Relationship breakdown whilst living in Australia

[snowystar]

We've been living in Australia for nearly 15years. Both DC were born here ( aged 9&12). TBH I have never fully settled but never really had much choice in returning to the UK. I now find myself in the awful position of finding out my husband has been having an affair.

And now i feel I'm trapped. All I want is to return to the UK but my husband won't. So this means I have 2 choices :

1.Bring my kids back to the UK, which means they have no regular contact with their father ( he has said as much as it would kill him he would let me because of what he has done ) He will never return to the UK

1. Stay and be trapped in Australia so my kids can maintain contact with their father even though I hate living here.

Feel absolutely helpless. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

Think long term OP, you are unhappy and have been for a long time, the children are happy but they are young enough to move if you do it quickly and they will be happy here.
You will have family and friends here and support that is valuable don't underestimate it.
IF you were to stay you'd never really be able to come back, the children will grow build more intrcate lives in Oz and can you imagine leaving them/grandchildren.
Short term upset for the children now can lead to a lifetime of happiness for all 3 of you.
Please think of yourself only at this point your 'husband' made his choice and TBH as cruel as it sounds he will just have to suck up the consequences of his actions.

It sounds like a great plan to come for a long break even if all it does is give you time to deal with what you really want and family support.

Frankly, from my experience of it (twice) it is NOT an easy or straightforward solution to just 'come back'. Particularly if your family is spread out too. We 'went back' to Sydney after 7 years in UK and found it difficult and experienced the same 'coming back' to the UK after nearly a decade.

We came across for a long break to see how we felt about moving back as well. 'Just to see' and we loved every minute of it. Even my DD.

After the first heady few months, DD had started to talk about how she disliked it. And, she had both of her parents here giving her support and had not had to deal with the upheaval of parents just separating AND an international move halfway around the world in a short period of time.

Of course, personality types and how they cope varies hugely so I am not saying this cannot work.

If it helps to have a few 'gotchas' to think about. Some things DD found very difficult were; jumping 6 months ahead with school; the pressure at this age to 'fit in' seems more fierce here than it ever did in the area of Sydney we lived in (and this could be the area that we live in now, not UK-wide admittedly); depending on when you come over and the younger one goes into Year 6 at one school and then the following year has to make a whole heap of new friends again at high school. While we continued to make calls to friends in Australia and Skype/facetime chats, it may not work with your DC's personality.

Of course, the same goes with your 12 yr old and depending on the timing you move. They then lose 6 months of school (this could be critical again depending on your child) and how does this effect them.

And there is a good chance that my DD WILL move herself back to Australia to go to Uni to get a job in 6-7 years. So, it really does bear thinking about.

Good luck! Of course, I think maybe the first thing you do is to take the time to adjust to the new family dynamic while taking care of yourself.

The thing is that even if you stayed there, it sounds as though he doesn't care less about seeing the kids. He plans to start again with this new woman, doesn't he? He sounds a real bastard.

Also if you stay, the kids might want to go to uni there, will almost certainly want to work there... At what point can you leave? You're completely stuck there.

I would talk to the children and say that you want to come home and that they can come out for the long holidays every year. Their dad will surely pay for that?

Work on yourself. Getting happy. Working full time doesn't preclude making friends and Australian cities are the best for clubs and meet ups - you can leave the kids with their dad while you go out and make some friends!

You've been utterly blindsided (and I'd also worry that their dad saying 'take them home to the UK' means that he doesn't intend to have anything to do with them even if you stay in Oz), so you need to form yourself a support network. Don't take the kids away from their home (and thus give their dad a perfect excuse to brush them off and set up a new life),

You can't sacrifice your own life to keep your kids happy flowers
That’s exactly what the op had to do, she has done nothing wrong but neither hsve the children.
They can’t be ripped away from their home country , their father, everything they know.
Op I really feel for you but you need to stay for your children’s sake. Am so sorry your husband has put you in this position.

But if she stays, she has to stay for life! She can't leave the country when they're in their early 20s - that would be horrible for her.

