Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

*vast

(I'm referring to male infidelity with non sex workers of course, there's also a great deal of infidelity in that realm that doesn't require the age-old lines, though even sex workers report men still using them, probably to make themselves feel better).

Op maybe interacting with him, because he's a good listener, he's very engaging, he's charismatic, whatever makes you feel good .. but it also makes you feel bad because you've caught feelings, developed an infatuation etc and he's not available. Hence the crying and post in here.

In addition to that mixed bag of feelings, and ultimately quite negative effect on you ... It's stopping you from searching for and being open to another relationship; which you need. Because I seriously doubt he's going to leave his marriage. You're going to have to warn yourself off him, away from your crush. You will feel like you're losing something but you are not. You're actually gaining a lot.

*wean yourself off him

You also need to lose the negative and defeatist belief that you won't find anyone who's a decent listener and can have good two way communication with you; it's a numbers game. Can you honestly say that you do everything, absolutely everything in life to try to meet someone (and change and expand your hobbies, activities etc if you're not meeting someone in your current circles)?

You could even consider a change if location, if your work allows it - even a secondment or something. A change of scene would help.to get out of the habit of thinking about this guy, and help you meet new people.

Another thing that might help is to acknowledge what this guy is really like - would you like to be his wife, given his behaviour towards another woman (you) and the previous examples? Would you like to have a partner (and a child with him for that matter) who was acting the way he has with you, saying the things he's said?

You think it would be different if he were with you, but would it really?

OP, he is using you to boost his ego with no thought for the emotional turmoil that his 'look at our amazing connection BUT we can never be togeeeeeeetherrrrr' schtick is causing you. A truly nice guy would never do this. These are the actions of a player. Even if he never makes a physical move, I bet he's a dab hand at intense gazes that last slightly too long, really insightful compliments etc etc.

He. Is. Using. You. Stop opening up to him, stop oversharing with him... You are giving him fuel every time you do this, and he's using that fuel to burn you. Don't be his ego boost.

100% if you did tell him how you feel, he would be moving on to another 'forbidden connection' and you would be a story he uses to reinforce to others how much of good guy he is. "I thought we were really good friends but she told me she loved me so I had to walk away"

Don't let him keep using you like he has been. Don't keep being a mug.

If you're still wondering "But why would he do that if he didn't genuinely like me?", well, you're helping him build up this image that he has of himself of the morally upstanding, dutiful family man who has multiple opportunities to cheat, but doesn't because he's just such a great guy. He will tell himself that he does nothing to encourage all these women so he has no idea why they keep falling for him - it must be because he's so attractive and nice, he guesses. He does keep telling them how much he hates cheating, but for some reason they think he might still be up for it - again, no idea why, he doesn't keep engaging them in intense, intimate conversations where they open up to him, or trying to get them to admit they love him. No, it's all a mystery, isn't it?

Caucho I don't agree that the OP has been treated like a passive victim here. She's been spoken to very harshly, not least by me. But I do think the blame lies more with this man than with her. A married man with a child has no business encouraging other women to fall for him, which is what he's been doing. The OP needs to stop with the romantic tragedy narrative and go and find her own man, but she has been led on and clearly hasn't got her ideas about him from nowhere.

I'm struggling to understand how you know each other inside out and have such a deep connection when you are never alone together?

@Caucho yeah me too. I think the majority of people have been understanding to Ops feelings but neither of them are an innocent party.

I read through OPs responses last night and I'll take at face value he was encouraging feelings from her. Other than that being said it's hard to gauge how much interest he's been showing. A lot of the details are a bit conflicting. He's not been shy in having his wife and Op acquainted.

I don't think it's as one sided as him trying to reel her in for an ego boost which has made her have feelings. They both seem to enjoy the attention they're getting from this relationship. I don't think he should be continuing the contact as he's married, it's a disgrace & there'll be another mumsnet thread from the perspective of the wife where her husband and his female friend have an inappropriate relationship.

Op doesn't want to let this go because it makes her feel good. OP you need to take some responsibility here for your part. That is selfish.

Sorry if this has been clarified, but to clarify the timeline. How long have you known him & was he married when you met? Your attraction for him has been the last 18 months, he was only giving the "love me vibes" for the first 3-4 months. What after? You believe it probably was an emotional affair at the beginning but now a friendship where you have genuine feelings for him. At what point did the possible EA end?

I know you say you think he's interested in you & wonder does he want to have an affair but doesn't want rejected? By the sounds of it, no.
The part that has stood out for me has been the upset you'd feel if he chose to have the affair with someone else. I doubt you'd not take him up on the chance.

OP you know what you should do. You should step away from the married man. What what you will do is another thing. I think you'll continue this until someone gets hurt because ultimately you want him. It will probably be his wife & child if this goes down the route you seem to be hoping for. What you'll go through will be a drop in the ocean compared to her.

I don’t think I was harsh but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and many still do here think she’s a poor victim deserving sympathy and he’s a baddie.

I do wonder if they’d still hold that view if she was hanging sloth like off their own partners. Yes I’m sure they’d blame there husband firstly but way also be comforting the poor innocent girl as well?

One thing for sure is she gives no fucks for his missus or kids (his own actions are irrelevant in the context of what I’m trying to say).

so you have opened up to him about everything - but you say you don't really know what he feels about you ? so this is not a real friendship then is it?

on your side it is definitely an emotional affair and disrespectful to his wife and child. Move on and make new friends .

