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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:24

Also you think his behaviour has been honourable (until posters on here questioned that), it hasn't been - no honourable person, whether they "settled" for their partner or not would continue the level of interaction with someone they know has feelings for them, they also wouldn't have engaged those feelings in the first place. Likewise they wouldn't tell another person they settled, or about their sex life, or imply they don't live their partner or any of those deeply disrespectful things.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:24

*love

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:25

Your friend/mutual acquaintance has his number.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:28

I think he brings her along to meet me because she insists upon it.

No-one who trusted their partner to act decently/appropriately would do that, maybe it's due to the previous woman who was texting and drunk phoning him at all hours ... All entirely off her own bat, with zero previous encouragement from him of course, cause she was such a stalker.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:33

It's a shit situation for her to be married to him, but that's her business. He may be a serial flirt, emotional affair-haver but I don't think he's going to leave. And I don't think she's going to kick him out, now or perhaps ever.

Thing is, you think you'd be different and he wouldn't be like that with you if you got together but I doubt many people non here are convinced. Your mutual acquaintance probably isn't either.

Ow always think they're superior to the wife, and men excel in implying they are too; but the reality is usually different.

Wheelson · 30/09/2019 07:37

"He told me that he asked her out because she ticked the right boxes. There was an initial attraction but he said it was a rational decision.
He told me that he has sex with her if he’s lying next to her and happens to feel horny. I got the impression that she could be anyone.
I think he brings her along to meet me because she insists upon it. Plus he doesn’t want to get into ‘trouble’.
One time we were going to meet alone but he decided against it because he said she would make ‘his life hell’ over it."

Oh dear Lord, listen to yourself!! You're convincing yourself that he 'settled' and continues to 'settle' for his wife and that he really wants you when the reality is probably something completely different. Wake up!!

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 07:40

You're convincing yourself that he 'settled' and continues to 'settle' for his wife and that he really wants you when the reality is probably something completely different
He did tell me that he thinks that most married people settled for their spouses. He thinks you should be with someone who you can live with, not can’t live without.
But I agree perhaps he’s just saying that to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 07:43

Ultimately he's willing to just sail close enough to the wind but not actually do anything to end it and would possibly even fight not to end if if she did try to. He's settled now with her, had security and a respectable image with his family/society/workplace that he doesn't want to lose.
I totally agree.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 08:25

Block him every way you can. Resolve to mean it. If he manages to contact you block again. Fill your time with other peope/ things.

It will not be easy at first as you have allowed him to dominate so much of your headspace. But as time goes on I'm convinced you''ll realise what aa waster// waste of time and energy he has been and how much happier you are without his toxicity.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 30/09/2019 08:38

Hate to crush his vision of marriage here, but most people do not settle for their spouse.

What is this man giving you that you're so besotted with? You sound like you're both addicted to each other and even if you were to ever be in a relationship I'm not sure it would be a healthy one. See your worth and kick this dick head to the curb. Don't waste your time on someone who unequivocally is not available to you. He is MARRIED he is not, nor will he ever be, your boyfriend. You deserve someone who puts you above all others, not this chump.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but what this man is doing to you is not on, and you deserve so SO much better x

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/09/2019 08:57

Couching it as "most married people settle" means he's not directly disrespecting his wife but is still able to gull you into thinking he means he loves you, not her. Plausible deniability.

bluebell34567 · 30/09/2019 09:02

It’s difficult and painful for me to accept that I’m not important to him.
i dont think anyone can be important to him.

upups · 30/09/2019 09:05

How could you even ever want a relationship with this man. If he is able to do this to his wise and child with no guilt then he would do the exact same to you. Block him, don't speak to him, be done. I bet he will come running too because you've stopped playing his little game, do not give into it. You deserve a truly good man that likes you and is not bloody married!

Stuckandsad · 30/09/2019 09:07

Dont you think you deserve more than this?
I think people deserve to have someone who is there on their birthday, who takes them on lovely holidays, who runs them a bubble bath after a hard day, takes care of the home, makes time for your family and makes you feel like the only woman in the world.
Why are you happy with whatever crumbs he chucks your way?

EssentialHummus · 30/09/2019 09:09

I think your best bet is to start dating or immerse yourself in something new. I tend to be like you, fwiw, and it took a lot of reigning in.

MercyBookoo · 30/09/2019 09:19

Oh OP. I think you’re in danger of wasting years on this man. He doesn’t want you. He very much wants you to want him so he’s rather cleverly making sure he says the right things.... just drip drip drip, dangling the carrot enough to keep you obsessing over every little crumb of hope. I think you’re right when you say he understands you; unfortunately that means he knows EXACTLY how to play you.

Howdoisortthis · 30/09/2019 09:20

I’m glad you’re starting to see this man for what he is. You’ve had some really good advice and feedback here.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 10:50

I’m too proud to block him as that’s the same as telling him how I feel about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 10:56

You have all been really kind to me considering this is a married man that we are talking about. I really appreciate that. Thank you.

I have been stuck in this situation for well over a year now and I don’t want anymore hurt.

Every time I have to meet him with his wife it knocks me for six emotionally.

I don’t understand how he could be so cruel to not want me at all but to want me to want him. If a guy I knew fancied me (who I didn’t feel that way about) I wouldn’t encourage it. I would cut it dead immediately. In fact this did happen to me last year and the second he expressed an interest I told him straight that I don’t feel like that about him. We’re still good friends and now he has a lovely girlfriend. I wouldn’t dream of stringing him along to make me feel good. It wouldn’t make me feel good. It would make me very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 11:09

He already knows how you feel and is playing you for a fool. Blocking him sends the message he can't do it any more.

You asked for advice. That's the best I can give.

SweetAsSpice · 30/09/2019 11:15

Gently OP, with each post you are sounding more hopeful...more desperate...more obsessed.

Wake up. Love yourself more. Respect his wife more. Get angry with him a hell of a lot more.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 11:17

I feel like my dignity is something I would like to hang on to though. I have never told him how I feel about him, even when pressed. If he’s insecure with low self-esteem then he’s probably not 100% sure of how I feel. I don’t mean to sound vain but if you asked mutual friends they would say that I’m a better catch than him (more attractive, more intelligent, nicer person, more solvent, etc). Yes he’s probably 80% sure but that 20% is what I’m clinging on to for my self worth now. If I block him he’ll possibly laugh or pity me. I really would rather he be confused about how I feel about him and wonder if I ever did fancy him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 11:19

with each post you are sounding more hopeful
I’m not remotely hopeful about having a relationship with him. Only in the sense that I hope he hasn’t done this whole thing with malicious intent.

OP posts:
FatherFintanFay · 30/09/2019 11:43

Why would blocking him be a loss of pride for you? To me, it would be infinitely more dignified than the way you're being at the moment. Blocking a person is a statement of your low opinion of them, at least in my view.

In any case, he obviously knows how you feel already. Unless you're one hell of an actor, the gushing way in which you've spoken about him here suggests that you would have found it hard to keep that under control in his presence.

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 11:46

Your dignity has gone. Your only hope of getting it back is "dumping" him. Who cares what he thinks? He is an arsehole.

You won't be able to move on whilst still in contact. You are clearly obseesed and thinking of him/ the situation morning, noon and night. Whilst he enjoys married life and your adoration ( and likely that of other women like yourself). Please take control. You say you want to. So do so.

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