@Ididit2019 Sorry this is going to be long! My ex isolated me from friends and family, told me what I should or shouldn't be wearing, eating, watching or listening to (as in tv/music), insisted on driving me everywhere and picking me up, controlled all the finances despite us both working full time and me earning more than he did, he spent money on big items for himself but I had to ask him before spending say a fiver on a CD, he'd happily gossip with his friends and family but I was always the last one to know anything. He'd complain if I didn't dress up in "sexy" outfits when we had sex. I was responsible for all of the housework but once every 3-4 months he'd do a deep clean of just one room and tell me off for not cleaning to that standard throughout the house every week. None of this was an overt "you are not allowed to do xyz" but he made my life hell if I refused to comply, or he scared me into submission (e.g. if I don't control our finances then our mortgage payment might bounce if we lose track of what's being spent and we'll lose the house).
Personality wise my ex is the type of person where everyone who knows him superficially thinks he's a charming, well mannered and generous man. He'd surprise me with things like a giant teddy bear sitting in the passenger seat of the car when he picked me up from work. Or ringing the doorbell and I'd open it to find a present on the doorstep. I now realise that he was being generous to me with my own money but at the time I was brainwashed into thinking well it's family money therefore he's choosing to spend it on me, isn't he lovely, rather than me recognising I should have had the autonomy to control my finances like the adult I was (I've never been in debt or spent recklessly). Also any big gestures were always followed up the next day by him asking "what did your friends at work say when you told them about it?" But at the time it was these thrilling romantic things that made me think that deep down he cared for me. We had a lovely house, enjoyable jobs, he didn't drink or do drugs or raise his fist to me (although he shoved me up against a wall once but I airbrushed that out as me provoking him - yes I know now he was 100% in the wrong with that).
My lightbulb moment came when my GP referred me for counselling because I was suffering from depression. At first exH forbade me to go dismissing it as "left wing nonsense" but eventually I went anyway because I was feeling so shit. Halfway through a session the counsellor asked me something about my husband - I can't quite remember what - and I stated he'd do anything for me. She looked me in the eye and said "but he refused to drive you here." For some reason that one sentence made me realise that everything about my life was on ExH's terms, even the good stuff. I went from feeling looked after and protected to realising that it was all about control and that everything stemmed from his lack of respecting me as his equal. No one thing had been bad enough in my eyes to leave but it had been death by 1000 cuts - I left him not long after and unsurprisingly my depression disappeared. I'm now remarried to a man who doesn't do the big gestures but every day I feel respected, supported, loved and I don't have to tread on eggshells with him, ever. It's a revelation tbh.