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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can you drive someone to an affair?

139 replies

Ididit2019 · 24/09/2019 23:24

Just this above question really

OP posts:
Cleopatrai · 25/09/2019 07:33

Yes. I think the situation at home can make it easier for someone to cheat or more susceptible to looking elsewhere. If you don’t love someone, someone else will. A bit controversial but like to think I’m a realist. If a idk a car or a job isn’t working for you, it’s months of considering what car or job to replace it before leaving. It’s still wrong to cheat but it’s naive to believe happy men cheat. They don’t.

whatateam · 25/09/2019 07:36

but it’s naive to believe happy men cheat. They don’t.

😶

I’m not even going to attempt to unpick this.

Vinosaurus · 25/09/2019 07:37

Aaaaaand here come the apologists, it was only a matter of time.

This place is going to the dogs.

Ozziewozzie · 25/09/2019 07:39

Only a Narc or gaslighter will tell you this. But then in their view, everything is the other persons fault anyway. Of course Narcs and Gaslighters are perfect.....I really don’t know how they manage to put up with the rest of us Confused

newreality1 · 25/09/2019 07:41

@whatateam Exactly what I was thinking.

Ididit2019 · 25/09/2019 07:44

07:33Cleopatrai "Its still wrong to cheat but it’s naive to believe happy men cheat. They don’t.
But are some people incapable of being happy when they have abusive or narcisdtic traits? And so the other person gets blamed. Also shouldn't the efforts be either placed in resolving issues or leaving and not deceiving?

OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 25/09/2019 07:45

You can drive a person to leave a relationship, but cheating is a dishonest act that only they decide to do.

But you are a victim of abuse here, and it makes me very sad to hear what you are putting up with. You do not deserve this.

Ididit2019 · 25/09/2019 07:45

Thank you Ozziewozzie, that's what I felt. Gaslighting was a term I have learnt the definition of as a result of so many encounters with him.

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 25/09/2019 07:47

Your husband is abusive and continues to abuse you by blaming you for his cheating. Kick him out and don't look back. You deserve better than him.

Ididit2019 · 25/09/2019 07:48

Just once he apologised and admitted he treated me badly but then attributed it to stress and that I didn't support him. When I would try however, he would always say don't pretend you care or walk off to a different room or go out.

OP posts:
valleysareus · 25/09/2019 07:49

The only person responsible for the affair is the person having one who made the vows or commitment to another person. Regardless of the affair I hope you can see how abusive your relationship was OP.

ClanGreyRock · 25/09/2019 07:55

Everyone who cheats chooses to do so.

I bet you have felt pretty unhappy with him dragging you down all the time but yet somehow you managed not to cheat.

Please get away. He sounds very damaging and a bad role model for any DC..

youkiddingme · 25/09/2019 07:58

I knew a perfectly happy man who cheated. In every relationship he ever had. Because he could. Till he got caught out and the relationship ended. Then onto the next and repeat. Because he never saw fidelity or his partner's happiness as important. But he was perfectly happy.
Anyone trying to deflect his behaviour onto you is out of order OP. If he was unhappy he could have asked to to go to counselling with him. But instead he went and shagged someone else then blamed you. He sounds like a brat tbh.

whatateam · 25/09/2019 08:02

You can drive a person to leave a relationship, but cheating is a dishonest act that only they decide to do.

Summed up perfectly

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 08:02

Please tell me this is your ex
He's a complete dick

AMAM8916 · 25/09/2019 08:06

No I don't think they can be but I'll point out that if it was you that the affair, I wouldn't blame you! He sounds bloody awful!

ivykaty44 · 25/09/2019 08:09

Classic victim blaming
Let’s blame the innocent party in this
Instead of holding his hands up and say enough
He went looking elsewhere
Now he doesn’t want to own his actions
So he’s looking for someone to take the blame
He’s a coward

loveyoutothemoon · 25/09/2019 08:09

He sounds like a knob all round, not helping after your section etc, cheating on you, why are you still with him?

