Relationship breakdown whilst living in Australia

[snowystar]

We've been living in Australia for nearly 15years. Both DC were born here ( aged 9&12). TBH I have never fully settled but never really had much choice in returning to the UK. I now find myself in the awful position of finding out my husband has been having an affair.

And now i feel I'm trapped. All I want is to return to the UK but my husband won't. So this means I have 2 choices :

1.Bring my kids back to the UK, which means they have no regular contact with their father ( he has said as much as it would kill him he would let me because of what he has done ) He will never return to the UK

1. Stay and be trapped in Australia so my kids can maintain contact with their father even though I hate living here.

Feel absolutely helpless. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

You have consent, your children are still young. Go back home.

They will adapt and settle.

12 is a bad age for this to happen. His fault. Puberty about to kick in, but not too bad for changing school, worse in a couple of years. 9 year old may fare better. Have they been home with you, do they know ppl, what it's like? Can you/he afford for them to see him in holidays?
If you do it go quickly before contact is set up, or he changes his mind, then it won't be a double wrench. Otherwise at least 7 years before you can?

I'd go, to be honest - because I think him saying he'd give you permission is a very ominous sign of what's to come.

I would lay a bet on it that in a year's time, his OW will be pregnant, your kids will be feeling possibly more alienated from a dad who's pulled completely away from them by choice than they would if they were living in the UK, and you'll be wishing you'd left. However, by the time you get to that point he'll be feeling less guilty and will have come to realise that he can pretty much ignore the kids and you'll still facilitate their relationship, and he'll refuse permission to leave.

Go now. Tell the kids what has happened, and get his permission to go in writing, and make it a six-month trial.

Be honest with the kids, do not sugar coat, because I would, as I have said, lay bets on the fact that a dad who would be ok with you taking them to the other side of the world is pretty much planning to be a very different kind of dad from now on. Prepare them.

And also, bottom line - a man who can have a three-year affair and deceive his family for that long is capable of anything and loyal to nothing.

Oh and 9 and 12 is still VERY young, it really is!!

Go, now.

I can sympathize. We brought our DD (now 12) over to live about 3 years ago. I always felt a little ‘homesick’. She has always found friendships hard work and since coming to the UK has steadfastly told us she will move back to Australia the first chance she gets. She hates it in the UK. Sometimes I think it was a mistake to move back. I have also found that ‘fitting back in’ doesn’t work as I thought it would for myself either.

However, is it Australia you don’t like or the area you live? Of course, like everywhere, it is not a homogeneous culture at all. Can trial compromises be struck if you move to an area that makes you feel more comfortable?

Firstly OP, I am so so sorry this has happened to you

Given everything I think I would have to stay in Australia for the DC’s sake.

Like someone up thread already said, at least until your youngest is 18, then you can decide whether to return to the UK or not.

My advice would be to move from where you are now, to somewhere still close enough for your work and DC school. It will psychologically be a new start.

Then your H could have them and share parenting etc, freeing you up to make some new friends etc.

It sounds like you have been doing everything whilst he has been swanning around with OW behind your back.

He can have his share of childcare and you can have more time to try and carve a social life for yourself.

Then revisit going back to the UK permanently when youngest is an adult.

Is there anyway you can have a break to try and get your head straight? Any holiday you can take back home? Or any relatives/friends that can come over for some moral support?

I agree with PP that the UK at the moment isn’t a great place to be. Could you maybe come over for a long visit next school holiday and see what you feel?

Your H cannot expect all the ‘burden’ of the DC to fall on you, so make sure he is still doing his bit.

To be honest, if I were you I'd probably just go home. Quickly, while he's still feeling guilty enough to give you permission and while the kids are still young. If you wait till they're 18/21/25... they will have entire adult lives firmly based in Australia and then you'll be forced to make a choice between the UK and them.

It's selfish, I guess, but I think FizzyGreenWater is right.

Also, how much family do they have around them now and how much would they have in the UK?

WhatFizzy said, go and go now.

The kids are young enough to adapt, and he hasn’t started to show what kind of ex he’ll be yet, she’s right a man that can lie that long and bare faced set up with another woman is going to be a thorn in your side.

If you stay you are there forever, you won’t want to leave adult kids and grandkids.

They need a happy mum and a stable supportive extended family as they come to terms with their dads betrayel.

Firstly thank you for all your replies, I've read through all of them.

