Relationship breakdown whilst living in Australia

[snowystar]

We've been living in Australia for nearly 15years. Both DC were born here ( aged 9&12). TBH I have never fully settled but never really had much choice in returning to the UK. I now find myself in the awful position of finding out my husband has been having an affair.

And now i feel I'm trapped. All I want is to return to the UK but my husband won't. So this means I have 2 choices :

1.Bring my kids back to the UK, which means they have no regular contact with their father ( he has said as much as it would kill him he would let me because of what he has done ) He will never return to the UK

1. Stay and be trapped in Australia so my kids can maintain contact with their father even though I hate living here.

Feel absolutely helpless. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

A lot of replies are on the basis that the father will make an effort to see the children so the OP will get a break. It doesn't seem like he is one of those fathers who will stick around. He already is more than happy for you to take them to the other side of the world. That is why I would get him to sign whatever he needs to asap as when things start turning sour, he will use it as a means to control you and keep you there, no choice, and he also won't see the kids. It will be all on you either way.
I hope he doesn't turn out like that but I wouldn't be hopeful right now.

As adults I think sometimes we look at our own childhood - the other side - with rose tinted glasses. Eg those who have said they missed their friends a lot when they moved and never settled in the new place, I know so many people including myself who had wonderful friendships at 9 or 12 but within the same year or a couple of years or after secondary lost all those friendships or sole friendships are WhatsApp messages because one of us moved away to another part of the UK so it's hard to see each other anyway. I don't think most people keep the same friendships they had at 9 or 12 for life. It's just easy to put it down to moving counties when really it happens to most of us. I had a friend from day one of nursery all the way to secondary. Then we made new friends and drifted apart. The new friends also become ex friends or text friends and I met other people as life went on etc. Actually my closest friends are the ones I met after I was 12 at secondary school and I don't see them at all as most of us have moved away but we message from time to time. I'm not too invested in the friends scene anyway and am busy with my own family.

This is why I think it is so important to think about you. Where did you used to live? Maybe it's a good opportunity to find an area with nice parks, scenery, activities etc so you can spend the first few months taking the kids there and being busy as they ease into life in the UK.

I think you need to put your feelings first, you’ve been through an awful time. What is the kids relationship like with him? Are they particularly close to him? If not then I’d be heading straight back to the UK where my family could support me. Sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a complete selfish knobhead. 😞

To the posters saying "get the consent letter now in case he changes his mind and then take your time to decide" ... he can change his mind at any point until she and the kids are habitually resident in the uk. That's why its absolutely vital - if she wants to go - to get the signed and witnessed letter, urgently book plane tickets, get to the uk and immediately enrol the kids in school, doctors etc. She isn't safe until she can demonstrate that the children are habitually resident in the UK...the children are presently habitually resident in Australia.

What a horrible position to be in OP. I'm sorry.
At what point will you tell your kids?
They are still pretty young and would cope if you came back to the UK?
Good luck with your decision.

The way I see it OP is that you have a couple of options. The first is to get a letter of consent from your STBXH to enable you to take your children and go home to the UK. I think you might have to file for divorce where you are currently domiciled so I don't know whether you have to do this and stay in Aus until it is finalised or whether you can file from the UK. Do you have a support system in the UK that you can rely on as a single parent. What about your parents,family and friends. Surely they would rather have you and the children closer to home?
The second option is to stay where you are in Aus as a single parent as I don't think you can rely on your STBXH to act as a responsible parent and take on his fair share of childcare etc. What about child maintenance? Would you be better able to claim child maintenance and spousal maintenance whilst resident in Aus?
Option three is to take the kids and move elsewhere in Aus as a clean break.
What do you want to do OP?

Is this your favourite place you've lived in Australia, would you and the boys prefer a previous town.
As you've been so busy and he's been fucking off with his floozy, get him to sign everything whilst he still feels guilty, open ended permission to fly the kids home etc
Don't know what the child maintenance is like there but I'd be telling him you need to go part time to help eases the transition for the boys so they have stability. Might help you feel settled, make friends if you have some time for yourself too.
Take some time, this must be a massive shock.

I think this is one of those times you have to do what’s right for the kids, not for you. They’re losing their dad.

What you seem to be searching for is “home” and support. Like what you might have got from a mother as a child. So seek someone to mother you, protect you, listen to you, hug you. A grief consellor or support counsellor maybe? Local minister?

Another point posters may be missing is that it's generally more difficult to get permission to move children away in Australia than in the UK. Courts expect the children to remain a short travel distance (by car) from the other parent. If OP hates her present location, she would need the ex's permission to move to another town or to the city. UK courts are much more flexible on this point.

I maybe an old cynic but staying for your children might be a tad shortsighted.
I agree with another poster that his willingness to let you take them to the uk, is very telling about how he perhaps sees his life panning out with the ow.
Add more children into the mix and how much of a dad would he really be? I'm afraid I've seen it time and time again (including my own dc who have been totally sidelined for their Dads new wife & dc)
They are young and will adapt, thrive and survive. You deserve support & happiness too. Go quickly while you still have his blessing.

I think its important that the Ops children are as settled and happy as possible but that absolutely does not mean that the OP has to wait around in Australia whilst her unfaithful husband buggers off with his bit on the side. The OP has in this situation every right to do what is best for her and if that means coming back to the UK for family support then that is what needs to happen.

Actually the fact that her son is 12 could negate any rights she has. Also the father is feeling guilty now.
How many times have women posted saying their Ex has made promises of houses and all savings and assets out of guilt only for everything to settle and them to retract it.

I would not rush the decision, you may find single life suits you there, and talk to the kids in an age appropriate way, they will have opinions too even though they don't get to choose. They know no other life. If you do choose to return it won't be easy either, I struggled when I returned from living overseas, even though we returned as a family.

Best wishes though, not easy decisions

I think you need to look not just at how the next 6-9 years will work, but what do you do once the dc are adults and at uni or working? Will you be trapped in Australia forever if you want to see them? If you go now, while you can trade on your shit of a husband’s guilt, you have the chance to establish yourself in the UK. Make friends through the youngest’s primary school, settle near some family or old friends and get your old self back. Otherwise you’re marking time in Aus for the kids ... and then what?

Your children will get the advantage of UK and Aus experiences, they will have friends there and in the UK. They may have more opportunities open to them. They will have the choice of staying in the UK or heading back to Aus for uni or jobs if they want.

Good luck. What a horrible place to find yourself in. But honestly in order to be a good mum you need to put yourself first for now.

My Dsis were about the same age of your DC when we moved to the UK, they settled well despite loving their home, school, friends and family and having to learn a totally new language but again everyone is an individual.

Agree with a PP that if you stay he needs to actually be around more and do some actual parenting. No wonder you're not happy, you've shouldered most of raising your DC whilst he clearly had too much time on his hands.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you

Another thing to factor in for OP is that whilst DC's grandparents can come & visit now, it could be a very different scenario in 10 years.

A friend of mine, who lives in Australia, has had to fly back several times recently as his mum is dying of cancer. He is divorced & shares custody of DC so it's really difficult.

I was in a similar situation 4 years ago.
All my family are South African and I come from a large family. ExH Family is much smaller in comparison. When I discovered his affair it was just over 18 months after we moved from the South East to the Midlands. But the first 12 months DD1 then only 7 had her first year in the Midlands in a horrible bullying situation. She then started a great school the Oct of her Year 2 year. DD2 was almost finished with preschool and due to start same primary meaning we made friends from DD1 who all had siblings in DD2s primary. When the affair came out we knew these people 8 months. My friends from down south immediately assumed I’m moving back down south. My family back in South Africa especially my parents to start and close friends thought yes after 10 years I’m finally now moving back home.

Why I didn’t take that opportunity as I knew exh wouldn’t stop me was mainly because I always promised myself that I will not be the reason for him not having a relationship with his daughters. I knew for a fact that he would never travel back to South Africa to see the girls. I also didn’t move back down South as my “new” friends were amazing in supporting me.

