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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fear of going to the toilet

166 replies

EdserNUMB · 25/09/2019 00:07

Hello ladies. Bit of an embarrassing situation. I've been with a guy for 7 years that has drummed into my head that women shouldn't poo and it's wrong. It's got to the point that when he's in the house I can't physically go, or go anywhere in anyone else's house. After being pulled up about it by his friends he now says well it is wrong but just go if you have to. He doesn't understand the damage it has caused me psychologically. I just can't go. I actually think I need therapy for it. And he can't understand why it's his fault. He's literally non stop drummed it into me, even said it infront of friends and family. Walks in on me in the bathroom and even if he hears me we he says urrrhh like I'm disgusting. I just don't know what to do 😒

OP posts:
DoubtingMyPatience · 25/09/2019 04:46

Shit in his pillowcase and leave him.

meccacos2 · 25/09/2019 04:50

I took ages before I could poop at my boyfriends house.

When I finally pooped he gave me a hug and made a big deal out of it.

It was pretty funny.

You need to poop. You’ll end up with bowel problems if you don’t.

You need to get rid of the guy. You really do.

DoubtingMyPatience · 25/09/2019 04:54

On a serious note. I’m very much like you.

I’m with another man now though and it took approx 4 years to get comfortable win the thought of pooing in the same household, we bought a house together and I was actually going to my mum house for a poo. It was so silly. When he clocked on he was just like “everyone poos, why do you go to your mums for a poo and when we have a perfectly good bathroom in our home?” And that was it, I can go at home now, and I can even tell him if I’ve got an upset stomach or if I (because I’m 23 weeks pregnant) I’m constipated. I had blood in my poo after being really poorly at the beginning of the year and I went crying to him thinking I had cancer or something terrible. He helped me ring 111 for advice and said it’s hapepnee to him too and it was nothing to worry about. (It was due to a concoction of extremely strong doses of ibuprofen for 2 weeks on an empty stomach, with penicillin and paracetamol).

I still, to this day, cannot pass gas around him though!

You need to find a better man OP, you’ll make yourself ill by not going regularly, I’m sure he’s have a lot to say if you were hospitalised with a blocked bowel. Get rid and find a man who loves you for you and your poo!

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 05:41

You need to end it with him op, this will make you unwell

Angelf1sh · 25/09/2019 05:49

Stop choosing to be in a relationship with this person. He’s not a good person. I don’t care what conditions he’s got, his demands could literally kill you. I have no idea why you didn’t immediately laugh in his face and show him the door the first time he said it, but pull yourself together now and kick him out of your life. Problem solved.

To everyone else reading, I wouldn’t share stories about personal bowel movements (or similar) with anyone who starts a post with “hello ladies”, you might want to consider taking the same position.

Pinkyyy · 25/09/2019 06:07

This is madness.

user1480880826 · 25/09/2019 06:12

Your husband treats you like an animal. This is abuse. You need to speak to your GP.

What is stopping you from leaving him?

daffodilrosedaisy · 25/09/2019 06:14

I’m the same! Around friends or partners I am way to embarrassed to do it! I don’t mind weeing but number 2 or farting, no way! I find it all so embarrassing and horrible which is so silly I know... one time my sisters were asleep in the only room that had a tiny en suite and I couldn’t bear the thought of them waking me up to the sound of me pooing right next to them, so I held on for over 7 hours before I could go home and was in so much pain. So it’s not just you but the fact your worry has been caused by your partner is SO not okay. He cannot treat you like that, and you can’t live the rest of your life like that either! Leave him xxx

ShippingNews · 25/09/2019 06:19

Does he wee and poo in the same house as you ? Or does his "rule" only apply to women ? He's weird.

MidnightMystery · 25/09/2019 06:23

I feel so sorry for you, that's no way to be treated by your partner!

Its abusive making you feel like you can't do something so natural .
I think we can all agree it's not the nicest thing to do but we can't change it it's not a choice! X

AJPTaylor · 25/09/2019 06:28

You do know what to do.
Leave him! Jesus.

