Relationship breakdown whilst living in Australia

[snowystar]

We've been living in Australia for nearly 15years. Both DC were born here ( aged 9&12). TBH I have never fully settled but never really had much choice in returning to the UK. I now find myself in the awful position of finding out my husband has been having an affair.

And now i feel I'm trapped. All I want is to return to the UK but my husband won't. So this means I have 2 choices :

1.Bring my kids back to the UK, which means they have no regular contact with their father ( he has said as much as it would kill him he would let me because of what he has done ) He will never return to the UK

1. Stay and be trapped in Australia so my kids can maintain contact with their father even though I hate living here.

Feel absolutely helpless. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

Go as soon as you can. Your kids are young enough for the transition. Leave it 2/3 years more, and your elder child wil be prepping for whatever their GCSE equivalents are.

I understand homesickness, I truly do. First though you need to work on your immediate situation, it might feel like you need to be wrapped in the comfort blanket of home but that would be an elastoplast for now. Work on each day, your children are going to go through some really hard times, England is always there and will be when or if you are all ready.

id stay there tbh. The UK is in turmoil. Its not a good time to come back, and I dont think it would be best for your childrens futures.
I would maybe try and build up a better friendship circle where you are or move to another part of australia. Try and get your family to come over to stay more, or full time

Given the ages of your children I think you have to take their views in to consideration.

@midsomermurderess

Given that one DC is 12, family court in Australia may take their views into consideration. If it comes to a court decision that is. They do get a say about it all if they are not happy with custody arrangements in certain situations.

So yes, actually taking their choice into consideration is probably not something to ignore.

I think you’re getting some bad advice from some saying just come back as if it is simple. You do deserve sympathy but ultimately it does seem like a selfish move without fully accounting for the kids. As it’s been said it’s not a case of coming home for them. They’re born and bred Australians which is totally different to someone moving across for a few years and then moving back to somewhere they are familiar with.

Pretty much all the reasons and justification by those advising you to just do it is in relationship to what’s best for you and not necessarily them.

I wouldn’t rush it like some are advising. Things are raw and you need time to think about it. You’ll be coming back to no house and no job. I’m sure it sounds like an appealing prospect (and this will be swayed by the fact you’ve said you’ve never fully settled) currently but you’d be wise to let the dust settle a little.

Has your husband actually said he’s not going to or willing to be a significant part in their lives or is he just guilt ridden?

winesalot, I think that would certainly be the case here, well in Scotland anyway, so not surprised it would be the same in Australia.

Midsomer- that is good to know.

@caucho I have wondered too. I could not find at all where it said the father was not wanting to be involved. OP said that he said he would agree reluctantly because he understood she was unhappy and felt guilty.

I also question the advice ‘just move you can always go back.’ Really? Have those advising this actually done this ping ponging between countries as a single parent?. One who has start new career as well. This is not an organized expat arrangement where there are jobs and accommodation organized and paid for you. Would these people follow their own advice and quickly move home, and then just move back In a few years if ‘home’ didn’t work out either, if they were in the same situation?

Hi everyone

Thank you for all the advice and kind words. So I got legal advice this morning and as long as he consents by signing a document I can return with the kids. The courts don't become involved unless he contests it. This isn't a pathway I would pursue.

However, after a lot of thinking I've decided not to make any rush decisions. We still have one term left before 10'weeks of summer holidays coming up. I going to wait until that break and to see where my head is at and to how the kids are going and what their thoughts are.

He still maintains he wishes a relationship with the children but I think the guilt of what he has done is consuming him, which is his issue not mine, and that is why he would be agreeable to us leaving. However, I absolutely know that he could change his mind at any moment regarding but that Is a risk I have to take.

I visit the uk regularly and know a lot has changed. My reasons are for having a support network there that I just don't have here but of course my kids come first which is why I'm so conflicted. But hopefully over the next few weeks my head might clear and I can think about what is best for all of us long term.

Thank you again everyone

So sorry you are in this situation OP. We too are living in Australia and I have seen this exact same situation play out with multiple friends. There DH have not agreed or agreed and then change their mind to letting the kids leave and due to The Hague convention they are stuck. This applies to friends children who were born in the uk/Ireland and they still aren’t allowed to leave.

Do you and the kids have citizenship? Sorry but I am going to go against the grain here.
If it was me I would get on a plane ASAP before he changes his mind. Get it in writing. You can take a much needed break and be surrounded by family and friends. Think of it as a holiday for a few months. Then decide what you want to do. You can always return to Oz at anytime. School holidays are not that far away and tell the school you need re turn home for a personal matter.

If you stay you MAY not be able to leave down the road, if you get it in writing and then decide you want to come back at least you have options.

Take care of yourself and the kids xx

Stay and make him do half childcare. See how long his new family lasts. Not being mean. He’s the dad you can get a life there too - beyond all this stuff he’s put you though. Yes you love your kids but you also deserve to find someone and settle down so your kids can stay put. I’d stay but make it work more in your favour

Yes we all hold both uk and Australian passports.
The legal advice I got this morning is that if he consents in writing we can leave, once I have the consent, he has a 5 day period to change his mind then we are free to travel and leave etc.

If you want to go then go, but it can be hard to get into schools. Get settled and put your kids on waiting lists for schools and as they are young enough still then just home school. Ignore the stigma around it and just get your kids in the right school for them. That’s what I’d do. Where you land and settle is everything. It will be a big change but once your arrive don’t rush all that side of it. Your kids won’t miss much at those ages. Go for it.

why should all this be on you? Why should you have to compromise? Why should you have to be the martyr?

