Can you drive someone to an affair?

[Ididit2019]

Just this above question really

No, you can't 'drive' a person to an affair, OP. He's just a wrong 'un, from everything you've said. Stop wasting your time on him.

And to the pp who rolled out the 'happy men don't cheat' trope: you're wrong. Loads of happily married people cheat. When Ashley Madison - the 'affair' dating website - asked members whether they'd marry their spouse again, over a third said yes. Many people just get a buzz from shagging other people, and lack the quality of character necessary to prevent them from being lying, seedy, abusive toe-rags. Why do you think so many unfaithful partners fight to get back into their partner's good books once they're found out? Because they're just so unhappy with them?

OP any situation your ex gets into will always have a common denominator - him. He'll take his shit attitude with him wherever he goes and it will poison his life no matter how it appears otherwise.

My ex I spoke about earlier went on to get together with an acquaintance who had always had a crush on him. They separated within 3 months because he was trying to dictate who she could be friends with - however just after they split she found out she was pregnant so they got back together and are now engaged to be married. On the outside they have a wonderful life, a picture postcard house in the country and two beautiful DDs. However Ex MIL told me Ex and his fiance regularly have horrendous rows (I was already remarried so no ulterior motive there) and she couldn't understand it as he was such a fantastic dad. I asked her if he had ever changed a nappy or helped with night wakings etc and she said no but he takes them to the park . I also chatted with the fiance on FB after ExH had used her FB account to snoop and accidentally sent me a friend request, she confided in me that their relationship had been extremely difficult but he was finally settling down didn't want to lose his dream house.

So don't assume all is rosy with your ex - you never know what is going on behind closed doors. I doubt he is standing as tall and intact as he appears.

MyCatHatesEverybody: I really appreciate your reply, I needed to hear that kind of story right now. He is so superficial, secretive and a complete show off that he would never give a hint of what is going on under the surface. When we were at our worst he was booking us a carribean cruise a romantic getaway and telling people 'anything for my wifey'. So it resonates about what's on the outside isn't an indicator. I have to keep reminding myself that these people don't change and it wasn't me but him. But it is a constant battle for me. I've done a lot of work on my appearance over the last year to raise my confidence but underneath is so much harder to do. I hate that whilst I was fighting to save this marriage, he was treating me so badly and now his life moves on and I am here on mumsnet holding on to feelings and mind space trying to still find answers and so disillusioned about the future. I want to see it all fall apart for him, for him to be lonely and a shell (but with my children protected from it which I know wouldn't go hand in hand). I know this is an unhealthy question but does anyone else have any stories of it falling apart for such emotionally abusive exes? Normally I'd battle these thoughts but I'm really in need of hopeful stories right now.

He's just your garden variety abusive cheating twat. There's far too many of them around. They're nothing special.

It's not your fault at all.
People go through life stress all the time. We all have some at times. Deaths, job loss, crappy boss, illness, etc. but most people don't land on someone else's bits as a response.

arseholes remain areseholes. They can pretend they are having a happy time, but they're not.

In relation to karma, like a pp has said it is very unlikely your ex is happy even if he is playing happy families - happy, decent people don't neglect their children and aren't unkind to the mother of their children - It is more likely that what is going on in his private life is the same game as went on with you.

I would see your freedom as a blessing. If you focus on you and your dc and your life and getting it back on track you will soon move on.

I think it is worth you looking into narcissistic behaviour to get an objective view. Re his neglect of your dc, some narcissists don't see their own dc as people in their own right but just as pawns in a game, apparently, so that would explain that.

Can people actually be happy with this sort of person? Are there people of a different personality who would live a happy life with someone like this or is it just that they put up with it? I think that it is more that people fall in love with the person they are first shown, and when things start to change they first think that their lovely partner will go back to being lovely soon, and maybe start to blame themselves, and over time they get worn down and can lose confidence in their inner voice. Even after seeing through it all, some people stay trapped because the abusive partner is such a threat to their dc, either directly or being used as pawns.

The thing is now he is a great dad to our dc, all of a sudden spending more time with them, doing more things now than he did before. I guess he has to impress and feels the need to. I do see some narcisstic elements in him.

You wrote He used to refuse to go anywhere with me and our dc, telling me to take them alone instead which is thought he neglected them - sorry if i got that wrong.

But can someone that displayed the traits and behaviours that he did change to that extent because they are more compatible with a different partner? no! and no, no,no! not unless he has had some kind of epiphany which is unusual and if so he would surely have come back to make amends with you, say sorry? his behaviour sounds awful and classic emotional abuse so far as i am aware

I do see some narcisstic elements in him well, NPD or not, he sounds very abusive, op. There are lovely, loving men out there who would not behave like that to anyone. Try not to waste headspace on him, unless it helps you move on.

mynewbeamer: yes when we were together he would do hardly anything with them. Now we are apart he is completely different. You're right, he never has shown remorse, in fact he has been even nastier after I left him despite it being because of his affairs. He actually laughed at me when I found out what he had done and swore at him, retaliating with swear words back. I wasn't even allowed to be angry with him for that. He didn't even allow me that much.

Your right I shouldn't be wasting headspace on him, I need to build my confidence and self esteem again. Wish I knew where to start.

You're

OP I feel as though your ex can't truly be happy inside, like a bully, why would they behave that way if inside everything was rosey with them?
So maybe there's some solace there for you.

Also give yourself a break, you are allowed to feel anger and hate and wanting him to suffer and hope his life is ruined. It's such early days still. As you recover from the abuse and become stronger your feelings for him (good and bad) will subside

Thank you avocado, I really need to hear this sort of thing right now.

You can never push someone to an affair. Society is becoming more accepting of it now, I feel. So some people are thinking it is fine. It is much easier than ever before to have affairs. The internet with its app, social media telling you about another affair (the offender side) almost everyday, more women in the workplace (this is a good thing but a lot of people use the workplace as an excuse to either search for one or claim that this is where they meet ow/om or why they are with them).

Even happy people cheat. They like the thrill or want to see what the fuss is about. Some might even fall for someone else whilst being married, no one can control their emotions but what people can control is how they act in response to said emotions. If a relationship is lacking in intimacy or sex, the right thing to do is try and help your partner, be celibate, open up the relationship (I don't count this as an affair) or leave. Find somewhere close to your family and leave. It is less harmful for your children to leave without having an affair.
I'm glad that your ex is doing the Disney dad, instead of rejecting and ignoring your children. He care a lot of his status as a good father, that you helped create. Let you children benefit from that. It is annoying but you know the truth. He like to make a show for any audience of how great he is. Just help/ raise your children the best of your ability.