Can you drive someone to an affair?

[Ididit2019]

Just this above question really

You can drive people away from the relationship with that type of behaviour however there really are no excuses for sleazy, scummy affairs

Wow OP.
This guy is seriously abusive.
Please leave as soon as you can.
Contact Womens Aid and talk to them.
If it's hard to leave, they can help you with an exit plan.
Could you go to family or friends.
Read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
You will find your nasty STBEx in there.
He's vile!!!!
It really is that simple.
Stop analysing just make your exit plan and get away.

I do believe that people can be driven to affairs in extreme circumstances. But much more common than that, is the propensity for the person having the affair to unfairly blame their partner for it so they can avoid feeling the proper amount of guilt for their behaviour.

And if someone isn't even apologetic after (not once said sorry through both words or actions), won't give any answers and still tells small lies about silly things and big things? Is this behaviour a reaction to a person that their respect and love for has dissipated or these characteristics inherent?

You can make them very miserable, but it's still their choice whether to have an affair or not, given that there are other options available, such as divorcing/separating first.

paap1975 I think this is what I struggle with. He says I didn't do x y and z, but what if those x y and z things were so unreasonable like not being able to see my friends and family unless he said it was OK or letting his sisters ignore me and then stopping talking to me because I would be making his life harder as I would then sit quietly and not instigate conversation after a few attempts.

So his argument is I made him miserable by not supporting him because I would refute the way I was treated.

No, you can drive someone to leave you, but the choice to have an affair while keeping you in the dark is self-indulgent, unforgivable and totally on him.

If he was unhappy he should have left not lied.

What he actually means is I liked having the wife at home doing all the work to come back to when I wanted home comforts but I felt entitled to have a bit on the side to massage my ego (and other things).

He's not worthy of you OP. Time to leave him in your dust as you walk away and chalk him up to a shitty learning experience.

NameChangeNugget

”Scummy affairs” is right.

It’s like “someone has annoyed me so I’m going to go and touch someone else’s genitals...”.

Repulsive

From your 'minor' list OP, he sounds absolutely awful. Seriously, you don't have to be with someone like that. You get ONE life, and you don't derserve to be treated like a piece of shit on a shoe. There are good kind men out there, or there is being single which is 100% better than what you have now. It is NOT normal.

Oh love, he's an abusive arse.

His behaviour is also clearly telling you he is not going to change.

Why should he? You are still there putting up with his shite.

He is a disgusting, abusive, unfaithful pig. Tbh your list of 'minor' things he's done to you are more shocking than his infidelity. His abusive behaviour is his fault. His infidelity is his fault. Ltb.

I think finding out about the infidelity is concrete proof but the abusive behaviour is harder to prove or justify as there's always that element of was it me hence my question earlier about which are abusive behaviours. I've always been black and white about cheating but his reaction attributing blame to me is now making me second guess that.

Every single thing on that "minor" list left me really shocked. There are clearly much, much worse things that you don't want to share, he is a horrible, abusive man who does not deserve you. He has been messing with your head for a long time but hopefully you are starting to get free of that and question his behaviour.

Every time I would try to talk or support him he would throw it back in my face with its just an act, don't act like you care, putting the phone down saying he had to be elsewhere etc. Its as though he really wanted me to follow him around and beg to support him until he would then soften and let me in (which to be honest I did for the first few years) until I genuinely did stop caring so much. Is this just a bad personality trait or typical of a lot of men or abusive?

maslinpan thank you-you are right I'm second guessing my instinct due to the things he's said and done.

He does want you to beg him, so he can feel the big man.

Don’t even opposite of what you normally do (google “relationship 180” usually used for affairs but as it sounds like he’s having an affair with his mommy, will still work) and see him come running.

It’s no way to live though.

Don’t even opposite = do the exact opposite

clarinstunic affair with his mommy?
I did start doing the opposite after which he began cheating.

He's abusive darling. He might blame you for driving him to it with your reactions to things but his stonewalling and abusive has played a (large) part in that, so where does it end?

The put downs and the silent treatment and the gas lighting have an enormous effect, I know. And now he's gone elsewhere and still gaslighting you that it is your fault. I know it's sometimes easier to believe them partly because they've made you doubt yourself and because the other option (leaving and acknowledging they are abusive) seems harder.

But do leave. You will be so much happier.

It’s still wrong to cheat but it’s naive to believe happy men cheat. They don’t.

What bollocks.

Fresh god yes. Incredible how some people have the capacity and mental space for huge deceit, disrespect and betrayal of someone they apparently love. Yet lack the "strength " to do something more productive.

Cleo Even if you are desperately unhappy in a relationship you either do something about it or leave, no one else makes you behave so despicably, you choose to do that.

Otherwise we could extend the "you made me do it"/victim blaming to other questionable behaviour...

OP I'm sorry you're going through this

I think you can be driven to an affair.

When everything about your life seems to be OK, everything in the marriage and family life is ticking along and just one thing lacking - sex and intimacy, then it feels incredibly self indulgent to break up a family because you aren't happy.

So you struggle with the need for it, and maybe decide one day to find someone to fill that one gap, so that you can keep the rest of your life as it is, so you don't have to put your children through a divorce and changing their lives.

You tell yourself that it's the easiest way for everyone, because not having the intimacy is breaking you apart.

And so you do, with someone else in the same circumstances, finding something in each other that you don't find in your main relationships but which makes them bearable.

And you know it's no way to live, and it becomes clear its not enough, being happy for a few hours a week.

Hmm I think there are situations this can happen. For example if your in a sexless marriage. But don’t want to divorce bc in other ways your partner is great. I can see how someone would be tempted.

I think an environment can be created within a relationship for an affair to be a likely outcome, but I don’t think you can drive a person to it.

Sometimes affairs happen because the cheater is broken. Sometimes affairs happen because the relationship is broken. Sometimes it’s a bit of both.