I know in my heart that if I asked the kids they would want to stay. They adore life here. Go to a great school and have amazing friends. Their grand parents, on both sides, come over to visit regularly so they have good relationships with them.

My family in the UK is spread out so I don't even know where I would go. I think I have just been absolutely blindsided by this.

I can't handle the thought of having to share them with him and his OW. When our youngest was born we had a really good opportunity to return to the UK which I wanted to take and he begged me stay her in Oz. Hindsight is an amazing thing. I wish I had gone back then. I think I just need to take a few days to let my brain settle.

They have no family or close friends around them here. It's always just been the four of us. We've had to move around because of his work. However where we live now we've been here for four years. I find it hard to make friends when I'm working fulltime

We do have the main school holidays coming up here so we could take a trip back to see what we all think. I just hate him for what he has done.

If he will let you remove the kids to the UK, then I'd do that tbh. I have a friend who makes intercontinental parenting work with her ex (neither cheated or has had a live in partner since they split which may have helped), though its taken commitment on both sides. But I'd bet that between working away and moving in with the OW that your dc wouldn't be seeing a lot of their dad anyway

Id move back to the UK or you'll be stuck there forever or face moving and leaving them and possibly grandchildren etc

Id move home and make a life for yourself aware the children will need support with rhe change and find the right school and area for them.

Livjng in a country you dont want to sharing children with an ex wjo doesnt really want them is horrible.

I agree with FizzyGreenWater. Your husband has basically said he's going to move on with the OW and you can take the kids away.
Do it now while he's still feeling guilty because I bet that will wear off quickly and then you'll be really stuck. I imagine within a year or two that OW will be pregnant and there will be less time for your kids anyway.
Remember not to believe a word he says, he's already shown he can't be trusted.

I don't know anything about the law in Australia apart from watching Border Security: Australia's Front Line but I'd suggest getting some specialist legal advice. EG - if you move your DC to the UK, can maintenance still be enforced? Would contact arrangements need to be facilitated by you (i.e. would you need to take them by air to see their dad twice a year)?

If you move back to the UK, it's not just you that has to start over - your DDs will too. If they currently have a good social structure and are doing well at school then I'd be very wary of disturbing that and uprooting them from the only environment they've ever known.

The parlous states of most UK schools is another factor. Your oldest has what, 3 years to go? If her outcomes are projected to be good at GSCE level, a massive upheaval could really damage that.

I know it's hard and I really feel for you. But right now at this stage of your life, you need to prioritise your DC's feelings.

Don't do anything in a hurry, as pp said, things aren't that great here, I would try and make a new life in Australia, especially as the kids love it.

He wants to set up home with the OW? Don't run off to the UK with the kids and remove them from their home and everything they know, love and is their identity at a time of change anyhow.

Stay. Make him have them 50/50. Insist.
Tell him you absolutely don't want the kids to miss out on time with either of you.
Let the OW and he see that life with 2 teens isn't roses and sunshine. Let him see the grass isn't greener. That this is life with teens.

I'd give it 6 months with a reality check.... not sneaked moments and kid-free romance.

Exactly what glitterfarts said.

And what if you come back to the UK, resettle, and the first opportunity the kids get once they’re 18 is they go back to Australia and stay supported by their father? That to me would be a million times worse than staying and keeping the family together in the same country.

snowystar
I have no sensible advice but just wanted to say what a rotten thing to happen.You must be broken hearted, I'm incensed on your behalf, what an absolute pig.I hate cheaters.
Your kids will keep you going for now but try to find someone to confide in and share the load.
Also make sure that his and your parents know what a POS he is.
I wish you and your kids all the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope that your STBex gets knobrot.
Take care Mx.

@maras2 thank you

I truely just don't know what to do for best. The kids in the Australian system still have around at least 7 years of schooling here to do and their school is Kindy to Year 13. I just don't know how I could rip them from their lives but I hate it here. I just feel like I've just been plodding along behind him and the kids lives, maybe that's been part of what's caused this and for him to stray.

Will it be easier for you to make friends when he has the kids for contact, will you be able to fit in a hobby or something then?

You'd be compounding the loss of their parent's joint relationship with the loss of their father, their friends, their schools and their home.

I'm sure if you came back to the UK, you'd all eventually be fine, but you shouldn't pretend to yourself that coming back to the UK is necessarily best for them.

Maybe. Work full time 40 hours a week. I suppose my weekends are full at the moment with the kids. It's just makes me sad that I wouldn't have them at weekends and it would just be me. Not the life I wanted. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm just destroyed