Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fear of going to the toilet

166 replies

EdserNUMB · 25/09/2019 00:07

Hello ladies. Bit of an embarrassing situation. I've been with a guy for 7 years that has drummed into my head that women shouldn't poo and it's wrong. It's got to the point that when he's in the house I can't physically go, or go anywhere in anyone else's house. After being pulled up about it by his friends he now says well it is wrong but just go if you have to. He doesn't understand the damage it has caused me psychologically. I just can't go. I actually think I need therapy for it. And he can't understand why it's his fault. He's literally non stop drummed it into me, even said it infront of friends and family. Walks in on me in the bathroom and even if he hears me we he says urrrhh like I'm disgusting. I just don't know what to do 😒

OP posts:
imfeelinit · 25/09/2019 07:21

OP i know how you feel.. so much so I wrote a post about this a few years back and it got deleted.

I know exactly how you feel and ended up ending the relationship as psychologically it was not healthy for me to deal with that daily.

Either a serious chat is needed, or get rid of the shit you're carrying around (him).

dangerrabbit · 25/09/2019 07:42

Have you considered just going for a poo when he is in the house? If it disgusts him that much for females to poo, he may dump you, then your problem will be solved.

He sounds highly controlling with a tight psychological hold on you.

Original poster
EdserNUMB · 25/09/2019 07:43

To those of you that are saying I believe his views. Of course I don't and yes I've told him all along that it's not normal. He's not beaten me up or anything it's just this one thing. And all I'm saying is.. Now he's had a few mutual friends tell him that this behavior isn't normal he now tells me just go to the loo then.... but the damage has been done, I have tried and I can't go. And actually he doesn't control me in any other way. I wear what I want, go where I want, do what I want, he looks after me when I'm ill and takes time off to do so if it's serious. He helps clean the house, he cooks, he provides and works hard. Yes this thing is bad but I do think everyone deserves to at least get help and if that doesn't work then yes obviously walk away. I have mental illness too so I'm not using his as an excuse.. I'm merely saying perhaps it's been ingrained in him in childhood by his mother, who I think has had a hugely negative impact on his life. I do believe that both of us should see his therapist to make him realise how bad this is. To those who don't believe what I'm saying and that I'm dumb to stay all that time.. maybe I am but he's the only guy that's never cheated, beaten me up, the only guy that's sat by my side after major surgeries and helped look after my kids, cook for me, clean and take time off unpaid to do so. It's just this one thing and yes it's bad but I think everyone deserves a chance to get help over a situation, especially when they've been good in all other aspects. To those who think I'm lying. Wtf why would I waste my time, I'm a busy working mum with 3 kids 2 of which are full time at work and they have no idea he has this problem as I never discuss it with them. So no he's not messing up my kids heads at all. They have no idea at all about this.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 25/09/2019 07:46

His not wanting you to ever poo is causing you more than psychological abuse, he’s physically and harming you.

Im a bit averse to public shitting but in your own home??????

Even the Queen shits, does he realize that?

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 07:48

Are you also in therapy op? It would help you

Tonnerre · 25/09/2019 07:50

How does anyone get into these situations? Surely most women encountering a man who seriously believed this would either laugh him out of it or walk away, rather than pander to it?

pollypocket952 · 25/09/2019 07:55

What a fucking freak he is.
I would have binned his arse 7 years ago OP.

Strange as it is, his behaviour is rather controlling & he has now succeeded in installing that fear. You are probably at risk of serious bowel / internal complications if you hold it in continuously. Go poo and tell him to piss off. Get air freshener, open the window, do anything you need to to make yourself feel more comfortable. Seriously OP. Not cool.

BrexitBingoGenerator · 25/09/2019 08:07

I think you’re answering your own questions here:

Yes it’s his problem, not yours.
You know it’s not wrong.
You both need help.

If you genuinely believe this relationship is worth saving, you need support with this asap. Don’t wait around looking at Internet forums to validate what you already know. You say that you have suffered mental and physical illness so it’s imperative this this happens soon for all your sakes.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/09/2019 08:07

Why hasn't he taken responsibility for this in the 7 years you've been together and talked to his therapist about it?
It may be due to repression related to his abusive childhood but he has a responsibility to make sure that doesn't make him an abusive partner. He hasn't done this - he's caused you immense physiological and possibly physical harm - at what point do you draw a line?

JorisBonson · 25/09/2019 08:08

The man's treating you like an animal.

If you become severely impacted you can throw the poo up out of your mouth.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fecal_vomiting

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 08:16

Wow I wish I hadn't clicked on that link Joris

labazsisgoingmad · 25/09/2019 08:17

my ex told me amongst other abuse physical mental sexual that i could only poo at 8 in the morning yes for years i believed that i was admitted to hospital several times due to the damage i was doing to my body. i now go when i want as does my dp but physically i am still paying at times the damage it has done to my body by ignoring the signs for a natural function

JorisBonson · 25/09/2019 08:18

@Shoxfordian a social worker friend told me about it and I've never been able to forget it

sqirrelfriends · 25/09/2019 08:19

Sorry op, I hate to say this but he sounds abusive. He can't honestly think that women don't need to poo?!