And there is a good chance that my DD WILL move herself back to Australia to go to Uni to get a job in 6-7 years. So, it really does bear thinking about.

I need to qualify my own comment, you cannot make plans based on the fact that your DC will settle in the same country that you are in after school/uni/when they move out of home. Of course as fully functioning adults they should be free to settle in whatever country they please.

If you came back to the UK you would still have problems making friends if you work full time, you say family are spread out so you could end up just a lonely bit with unsettled kids.
I would put up with it until children are adults, if he has them at the weekend you could use that time to start to make friends, go to classes new hobbies etc.
I'm really sorry you are going through this but I think you need to stay and I think from your posts you know this too.

You need to move back home with your kids

With a small decision like which school to attend ,you allow your kids a say .something this big ,like a move to another country,you don’t .you want to come home ,your kids place is with u

I think I would probably stay as I don't think the UK is a great place at the moment. I think the children dealing with a divorce, plus all of the issues a totally new country and life would bring may be too much.

A friend did this and now her girls are both over 18 they are planning to move back. For them Australia was always their home and they want to have their own families there. This is something you need to think about too as it is a possibility if they are happy there now. Or when they get older and can have a say over where they live, they may want to go live with their dad as a way back. For the 12 year old that could only be a few years away

@Pringlesfortea

You are correct in that their place is with a parent.

However, from my experience you cannot make DCs 'settle' into a new country and culture, even with family around. I believe that the potential for issues surrounding this, need to be taken into account in the whether the OP feels she can then cope with it on top of all she has already to cope with. Particularly as she has also said her job is not transferrable.

If you wait until the youngest is 18 I doubt they would want to leave so then you’ll be faced with either staying there or leaving without them.

Your husband is an arsehole.

I’d take your kids home. Go back to where you have support. If you stay in Aus until the kids have moved out they will most likely stay and consider it home. To be close to the kids you will be isolated from your friends and family

I'd go and try it out. Worst case you come back to Oz. The kids might love the UK too. I grew up between the UK and Oz. I love Australia but also feel very at home in the UK and the ability to move around Europe. Lots of people experience different countries growing up, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I'd leave now whilst they are young or it is very likely you will need to stay there forever as they will make their own life there. This is why it's always a mistake to go to a faraway place like Oz for someone else if you're not 100% on board, too.

You need support. I'd go whilst he's still willing to let you. No doubt.

Come back for the holidays, get him to sign the papers saying they can move to the UK with you.

Give yourself breathing space to make the decision.

I suppose I would come back to the UK and give it a go, you can always return to Aus. If you wait a few more years they will be too old to consider it IMHO

Hindsight is an amazing thing. I wish I had gone back then.

You'll be saying this again in 10 years time if you don't go now.

FizzyGreenWater is spot on - go now, whilst he agrees. Get it in writing, witnessed by a notary, 1st available appointment. Then book tickets and fly out under urgency. Enrol the kids in doctor, school, extra curriculars - establish ties and habitual residence.

You state there's no one around you, just you 4, but you have family around the UK. A few hours drive or an hour on a plane is much easier than the 40 hours travel you presently deal with.

As for the children returning to Australia. Well, they might. But a well known issue suffered by those who emigrate to Australia is the (even Aussie born) kids growing up then taking their British passport and moving permanently to the UK. Seen it again and again. You could very well find that they move to the UK when finished Uni anyway, leaving you alone in Australia, too old and too late to start again. Just down the road from ex and his OW.

Go now.

Oh my poor dear lady. How truly awful.

Think about posting this in Living Overseas or post a link there to this thread, you might get some uesful perspectives.

I am an expat and I have seen marriages breakdown where the mother has to stay somewhere she is not happy. It is totally soul-destroying. Not only have you followed your husband to the other side of the world for his job, stayed when you had a really good opportunity to go back, because his needs were put first, you and the children have followed around after him and each time, you had to settle the children, set up home and start your life again while his job and career came first.

