Relationship breakdown whilst living in Australia

[snowystar]

We've been living in Australia for nearly 15years. Both DC were born here ( aged 9&12). TBH I have never fully settled but never really had much choice in returning to the UK. I now find myself in the awful position of finding out my husband has been having an affair.

And now i feel I'm trapped. All I want is to return to the UK but my husband won't. So this means I have 2 choices :

1.Bring my kids back to the UK, which means they have no regular contact with their father ( he has said as much as it would kill him he would let me because of what he has done ) He will never return to the UK

1. Stay and be trapped in Australia so my kids can maintain contact with their father even though I hate living here.

Feel absolutely helpless. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

God I'm so sorry OP, I really don't know what to say.

My mother and I were taken to a tropical place much like that but much more isolated and were terribly homesick all the time, it wasn't an english speaking country either which made it worse. We were there 6 years.

In the end we were so unhappy my stepfather agreed we would all come back to the UK. It was a massive relief to be back home.

As I see it you were only living there for him.

You can do what you like, his behaviour has been appalling. There is no reason why you should stay in a country you don't like. Why is it you that has to make the choice when he has betrayed you all?

It is him that must make the hard choice as this is his fault.

If you go home with the girls then it's his choice to stay in Australia or follow you to the UK so that he can see his daughters grow up!

Let him make that choice. If he is a good father he'll come back to the UK, if he's a self serving prick he'll stay in Australia.

Do what you feel is right for you.

Thank you for your reply. He won't return as he can't get work in the Uk. If it was up to me I'd be on a plane today but the guilt I feel about taking the kids from their Dad is killing me ! But then the thought of staying here single, with no family or close friends is just soul destroying

It should be him feeling bloody guilty for what he’s done to you and your children.

But your children are now Australian, they don’t know anywhere else, taking them from their home and their dad might not work well once home here. Perhaps as a single parent you can make new friends etc but you can try and if it doesn’t work out arrange to come home. So horrible to go through all that so far away from home and family if you have some here.
I hope things improve for you but take care of yourself

I think that you have got to bite the bullet and stay until the youngest is 18. I don’t see what else you can do. He is saying he would let you go now but I bet further down the line he goes back on this. As shitty as it is for you, it’s not your children’s fault you decided to move there before they were born and pulling them away from their life and father seems very unfair. Is there any way you can make changes to your life there to make it more bearable?

I think you need to stay. Don’t take the children away from their father. I know it will be shit to start with but life moves on and one day it won’t feel so bad. Make some friends there. Form a “family” around you. The kids are Australian. It is their home

I think I know I have to stay it's just so hard to accept. I work full time and then normally are racing around the kids activities after work. I've really struggled over here to find close connections with friends. The kids just love their lives here so I know the decision is made for me. I just feel so alone and isolated

I would come home. The children would benefit hugely from having close family around them and they would soon adapt as they are so young.
If you let them grow up there they will probably stay and it's you that will end up being alone forever back in the UK or staying in a country where you are not happy.
There is always work if you try hard, yes it might be a lower salary or not what he wants but if he wants to see his kids he will try.
You are not taking them away from their father, he has already done that by having an affair and breaking up the family.
I'd do what feels right for you and think about long term.

Would your husband even allow the kids to move away? Relocating to the UK would need his permission.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Whilst you would have family in the UK ( I assume) the friends situation would be no different. It may not be that much greener on the other side of the world.

Do you have a job?

I fully sympathise. Married. English. Lived in Oz for many years. Desperate to go home to family but kids raised here and now have tiny GC. They are australians. Can never go back.
Not had your dreadful experience for which I'm very sad for you. But my own marriage has been through v rocky patches for other reasons and the tenuousness of my situation is always in the back of my mind.
I am here only for my AC and GC.

Legally you would need his permission to move to the UK, if he chose to fight you then he would win.

That is the risk you took when you moved and had kids abroad I am afraid.

If you came back to the UK, would he have the funds to visit the kids a couple of times a year or fly them out to him?

That would sway my decision tbh.

You can't sacrifice your own life to keep your kids happy

Yep I work full time and earn a good salary. Unfortunately not a role I could transfer to the UK so would be starting from scratch. He's saying he would let me take them as he's going to be setting up home with the OW and understands that I may not want to be here !! Honestly I'm just beyond words. I've been completed blindsided. It's been going on for 3 years.

Talk to your kids and see how they feel about coming back.
I assume they know what their father did behind your back?.
If not I would tell them tbh.
Your the innocent one in all of this.

I know there is legal implication getting his consent to bring the kids back but I actually think he would let me. It's more of a decision about what it right for them. I can't believe this has happened. I thought we were happy. We've been on holiday recently and just had the best time, as a family as a couple. I must just be completely stupid to of not known. His job involves him working away and basically she travels with him when he works away. That's how they've maintained it

Kids don't know yet, they think he's working away

Surely it's more than just taking the dc away from their father. They are Australian - it's all they know. You would be taking them away from everything and everyone they know.

Yes exactly. That's why it's so hard. I will be destroying their whole lives and what they know. Thank you for confirming that for me

The kids wouldn't be coming back though, they would be moving to a new country without their father. So sad for you OP, what a mess.

We did the journey the other way (for work but we're now staying) with kids roughly the same age as yours - they'd go back in a heartbeat. I'm (sadly) just thinking of how yours might react at the prospect of effectively a one way ticket to the UK.

If the kids want to stay and are settled I would be inclined to stay. At least another 10 years. Also I know people in your situation whose partners seemed reasonable but when push came to shove decided to block the move so I would get something in writing.

The kids' dad owes you big time. I think you should come back to the UK and get him to agree in writing that he will come to the UK e.g. twice a year and take the kids for that time, so they will still have some significant contact. Yes it might be far from ideal for him but he has split your family apart and should bear the lion's share of responsibility for trying to make that as ok as possible ongoing. You are miserable and have done nothing wrong - that should be put right.

We also lived in Australia and brought our kids back of similar ages and I cannot tell you how wonderful we all feel being back here - our quality of life is 1000 times better (we moved from an Australian city to UK countryside) and my kids talk about Australia sometimes but have made friends and are already settled. If you come back now they'll be able to do pretty much the whole of secondary school in one place.

Once you are properly seperated and the kids know, talk to them about it.
I waited till child 2 finished high school and the one older finished uni, they both decided to move to UK with us, Dd was still in school and not yet in high school so had time to make friends in UK.
I still feel bad for moving them to UK, all born abroad.
There were good points and bad about both places.
Being in Aus 15 years will have coloured your view of UK, it's definitly not the country I left to move abroad from and I and Dh are suffering from reverse culture shock. I feel a bit countryless. Not belonging anywhere.
Theres a reason we are all called Ping pong Poms.
Maybe your life in Aus will actually improve now your H is out of the house. I'd leave it at least a year, after such a huge life changing thing happening to you.

The kids' dad owes you big time
That doesn’t mean to take your kids away from their father and their home. That doesn’t punish him. It punishes them

OP you sound really sensible. Please give it time. I had a friend in the almost exact same position. A year in was hard work. A few years down the line when the dust has settled and she is happy, has established close friendships and is in a another relationship and the kids are thriving

Fucking hell! He has said to you that he’d let you take the kids to resettle the other side of the world? Well doesn’t that speak volumes about him?!!! As a parent I would want to be wherever my kids are and would fight tooth and nail to prevent a huge distance.

Personally I would stay if the kids are happy. It’s pretty grim in the UK currently. If you have a good job and life then I would stay. I know you’re not happy, but could you split the childcare 50/50 so you could have a social life again? I honestly think all it would take is a few close friends and you’d feel a million times happier.