If it's damaging your physical or mental health then please ltb. Holding it in isn't healthy and you should not be feeling like this because of some idiot who doesn't understand basic biology.

Bouledeneige · 25/09/2019 08:26

OP it is physically dangerous to retain waste in your body and it could cause you serious health complications. All animals poo and to imagine that women can't Is utterly ignorant. To coerce someone else not to is controlling and abusive. How can you be with such an ignorant man?

I'm afraid I can't begin to imagine why you have tried to comply with such stupidity. He does need therapy but the thought you need evidence to show him he's wrong suggests you are in a very powerless and dominated place. You should leave him and get help for yourself ASAP. It's horrendous.

italianfiat · 25/09/2019 08:29

So no he's not messing up my kids heads at all. They have no idea at all about this.

They will eventually because he is seriously controlling you, messing up your head, and causing you physical problems.

So, why are you with him?

acatcalledjohn · 25/09/2019 08:29

There is nothing nice about that man.

You just go and be a pretty image of a woman. You should be naturally hairless and never use the toilet, you wake up fully groomed.

bluejelly · 25/09/2019 08:32

Edser your partner is horrible and abusive. What an awful thing to do to someone. Please make plans to leave. You cannot live like this

Glitterb · 25/09/2019 08:33

I really do feel for you OP

I have always been funny about going for a poo, I have given myself horrendous stomach aches before as I was desperate. I only feel comfortable going to the toilet at home! My boyfriend wouldn’t care if I went for a poo in front of him (obviously this is beyond anything I could currently consider at the moment!) we often go away for weekends and even though I need to go and will try, often I just can’t. It is so frustrating! Even on holiday it can be a week before I can go, if at all. By this point I am bloated and uncomfortable! Any tips on how to get over this would be welcome!

CrumpetyTea · 25/09/2019 08:35

SO from your update it sounds like he has changed his beliefs? opinions? so is no longer doing this (to some degree)- so it is really a question of the impact that the historical way he acted had - so leaving him wouldn't necessarily be a solution as even without ongoing indoctrination/control you would still have a problem.
I would go to a therapist/GP about it and discuss ways to re-educate yourself physically and psychologically

JorisBonson · 25/09/2019 08:41

he's the only guy that's never cheated, beaten me up, the only guy that's sat by my side after major surgeries and helped look after my kids, cook for me, clean and take time off unpaid to do so

Yet he is mentally abusive which is causing you physical harm

Iloveacurry · 25/09/2019 08:48

Does he poo in the house when you’re there?

Cecilandsnail · 25/09/2019 08:50

I had something not the same, but similar enough, years ago in my late teens. My extremely controlling boyfriend at the time lived in a house share. The bathroom was downstairs, and he wouldn't let me go after we had both officially gone upstairs to bed because he was convinced...well, I'm not really sure what he was convinced of, something surrounding cheating or being alone (even for a millisecond, or just walking past) with the other man he shared a house with. It absolutely wrecked my head. I was only with him for about 8 months but it was enough to give me issue around toiletting at night. Even if I'd JUST been, I would lie in bed thinking I needed to go. After the relationship ended I OCD type problems where going to the loo HAD to be the very last thing I did at night, so if I for example had to do another quick task before bed I'd have to go again etc. And I would wake in the night often and have to get up to go to the loo. I couldn't even tell if I needed to go or not, it was like the paranoid horrible trapped feeling blocked my natural function of being able to feel if I had a full bladder or not. I can WELL imagine the psychological damage this has caused you. If you are intent on staying, he needs serious therapy for his fucked up thinking, you need serious therapy as he has fucked up your thinking. I'd probably start telling him you're going for a no2 regularly when you're heading to the loo (even if you're not), partially to desensitise him to the fact, but mostly as a big fat fuck you to be honest! And challenge his thinking on it a LOT. Talk science. Ask him does he think the female digestive system is different to the male? Probe his thinking. Even if at first you still need him to go out, tell him 'I need you to leave because I need to poo', and again when he comes back tell him you've been. This is honestly so fucked up. I think the fact that you say he's great in other ways is totally blinding you to the fact of how abusive he is.

Original poster
EdserNUMB · 25/09/2019 09:14

CrumtyTea you are right. It's only in the past few weeks he's said just go then as I've had the courage to bring it up in our new circle of couple friends and they have all told him he's wrong and it's not right. So only now is he saying we'll go then. But what he doesn't believe is that it's his wrong doing that made me not be able to go. I totally agree we both need therapy. Together or apart. And i do think something must of happened in childhood to make him this way. Who knows? But what doesn't help is other men posting stuff on social media saying its wrong for women to poo. I didn't realise there were so many men that think this way. I mean where does this come from.

OP posts: