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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
JoObrien7 · 30/09/2019 11:56

@DarkHorseRider

This man sounds like he has a massive ego .. I feel sorry for his wife. I have worked with men like him before and their wives know what they are like "a ladies man" and ignore their behavior. You need to stop encouraging him because you are stroking his ego and he has no intention of leaving his wife for you. There are plenty of single men about go and look for one of them because you won't be having a relationship with this man. I wish his wife would read him the riot act because I wouldn't let my husband flirt with other women while he was married to me.

TheStoic · 30/09/2019 12:01

You will get over him, and you’ll look back and wonder how you could ever have felt so strongly about such an ordinary man.

Don’t push it. That will only make you panic and resist. You’ll get there in your own time. Just do one thing today that is a step in the right direction.

Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 12:05

OP you're missing the bigger picture & I know it's harder when you're in it. I doubt he doesn't know already.
This isn't about only of you tell him you lose any dignity. I'm afraid you're already down the losing road with it as you have an inappropriate relationship with a married man. Doesn't that already make you feel degraded that he has that place for you?

I agree with Father. Blocking him isn't the same as telling him how you feel. It does the opposite (& I'm telling you, he knows!!) You need to block him because I don't think you have the will power if there's a way of contacting.
You need to put a stop to this. This is a one sided relationship in the way that you get nothing. Who would be strung along for 2 years with absolutely no outcome? Can you not see how bad this all is?

He's not leaving his wife because he doesn't want to. If somehow he did & he started a relationship with you, you'd be a paranoid wreck. You've been the OW so you'd know every tell tale sign that he has one (& he will) you'd be worried about him going to work etc because this is the easy place for him to start the affairs.

Come on, wake up. You shouldn't have let it get to this stage anyway because he's married. There's no excuse now.

Everyone on here can't be wrong.

Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 12:11

Also, to be with him you'd have to have a relationship with his child (their child) do you think for a second that's going to go down well with his wife? The child might never take to you.
OP this is lose lose, it's a mess.

Wheelson · 30/09/2019 14:40

"If he’s insecure with low self-esteem then he’s probably not 100% sure of how I feel."

He's not insecure with low self esteem. He's an idiot.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 14:58

Blocking a person is a statement of your low opinion of them, at least in my view.
I have never blocked someone before but I would interpret it as ‘communicating with you is difficult/painful for me’. And I don’t want him to realise that.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:00

In any case, he obviously knows how you feel already. Unless you're one hell of an actor, the gushing way in which you've spoken about him here suggests that you would have found it hard to keep that under control in his presence.
I think I probably am quite a good actor but then he did call me ‘an admirer’ of his once so presumably he does know.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:02

I have worked with men like him before and their wives know what they are like "a ladies man" and ignore their behavior.
The funny thing is that he doesn’t come across like that at all. He seems a little inexperienced. I think only the women that he is emotionally seducing are aware of him in that way from prolonged eye contact etc. I think in general he comes across as a normal bloke.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:04

You will get over him, and you’ll look back and wonder how you could ever have felt so strongly about such an ordinary man.
I can totally imagine that day but it feels like a long journey to get there.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:06

Don’t push it. That will only make you panic and resist. You’ll get there in your own time. Just do one thing today that is a step in the right direction.
I’m beginning to accumulate things that he doesn’t know about: a holiday, a new hobby. I’m going to keep these things to myself and any new things to myself until I have a whole life that he isn’t part of. At the moment he knows EVERYTHING, which is admittedly my fault for oversharing with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:07

He's not leaving his wife because he doesn't want to. If somehow he did & he started a relationship with you, you'd be a paranoid wreck. You've been the OW so you'd know every tell tale sign that he has one (& he will) you'd be worried about him going to work etc because this is the easy place for him to start the affairs.
Yes, you’re right.

OP posts:
FatherFintanFay · 30/09/2019 15:18

STOP CARING WHAT HE THINKS OF YOU!

Sorry to shout, but this is a man you've poured your heart out to and told practically everything to. What the hell does it matter what he thinks about you blocking him? If someone blocked me, I'd think they were pissed off with me, not that they were secretly in love with me and found it too painful to be friends any more. That's what normal people would think. He's not normal, so who knows how he might interpret, but I repeat - it doesn't bloody matter!

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:24

Well I do care what he thinks about me. I can change my actions and behaviour but I can’t just switch my feelings off even though he doesn’t deserve them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:25

I can work on changing my feelings but they haven’t disappeared today.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 15:27

If someone blocked me, I'd think they were pissed off with me, not that they were secretly in love with me and found it too painful to be friends any more.
I can see that but the last time we spoke things were perfectly amicable. Blocking him wouldn’t make sense. We also work in a niche field so our paths are likely to cross again. I don’t like the idea of having that kind of awkwardness lurking over me.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 30/09/2019 15:54

I agree this man is a class manipulater.

