Can you drive someone to an affair?

[Ididit2019]

Just this above question really

NO

Anyone having an affair needs to own their own shit and stop blaming others.

No. You can blame someone other than yourself because you’re a narcissistic twat though.

I think an affair can happen due to a couple both being unhappy but the person "driven" to an affair should have the decency to finish their relationship first.

I think that in abusive relationships someone can be so worn down they don't have the strength to leave and only find it when they meet someone who cares for them which gives them the sense of self-worth they need to leave.

I suppose you could hold a gun to their head.
We are all responsible for our own behaviour, whether we like it or not.
With the exception of those without capacity, of course.

He hasn't blamed me outright but has said I didn't show him enough love, attention or support. He hasn't shown any remorse and I wonder if I did drive him to it because I would be the one arguing and fighting as he would completely shut me out/stonewall me for days.

Yes but they are taxi drivers and it is legitimate.

But while I was flitting between pleading/crying/arguing and eventually shouting it was all to try and salvage and mend our marriage. I never looked elsewhere whereas it now transpires he did... A few times. And I just can't help have this niggling thought at the back of my mind that if I had better communication skills he wouldn't have been 'driven' to look elsewhere?

FreshwaterBay 😂 thank you for that, needed a laugh today!

No you can't. They make that choice of their own free will. Your DH is making excuses for his own appalling behaviour.

It takes a lot of effort to tango.

PestyMachtubernahme see I completely agree with this, if you are unhappy you look to mend your marriage or leave your marriage. You don't stay in it to deceive them. It says a lot about your moral code. That's the rational part of me but there is a niggle that maybe it was me.

He is remorseful for a few minutes but when I don't immediately give in to his sweet talk he very quickly resorts to name calling such as drama queen, like to play the victim etc. He also won't give me details. At first he said I could have open access to his phone but after a day decided this infringed his privacy when he wished to talk with his family members.

If your DH’s coping mechanism with relationship stress, is to go have an affair.. then clearly he isn’t fit to be in a healthy relationship.

All relationships goes through stress.. stonewalling you is emotionally abusive.

domt Blame yourself. Relationships require both sides to be willing to work through them. It is easy for him to find flaws to blame you. But ultimately an affair happened because he is childish and wanted to escape all responsibility.

You can always blame yourself for not being a martyr. But a healthy relationship doesn’t require martyrdom. It requires two mature adults willing to work through their ups and downs.

He is responsible for his own behaviour.

Which of these would you say are abusive and which are me being oversensitive?

He would tell me he would respect me more if I made more effort with my appearance. This was when I would curl my hair, wear makeup and summery dresses daily. Others would compliment me but I never received one positive from him.
Restricting how often I saw friends and family and then not talking to me when I returned if I went anyway.
When I managed to fit into my prepregnancy clothes after 3 months he asked if I'd used oil to squeeze myself back in.
3 weeks after having a cesarean sat and watched me hobble around the house cleaning and didn't offer help once.
Forcing me to kiss him after eating a hamburger, forcing his tongue in my mouth (I'm a vegan) and saying I can't have a laugh when I was horrified.

He sounds abnoxious

And emotionally controlling/abusive

That list are the minor events that happened (there are far worse ones) but just wanted to gauge how much they would upset other people.

I hope you’ve kicked his sorry arse out. He sounds bloody awful!! And if he’s done worse, abusive

No. The person who has had the affair made that decision.

You be honest and respectful to your wife/husband and end your marriage first.

Nobody made him have an affair. It was his choice and his actions. But he will seek to justify his actions by telling you repeatedly that it was your fault, if you had been different it would never have happened etc etc and so it will go on.

Please don't doubt yourself.

This is abuse. My ex husband had an affair during our marriage and blamed me, he said I was too cold, didn't communicate, unloving. Mind you he was an emotionally, financially, physically abusive narcissist.
My ex criticised my appearance daily, compared me to other women and was very 1950's about me looking after the children and cleaning the house..He didn't like me sick or ill and after operations, I never got to recover. I spent 18 years wasting my life with that POS. Only yesterday I apologised to my children for putting them through the abuse and not getting out sooner. Both my children defended me against him. I went through Women's Aid/Safer places and did the Triple R/Freedom course and had counselling.
Your husband is abusive, if you put up with it for 18 years like me, you will get ground down and lose your sparkle. Please have a wonderful life, with a man who adores you!

He sounds awful. I actually think he’s done you a favour and you should act on his infidelity and get rid of him. There are decent people out there who will model respect for a partner for your child/ren- your husband is not one of them, unfortunately.

No. Agree with most pp. Whatever you did or didn't do, does not justify an affair.
Decent people if unhappy in a relationship

1. Talk to their partner and work on it
2. If the above doesn't work, leave.

He sounds like a total dick tbh, at best, and yes abusive.

He is an abusive pig and I hope you leave him asap. Every single thing on your list is grounds enough alone to leave, but that thing about the burger is one of the most fucked up things I've read in a long time.

He's abusive, please say this is you thinking about what happened, post-split.

Lexiepuppy: was very 1950's about me looking after the children and cleaning the house..He didn't like me sick or ill and after operations, I never got to recover.

He is like this too. When I had my caesarean he made me one meal on the day I came home from hospital, after that I was expected to do all the cooking and cleaning (unless there were visitors and then he would portray a different image) but the house wasn't good enough. When I had postnatal he told me I wasn't a real woman. These were the sort of things that would make me argue as calm discussion of how I was unsupported would be met with stonewalling.