Thanks. I have taken on board what everyone is saying, I really have. I appreciate the advice and different perspective on my situation.

I have taken on board what everyone is saying, I really have.

I'm glad you have op, it's quite serious & you need to really consider if you want to have involvement in jeopardizing a family. I don't think it's worth it.
You'll meet someone who is available but you need to be done with this first.

it's quite serious & you need to really consider if you want to have involvement in jeopardizing a family.

The thought of jeopardising his family will have zero bearing on her decision to stop.
I can assure you neither her, or anyone else in her position would give a fuck about the guy’s family. Maybe at the start, but not now she’s in love with him.

The only stakes high enough to make her stop are those that see her get even more hurt by continuing this friendship and jeopardise her future by wasting time on someone she can’t have.

I bet he's a dab hand at intense gazes that last slightly too long, really insightful compliments etc etc.
This is freakily accurate. Lots of prolonged eye contact (previously). Very insightful compliments that show he’s the first person to take a really deep interest in me. But it sounds like this may be fake now.

Sorry if this has been clarified, but to clarify the timeline. How long have you known him & was he married when you met?
I have known him about 2 years. Yes he was married when I met him.

Your attraction for him has been the last 18 months, he was only giving the "love me vibes" for the first 3-4 months. What after?
For the first 6 months we only knew each other in passing but there was an obvious attraction between us. Then for the next 6 months we became incredibly close. During the last 3-4 months of the 6 I felt he was very interested in me.
Then we stopped working at the same company and didn’t see each other every day anymore but in the first month we probably texted each other every other day, chatted on the phone once a week. That was almost a year ago and we still have regular contact but maybe once or twice a week now, not 3-4 times a week.
You believe it probably was an emotional affair at the beginning but now a friendship where you have genuine feelings for him. At what point did the possible EA end?
I think it ended around March/April. There was a shift in how we communicated. Whereas before he was a little flirty, he seemed to want to keep things ‘friendly’ and I fell in with the slightly different dynamic.

I'm struggling to understand how you know each other inside out and have such a deep connection when you are never alone together?
Because in the 6 months in which we were working closely together we had hours upon hours of chats. So we were alone together plenty of times until we stopped working together.

If you're still wondering "But why would he do that if he didn't genuinely like me?", well, you're helping him build up this image that he has of himself of the morally upstanding, dutiful family man who has multiple opportunities to cheat, but doesn't because he's just such a great guy. He will tell himself that he does nothing to encourage all these women so he has no idea why they keep falling for him - it must be because he's so attractive and nice, he guesses. He does keep telling them how much he hates cheating, but for some reason they think he might still be up for it - again, no idea why, he doesn't keep engaging them in intense, intimate conversations where they open up to him, or trying to get them to admit they love him. No, it's all a mystery, isn't it?
It makes so much sense when you put it like that.

He has told me a couple of times that he has never been in love before. Once he offered it up. Second time I asked him and he said he hasn’t.

We meet every 2-3 months. Always at his instigation. Always with another person present. However, one time we met for coffee alone and he was very jumpy and agitated.

jumpy and agitated because he was scared to be found out by his wife or possible new woman he might have met while your relationship starting to dissolve.
he is bad news. if he really wanted to be with you, he wouldnt be scared to be seen with you.
this man is a player. but it mustnt cause you lose your confidence. try to socialize more. youre still very young and now you are experienced.
gilbertgrahams posts are very good, very insightful.

Thank you. I think he was scared. I wasn’t sure if he was scared of his wife, me (I’m not a scary person!) or his own feelings.

Another thing that might help is to acknowledge what this guy is really like - would you like to be his wife, given his behaviour towards another woman (you) and the previous examples? Would you like to have a partner (and a child with him for that matter) who was acting the way he has with you, saying the things he's said? You think it would be different if he were with you, but would it really?
I tried to think about this today. There was a woman at work in the very early days of my friendship with him. He hadn’t been at the company particularly long so I don’t think he had a long history with her. However there was an awkwardness between them in the one time that I saw them in the same room. I don’t think anything had happened between them but there was certainly an atmosphere. Maybe they had fancied each other and it was awkward. Maybe she was an ex of his that he never mentioned to me.

Anyway, I tried to imagine what it would be like being his wife while he has a close friendship with this woman (which is very feasibly how it could be for me). So I was thinking about him having secret phone calls with her for an hour at a time while I’m at work. I was thinking about her telling him all kinds of intimate detail of her life, sex life, etc, that he’s just lapping up. I was imagining him receiving texts from her while we’re away or at the weekend and him making out it’s nothing. I’m thinking about looking after our child and he’s late home because he’s talking to her on his phone in the car.

When I look at it from his wife’s perspective I do see how awful it is. I do feel ashamed.

But he’s hooked me in very deeply.

And then of course in that same scenario above how bizarre it is that he introduces me to his new friend and wants us to meet up as a three, which we do. Yet me and his friend have nothing in common. But if I kick up a fuss I just look like a mad, jealous wife because they’re just friends. Even though I’m sure that if he had never met me he would be with her now. And I can’t ask him to stop being friends with her.

Yeah that's far too much contact for a married man op. He should never have been doing that & treating his wife that way.
I'm concerned most about his wife's feelings in this. His conscience has probably got the better of him & that's why he's backed off.
He can conduct himself how he sees fit, you have no control over that but you have control over yourself.
Please do not engage with him. You're fully aware he has a wife & child so you need to think how your actions will affect them.