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Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 29/09/2019 13:48

He was your boss? That makes his behaviour not just scummy and duplicitous but predatory.

Even if he were free why on earth would you want to be with such an excuse for a man?

Start to get your self respect back. Block him, and get on with your life. Difficult though it will be to start with it will be better without this chancer in it.

Egghead68 · 29/09/2019 14:24

Google narcissists.

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 14:30

"Even though I’m sure that if he had never met me he would be with her now. "

I had to pull the above out of what you said when you were imagining you were his wife in this scenario. You seem to have convinced yourself that he 100% would want to be with you if he hadn't met her and I just don't think that's true.

You need to listen to what @Everafter1 has said and stop living this ridiculous fantasy life that is stopping you having a real one of your own.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 29/09/2019 16:44

If I found out a woman was pining after my husband like this I would be seriously pissed off and would be asking my husband what exactly had gone on for these kind of feelings to develop and why he hastn't done anything to try to stop them developing further. I think you know deep down this man isn't for you, and that the opportunity simply isn't there. I really hope you meet someone whom you fall for properly and can enjoy a fulfilling relationship with, because honest to god, this guy sounds like a proper letchy bell end.

Everafter1 · 29/09/2019 19:04

OP I really hope you find someone who will make you feel good too. Someone who's not the type of fly person only looking out for themself, who isn't married & who is respectful. It will be a much more fulfilling relationship.
One thing I do feel bad about is the fact that he's making you feel special when in fact you're not being treated with much respect.

This one is with his wife because he wants to be. Even when these types get caught they spend the whole time chasing after the wife. It's offensive that he expects women to pander to him whenever he wants. Don't be that for him. I hope you move on & I hope his wife chucks him.

bluebell34567 · 29/09/2019 22:37

they may have another child. how would you feel then op?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 29/09/2019 23:39

they may have another child. how would you feel then op?
I know that they have sex so this is a real possibility. It hurts but having read through all of your comments I am beginning to feel a bit angry with him and I feel a bit duped.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 29/09/2019 23:41

You seem to have convinced yourself that he 100% would want to be with you if he hadn't met her and I just don't think that's true.
I think you might be right. I had presumed that he wanted to be with me but couldn’t. But now I’m questioning everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 29/09/2019 23:58

Do you have a history of going for unavailable men?
Not in the way that you mean. Emotionally unavailable? Yes. That’s a pattern for me. I think it’s because of two things:

  1. I’m not interested in having a man being far too into my business, controlling me, telling me what to do, etc. I suspect this is because I had an overly invested parent.
  2. I find men like this very attractive in a playing it cool, dignified kind of way.
OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:03

I have a mutual friend of my friend. He has some strong opinions about my friend. He thinks he’s a bit of a misogynist, wants to have his cake and eat it (getting home comforts from his wife and his excitement from me). He also thinks that my friend has really low self esteem and is really insecure although with me he comes across as supremely confident. When I said something about my friend being alpha male to our mutual friend he laughed his head off!

From what I have said, do you think he’s confident or is this whole thing about insecurity?

OP posts:
DotForShort · 30/09/2019 00:11

Please just stop obsessing about this unavailable man. He sounds insufferable, frankly. The fact that he was your boss while attempting to reel you in is appalling. He clearly has no ethical standards whatsoever.

What is your relationship history like? Have you had successful long-term relationships?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:14

I have had several long relationships: 18 months, 3 years, 12 years. And a few much briefer ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:18

He sounds insufferable, frankly. The fact that he was your boss while attempting to reel you in is appalling. He clearly has no ethical standards whatsoever.
Is there a possible scenario in which he’s a good man who fancied me but didn’t want to betray his wife yet he likes me and doesn’t want to give up on the friendship with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:19

Because presumably people can be married yet be attracted to other people outside of that marriage?

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 00:19

Emotionally unavailable? Yes.
Emotionally unavailable is a road to heartache.

I’m not interested in having a man being far too into my business, controlling me, telling me what to do, etc. I suspect this is because I had an overly invested parent.
Yeah, I doubt this is what anyone would want for a partner & not everyone is like that. Often though, cheats are. They suspect others are getting away with what they are so they become controlling.

I find men like this very attractive in a playing it cool, dignified kind of way.
Remember he's not playing it cool, he's married & he certainly doesn't appear dignified.

DotForShort · 30/09/2019 00:20

Then you know what’s what. Surely you’ve seen this sort of thing before? He is a walking cliche, I’m afraid, nothing original about his behaviour at all.

DotForShort · 30/09/2019 00:26

Of course a married person can be attracted to someone else. But honourable people do their best to resist such attraction.

Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 00:28

Is there a possible scenario in which he’s a good man who fancied me but didn’t want to betray his wife yet he likes me and doesn’t want to give up on the friendship with me?
No because if he had a shred of decency, couldn't help his feelings & didn't want to betray his wife there would be no friendship, no contact. Good men don't behave like that.

OP he doesn't want to leave his wife. She's top of the chain for him and all if his other "friends" are there to satisfy his cravings for attention when he needs it.

I wouldn't surprise me if he's ever got into trouble in the workplace for behaving the way he does.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:37

Remember he's not playing it cool, he's married & he certainly doesn't appear dignified.
Agreed. I was talking more about my exes. My friend has partly captured my attention because he’s a bit more interested than the usual guys I go for.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:38

Surely you’ve seen this sort of thing before? No. Not really. I guess I’m a bit naive in this respect. I try to treat people in a straightforward way and I presume that they are doing the same back.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:40

Of course a married person can be attracted to someone else. But honourable people do their best to resist such attraction.
If he was on here he would say that he has acted honourably because he never meets me alone and usually meets me with his wife. He would say how more open and honourable could he get?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:41

OP he doesn't want to leave his wife. She's top of the chain for him and all if his other "friends" are there to satisfy his cravings for attention when he needs it.
Even if they have less of a ‘connection’, less in common and less physical attraction?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 00:42

Do you think he has a new me at his new company?

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:01

He thinks he’s a bit of a misogynist, wants to have his cake and eat it
I would agree & that's came from someone who knows him. I would also agree that he has low self esteem. He's using you & the others for validation. Cheating usually comes from an insecurity.

Even if they have less of a ‘connection’, less in common and less physical attraction?
This an assumption from the information he wants you to believe. They'll have plenty in common, they live together & have a child. Their day to day lives will mirror each other, that's beyond the things that drew them together as a couple.
You know they have sex - they have physical attraction. He brings her along to meet you..he wants to be with her.

My friend has partly captured my attention because he’s a bit more interested than the usual guys I go for.
He has you fooled.

Do you think he has a new me at his new company?
If he can find a willing participant. He probably has multiple "you" in a few companies & I'm not meaning that as a negative comment to you, I mean that as in this is how his type conduct themselves.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:09

They'll have plenty in common, they live together & have a child. Their day to day lives will mirror each other, that's beyond the things that drew them together as a couple. You know they have sex - they have physical attraction. He brings her along to meet you..he wants to be with her.
He told me that he asked her out because she ticked the right boxes. There was an initial attraction but he said it was a rational decision.
He told me that he has sex with her if he’s lying next to her and happens to feel horny. I got the impression that she could be anyone.
I think he brings her along to meet me because she insists upon it. Plus he doesn’t want to get into ‘trouble’.
One time we were going to meet alone but he decided against it because he said she would make ‘his life hell’ over it.

OP posts: