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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
NoTheresa · 30/09/2019 17:40

You are just loving discussing him. It’s immature and unworthy.

JoObrien7 · 30/09/2019 17:55

The funny thing is that he doesn’t come across like that at all. He seems a little inexperienced. I think only the women that he is emotionally seducing are aware of him in that way from prolonged eye contact etc. I think in general he comes across as a normal bloke.

He doesn't sound inexperienced to me! He sounds like he plays a lot women by pretending to be innocent ... what a load of twaddle! He is probably stringing lots of women along with his pretendy I am a normal bloke act - he certainly has you fooled. What does his wife think about you and the rest of the harem?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 18:05

What does his wife think about you and the rest of the harem?
I don’t know of any other women on the go at the moment!
He tells me that she likes me.
I did tell him that I didn’t want to meet up as a three from the beginning but he was pretty insistent.

OP posts:
JoObrien7 · 30/09/2019 18:06

@DarkHorseRider

a three? What does that mean? They aren't swingers are they?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 18:08

I mean he likes us to meet for lunch with his wife rather than just the two of us alone. They’re not swingers.

OP posts:
JoObrien7 · 30/09/2019 18:11

@DarkHorseRider

That is how it can start they may be sounding you out. I wouldn't want to meet my husband for lunch with his work colleagues - it is bad enough having to mix with them at the Christmas party every year.

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 18:15

Creepier and creepier. A harem. I have seen this before with a particular type of controlling/abusive man. Holding court with at least two, often more women. Usually at a table! Often not having a physical relationship with anyone other than his partner but loving the dynamic.

Please get out of this.

Backtoschooool · 30/09/2019 18:43

I think it’s very odd that you have such feelings for him but you always meet up ‘as a three’ with his wife.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 30/09/2019 19:51

OP, the more you continue to have this contact with him, the more unfair you are being to his wife. You can't change his behaviour, but you can change yours.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 19:51

I never wanted to meet his wife but he strong armed me into it. There was a good 9 months of close friendship before the wife was brought along. I resisted heavily but couldn’t refuse to meet her without having to admit my feelings, which I didn’t want to do.

This definitely isn’t a sexual thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 19:54

You can't change his behaviour, but you can change yours.
You’re right.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 20:00

The thing is, in the earlier days the benefits of the friendship far outweighed the negatives: he was a huge emotional support, great fun, lots of nice times together. But now he’s throwing smaller and smaller scraps and has even started negging me. So now it’s not really worth it anymore. I have seriously reevaluated the friendship.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 20:04

It isn't a friendship. He is not your friend.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 20:11

Well he was my friend. He has been very supportive through some very difficult times that I had at work and with a couple of sick relatives.

OP posts:
rosevalentine · 30/09/2019 20:15

You're not listening to anyone.

You were never friends. He's groomed you from day one... you are nothing more than an ego boost for him.

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 20:34

No. He was not and is not a friend. Friends don't behave this way. He has been reeling you in. Deliberately.

FatherFintanFay · 30/09/2019 20:37

Friends don't hurt each other. Or if they do so inadvertently, they apologise and stop doing the hurtful thing. They don't cause each other pain on purpose.

gamerchick · 30/09/2019 20:41

Man, he's played you like a reet kipper OP. You're an ego boost that's all lass. There is a chance he isn't doing it consciously, it just gives him the nice feels. Like his showing a massive amount of interest in you taps into your oxytocin and that makes you feel good also.

The only way to ditch this shit is to go no contact. If you really don't want to cut him off then stop meeting him. Open yourself up to finding someone else to focus on instead of the safe option where it can all be in your head.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 20:49

I actually feel totally bored of the whole thing! Thank you Mumsnetters.

I know that some of you think that I have behaved badly, feeling this way about a married man, and that’s totally understandable. However, I really appreciate those who have helped me see that he isn’t innocent in all this and he’s culpable in some way. I was blaming myself for being such a fool but you’ve helped me realise that he is partly responsible.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 20:51

He's groomed you from day one... you are nothing more than an ego boost for him.
I truly don’t understand why someone would want to do that. It is so far removed from how I would ever behave.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 20:56

Google the Freedom Programme. I recommend it to all girls and women.

FatherFintanFay · 30/09/2019 21:00

You may never understand. And you don't need to. Some people just do some weird shit. You can't do anything about that, but you can choose not to be complicit in it.

JoObrien7 · 30/09/2019 21:26

@DarkHorseRider

Why would you want the hassle of dating a married man? You will have to deal with his ex wife for rest of your life and what about his child? The child will always come first before you and any children you go on to have. I wouldn't want to be involved with a married man and I was temped 10 years ago .. but I realized he wasn't really into me it was just a game to him and guess what his wife has now left him because she was fed up of his womanizing and him visiting lap dancing clubs and prostitutes and not mention the porn on his puter. Sorry if I have started to rant but I HATE men who cheat on their wives.

NoTheresa · 30/09/2019 21:29

You're not listening to anyone.

^

bluebell34567 · 30/09/2019 22:08

I truly don’t understand why someone would want to do that.
some people are just sick thats why they do that.