Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

@sweetm if you had actually read the post, you would see I had been talking about abortions prior to them becoming legalised medical procedures. (But if you are a medical expert on backstreet abortions then by all means share your research) My point was that before legalised abortion, the op would never have been bullied into abortion by a group of judgemental strangers. I then pointed out that abortion has now become so common, that it is not taken as the serious medical procedure that it is! But to be honest, I would imagine anyone that chooses to kick a woman when she is down, would kick her whether abortion was legal or not.

Anyway my post was in response to another post which I requested be removed.

The more I think about each option, the more confused I feel. I saw a tiny baby when I was out earlier and my heart was breaking in two at the thought of the abortion.💔😥😥😥

Not read the whole thread but who are you family to decide what you do? You're a grown women. This is YOUR body and YOUR baby. If you want to keep the baby, keep it. Why is their opinion so important to you? Why are they allowed to control your life?

Woman*

OP, the embryo inside you is nothing like that little baby you saw out today. So unless you just want another child, it isn't really relevant - It doesn't actually resemble a baby at all

you don't believe in a woman's right to rid herself of something she doesn't want inside her
But this OP does want the something that is inside her.

busydoingnothing because her parents are having to give her money to feed her family already and know that a third child would probably mean they would have to subside them even more
You would know that if you did read the whole thread

@BusyDoingNothingx Not read the whole thread but who are you family to decide what you do? You're a grown women. This is YOUR body and YOUR baby. If you want to keep the baby, keep it. Why is their opinion so important to you? Why are they allowed to control your life?

Because they are supporting the OP and her existing children both emotionally and financially.

She relies on them to put food in her children's mouths and to pick up the pieces of her own life.

So no, while it's not 'their choice', the choice that she makes is going to have a very serious impact on them. And they know better than anyone else how unable she is to look after the children she already has, and how this will only make it worse.

BusyDoingNothingx you really should RTFT.

Why is their opinion so important to you? Why are they allowed to control your life?

Their opinion IS important because they are financing OP’s existing kids and therefore if she has another she’ll expect them to fund a third child too (unless she miraculously finds financial independence via a decent income in the few short months before a birth... incredibly unlikely).

I think you should talk to your Mum about your finances - the set up seems very strange. It sounds like your parents are close enough to your DH to talk about vasectomies so I'm sure they could approach him about finances. It seems bizarre to me that money is that tight.

Whether or not you make the decision to have a termination, the family finances need to be sorted out. You and DC shouldn't be in a position of going hungry if it weren't for your parents' help.

You need to look at how you spend your money - you say you can’t afford to feed the children and your parents have to pay for food yet you have a trip booked to Eurodisney....? Your priorities seem way off. You’re spending money on days out but aren’t covering the basics.

Would it be an option to take this week (or however long you have until you need to make the decision) to sit down and really assess your financial situation in detail, to try and work out with your DH (or by yourself) if there's any way to have the baby without needing to ask for more from your parents? Or even if there's a way to get through the first year with what you already have, until you have a way to earn again/make some changes? I really, really feel for you and completely understand why this is such an awful choice. Just wondered if it might help to have all the facts in front of you so that whatever you decide, you're armed with the knowledge that you have a plan/full understanding of options moving forward. I understand the complexities of this situation, and I don't think there is one clear "right" answer, but please don't let anyone force you into having an abortion that you don't want. Thinking of you

My mum generously booked a trip to EuroDisney for me and my DD, I didn't pay for it at all.

The enormity of an abortion is always on my mind but then again, so is the prospect of affecting so many people if I keep the baby. We do have a lot of my DS' baby clothes, equipment etc so we could just about manage for the first year and not buy new things. Funnily enough my DH said he was coming around to the idea tonight. I will have another chat with him to see what his thoughts are.

Money is that tight as we only have what my DH earns and the rest is just my child benefit which goes on things for the children, clothes, school trips etc. Apart from that, I get nothing else. Obviously if it wasn't for my parents, we would be living off beans on toast. The situation might have been different if I hadn't been made redundant from the company I did freelance work for in 2017, and had all the health problems that I had. But it is what it is, so I need to be able to cope with what we do have.😣

OP you've said your parents help you financially but are we talking about thousands, hundreds, fifty quid? Have you and dh sat down with a budget?

The idea of people telling you to have an abortion when you don't want to is sickening. What a shame you have told your family about this pregnancy so early on. Just because they help you financially does not mean they get to take ownership of this decision.
Try to have an honest discussion with your DP about how you would cope, what changes you could make etc. Keep your family out of it.

My parents give us about £300 a month for food and then if I need extra for anything else, they 'top up' my finances by £100 or less.

We don't go on holiday, rarely eat out, don't drink or smoke and most of the things o buy are for my children. I don't squander the money on new pairs of shoes or CDs and make up every month.

I guess I told my family about it so soon was because of the fact that they do give us so much support and help. I would be putting them last if I didn't let them know sooner. It would be highly unfair of me to get past 3 months and then tell them, and for them to then feel like they didn't have a say in anything at all because the pregnancy was too far along. The guilt from that alone would have made me feel terrible.

When I was working freelance for a few years until 2017, I was earning about £600 on a retainer and then any additional hours after that. What I earned went towards food and my living expenses. I haven't changed my car (a 2003 reg Mini) in 10 years and I try to shop for myself with thr budget I can. I do occasionally treat myself to the food I like or something else like a new pair of shoes / clothes etc. But most of our money goes on general living and the children.

£300/400 per month? Wow that is a lot! Has there never been a conversation about your DH’s contribution to his family ? I help my DD if required but would certainly have questions if it was expected every month .

Really not sure what you're looking for here. You two didn't use contraception. You want another child. So why seek ways to justify it to the rest of the world? Be honest with yourself and own it. You wanted a third a child or you'd have gone belt and braces on birth control not just 'Oh, well, I told him it was a more fertile time of my cycle. Oops.' If I were the one fronting you hundreds of pounds, though, tbh, I wouldn't extend any more at all, probably just buy the kids stuff directly or not offer more childcare because I'd feel very taken advantage of and used.

I hope that I would not be coming across as taking advantage of my parents - I certainly don't sit there saying that I think they should give us lots of money each month and not be grateful for it. I am always saying that I appreciate all that they do for us, both in time and money, and would never take any of it for granted. I know how fortunate I am and don't take advantage of their generosity. In some people's eyes, I am probably coming across as quite spoilt - I suppose in some ways, I am. But the way I am towards my parents is a million times more grateful than my brother who was completely ungrateful and expected to be handed what he wanted to have, but gave nothing back. He had never been in employment, wasn't working and because of his physical and mental problems, had social financial support. If it hadn't been for my parents' help, he would have been really struggling and probably homeless.

Anyway, I digress and this isn't about my poor departed brother. I am fully aware of my shortcomings and know the gravity of my situation and what it entails either way.

You haven’t answered the question about your DH’s contribution to your family finances .

I am not sure what you mean by my DH's contribution? Do you mean why he doesn't have enough left over for food every month after all other outgoings?

You are very vague about your DH’s earnings - I am just trying to get my head around the fact that he earns too much for TCs /UC but has no money to buy food.