Comps83 · 25/09/2019 08:09

Sort of , yes , BUT it still doesn’t make it right.
Take my parents for example , some people think the sun shines out of my mothers arse, these are the people who she works with etc who don’t know her well. The truth is she has been abusing alcohol since 1995 which makes her obnoxious and violent. To the point I had to ring the police when she was attacking my dad a few times when I was a teenager
Fast forward to now, at least 2 affairs later and a divorce. I can’t blame him for leaving her but I am so pissed off he didn’t do it sooner and not wait to find someone else first. There’s no excuse really , if there are problems in a marriage then leave , involving someone else isn’t the answer and blaming the partner isn’t answer. They should work things out or leave on their own steam .

avocadoincident · 25/09/2019 08:10

www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

You mention in the OP that he he gives you the silent treatment. There's an interesting link above about men who do this.

And in answer to your original question, no you didn't drive him to this. He sounds like an utter pig who has no respect for you. I hope you have real life support and you move on to your new life full of love and freedom!

verticality · 25/09/2019 08:14

Not in the way your husband is suggesting, no.

An affair is a choice. People don't just fall over and find their dick in a woman by accident. Anyone who has done it while in a monogamous relationship has made a conscious decision to pursue their sexual gratification/happiness at the expense of their promise of monogamy to someone else. It is always a cowardly way out. The right thing to do is to deal with the relationship problems head on, and to end things BEFORE moving on.

However, I think there is a bit of a grey area in the dying throes of a relationship, where someone who is very unhappy on multiple levels finds it much, much easier to make that choice.

whatateam · 25/09/2019 08:18

Interesting link avocado but I don’t agree with ”The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance.”

Some people give the silent treatment just because they are shits. They can come in from not seeing you all day and not speak to you just to punish you.

Cittadina · 25/09/2019 08:25

But what if you try and try to mend your marriage, and your please for couple counselling get ignored, and you are married to a distant, cold person? I was always against affairs and for sorting it out - my friend met someone else and I have to admit I saw her point. She did break up with her husband almost immediately and she now lives with the other person. She needed a crowbar from a loveless marriage that bordered on the emotionally abusive. I can see that although that's not how I would do it. Life is complicated. This is of course not about you, OP, just saying that sometimes the MN opinion on affairs can be a bit black and white.

Cittadina · 25/09/2019 08:32

Also he implication that it's only men that have affairs? Women have too, it's just that it's such a taboo (like lesbians in Victorian times) that nobody speaks about it. From my limited experience in my circle of friends/acquaintances/people at work I have knowledge of 4 women having affairs vs. zero men. Again, MN is a particular lens through which one can observe the world, and not a particularly clear lens either.

clarinstunic · 25/09/2019 08:39

My MIL gave the silent treatment. Just one of her abusive weapons. DH picked it up but I didn’t know until years after we were married. When he started doing it I was appalled. He wouldn’t talk things out, would just sit there saying nothing or walk out of the room.

I used to ask him how long he would not speak to me for because I had decisions to make regarding the car, house and needed his input. He’d say nothing. So I just went about my business without him... “I am booking my time off work for the summer. If you want to discuss dates you’ll have to speak to me, if not I’ll just do what I think”.

What stopped him doing it though was someone would ring to speak to him (landline, pre mobiles) and I’d answer the phone and say “it’s x for you” and hold out the phone and he’d not say anything 🙄. So I’d tell the caller “He’s sulking so not speaking or listening to me, sorry. Maybe you could try another time or write him a letter?” Or if someone knocked on the door to see him I’d tell them he hasn’t spoke to me for a day so there was no point in me trying to tell him there was a visitor... He’d find out later because the visitor would tell him!

When he realised that he looked a fool he stopped doing it. It’s why I treated him like a teenager and didn’t just walk out, because I knew it was learned behaviour from his mother, not really a part of his personality. Stupid but not evil.

Nobody except me ever sidnit to his mother. I once turned around and walked straight back out of her house after three hours travelling to visit because she opened the door with pursed lips and said nothing and FIL explained she was annoyed because we were late (late train) and dinner had spoiled.

Such a baby!

DH’s family were opened mouthed at my balls to do it, but hell, I was there for some event for them, didn’t want to be there, so perfect excuse to walk out.

She’s cut off now.