Can you drive someone to an affair?

[Ididit2019]

Just this above question really

Actually yes I think one can be driven to an affair. If one partner consistently withholds love, sex and affection and refuses to do anything about it then the other partner is being held to ransom. They are pushed into a corner.
They have to choose between leaving their family / children when they don't want to and will be portrayed as the bad guy for leaving or they are forced into celibacy and a life with no affection.
Of course affairs are wrong and of course people should always seek to find a compromise or solution by talking things through. But I think in reality sometimes one partner is in denial about the state of the relationship and then is very surprised when they discover their partner cheated.
However, in your case OP he sounds abusive and nasty. Big hugs to you

See I could be accused of withholding love and affection but for me it was a natural reaction over time when my attempts at affection, care or concern would be rebuffed. Phone calls and messages ignored and then he would kick off because I hadn't sent or called enough.if I went over for a hug or kiss he would push me away-especially in public which would make me feel really embarrassed. Yet he would be all over me kissing and hugging when he would choose and I never ever pushed him away. After I found out about the affairs he told me I was a wife only in name never showing him the love and care he needed.

OP I can totally understand why you withhold affection. My scenario was not aimed at you. Your husband sounds abusive and cruel. You sound like you've really tried to make things work. Be strong and hold your head up high

I think the person engaging in the affair must take accountability for their actions, nobody is forced to have sex with someone else. Of course the perpetrator should try to sort out the relationship before it gets to that stage and many do and fail. They should leave before they head is turned but we are human and we fuck up sometimes.

I definitely think that the other partners behaviour can be a driving force for an affair; lack of trust can drive someone to do the thing they were wrongly being accused of, lack of sex and intimacy in the relationship etc.

Macaroni46:thank you

Thank you to all of you that posted. Its a shit situation and I wish karma would deliver on one side but then the flip side is I wouldn't want it to further affect both my children so I can't even wish him ill because of that. But it's so hard to digest that after all the ill treatment and deceit, I am left a shell of myself licking wounds whilst he is standing tall and intact. It feels so unjust and unfair.

You are married to what Lundy Bancroft describes as the water torturer.

Read up on this and prepare your exit ASAP.

I don't think people change.

It's the people they meet along the way that will be either more compliant than you and put up with their shit longer or will only be together in the short term because they understand quicker that his behaviour isn't normal.

You did nothing wrong but try and save the relationship in the best way you thought. He responded to that by ignoring your needs and solely focusing on himself and his wants and blamed you for that.

Your best off out of it and don't need to change a thing about yourself.

I think some people can have an affair to be happier in that new relationship once leaving the original partner.

But let's be clear here, we aren't talking about just any sort of person here. You are dealing with a narcissist, abusive, controlling, manipulative bastard. He will put on his facade with the new ones, shower her with charm and gifts and then slowly show his true colours.

I don't believe he will change unless he puts an incredible amount of personal effort in with extensive counselling and even then it's an ongoing battle that he must be committed too. I doesn't even sound like he's taken any personal responsibility in any of this.

My exH said the same thing. I wasn’t affectionate enough etc, then pushed me away when I tried to take his ‘feedback’ on board. It’s just what they say as a means to justify their actions. One has a choice to cheat or not and either party can end the marriage before bumping genitals with someone else. You didn’t drive him to cheat, that just makes the manipulative shit head feel better for what he’s done.

Thank you, I needed to hear that-it wasn't me but him and someone like that is who he is and not as a result of me. Some people will be more compliant as new year states but he has put zero effort In so won't have changed avocado. I am going to read bancrofts book.

@Ididit2019 I am so much happier now. I have a new partner and we are far better suited. ExH is single, as far as I know. We are amicable. I have no idea if he's happier, he didn't want the split and would have just plodded on in our dead marriage forever more without addressing a single issue whilst I got unhappier and unhappier.

He sounds horrid, get rid of his cheating arse and look forward to a better life ahead.

Can people actually be happy with this sort of person? Are there people of a different personality who would live a happy life with someone like this or is it just that they put up with it?

It doesn’t matter what other people will or won’t put up with in their own relationships. This is a non question.

What matters is what you feel you are willing to be or do within your own relationship. That is the question to ask yourself.

I don't see how anyone could be happy having their every move dictated and their self esteem ground to dust. Not to mention he stuck his cock in someone else.....come on now.

You have to stop listening to the shit that spills from this cunts mouth OP and have faith in your own inner voice.

Closetbeanmuncher: Thanks I have so many other names for him I could add to that list!
TwentyEight12: I know it SHOULDN'T matter and that I've left because I'm unwilling to put up but I can't help but feel so upset that he has walked away unscathed and onto pastures new yet the impact on me feels irreparable.

TwentyEight12:every single word you say I know is true and right, just wish my brain would make my bloody heart be on the same page!

@Ididit2019
He isn't unscathed yet. It's simply a matter of time until the bastard's true colours come out, and they will because leopards don't change their spots.
You will be ok - give yourself time and things will be a lot clearer.

There are a lot of self-righteous people around saying nothing justifies an affair. But TBH, repeated infidelity or coercive abusive behaviour on the partner's part makes affairs, if not exactly justified, utterly understandable.

OTOH, if the context of this is 'you drove me to it because my dinner wasn't on the table at 6pm' or 'you didn't look at me in the right tone of voice' then no, that does not drive people to affairs. Unless they're spoilt brats.

Thank you, those words actually bring me alot of comfort right now.

MaeveDidIt I know I shouldn't be focused on him getting feeling the pain that I've felt as that's not healing for me but I really need to believe there will be some justice one day.

My ex was a drug user (cannabis) and I didn't allow it at home. He was out every night. At weekends he would be in bed until at least midday, get ready, eat, then go out. He had a short fuse and impatient, shouted a lot, and was verbally aggressive towards me. He refused to leave. Ended up on much heavier drugs, eventually I got rid.

So I'd say this behaviour 'drove' me to find what I was severely lacking in my relationship.

Do I agree/condone affairs? Absolutely not. My last relationship was not good either, but for totally different reasons, we were not compatible. Did I cheat? No, did I want to cheat? No, because he was a decent bloke but we just clashed.

OP your OH sounds vile, don't allow this behaviour, it will destroy your self esteem/confidence.

Haven't RTFT but you are well rid!! I hope you eventually find someone worthy of you ... if that is what you want.