Fear of going to the toilet

[EdserNUMB]

Hello ladies. Bit of an embarrassing situation. I've been with a guy for 7 years that has drummed into my head that women shouldn't poo and it's wrong. It's got to the point that when he's in the house I can't physically go, or go anywhere in anyone else's house. After being pulled up about it by his friends he now says well it is wrong but just go if you have to. He doesn't understand the damage it has caused me psychologically. I just can't go. I actually think I need therapy for it. And he can't understand why it's his fault. He's literally non stop drummed it into me, even said it infront of friends and family. Walks in on me in the bathroom and even if he hears me we he says urrrhh like I'm disgusting. I just don't know what to do 😒

But what doesn't help is other men posting stuff on social media saying its wrong for women to poo.

Never seen this on social media in my life. Perhaps you need to change who you follow.

I’d advise against other discussing their toilet habits as you never know who’s getting off to them 🤢🤮

Leave him. Life’s too short.

Others *

Where will it stop....

So women aren’t “allowed” to poo, are they allowed to pee?

What about eating? No eating means no pooing obviously but what about drinking?

Then breathing - are women allowed to breathe and are women even allowed to live?

And if women aren’t allowed to poo but men are allowed to poo (and spend 20 mins doing it) why is it women who get to clean their crap (with out without the “mumsnet” toilet brush) off the loo and also replace the loo roll when it runs out.

He sounds unhinged. Get rid of him. Whether he likes it or not, women burp, fart, pee, poo, have periods etc. It's not something you can just stop.
Sounds like some very extreme controlling behaviour. You'd be far better off without him

Bloody hell...sounds like a rule for women in Gilead.

Seriously, OP he sounds abusive.

And this is for him 💩

I'm all for woman not farting but you need to shit... can you not become soooo bunged up that you will end up spewing it out.. or am I just that gullible

Surely he doesn’t believe women should never poo? Does he mean that you shouldn’t poo while he’s in the house?

He’s nuts either way but I’m interested in how nuts.

But what doesn't help is other men posting stuff on social media saying its wrong for women to poo. I didn't realise there were so many men that think this way.

I have never seen such a post

I have never met a man who thinks this way

did I read it right that previously he used to barge into the bathroom,?
To what end? To try to catch you out/check you were not having a poo?

This IS abuse. Even if everything else is great, this is the literal 'how much poo in a cup of coffee makes it OK' abuse

even now, even when the light has been shone onto it and others agree with you, he still doesnt believe it really. He has said 'OK bloody poo then' but then sent you a link to another man with warped ideas to justify why he is correct.

Im guessing it comes from his childhood - its that deeply ingrained. You say his mother was controlled in the same way - he has it in his mind from there, for whatever reasons. But that doesnt help you now, does it. And frankly, even if you get over the pooing thing yourself, I fear he will be so angry about it that the abuse will pop up elsewhere.

He probably doesnt even know why he does it, its so deep. Which is why he wont be able to explain why he will get so angry when you ignore him. Its about defensive reactions, pure survival instinct for him, as its wrapped up in his own abuse. Its a desire to control to make him feel safe. So when you recover and are able to function digestively, its going to rock his security to the core, and thats not a good place to be when you have someone dealing with extreme PTSD from abuse. So this seems a silly and joking matter but I really worry that it could get very nasty.

Controlling someones bodily functions is about as abusive and controlling as can be. It doesnt matter WHY, what matters is that he is doing it, and has trained you, via shame and fear, to comply with his demands. And to realise that when you fail to continue, or take steps to regain control of your body, that the abuse is likely to escalate in other parts of your life as he feels his control and safety slipping. Again, he may not be able to verbalise it, he may not even be able to say that this is the reason, he may not do it deliberately, but you will be left with dealing with him in a raw state, with all his insecurities rising to the surface and he will go into complete PTSD survival mode.

It's called Parcopresis, I suffer from it due to my mum humiliating me because I pooped myself when I was 3 or 4. At the ripe old age of 34, it's life-limiting and controls everything I do. My friends daughter has the same issue for a similar reason - parental humiliation.

I've tried CBT and am about to embark on another round of hypnotherapy in the hope something will work.

I'm heartbroken to hear this man has done this to you. It's definitely a form of abuse that might have a permanent impact on your mentality and your life. Please leave him before you get even worse - don't end up like a prisoner like myself. No group holidays, no random days out or long days out, no stability in relationships because you can't live with them or spend the weekend away with them... it's horrible. Please leave and get help before it's too late. 😔💔

@HeadintheiClouds

The experience was from a very long time ago when I was about 19 and with a very controlling boyfriend. I didn't know any better due to a very, very controlling parent and being too naive to tell the shithead where to go. I now have problems with my digestion that started from exactly that point.

Why the challenge?

He’s abusing you. Why do you give a fuck about whether he sorts himself out in therapy? You are pandering to his bullshit misogynistic theories. Don’t waste anymore time on him. Smack him about the face with a dirty toilet brush when he’s asleep and leave. Let him explain that one in therapy.

Tell him that men like him SHOULD NOT BREATHE, as it is disgusting that they do.

why live with him if you don't have dc together.

Smack him about the face with a dirty toilet brush when he’s asleep and leave.

This is brilliant. I'd also go as far as making him a Shit Pie just like in the film, The Help.

@EdserNUMB. His treatment is abusive. Why are you still with him?

I do appreciate all you comments and maybe this is the wake up call I need. You are all right.. It is totally wrong and for some stupid reason I have let this happen. Sad I know but I guess I'm weaker than I thought 😞

The man's treating you like an animal.

That's not true. I've had animals all my life, we've always allowed them to toilet.

Nobody treats animals this way because it's normal for animals to defecate.

OP, this isn't a small matter, he's controlled you to the point you cannot defecate in your own home when you need to, and you're saying he's not controlling.

Honestly, this is one of the worst forms of control I've ever read on here, and there's been some awful examples.

I agree with other posters, you need to go to some talking therapy yourself because you're actually a victim here and now have all these issues with your toileting that he's given you.

You have no idea how his views have affected your children, they may be internalising it too, the same way you are. I pray you don't have a daughter, although having a son who believes women shouldn't shit isn't exactly a good thing either.

I also have this condition and I didn't realise there was a name for it!
I agree that it's life limiting.

RLEOM, I identify with everything that you say!

www.tinypioneer.co.uk/tinys-blog/digestive-disorders-parcopresis
'Many people would admit that they feel awkward emptying their bowels in situations where other people might know about it. Ideally most of us try to cultivate a routine where we go to the toilet before or after work, so that we can have privacy and secrecy for the act. While it’s acknowledged that everyone empties their bowels at one time or another, it is considered a requirement of polite society that you do it in your own home whenever possible. I’ve found that in general men tend to be a bit more free and easy about it, but as a woman, there is often an unspoken rule that you must hold it in until you get home. It would be considered a faux pas indeed for a female to poo in cubicle toilets at work; in her friend’s bathroom; in any place where she was known (e.g. her local pub); or in ANY public bathroom if someone she knew was in one of the other stalls. Only a really confident, unapologetic, socially dominant sort of girl would generally feel comfortable doing anything like that. Mere mortals are expected to wait until we get home, or do it very secretly'

I can't understand how he justifies it.
Does he think women do not physically need to go?
I can't wrap my head round it.
What does he actually say, what is his reasoning

PleAse read and reread nettleteas post.

I know that it feels silly to leave a relationship of 7 years over something g that he has always had an issue with but it is a big deal.

Nettletea has explained things very well. You cannot control him, you can control yourself and how you allow him to control you.

I don't say this often but leave him - please leave him