Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

this thread can be an amazing learning curve for anyone in your condition. there are very good input here from amazing posters.

in your situation.

this thread can be an amazing learning curve for anyone in your situation
I agree. It has been hugely helpful for me.

Why would you want the hassle of dating a married man?
I have no intention of doing that.

The puppet master insisted that you spend time with his wife because he wanted to experience the buzz of his triangulation. He must have gotten quite a power fix sitting like the cock-of-the-walk with his two adoring women. In this mind game he could toy with you both simultaneously.

What a betrayal of his wife. Little did she know that she was sitting with his emotional affair partner who is in love with him. The OW with whom he has shared lingering gazes, deep conversations, and secret calls and texts. The OW who is willing to hear him degrade his wife by calling her a convenient body to have sex with and a rational marriage choice. The OW who believes that she has the deeper connection and stronger attraction with him.

Strong-armed you? You chose to walk in and you have chosen to return. Isn’t it time to stop demeaning yourself?

@MsDogLady

I wonder if this man is very attractive? I believe that these kind of men have been spoiled by their mothers and made to feel special and superior to women. I have a little grandson and he is really cute and I have noticed how his family spoil him and give him loads of stuff especially his mother and I'm afraid I do as well. I did try to bring up my son to be respectful to women and I think he is but some men think women are there to be either their sex slaves or to wait on them hand and foot.

You talk about his wife in quite a negative way to what appears to justify this situation.

You say that she isn't as high powered as his previous gf. That reads as if you think he's gone for a lower standard.

He lays next to her in bed , feels horny so has sex with her. This implies that you feel he feels horny but not about her but uses her as an outlet.

She is very quiet when you meet her but you believe she is much more vocal or stronger at home. This implies she's manipulative not him.

You do recognise she's worried as you said she came with him to meet you even though she was ill. How sad you both have brought her to that level.

You've implied that he is only with her because he's loyal and because of his child. This implies he doesn't actually love her it's about how he appears to people.

How do you know all this. Because that's what he's told you. You dont know it first hand. You have no actual idea about the affection they have or haven't got between them. How their time together actually is. You only know what he's told you and how you want to see it.

You have had long chats on the phone when she is out. Why ? If its all just friendship why not have these of an evening when she's there. Why not go on speaker and talk together if you're just friends.

Would you be happy for him to have your relationship with another woman if you were with him.

The info about his wife has been dripped through the thread. Often the ow / OM justifies what's happening by feeling home life isn't great etc.

If he cared and respected his wife he wouldn't do this. If he cared and respected you he wouldn't do this either.

I don't know how old you are, OP, but if you are an adult you need to work on your emotional and personal development, and get well away from this guy. This infatuation, which is what it is, is completely one-sided, if somewhat encouraged by a dickish other party, and reminds me of feelings I'd stopped having, or at least recognised for what they were and their limitations, by my early 20s.

I really hope that one day you'll meet someone who loves you for you, just the way you are. It will throw into sharp focus just how pointless the feelings were and how ridiculous you were being about this guy. But first you need to look to yourself and what you want from life (a life without him in it).

For what it’s worth, I think he was attracted to me too. We worked together and the first weekend that we were thrown together on a project was fairly intense. It was like we were completely enraptured by each other. We had so much in common. Perhaps it was that vain thing of falling for your own reflection. So he gave me a lot of signals that he was interested in me but never vocalised it.

Are you sure he's not just 'blessed' with a bucketload of charm OP?

Some people have a way of making the person they are with feel like the most important person in the world. They tune into common interests effortlessly and bewitch them.

I've known a few people like this. They're lovely and great company but they have many many friends who they treat with the same amount of charm and maybe a partner too. They just love to be loved.

Get on with your own life. He already has his.

I will take a look at triangulation.

I wonder if this man is very attractive?
I think he’s handsome but he’s not particularly conventionally good looking.

You talk about his wife in quite a negative way to what appears to justify this situation.
That wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to give more information and context.

You say that she isn't as high powered as his previous gf. That reads as if you think he's gone for a lower standard.
Not a lower standard but a different personality type.

He lays next to her in bed, feels horny so has sex with her. This implies that you feel he feels horny but not about her but uses her as an outlet.
Well this is what he said to me.

She is very quiet when you meet her but you believe she is much more vocal or stronger at home. This implies she's manipulative not him.
I don’t think she’s manipulative. I was acknowledging that the quiet person I see in public is probably quite different at home. I partially said this because he seems scared to upset her. Not because he doesn’t want to hurt her but because of the repercussions on him as she ‘makes his life hell’.

You do recognise she's worried as you said she came with him to meet you even though she was ill. How sad you both have brought her to that level.
I agree.

