking any nonsense from anyone about anything starts to come naturally.

You are not weak. You have recognised that his behaviour is wrong.

OP you are allowing him to pass his MH issue on to YOU. He does not sound well enough to have a relationship with anyone until he has sorted out this issue.

And YOU need CBT to overcome this - which cannot possibly take effect while you are with someone who reinforces the problem.

For your and your children's sake - break away from him completely. How would you feel if any of your children picked up on your issues and developed issues themselves?

Your partner is an ignorant and sexist imbecile. How a grown ass adult thinks another human being of the opposite sex does not need to move their bowels is beyond me. It sounds like both of you could benefit from intense psychotherapy. The second I'd heard a man spout that bullshit to me I'd have run away and thanked my lucky stars for escaping

Edser, do you not already suffer from bowel dysregulation from your EDS? Me and my partner both do - in my case I am eternally constipated, and in her case the complete opposite - food goes literally straight through her. Neither of us have a choice but to go when the urge appears, it can't be put off never mind ignored.

If he is your carer and your condition worsens, how do you think he will cope with that?

Wtf? Sorry op. I find this most odd. It's almost controlling. Do what you like. You will make yourself unwell otherwise.

OP I haven't read through all of your thread but just want to say I was in a similar situation years ago. My partner always used to tell me it was wrong for women to poo/fart and I thought he was joking at first! But soon became clear he meant it. Eventually I too became unable to go when he was around and would only do so when he was at work or out. I've always been the type of person who prefers going in my own home, I struggle for a few days to relax enough to go on holiday etc but I'm alot worse since I was with him.
Infact in subsequent relationships i find it impossible to even fart infront of them because I'm still in the mindset that women shouldn't do it, even though they've said it's perfectly normal for me to do so.
But why shouldn't we!? Men and women have the same digestive system, it's not wrong for a woman to do the things men do without second thought. I left my partner for many other reasons but I realise he had no right to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed for doing something completely natural. If it has damaged you physically and psychologically you need to leave.

www.newstatesman.com/society/2014/12/why-bodily-functions-are-feminist-issue

Oh ffs. Leave him. He's deranged

I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to say like everyone else this is abuse.

I was with a man like this for 5 years. It was always said in a jokey way but constantly.

I left him 3 years ago and still cannot open my bowels if I'm in my house with a man I'm seeing. I've had relationships since where we've spent 3/4 days together. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and my body physically won't let me go. I get constipated (I don't in any other circumstance).

The relationship affected my physiologically and that has led to me physically having bowel problems in other men's presence.

I highly doubt this is the only way your oh is abusive. Please really think about ending the relationship and look into emotional abuse and coercive control.

Leave him and then have a satisfying shit out

Just ignore him and poo when u have to poo. You are human. You poo. So what. No one poos out Roses of course it's not the most pleasant thing in the world. Remind yourself even the queen poos. You have a right to poo. Everyone does. It's your house. Your toilet. Your life. Your poo. Take back control. Be proud to poo comfortably. He is 2 sandwiches sort of a picnic of he thinks women dont poo. Come on? He cant believe that? He is just being mean and trying to annoy u. The best thing to do is not let him annoy u. Just poo. U have being doing it your whole life. Good luck. In situations where I have to stand up for myself I often ask myself what would my advice be to dd in this situation then take that advice. What would u say to your DC if they were u?

Why would you chose to be with someone who humilates and abuses you like this?

You know his 'theory' is nonsense.

You can't live like this. No-one should ever be asked to live like this. It's inhumane.

This isn't even about the toilet issue, that's a red herring.

It's about a man who is a misogynist, because he believes women don't even have the right to carry out bodily functions without judgement if he doesn't like them!

And it doesn't matter why he thinks that. Whether it's a result of childhood trauma or just plain sexism, the fact is he has made you uncomfortable to the level of fear about doing something that every human has to do.

It's not your responsibly to fix him or identify exactly why he is this way, it is your responsibility to respond to him in a way that you are genuinely happy with.

He sounds at best troubled and unable to be in a healthy relationships until he battles his demons. At worst he is a misogynist prick who doesn't care about your happiness .

Either way, red flag.

You sound like you're almost disgusted by yourself and that's really sad, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I think you should rethink the relationship as a whole and consider whether you're happy being with him.

He’s controlling and abusive. Get rid. Everybody poos. I wonder what other unrealistic expectations he drummed into you- women can’t be seen without make up for example? No body hair?..
It will only get worse. Get rid so you can poo freely!