Now, he has, yet again, put his needs before you and the children and has clearly told you that you will not come first in his life and if you want, you can take the kids to the opposite side of the world while he sets up his new life. Neither you nor your children deserve this treatment.

You are in no way responsible for what happened, every time he put his needs before yours he took another piece of the relationship you built together and threw it away. This is his fault, not yours.

in 10 years time, you will have lived another 10 years in a place you don't feel happy, living on less income than you have now, facilitating a relationship between him and your children when he clearly has failed repeatedly to put their needs first. This will all come down to you and you will be left fitting your career in around your children and be left with a gaping hole when he can manage to waltz in and take the children away for a fun-filled weekend.

You will be 10 years older and lacking any energy to make a new start. Your children will be 10 years older and either heading into adulthood in whatever part of the world they want to.

Don't make any decisions quickly, but put yourself first. Get yourself a great lawyer and make sure you do not simply let him walk away from the lifelong sacrifices you have made for him and your family. Find yourself someone who will listen to you and allow you to work through all of your own thoughts, putting yourself front and centre, before you can work out what is best for the children.

Maybe you can get him to pay a lump sum for you to retrain / set up a business / throw yourself into your career while he has the children 24/7 and you see them every other weekend for two years and you can start the life you have never had the chance to dream of, as a xxxxx fill in the blanks. Maybe if you weren't traipsing around after him, you might be able to find happiness.

This would probably mean you won't then be able to take them to the UK at the end of it so if you really do want to come back, make sure your action plan will make that happen instead.

Tell your children you love them and that none of this is your fault and none of this is their fault. but that you will do your best to make sure you all come out of this as best you can. Make sure you are not the last in line.

Again, thank you everyone for the posts. It really had given me support.

I think I'm going to let things settle for a few days and then at the weekend start making some plans, even if it's just short terms ones.

I think in all of this I've got to remember that I can't let his poor decisions define mine and the kids lives and maybe this is the wake up call I need to get my life back and not just be someone's wife

Take your time OP - there is no rush . Life in the UK is very different to 15 years ago - I personally think there’s trouble ahead . If you have a decent job and the means to support your family I’d stick with it . Concentrate on enriching your own life . I have several newly divorced friends who are thriving because they are making time for themselves .

This sounds awful.
I would make the move before he changes his mind. It's been so long and you haven't settled and that's probably because he's been having a totally separate life.
If I were you, I would sit down with the kids and tell them the situation exactly as it is calmly that he's been with another woman for three years and moving with her and you had no idea. They will know sooner or later anyway. I would tell them about moving to the UK and trying it out because you haven't settled there at all and it may be because of his double life too.
Then ask them if they would move with you and try it out for a year. If they don't like it they can move back and the same for you. You might find that you dislike the UK now. Things have changed so much since you left.
I would then say the same to their dad to keep him on your side as he may just be saying that to keep you sweet. Say to him you will just try the UK out as you are not sure yourself. And leave it at that point.
Then once you are in the UK you can decide and also listen to what your children have to say.
They are already going to see their father move out and live with another woman pretty soon. It's not fair on you to sit back and watch and take the burden.

You need to consider that the 12 year old could say no. 12 isn't that young. I'd be devastated at that age to not just be moved area but country. The lifestyle here is completely different.

I don’t blame you for feeling sorry for yourself. This is awful and crushing. How did you feel about Oz before you found out about the affair? It could be it’s an immediate reaction to run “home”. Like you’ve said take some time to think it through. Maybe a holiday back to the U.K. you’ve been knocked for six so don’t rush into anything.

Snowystar it's a shame that you haven't enjoyed living in Australia for 15 years. I don't understand that tbh. I have been an expat and I think it's all in your mindset. Yes, there will always be things we miss about back home but there are usually lots of great things there that aren't at home.

Also, coming back to the UK starting from scratch without even having a place with lots of friends and family will be difficult. You'll also have 100% custody which will make it difficult for you to date or do things with your friends or hobbies.

If you stay the kids are settled. You're in a good career and when their dad has them you can go out and do stuff for you, date etc. They'll also be able to spend time with both parents which I think is very very important.