Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

Back on meeting someone who talks with you, rather than at you; I quite honestly can say that, having known quite a lot of men (not all in the biblical sense!) .. the majority, certainly over half have been dec not listeners and did not make me feel unheard in any way.

I genuinely think you need to meet way more people, expand your social and dating circles etc. and get out of this mindset that you wint/can't meet a man who's a good listener & good two way conversationalist.

*decent listeners

It hurt a lot as well.

If you've been the guy in this situation, including the wife and child, i imagine it would've hurt your wife a lot more.

But did you have several women in the same situation over the course of the years, and encourage them to declare their feelings for you?
I don’t think the two other women were anything like what he has with me. The first one I reckon he flirted with her but she left the company and then asked him out. He said no because he had a girlfriend. She then continued to contact him. The second one was much more short lived - the saucy card. I think she was just after a bit of fun. He never acknowledged it and I don’t think they ever spoke again.

he has even pressed me on occasions to declare myself. I don’t know why. For the ego boost of being the object of someone’s affections presumably.

He's not nice. Not remotely nice.

I don’t think the two other women were anything like what he has with me.

OP, I'm going to say sorry in advance for being so blunt as I know you're obsessing & hurt over him but this is a married man who you have not had a romantic relationship with. How about he doesn't have with any of you what he has with his wife? He's not the one who got away, he's the one who is already with someone.

The first one I reckon he flirted with her but she left the company and then asked him out. He said no because he had a girlfriend.
This is basically you & him except she made a move. He leads on then washes his hands.

What would you do if he wanted to take things with you further? Truthfully?
You said you'd be heartbroken if he cheated on his wife with another one of his "friends". That seems ludacris. Does his wife mean nothing? She's the one who'll be heartbroken if he cheats, her life will change & she has their child to think about.

There's so much disregard for his family here OP.

@Everafter1 I couldn’t agree more with you.

The op is basically the OW that all married women hope doesn't exist - the OW who believes that a man married to someone else is their true soulmate, that they ought to be together and it's a tragedy that they can't, that she, not his wife, is the only one who really understands and loves him, and that he actually really does feel the same way but is only staying with his wife out of duty. If he did offer himself up to you, you'd not give his family a second thought or wonder what it said about his decency and goodness. At least admit that.

If you're such terrific friends, OP, why can't you confront the issue with him? I would be wanting to know why he's flirting with me, leading me on, encouraging me to declare myself to him, if he isn't romantically interested in me. If he tried to deny it or started the whole "You've got the wrong idea, I would never leave my wife" script, that should tell you something about his motivation.

I don’t think the two other women were anything like what he has with me. The first one I reckon he flirted with her but she left the company and then asked him out. He said no because he had a girlfriend. She then continued to contact him. The second one was much more short lived - the saucy card. I think she was just after a bit of fun. He never acknowledged it and I don’t think they ever spoke again.

The second woman clearly thought he was flirting with her and possibly open to something.

The first woman .. interesting how he was able to find the time and opportunity to flirt with ger, but bit the time & opportunity to mention his partner. I find when you e got a partner, it's actually quite difficult not to mention them; they crop up naturally in conversation when you talk about your evening, your weekend, your holidays, your life circumstances, your experiences etc etc. Yet he didn't, which seems almost deliberate. The second woman also thought he was single (yes, she had much much less contact with him by the sounds of it but nonetheless I've known many people to mention their partner even in short, superficial conversations.

I suppose being clear that he's not single and that there's no (legitimate) potential for anything romantic with women means he wouldn't get the same engagement, ego massage and gratification until such times as he's forced to confirm he's not single. Like he was when he received woman 2's card (no response was his confirmation that he wasn't single or interested) and until woman 1 asked him out.

What's also significant is that you say he told woman 1 that he had a partner when she asked him out after leaving the company, and you believe (?) him that he gave her absolutely no encouragement after that .. yet he says she persisted in contacting him up to two years after that (!!)