Pinkyyy · 25/09/2019 06:29

Do you have any daughters? Are they allowed to poo? I hope you're not thinking of allowing this to be inflicted on your children.

Russell19 · 25/09/2019 06:33

It's not just him that needs help from a therapist. Just poo when he's in the house, in the next room even. Just do it. Don't go along with his controlling behaviour. Once he realises you are not going with it he will stop going on about it. What's he going to do, leave?

CrumpetyTea · 25/09/2019 06:38

Sorry I don't understand - he cannot seriously think that women don't poo or wee - has he got the slightest grasp of biology? or does he simply think women should be very discreet about it?
if the former - why didn't you simply say - of course they do . heres a diagram/biology text book.
if the latter- well I tend to think everyone should be a bit discreet- you shouldn't announce I'm going for a crap or describe what you've done - but not unique to ladies.
I can't believe you have spent 7 years facilitating him- how has he drummed it into you? what else does he have you believing/complying with?

I do have friends who have problems going in anything other than their own loo - they seem to develop amazing bowel control (I've been at festivals with them and envy them)

ChevalierTialys · 25/09/2019 06:43

@EdserNUMB you are not alone. My ex used to do this. He used to make me feel so ashamed that I had to wait until he'd left for work every day before I could go. Weekends were a nightmare. We lived together for 9 years. When he comes round now to pick up/drop off the DC I can't use my bathroom until he's left because it still gives me anxiety. The one time I did, he went in after me and when he came out he made sure to tell me I'm a scruffy bitch for doing a shit.

This genuinely is a form of abuse.

boujie · 25/09/2019 06:47

You don't need to keep putting up with this, OP, just because you have so far. If he won't agree to go to therapy about this, just dump the fucker. He has already caused you significant psychological and physical harm with this abusive behaviour.

Do you have daughters? Do they live with you? If so I would be hugely concerned about what this is doing to them.

BuildBuildings · 25/09/2019 06:48

This is abusive.

It is odd how lots of poo posts crop up at night.

DonPablo · 25/09/2019 06:55

What I don't get is how this took hold. Because the first time he'd said anything like that to me I'd have laughed and said yeah right. If he'd have persisted, he'd have been out on his ear.

Its time to let him go. He's damaged and damaging.

I'm not sure I believe all this, but I answered in good faith.

Flipswhitefudge · 25/09/2019 07:02

Wow, what a deep thinker. He sounds as dumb as a box of hammers.

conderellainyellakissedafella · 25/09/2019 07:10

Op you need to leave him. Compacted poo can cause serious issues including death if it bursts( sorry tmi) why not buy him the kids book 'everybody poos' and read it to him?

CouscousEvaporator · 25/09/2019 07:10

If you are holding poo in for long periods you are seriously risking your bowel health, I cannot stress this enough. Not only is impacted bowel a risk (where you can actually vomit poo - see how he likes that!!) but also not pooing regularly enough has known links to colorectal cancer.
Absolutely get rid of him he is a prick.

AloneLonelyLoner · 25/09/2019 07:13

He an abusive control freak and using his mental health problems as a reason for it is unfair on people who have mental health issues. Controlling behaviour like this is abuse pure and simple.

On any level he knows you are human and therefore must poo. He is using it as a stick to beat you.
Please LTB and I don't say that lightly.

Original poster
EdserNUMB · 25/09/2019 07:16

He has Psychotherapy once a week because he was diagnosed with PTSD they mainly talk about his childhood. This subject however hasn't come up because he is probably to embarrassed to admit he's got a problem with it. And probably wouldn't want to admit what it's done to me. This is why I want his therapist to know but I don't get to go with him. So even if I was to leave I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this. And he deserves to get help just like anyone else.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 07:18

You can't change him for his next girlfriend
Hopefully she won't put up with any of his nonsense as long as you have though.
How did this work when you started dating? Has he always been like this?

PixiKitKat · 25/09/2019 07:21

In comparison, my partner and I tell each other about our poops 🥺 like I'll know if he's been twice today and he'll know if I've had an upset tummy.

It's a normal bodily function and he needs to grow up and get over himself.