Relationship breakdown whilst living in Australia

[snowystar]

We've been living in Australia for nearly 15years. Both DC were born here ( aged 9&12). TBH I have never fully settled but never really had much choice in returning to the UK. I now find myself in the awful position of finding out my husband has been having an affair.

And now i feel I'm trapped. All I want is to return to the UK but my husband won't. So this means I have 2 choices :

1.Bring my kids back to the UK, which means they have no regular contact with their father ( he has said as much as it would kill him he would let me because of what he has done ) He will never return to the UK

1. Stay and be trapped in Australia so my kids can maintain contact with their father even though I hate living here.

Feel absolutely helpless. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

I hate to say this, but I’d stay.

You will carve out a life for yourself but you can’t see that now because you’re in the eye of the storm

I would move back. Your husband has ruined your lifestyle not you.

If they want to come back to australia after living in the UK then they have that choice! Won’t they have dual passports? They can visit their dad and if they really wanted to move back in the future.

You say you wouldn’t have them at the weekends

Yes you would. Likely every other.

And you will learn to enjoy your weekends “off”

You can't sacrifice your own life to keep your kids happy flowers

I disagree. I would. And indeed do to a great extent. Mine are young, 7 and 9.

You may have no choice here as your 12 year old can probably decide for herself where she wants to be.

I think you have no choice but to stay there for the children's sake. Returning to the U.K. is being seen through rose tints I'm afraid. Life here is also about jobs, housing, schooling and similar stresses you would have to deal with as well as being a single parent of 2 children trying to fit into an unfamiliar system in the worst possible way.

Try to get some family support, even if it's just Skype, visit the U.K. and reassess yours and the children's possibilities here. I suspect they are better in Australia and will be happier there. Talk to a counsellor and try to get over your husbands deceit. Meet others in the same boat. Socialise. Have time to yourself when your H looks after the kids.

If you truly long for the cold and rain and greenery of the U.K. you could maybe retire here?

As you can see, there is absolutely no right answer to this and the reality is that only you will be able to work out what will work for you and your DC needs.

I have seen just as many expats not settle back into their home country as I have seen it work for.

Either way, it is never, ever, clear cut despite what we all wish to believe.

However, perhaps the very best thing to do is to work out what makes you hate about your life now. If it has been because you felt that you have lost 'yourself,' that might mean something very different to actually hating living where you are currently. Hopefully, you will also reach out to get some help to do this.

Actually @snog, that is a valid point. I do think in Australia that if the dependant is 12 they have a say in their arrangements to some extent. It could depend on the state that they live.

They are Australian - it's all they know. You would be taking them away from everything and everyone they know.

I don't see how it's any different from a family deciding to emigrate to Australia or wherever and plenty of families do that. Would you say: They're British, it's all they know and you would be taking them away.......?

OP, you obviously hate it there and your happiness is just as important. Your children may have a bit of a culture shock but I'm sure they will soon settle in. If they do both eventually go back to Australia when 18, I'm not sure how that's any different from many young people of that age spreading their wings and jetting off around the world.

Come home OP.

Will your kids even want to come with you if you go to the UK? Even if they go with you initially as they are Australian there’s every chance they will want to return when they are older and then you’ll be without any family and in a low paying job that may prevent you from flying back to Australia regularly. If I were you I would stay in Australia, seek legal advice, get as much of the house / savings as you can, and make an effort to make your life work in Australia

Whereabouts are you thinking about in the UK? Have a very good look at the area as we have a huge problem at the moment with county lines and knife crime. I would want to be absolutely sure I was bringing them back to an area that wasn’t going to put them at risk compared to their life in Sydney.

I'd come home, OP. If you do this, you'll be giving your children more choices in life. If they stay, they will never be anything other than Australians. If you come back now, they will have a few years of experiencing British life, and will become partly British. When they are adults, they can choose where they want to live, but they will be choosing with far more knowledge and experience of the world. Children are very adaptable. They might be unhappy for a while, but they will get over it and be fine.

this happened to 2 friends of mine and both came back

I don't think you should stay. Come back to the UK. As others say, the longer you leave it, the worse it actually is for you as the kids will be more settled. The sooner you leave, the better.

Also, are you sure you can stay in Aus if you and your exh are divorced? Are there any visa issues?

Consider also that it may be to your advantage (and therefore provide a better life for your children) if you divorce in the UK.

Are there assets to be divided?

*divorce in England

If you do stay in Australia I would try to see it as a fresh start and it could be a much happier life than previously.