In England, the kids would (probably) be seen as 'exotic' and 'cool'. Just the right time for them to make a transition, fit into new friendship groups, etc, and as they're active children, they'd find new after school activities and probably make friends easily that way, too.

stay, and you'll have no social support, no friends, a cheating ex who will soon be all loved up with the OW and totally trapped.

you'll end up miserable, lonely and bitter just so the kids can maintain a 'relationship' with a lying, cheating scumbag who'll throw his family under the bus so he can get his leg over?

it's motherhood, not sainthood, you know.

I feel sympathy for you. None of this is your fault. Do what is best for you, and that will be what's right for the children, too.

I've decided not to go immediately. We have the main school holidays coming up in December. I will wait to then to come back for a few weeks so i can make a more informed decision. I know I run the risk of him changing his mind but it's a risk I'll take for now

Again I really want to say thank you for all the posts. I have read them all and felt so much support. This thread wasn't so much about England v Australia more about the crap situation and living in a different country from family and friends that I have a long history with. Each country offers me and the kids different things, so it's about trying to make the right decision for me and my kids xx

Op, please imagine your life in ten years time.

If you return to the UK now, knowing that your children love Australia, they may resent you in future for making that decision for them.

So, by then, your eldest will be 22yrs old, he will be holding memories of happy times with his family, sunny days, great school, beautiful country. If he still holds a longing for his country of birth, then he will be saddled with the same decisions you are making now.

Should he stay with his mother out of loyalty or should he return to his father and restart the life he left behind. Once one child leaves, the younger one will probably hanker to follow.

I’m not saying this will definitely happen, but, there is a very high chance it could.

You could then find yourself back in the UK without your kids.

My partner was born in OZ, his family took him to the UK when he was 8 because they thought he was missing out on extended family. In later years he had to break the news to his parents that he was returning to Australia. We have been here a few years now and this is home. Both parents have since passed away.

Don’t make any snap decisions just yet, you are still in panic mode and what you choose to do now will have a massive impact on all your futures.

Sorry you found yourself in this shitty situation, I wish you all the best.

Sorry OP, crossed post

I'm sorry op but he made a choice to have an affair. Maybe just maybe if he had thought about his family at all he may have worked out it would result in this. Sod him. Come back to the UK and if he wants to maintain contact he can pay for flights. He should have kept his penis in his pants!

One thing to think about is the difference in educational systems. If you do end up coming back to the UK I would recommend doing that so your eldest can start Year 9 at the latest. That would either give him a year to settle before the start of GCSE's or as some schools seem to run over 3 years starting in Y9 at least be in school for the whole 3 years.

If you stay in Australia to see the DC into adulthood then you are probably there to stay regardless of how happy or unhappy you might be at the time. Can't imagine you will put the children first now and then leave without them when they are both 21.

I'm presuming the grandparents are also all ageing, they won't be able to do that flight to Australia indefinitely and if they become unwell and you are still unhappy being away you are probably going to want to come back to the UK even more and by then it might not be possible.

I'm Australian but if the situation was reversed, I'd be taking them back while his guilt and remorse is still strong. If you wait he may change his mind.

Why don't you go back for a year, give yourself some time to adjust and some distance from your husband. After the year is up you can see how you and the kids feel and then decide if you want to stay in England or come back to Australia.
This will sound awful but your kids will probably be happy in the UK, you will be happy and if you go now while your husband feels guilty he is likely to be ok with it. If you wait and he settles into his new life and you are miserable and in six months you want to go home he may not let you take the kids. Just something to think about.

@snowystar

I hope you and the DCs are ok. What a shitty thing. I am so glad you got legal advice so you know where to start. IMO, you are doing the right thing to take a breath allow the DC to adjust to new home life . At least to make sure you are coping on the changes and get a gauge your own mental health.

While many as saying the kids will adapt, it will be fine. You may find it it simply not the case and it can be punishing to your own mental health. As I have said previously, my 10 yr old took about the whole school year of extra tutoring/family help to get their maths confidence back.

I definitely could not imagine bringing a high schooler over without understanding that it may take considerable support from you (either personal time and effort or paid tutoring) to get over that gap half a year. Of course, they may simply breeze through and then you are all good.

In my DC case, don’t feel ‘exotic’ and ‘cool’ at all. They often feel like an alien to the point they even had their form in year 8 tell them they pronounce everything incorrectly- including emu (what the actual f!!!). We are hoping year 9 is the key. It will be 4 years and we ourselves found at that mark previously that we felt like U.K. was home. So, yes while your DC might again acclimate immediately, it may well be very helpful if they start off without having to deal with a fresh and maybe raw pain of the family break up.

Also, something to take into account which no one mentioned here is that AU$ that he pays in support may not cover quite as much. Maybe, that can be something you can research over the Chrissy break so you know exactly what it covers and make plans.

Look as far as everyone talking about being ‘stuck’ when they are adults. You must realize that while it is a nice thought to be around their adult selves, I cannot believe that making a decision on where you live based on the country they live is wise. You need to make that decision based on you and your needs if they are adults. Full stop!!! Don’t fall into that trap.

Whichever decision you make will be the right one if you make it with as much information and advice as you can. Even quick decisions can be good if they are well thought through and you don’t go into it blindly.

As everyone says though, he was totally in the wrong. Please don’t be made to feel that your actions made him have an affair. It was all him!

@Winesalot thank you. Some good advice and kind words. The education gap does worry me massively. My oldest is year 5 here in Australia but if we returned would be entering halfway through Year 7

If you stay in Australia to see the DC into adulthood then you are probably there to stay regardless of how happy or unhappy you might be at the time. Can't imagine you will put the children first now and then leave without them when they are both 21.
Considering that OP has lived for the last 15 years on the other side of the planet to her own parents, I should think she can imagine her own children not living in the same place as her once they are big.