Of course she may be stalkery - but it seems really unlikely to me that she would do that with zero contact, encouragement, reciprocation etc. It sounds more like he kept in contact with her, keep engaging with her romantically, perhaps implied he was not happy & in love with his wife, as he had implied to you .. and only cut it off when she became a problem because she was drunk calling him at night etc.

This is v long but the point I'm making is that you say he didn't have anything with the previous women like he has with you, but actually I think he had something v similar with woman 1 . You just haven't caused him a problem at home yet and have stayed in your box so you're being kept in contact with.

I agree with other posters. You must tell him how you feel, ask if you two have a future together. I’m almost certain that he will tell you you’re just a friend and that he has no idea why you would think anything else. I speak from experience here!

As the poster above says - it’s different with you so far, you’ve stayed in your box, you’re like a snack to him. It sounds harsh but it’s the only way you’ll move on.

When I declared my feelings, to my “friend” I got the sorry we’re just friends response and although it hurt and I felt stupid, it was pretty much the only thing that has helped me move on - albeit slowly - I am getting there.

You’re so young, you could easily meet a really lovely guy. Or just enjoy being single and having fun.

Please have a really honest conversation with him.

Start dating. It'll be hard at first but not will this be a distraction also it'll be interesting to see his response.

Oh my goodness op. I’m going to sound harsh now but what the bloody hell are you on about, nothing like what he has with you?? He has nothing with you. He’s making an absolute mug of you and you’re making it so easy for him. Stop thinking this is special, it’s not. He’s married to someone else, and is a serial cheat/disloyal bastard. Romeo and Juliet, it ain’t.

"You must tell him how you feel, ask if you two have a future together. "

Do not do this!!!

@Wheelson He’ll almost certainly say no and then she can move on.
At the moment it’s the uncertainty and dreams of some kind of future together that keeps her hanging on.

I know that if I told him how I feel he would back off and make out like this is all one sided, which I don’t believe it is. I think he has had a part to play in all of this. So I’m not going to tell him because there’s no point. I know him well enough to know he would definitely react in that way.

However, I don’t seem to be able to turn my feelings off.

I’m getting fed up with people treating the OP as a victim and validating that belief. Firstly let’s all agree this bloke is a bell end. But she’s not being conned. She knows exactly what he is like but seems to get off on it.

She’s not the lickle ickle woman being treated monstrously by the nasty man. This type of shit thinking does women a disservice like they have no agency and indeed are the weaker sex. She knows and has known for ages what to do but she won’t.

"I know that if I told him how I feel he would back off and make out like this is all one sided, which I don’t believe it is. I think he has had a part to play in all of this. So I’m not going to tell him because there’s no point. I know him well enough to know he would definitely react in that way. "

Sorry but this is pathetic. I don't think you should ask him if you have a future together in so many words but @Howdoisortthis does have a point and I don't think you want to do this because you want to hold on to your little fantasy.

There is a point if it helps you move on and he reveals his true colours.

You’ve admitted you’re unhappy and crying over him. Life will go on, he might have more children - how will you feel stuck in limbo. Move on, he sounds very manipulative.

If you can’t turn your feeling off then stop seeing him! You know he’s married, you know he has kids. You even know others have went through the same process where after reeling them in says no couldn’t possibly - I’m married. He’s taking the piss and probably just likes the ego boost and attention. He might not even fancy you or any of the others.

But you know all this and come out with garbage how you can’t not contact him cos it makes you ‘feel good’. Really? You don’t seem good right now.

The bloke sounds like a tool but you don’t deserve a great deal of the sympathy you’re getting. What would even be your goal? An affair? Or just he dumps the kids and wife for you? Sounds very selfish. More selfish than him even who at least knows where to stop. Or maybe he does cheat but with a different special group he actually wants to cheat with

No one is suggesting you turn your feelings off.

We’re simply suggesting you behave with some self-respect and stop trying to urge a manipulative prick to betray his wife and child.

