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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 28/09/2019 23:05

Yeah that's far too much contact for a married man op. He should never have been doing that & treating his wife that way.
I think he sees things differently from the reality. At one point when we were in contact every 2-3 days he made reference to how we are in touch every few weeks which just wasn’t true.
If I pointed out that our level of contact alone is above and beyond normal he would totally deny it and say he was just being a good friend to me.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 28/09/2019 23:20

It's difficult to determine how he sees the relationship then, he's either a liar or he has a blurred sense of what's going on. There would be no reason for him to be unaware of how much he's in contact with another woman outside of his marriage, unless extremely infrequent.

You've made a rod for your own back getting involved with him like that.
You can't change what's already happened but you can change what happens from now. He's married and anything beyond platonic is disrespectful.

I think you know this isn't right & I hope you do the right thing.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 28/09/2019 23:28

I think he tries to convince himself that we are more ‘casual’ friends than we are. Another example is, when we met up when it was just the two of us (daytime lunch), he called me to arrange it in advance. But that day he said to me something like, “isn’t it funny how we just bumped into each other today!”. I was so flabbergasted that I just smiled and nodded.

So what’s that all about? I think he has the same approach to texting, phoning, etc.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 28/09/2019 23:54

He's a liar & it sounds like he knows how to keep you in your place.
Why have you entertained this to the point you want to be with him?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 29/09/2019 00:01

I don’t think he meant to lie. I think he wanted to feel innocent so was trying to convince himself and me of his clear conscience.

Why do I want to be with him? I suppose it’s because we get on so incredibly well. He’s like a best friend whose clothes I want to rip off. He’s intelligent, funny, sexy, I find him good looking. He makes me feel important, like he’s genuinely interested in me and my life. We have a ridiculous amount in common. I just feel so incredibly happy when I’m with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 29/09/2019 00:11

Also, when we’re together it’s like we bring out the best in each other. We sparkle around each other. I know it sounds cheesy but it’s just how it is.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 29/09/2019 00:13

Of course he meant to lie!!

This is a married man & they have a child together. How could it get to that when you knew all along he was married? You still want to pursue this don't you?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 29/09/2019 00:22

Well we have never actually said anything to each other about how we feel. I think that, from my perspective, it wasn’t a case of letting things get close, it just sort of happened. He was my boss if that’s relevant.

I still have feelings for him that won’t go away. If his wife left him for an OM tomorrow and my friend turned around and asked me out then yes, I would like to date him. I have no intention of telling him how I feel.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 29/09/2019 00:36

I mean the feelings, the flirting etc did none of this make you feel uncomfortable or question him in any way? Or make you think it's best to back off? It would immediately cheapen someone for me, a married man coming onto me. I'd lose respect.

Maintaining this relationship when you feel the way you do is wrong as he's married, would you agree?

Fact is, he's very much with his wife & doesn't seem like he wants to leave her. Are you going to stay in touch in the hope something materialises?

bluebell34567 · 29/09/2019 00:45

he is nice because he is grooming you to like/love him.
op, dont waste your life for him.

user1471449295 · 29/09/2019 00:51

I feel sorry for his wife. I’ve read so many posts on here from a wife perspective of this exact situation. Back off. He is married. He has a child. You are a third wheel in their relationship. You can not be friends with someone who you have this depth of intensive feelings for. It’s not fair on you or his family.

Everafter1 · 29/09/2019 07:11

I agree with @CloudyWithAChance2 @user1471449295 & all the others who share the same pov.

OP I think you'll hang onto every word & take any scraps he throws your way. You'll put your life on hold & fall for it all hook line & sinker. Meanwhile, he has a wife keeping his bed warm & they'll be getting on with their life nicely.

He doesn't want to feel innocent by not admitting how often you were in contact, he's telling you that you better be going along with his version.

You don't need to tell him how you feel because he knows. You're right where he wants you, being submissive & foolish.

You say you sparkle & bring out the best in each other but you're also concerned if you vocalise your feelings him & his wife will laugh at you. He's no doubt already had a laugh at your expense.

Do you have a history of going for unavailable men?

You're a grown woman & you need to stop this. You have built this up & have this fantasy of him longing for you but in reality there's nothing concrete to base this on. Your lack of remorse for your part in this is worrying.

He's not going to leave his wife. Even if it crossed his mind he'd never leave without 'trying things out'. Let's be honest, he'd cheat on you too or want to cheat & how would you feel? He already knows he can do what he likes when it comes to you. He can say all the right things to make you feel good because there's nothing for him to lose when it comes to you, he's not invested, you hold no power.

You need to have more respect, confidence & belief in yourself that you don't need to be a hanger on. You can have a real relationship. I just can't sympathise with you, you're after a married man OP & you only have yourself to blame if his wife comes knocking or if he hurts you more directly. Probably all pointless words I'm sure.

Egghead68 · 29/09/2019 07:51

It’s a game to him. He’s leading you on to boost his ego. He sounds like he has narc-tendencies to me.

MsDogLady · 29/09/2019 08:11

He ‘didn’t mean to lie’ when he purposely misstated communication timelines and pretended that your lunch date was not pre-arranged? He certainly has bamboozled you.

He is betraying his wife, with your collusion. You two have been making a fool of her. You speak of your close bond, but he is not truly concerned about your well-being. He is a tease who uses you to boost and validate his ego.

