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Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:13

He got together with her after his previous two girlfriends broke up with him so I suspected he chose her as a safe bet. His previous girlfriend was much more conventionally attractive and had a similar job to him. His now wife had a more junior, supportive role so was perhaps less of an equal and less likely to break up with him. Again.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:14

The reason why I’m mentioning this is because I believed that his attraction towards me was real and true. That maybe he had made a rational decision back then and I came out of the blue and rattled him.

However, the more I read on here, the more I feel like I have been a complete idiot.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:15

I get the feeling you'll believe anything he tells you as long as it paints his marriage negatively & gives you encouragement. You're really not selling him to me, why would you want to be with someone so lacking?
It all sounds like b.s. he could meet you without her knowing, let's not forget that.
She's quite right in making his life hell too, why would you want a part in that?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:18

why would you want to be with someone so lacking?
I suppose I thought that it would be different with me. That I was special to him in some way. At his leaving drinks he was all tearful saying goodbye to me. I thought that I had touched him.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:20

All of the women, his wife included will believe his attraction is real. Remember you're not the only one who has been here with him. I'm sure he made them feel good.

Part of me wants you to just tell him so you can get over this but I worry he'll manipulate you to keep you dangling & you'll still be here 2 years later.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:20

he could meet you without her knowing, let's not forget that
He said that he couldn’t because it would be a betrayal (even though it was only as friends as nothing had ever happened between us).

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:23

All of the women, his wife included will believe his attraction is real.
I once heard him lie about something on the phone at work. He was so convincing that it chilled me

Part of me wants you to just tell him so you can get over this but I worry he'll manipulate you to keep you dangling & you'll still be here 2 years later.
My fear is that he’ll deny his part in it, add me to his ‘list of admirers’ and insist we go NC. He actually accidentally called me one of his admirers once 😱, so he must know.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:25

He said that he couldn’t because it would be a betrayal

This doesn't add up. If he was concerned about betrayal he wouldn't be meeting you at all. The whole thing sounds so messy & confusing! You need to remove yourself from this.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:28

Recently we had a situation in which I contacted him, he didn’t reply and I just left it. Bearing in mind that we were in touch several times a week. I didn’t hear from him for 6 weeks. He eventually got back in touch with the very reasonable excuse that his daughter had been sick. He was really surprised that I hadn’t been the one to chase him up. He even said so.

He always wants to be in control. If I suggest meeting he always says no but comes up with his own suggestions instead. He’ll say he’ll call me within the next fortnight or something, which I find rather odd.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:29

I once heard him lie about something on the phone at work. He was so convincing that it chilled me

My fear is that he’ll deny his part in it, add me to his ‘list of admirers’ and insist we go NC. He actually accidentally called me one of his admirers once 😱, so he must know.

There it is! There's your answers. You know this will happen, you know he's a good liar. You know there's no legitimate feelings. The proof's all there in your subconscious.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:30

”He said that he couldn’t because it would be a betrayal.” This doesn't add up. If he was concerned about betrayal he wouldn't be meeting you at all. The whole thing sounds so messy & confusing!
I know. And this was around a period in time when he had left the company and he was calling me at least twice a week for hour long chats while his wife was out.
I think he was very conflicted. He wanted to be a good husband but he also wanted me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:32

You know there's no legitimate feelings
I’m not convinced of this. I think he did have feelings. I’m not sure if he still does.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:32

^^ again, your last post. 6 weeks? That's a bit long to not let your friend know about your daughter. I really hope his excuse was honest, it's not one you'd be able to question. He's only getting in touch if he feels his supply might be cut off.
It is odd. The whole thing is odd.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:33

Why invest so many hundreds of hours in a woman you have no interest in? Why risk the wrath of your wife and risk losing her trust over a woman you have no feelings for?

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:34

I’m not convinced of this. I think he did have feelings. I’m not sure if he still does.

Dont worry around to see. He's married & that should be at the forefront of your mind. Don't be involved in this.

Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:34

*wait

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:36

He's only getting in touch if he feels his supply might be cut off.
Yes I wondered this. I actually thought that I was never going to hear from him again so I was surprised that he got back in touch. But you’re right. He didn’t want to lose how I make him feel.

It’s difficult and painful for me to accept that I’m not important to him.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:38

Why invest so many hundreds of hours in a woman you have no interest in? Why risk the wrath of your wife and risk losing her trust over a woman you have no feelings for?
Who knows. Why do you waste so many hours on a married man you'll never be with? People do things for all sorts of reasons, sometimes they just act on impulse.
This is not a good, loyal man. He's not crying over this.

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2019 01:41

Why not take control here? It is all about his needs/ wants.

You want a real relationship with someone who is free to be with you. Not with a selfish adulterous manipulator surely. You are wasting your time with him.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 30/09/2019 01:42

Why not take control here? It is all about his needs/ wants.
I completely agree. How can I do that?

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 30/09/2019 01:52

I completely agree. How can I do that?

By doing as little as possible;

Do not contact.
Do not respond.
Do not meet.
He'll try to pull you in harder when he feels you're not as bothered - this is a tactic not a sign he wants you.
Come on here when you need the will power.

Any time you give in you're back to square one & you've undone all of your work & you'll regret it. The more you stick to it, the more you'll see it for what it is & become stronger.

sweetpea36 · 30/09/2019 03:06

I just wanted to say that I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, but the thing that stands out is that this man is not your friend. You wouldn’t be alone at night crying over him if he was your friend.
Sorry to sound harsh, but he wants to flirt with you and keep you at arm’s length because it suits his ego. If you reveal feelings for him, I’m sure he would act shocked and self righteous and would hurt and humiliate you by rejecting you. And if his wife finds out what you said, you will both hurt her and look like the one in the wrong, however well intentioned you’ve been.
I agree with the others that it’s best to distance yourself. Don’t explain why, just back off a bit. You’re young, you’re worth more. You can find someone else who listens and is more available. He’s led you along for long enough!
Also, maybe the counselling is a good idea, this kind of thing can wreck your self esteem.
I wish you all the best. It comes across strongly that you don’t want to be in this situation.
It won’t be easy but you can do it.

Chattybum · 30/09/2019 04:24

Oh OP. You have been had over from the sound of it, by a truly horrible, self serving git. If you want to get over him block him and end all contact. Do not explain yourself, it really will not serve you. And if you are ever tempted or wondering 'what if' think about him telling this 'new friend' (the one you have nothing in common with) how obsessed you were over him, sharing information that was private between you and laughing about how crazy you were about him even though you never even met him alone etc. The thought of him humiliating you and laughing about it like he did with the previous women he told you about should cool your ardour pretty damn quick. Good luck, it's not easy but you deserve someone who is genuinely interested in you, not pretending to be in order to get a kick out of your futile adoration.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:19

Why invest so many hundreds of hours in a woman you have no interest in? Why risk the wrath of your wife and risk losing her trust over a woman you have no feelings for?

Attention, validation, ego massage, gratification, pleasant conversation and interaction with someone he knows admires him, the more normal enjoyment we get from social interaction etc etc. It's no real effort, it's no real sacrifice .. if he doesn't have time or isn't inclined, he drops out for 6 weeks.

To answer your driving question, he doesn,'t believe his wife will leave him unless he's caught doing something physical, and maybe not even then. He believes he can gaslight her that everything else is "just friends".

Perhaps he's ultimately willing to risk the breakdown of the marriage because of the indifference he apparently feels (it's possible she's a safe choice and hrs not crazy about her, doesn't hold her in v high esteem and has "settled" - from what you've said he said) ... But thst's a reflection of his (lack of) feelings for her, not of his strong feelings for you or anyone else.

Ultimately he's willing to just sail close enough to the wind but not actually do anything to end it and would possibly even fight not to end if if she did try to. He's settled now with her, had security and a respectable image with his family/society/workplace that he doesn't want to lose.

JustWonderful · 30/09/2019 07:20

*second question

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