You will have more time to invest in friendships if your dc are spending regular time with their dad. Maybe you can move into a home of your choice in an area you like. Your DH May have been dragging you down in a way that isn't obvious until you are out of the situation.

Good luck OP

I'm sorry OP. I wouldn't make a snap decision. But I would get his permission in writing to relocate the kids to the UK, in case you decide to later and he's changed his mind. I'd also bring them back here for as long a holiday as you can, to weigh up how you all feel here and how much family support you would have

Which part of the uk would you come back to? How about a trial month? Come back for a month and see how you all feel. At the very least you deserve a break from all of that! How horrific for you. He’s now setting up home with the OW?!? Christ. I’d be tempted to get away while you can while he’s feeling guilty. Get back here and get the documents signed ASAP. Have you spoken to your kids? Presumably they aren’t going to want to go visit dad anyway if he’s shacked up with another woman?

Don’t make any hasty decisions. Parents living in different homes will be traumatic enough, but to lose friends, change school and move country at the same time could be really problematic.

My family moved to the UK when I was 8, I’m 31 now and I still don’t feel I belong here. I really struggled to settle into a new school etc and I really missed my old friends for a long time.

Whatever happens your children need to be decision makers as well.

I would get the consent letter from him now, allowing you to return to the UK, while he's feeling guilty.... Then spend some time deciding what you and the kids want.

Maybe you could split from him and be happier with someone else. Maybe the reason you're not happy in Australia is your husband

Oh op, I really feel for you. We lived in oz for 5 years and I met a few people in a similar predicament to you, well minus the affair actually. They wanted to move back to the uk and their dh wanted to stay, they had dcs, so had to stay, but they were unhappy. This is the reason I say to my dd not to settle down with someone who lives in a different country to her. (Slightly different in your case though as you both moved out there together).
I'd say move back and see how it goes, especially as H has given permission, he could change his mind at a later date, so get in writing ASAP. Presumably our dcs have citizenship? Do you? You could always move back to oz if they hate it (it would be costly though) such a tough decision. Good luck with it

I live in Germany and was in the same position, though the kids were 14 and 16. Germany is obviously not such a huge distance, but I don't visit the UK often, either.

The kids being older in my case was one reason to stay, but by no means the main reason. The main reason for me was that when I was 4, my mother moved with me to the other side of the UK from my father. I accepted this decision as a child, but as I grew older I realised she could have made a different choice - she regrets it herself - and I also realise better what I missed out on, only seeing my father at Christmas or in the holidays. When I decided to have children in Germany, it was knowing that I wouldn't move back to the UK alone.

A few things that might cheer you up if you do decide to stay...
Since we split up, I've made more friends and feel more connected than I did when we were together. Partly as I've made more effort to do things for myself, and partly as it seems I'm a different person without my ex attached to me. I've met different kinds of people, more my kind. I've also got a new partner who has more connections himself and somehow makes me feel much more part of the community than my ex did.
In my case I have more time for myself as the kids have grown up. In your case, if you share childcare that would actually give you more time for yourself, to do your own thing, take up hobbies, meet people, while your ex has the children.

If you're thinking of moving back, I'd suggest planning it for, say, another 3 years' time or something. That would give you something to look forward to, but also enough time to see how it goes on your own and perhaps change your plans.

"I just feel like I've just been plodding along behind him and the kids lives, maybe that's been part of what's caused this and for him to stray."
No. Him straying is not your fault. He is solely responsible for screwing around with another woman and all the lies and deceit that entails for the last 3 years.

I’m in a slightly reverse situation. My STBXH and I are both Australian, family all over there, we live in the UK and have two young primary school aged children, both born here. He had an affair, same boring basic cliche. I gave up my career to look after the children so in a very weak position. I’ve chosen to return to Australia to be closer to my family. I would love to be able to stay as I love living here but in the long run, I think the children will be happier living a more outdoorsy lifestyle and surrounded by lots of extended family back in Oz. I worry about Brexit and crime (we live in inner city london) I’ve managed to agree a decent enough financial settlement that I will be comfortable. The children’s father will see them twice a year. I sat them both down and gave them a choice of staying or going, explaining they wouldn’t see their father very often. Both chose going without hesitation.

I would choose what works best for the three of you, whether that is Australia or the UK. He chose not to make you or your children a priority, he can just lump it. In some ways being away from him protects them from constantly being disappointed by his shitty behaviour and crap parenting.
Mine is perfecting the Disney Dad crap - no discipline, late nights, crap food, constant treats.