It was shite for a long time. Exh hardly bothered first 2.5 years whilst he set up home with OW. The few times he had them was so hard as I alway said I never signed up to be a part time parent. They eventually split up and within a month he had someone knew. Even younger than the first and they now have a family home. But still treat the girls as second class citizens. The girls has seen him for what he is.

In the four years I’ve become a completely different person. I have amazing friends. I have a social life. I have a boyfriend who my kids adore. We have couple social nights. Ladies nights. Days where kids are invited etc. I learnt to row. I just completed my 2nd year of an Accounting Degree. I’ve traveled much more than I ever did but what I was always the plan when I first moved here almost 15 years ago.

Most importantly I am happy now. More than I ever was back then. I have someone who put the girls and I first. Only work week days as exh used to work long days and weekends.

Good luck and stuff will eventually get better should you decide to stay or go. x

I agree with the previous poster in that if you stay in Oz until your children are adults then it is much.more likely that they will establish lives and careers and put down permanent roots there and have children of their own. It would then be much much harder for you to leave your children and any grandchildren and relocate to the UK alone. If you are able to get your stbxhs permission to leave then go and go now. Are there any pets to think about relocating with you or a house to sell? If you are so unhappy in Australia then take this chance to come home and build a new happy life.

Are you legally a citizen of Oz? Will you be able to stay without your husband?

I would go back to the UK and take the kids with me. Families with children emigrate all the time - you wouldn't exactly be taking them to some third world country. It's the UK and a nice place to live, how would that be a bad thing? If you ask them then of course they will want to stay, kids don't like change, so I don't think it would be wise to ask them to decide. By all means discuss it with them but you need to explain that the final decision lays with you and their father - and he's made it pretty clear where his loyalties lie hasn't he? He can come and visit - and they can go on long school holidays. It could work OP.

Yes, of course the kids will grow up and one day may want to go back to Australia but nobody can possibly predict what our kids will be doing in the next 5-10 years. You can't make your decision on a possibility that may never happen. And tbh they all leave home one day.

Please don't beat yourself up about this - non of it is your fault. And drop the guilt - you have nothing to be guilty about.

If you hate it I would leave. It's not great for the kids to see less of their dad but also but great to have a mum that's miserable. You are important too and your kids would adjust to life in the UK.

I would ... lay bets on the fact that a dad who would be ok with you taking them to the other side of the world is pretty much planning to be a very different kind of dad from now on

Very much this ^ You said that you'd find it hard to "share" the DCs or to miss having them there at the weekends, but are you quite sure he'd even want^ to see them? I'm truly sorry, but this sounds to me like someone who's so obsessed with his "new start" that he'll jettison everything

While there'd be challenges with the DCs settling in the UK, it might be even harder to stay and watch their sadness as their DF slips away and you make endless excuses to save their feelings

I'd definitely come back - and sooner rather than later, before the shine wears off his new romance and he starts to get awkward

OP, I'm very sorry for your heartbreak. But this is too soon to be making decisions like this. Also, as others have said, you're very lucky to be in Oz rather than the UK (yes I am thinking of the self-willed disaster that is Brexit).

Thing is - if you dont come home likeNOW, the kids will end up after 18 staying in australia most likely.

so then you will either have to stay because of the kids, and be miserable in OZ forever. Or leave them behind.

while hes letting you take them. get back to the UK,pronto

Im not sure "lucky to be in oz" has anything to do with it. Lots of grass is greener. Many Australians move here too. Australia has its downpoints too!

Its not about that though. Its about the rest of the OPs life and where she is best placed to live to bring up her children. It seems moving now, although difficult, would be the besg solution given reluctance of dads involvement, keen to let her go now, family in Uk, op doesnt want to stay in Oz.
Settle into the UK and put all energy into the this new adventure and then try see where the guture goes. Of course they may gk back to Oz as adults or visit, but you need a secure base and life - bit like the airplaine quote about putting your own oxygen mask on first.

Also it is possible if you stay ge will block you moving back, once hkm and OW have a baby and he likea the set up.