In your previous thread from a few weeks ago, you called him insensitive. You said that although he must know how you feel, he nevertheless told you about his sex life with his ex. You were inwardly enraged and jealous, which is ironic since you have chosen to be a part of his current infidelity. I don’t see any sunshine or sparkles.

He uses ‘anti-cheating’ crowing as his cover while he manipulates you with secret calls, compliments, lingering eye contact, insightful conversation, and claims of never having been in love. He throws you off-balance by pushing you to declare your love and by telling you about his sexcapades. A narcissist knows how to keep his supply hooked. So far you have fallen for his con.

You are allowing yourself to be diminished by this toxic situation. You are sabotaging your life. Be smart. You can choose a healthier path and you can find happiness with someone who is truly available. However, you must first completely cut this cord. With determination, you can do it.

I would suggest that you seek the support of individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries, and learn positive coping strategies that will lead to empowerment.

bluebell34567 · 29/09/2019 09:03

This:
I would suggest that you seek the support of individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries, and learn positive coping strategies that will lead to empowerment.

bluebell34567 · 29/09/2019 09:04

also, do you have family, friends who give you love and support?

FatherFintanFay · 29/09/2019 09:12

I still don't think you're being honest with yourself. You say that if his wife left him for another man, you'd go out with him, but in reality he wouldn't need to be available for you to jump at the chance, would he? You wouldn't be fending him off in horror if he tried it on with you tomorrow. He would claim that he was so overcome with feelings for you that he had put aside his strong anti-cheating principles just for you, and you would be flattered and you'd feel like you'd been vindicated. He still wouldn't leave his wife, mind, and he would occasionally express how guilty he felt, just to keep you in your place and make you feel bad too, as indeed you should in that situation.

It's all so tediously and laughably predictable. And yet, I would bet my house that you would let it happen, and would STILL think he was fundamentally a good man who just couldn't help the way he felt. He was your boss, ffs. Can't you see how inappropriate the way he has behaved is?

Backtoschooool · 29/09/2019 09:24

That ‘lie’ is what he had prepared to say if he was caught with you ie ‘Oh we just bumped into each other.’ He had convinced himself.

Exactly what he does with the communication eg ‘we just send the odd text’ when you know it is more than that.

Howdoisortthis · 29/09/2019 09:48

He’s a narcissist and you’re his current supply. He’s toying with you and has done the same with women before you. You have actually evidence of that!!

I do understand how hard it is to accept this, men like him are very convincing, he sounds so similar to the guy I’m struggling with at the moment. To be honest even when I ask him about our friendship, he never gives a straight answer or he twists the version of reality- as yours is doing.. but please take the advice you’re getting loud and clear and walk away from this friendship.

Alwaysgrey · 29/09/2019 10:54

Wow he’s really done a number on you hasn’t he. Right now you’re stuck in the fog. Of course he is all the things you describe as that’s what he’s set out to be for you. He’s convinced you that in subtle ways that he’s stuck in his marriage and you make such a special couple. He can not feel guilty as nothing has happened but he’s given you just enough to feel like this. He’s stopping you meeting someone genuine. Someone you could really have a life with. He’s using you. And sadly because he’s done such a number on you you can’t feel it. All you see is a man who can only sparkle with you. You know you need to walk away. Great friendship or not he will hold you back. And he won’t ever leave his wife. You have my sympathy. He sounds like a complete dick. You’re not special or a one off he has form for this.

eddielizzard · 29/09/2019 11:38

The image he's presenting to you is not the real him. You have to fundamentally understand that. He is playing a game of be-in-love-with-me. Were he actually to become available, say his wife finally got fed up with his constant emotional betrayal, yes you could start dating him. And then one day you'd wake up and realise that you're dealing with the shit boring side of him, while he reserves his fantasy ideal man side for his next limerence.

I had a friend who was gay, but he wouldn't tell people he was gay. He liked to get very emotionally close to women, get them to fall in love with him, and then one day do the big reveal about how he's in a gay relationship. He'd then crow to me about how he got all these women to fall in love with him and how devastated they were that he wasn't available. He wasn't my friend for very long.

This man is not a good man, and the longer you spend obsessing over him, the less chance you have of actually meeting a decent man.

GilbertMarkham · 29/09/2019 13:06

*I think he tries to convince himself that we are more ‘casual’ friends than we are. Another example is, when we met up when it was just the two of us (daytime lunch), he called me to arrange it in advance. But that day he said to me something like, “isn’t it funny how we just bumped into each other today!”. I was so flabbergasted that I just smiled and nodded.

So what’s that all about? I think he has the same approach to texting, phoning, etc.*

This guy is delusional.
I actually wonder about his mental health/a personality disorder.

Do you not think you need to reassess your opinion of (and attraction to) him?

He's a bit batty.

Also doing all this while your boss makes it all.sonmuch worse - a bit predatory/unprofessional.

GilbertMarkham · 29/09/2019 13:07

I also agree with the posters above, they've nailed it.

MercyBookoo · 29/09/2019 13:35

I was going to say he’s a complete player but your last few posts suggest he’s actually delusional 🤨

Everafter1 · 29/09/2019 13:48

I agree it all seems worse he was your boss. That's probably where the element of him being able to call the shots comes into it.

How he's conducted himself is disgraceful.
If you had been hoodwinked into thinking he wasn't a married father & you hadn't met his wife several times I would feel awful for you.

The predicament you find yourself in is he's been completely honest about his marital status & he knows you're still game for it.

You have control in what you do in this situation. No one can help their feelings but we can control our actions. He's not forcing you to accept his advances.