You've implied that he is only with her because he's loyal and because of his child. This implies he doesn't actually love her it's about how he appears to people.
He tells me that family is important, reputation is important, not getting divorced is important for the children. He never talks about her fondly as if the reason he is staying is because he loves her. In fact he says he’s never been in love so he is giving me a certain impression.

You have had long chats on the phone when she is out. Why ? If its all just friendship why not have these of an evening when she's there. Why not go on speaker and talk together if you're just friends.
I completely agree. I feel like his secret even though we have never verbalised that we have anything more than a normal friendship.

Are you sure he's not just 'blessed' with a bucketload of charm OP?
Well he’s a great conversationalist but I wouldn’t say he’s particularly charming. I did go out with someone like this once and felt like the only person in the room. He’s not like that.
If this were just friendly charm then what about the other signs. The level of contact, the emotional manipulation (as pointed out on here) and the content of the conversations. I’m not sure. I’m perfectly willing to accept that he has zero feelings for me but I don’t think that this is a normal friendship with a charming man.

"she ‘makes his life hell’"

How ironic.

She's not the one who's had another man texting and calling their home at all hours, and who has another man she calls for long chats when he's out and who's crying about her in bed at night.

Men who flirt and cheat always portray the wife as a horrible nag, battle axe, and stone around their neck.

If it's so bad and they have integrity, then leave and be an excellent dad to their child as a separated/divorced man .. after all they have do much integrity; but instead they have affairs and emotional affairs and act with the least integrity possible.

They won't leave (unless kicked out) because the reality is it's not that bad, she's not that bad, they don't want to break up their familiar, secure family scene, they don't want to deal with the financial repurcussions and at the end of the day they actually don't want to break up; they just want extra, on the side that she, of course, would not be allowed.

Oh and if making his life hell is referring to her unhappiness at his inappropriate level of contact (and the nature of that contact) with his "admirers" ... She's obviously completely justified.

I suppose he thinks she should be a good girl and make no objection to.him essentially carrying on emotional affairs under her nose, she she's presumably the main carer or their child.

Would he be all chilled & happy if she was texting another man fairly constantly, making long calls to him when he's out, telling him completely inappropriate things derogatory to their marriage like that she'd never been in love (indicating she has not been in love with and does not love him), that he was a pragmatic choice, that she only had sex with him because they're lying in bed together and she's a bit horny (essentially that any dick would do), meeting men for lunch when they've already had a man she knows drunk calling and texting her at all hours etc etc. Let's face it, of he shared even the last fact with friends, they be telling him he was probably a cuckold and to stop being a door mat.

I'm sure he'd be delighted and would have no problem with any of that.

She's not the one who's had another man texting and calling their home at all hours
I think you’re talking about the other woman but just in case you mean me, I never call him. It’s always him who phones me (when she’s not there).

They won't leave (unless kicked out) because the reality is it's not that bad, she's not that bad, they don't want to break up their familiar, secure family scene, they don't want to deal with the financial repurcussions and at the end of the day they actually don't want to break up; they just want extra, on the side that she, of course, would not be allowed.
I agree. He would never leave. In fact he never complains about his life at all. The things that we would interpret as negative (perfunctory sex, not being in love) he doesn’t seem fussed about.

she's presumably the main carer or their child. Yes

JustWonderful You’re right.

What everyone's getting at here OP is take what he tells you with a pinch of salt.

He has an ulterior motive, so it's in his interest to create the illusion of a bad marriage where he's the good, reliable, honest man. Yet every action screams he's the opposite. It's strange how this bad marriage doesn't have any real problems though doesn't it? Nothing has said holds any real ground. They're easy fake non issues to come up with. He's selling you an idea so he can continue the attention he requires. The only thing wrong with his marriage is him.

His wife will 'give him hell' for meeting up with a woman who wants him behind her back? This is deemed bad? What an entitled brat, should it be any other way? She's no doormat.

If you didn't have a fancy for him you wouldn't be falling for this nonsense.

@rosedream has articulated it very well & in a very concise way.

You've answered a lot of your own questions & the more you say, the clearer it is you've been gullible.

I think you’re talking about the other woman but just in case you mean me, I never call him. It’s always him who phones me (when she’s not there).

Yes I was referring to the previous woman. She's had to deal with that already, perhaps that's why she wanted to come along to your meetups (if it was her who insisted on that) - to ensure you know about her, see him as an attached man etc since clearly the last woman didn't have much consideration in that respect (all on her own, with absolutely no encouragement from him if course ).

*of course

Maybe shell get sick of having to monitor and patrol the boundaries with his "admirers" eventually and see him for what he is, but in the meantime she's invested (esp with a young child).