I do empathise OP - I am in a very similar situation. Unfortunately for me, I have to see the object of my affections every day as we work together.
When you're in the thralls of attraction/love/lust these feeling are so very addictive and blinding. I think it can make you very selfish, and in the moment all you care about is yourself and them.
No one else comes into it.
I think a head wobble is needed here (I speak to myself also).
You need to take steps to distance yourself. Yes it will hurt, but it will save yourself (and potentially others) further heartache.
You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him anything, nor does he owe you.
If you really think he won't accept it without an explanation, then own your stuff - say you are struggling with the friendship due to your feelings. And that for the meantime, at least you need to distance yourself.
I haven't needed to say this myself yet, but I can say that I'm pretty sure I would get the same reaction you expect, if you were ever to declare anything.

It seems you are enjoying this feeling of hopeless futility. It's a fantasy, op, and it's doing you no favours. Stop.

@Caucho I completely agree. It is selfish & I don't think either one is any better.

OP I think you're looking for permission to continue this, which is why you didn't initially mention he was married with a child.

He gave you signals he was interested. He encouraged feelings then backed off. If he has genuinely been doing that it's beyond wrong, why are you getting involved in this with a married man? Was it all coming from him & you weren't showing interest?

He makes a point of saying he's anti cheating & he ensures he's never left alone with you. He hates cheating with a passion. Could this be him making sure you're not getting the wrong end of the stick rather than because he doesn't trust himself around you?

You say it was one sided contact with other women for years & he hasn't had with them what he has with you. That doesn't happen. You've also said you'll be heartbroken if he cheats with someone else.

You think his wife knows there's something not quite right going on & that's why she came along with him to meet you. Was it difficult facing her? Must've been awkward. Or maybe he asked her to come along so it didn't get weird just the 2 of you.

You say you don't want him to leave his wife but also that you want to be with him. He has to leave her for that to happen. I think you do want him to leave her. You believe yourself to be his type because you look like his wife.

You're wondering if having him in your life as a friend will be enough. It won't because you want more, you're already 10 steps ahead of friendship.

You've waited 20 years for a man to have a proper conversation with you, op you're in your 30s. Definitely young enough to meet plenty more men but old enough to know hoping for something to happen with a married man is wrong.

I thought I was going mad EverAfter. I’d probably still have limited support if he spun a yarn (given she knows his relationship status upfront) but from what’s written he hasn’t even attempted to do that.

There’s no indication at all that he’s interested and if past form is anything to go by has rejected any advances. I’m not excusing him as has definitely seemed to have deliberately engineered these situations but have already skewered him already for it.

The victims however are not victims. They’re not forced to engaged firstly. But secondly are not unaware of the truth. Not only has he not made promises the OP is aware of at least two similar situations but discounts them on the basis they are more special.

Is he really driving this or is she deluded? And if he is ramping it there is form to suggest it’s not sincere anyway. You’ll never find a real partner pining for someone else. You’d be a red flag on here from a dating perspective

She knows exactly what he is like but seems to get off on it.

I don't actually agree. Op has had, until she's been exposed to much more critical, skeptical opinions on his behaviour, a very high opinion of this bloke. She has believed his PR. Yes that's a bit naive but most of us have been naive at one time or another.

His behaviour has been off for an attached, then married man - one could say that the card and come on from one woman was just a case of a woman not knowing a man more than superficially, his relationship status not coming up, thinking he was attractive & nice, and deciding to go for it (though I actually think he was a bit more culpable than that die to his other behaviour) .... But he other woman .. he clearly reels women in and strings them along. Yes, in an ideal world, every woman would instantly recognise his behaviour for what it is, be super cynical & skeptical, not have any vulnerability etc. But that world doesn't exist.

The cast majority of male infidelity wouldn't happen if we lived in that world, and this behaviour (and the "good guy" trapped in a marriage due to a, b and c narrative) didn't work v well.

So I do think op genuinely is s victim to sone extent, however she should stop being one and it's in her power, and only her power, to do so.