He is well aware you like him and couldn't care less he is leading you on.

What worked for me in the past when I cried over someone was ask myself if they were also crying over me. If the answer was no, then it was a case of move on, pronto.

Plenty of other men out there. Start being open to the idea of meeting someone that will be available to you. Take care.

FatherFintanFay · 30/09/2019 15:56

Well then, your choices are to a) back off and don't immediately respond to his messages, say you're busy when he asks to meet (and actually be busy doing your own stuff), give brief, civil answers when it seems to be warranted, and keep things professional and distant when you have to see him for work, or b) carry on as you are. I think if you can choose a) you might want to kick things off by not contacting him at all for several weeks so you can try to reduce the amount of headspace he seems to be occupying. The less you see or hear from him, the easier it will be.

I had a horrible unrequited crush on a work colleague once. He was engaged to someone else and wasn't interested in me at all, but he liked me as a friend and was kind and polite, and in my eagerness to look for signs where none existed I convinced myself that he wanted to be with me really. If he had been flirty and intense with me, like this guy is with you, I imagine it would have been even worse.

The only thing that helped was when he got transferred out of the area and I stopped seeing him all day at work. If that hadn't happened, I'm sure I would have made an even bigger fool of myself than I already did. And I am under no illusions about how I came across - I thought I had managed to hide it, but when he left, several other colleagues commented on how I must be missing him, and how they'd noticed that I liked him. I felt like such a twat, tbh. Not professional and not grown up!

Once he was gone, though, I found it remarkably easy to move on and get over him. I could see, with a bit of distance, that I'd twisted things to suit myself, and that it was better that he was out of my life because frankly I was too embarrassed to stay in touch with him even as a friend.

Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.

Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 16:01

People walk away from different types of relationships all the time & for different reasons.

Your feelings aren't going to change over night. It'll take time & it won't be a walk in the park but one things for sure this needs to stop. 2 years for a man you haven't even kissed? What a waste.

If you don't block him you'll still need to ignore for your feelings to change. Blocking will just make it easier to carry out.
The more you do it, the easier it'll become.

You give him far too much credit, so much so you overlook his family. I don't know how you can even stand this man at all. I'd see him as cheap and pathetic.

Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 16:02

Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.

Out of sight, out of mind!

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 16:21

You can't switch off your feelings. No. But blocking him will help you start to change them. Believe me once he stops occupying so much headspace you'll start to see things differently. If you meet fair enough be polite.

You have asked for advice and support but are rejecting it all. I suspect because you don't want to end the relationship such as it is. Fair enough. Pointless to post then. Just continue wasting more years of your life on this waster. Instead of enjoying a better life without him, and perhaps with someone who you could be happy with.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 30/09/2019 16:25

Op, regardless of his intentions, his motives, how you feel or how he feels, the fact is he is MARRIED and you are a part of an inappropriate relationship outside of a marriage. With the greatest of respects how you feel is irrelevant, how he makes you feel is irrelevant, how you manage to always maintain a semblance of professionalism is irrelevant. He is married and that's that. You need to have some more respect for his wife and step away. This isn't to say what he's done here and to you isn't absolutely awful, because it is, but you need to step away from it now for your own sanity. Let him realise what a total knob he's been to you as you leave him behind.

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 16:26

And to be clear You care about what he thinks about you. He doesn't care at all about you. Or his wife. Or the other women ( past, present or future). He cares about himself. It's not what he says ( flannel). It's what he does.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2019 16:33

I rather doubt you are the only one, OP. For clarity, I mean, I rather doubt you are the only one pining for this man. Because I've met men like this. Their massive egos demand constant attention from women and, despite being in an allegedly monogamous relationship, they have an army of female admirers who they are absolute experts at keeping on a string. Each admirer is given just enough in the way of kind words, attentive listening and perhaps a few friendly pats on the shoulder to keep her gagging for more, and any time one of them tries to move on and reduce contact, the man will up his game to ensure he reels her back in, while never doing anything that he couldn't pass off as 'just being friendly'.

I'm not into monogamy and think it's a trap and a waste of time, but men like this are actually monogamy fetishists. They don't want ethical polyamory where everyone is open about having multiple partners: what they get off on is the transgressive thrill of manipulating other people while looking like Mr Perfect.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 16:53

Just ramp down contact then. Be very busy - you should be. Do what you're doing already and don't share info About things with him. Don't answer any contact from him immediately. Barely contact him.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 16:56

It wouldn’t make me feel good. It would make me very uncomfortable

That's an indication of his character and integrity right there. Be glad you weren't the one to "catch" him.

Let that help you reduce contact and be available to other people.