Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I think that's exactly what people are wondering, OP. What are the actual figures for all the outgoings? How much is rent/mortgage? Electricity? Council tax? Is the food shop £75 per week to feed 2 adults and 2 children? How much does the commute cost? Phones and internet? TV? Car?

Is you DP taking advantage of your family's generosity and not prioritising what the family needs - eg choosing a car loan instead of essentials?
Do your family have a sense of duty to help out since you have not been able to earn and so are in effect compensating your DP for your loss of earnings? Sorry if I have this wrong but that's how it sounds.
If you were take their money out of the equation, what would you do then?

I know how fortunate I am and don't take advantage of their generosity.

What you're doing now is exactly that. I think it's extremely manipulative. You know they won't stop supporting you & however many children you choose to have. Doesn't make it ok to exploit that generosity.

I have no hidden agenda to be manipulated Rubicon80, and I don't think it is ok to exploit anyone's generosity.

I have been told that they won't continue to bail me out so they have explicitly said they will stop supporting me, therefore your statement isn't true. Even if they did say that they would carry on continuing to support me, my DH and I discussed the possibility of moving to a cheaper house to free up funds so we wouldn't have to rely so much on them.

*be manipulative

Maybe you should post on the credit crunch threads, OP. There might be savings you and DH could make, whatever you decide.

@NooNooHead you are not manipulating anyone! Other posters do not have the experience of becoming suddenly disabled/ very unwell as an adult and needing support from family members. I do, it is incredibly soul destroying, you are stripped of your independence and placed in a situation where you are forced to rely on your parents again, after having separated yourself and become financially, emotionally and psychologically independent. Nobody chooses that situation! My husband and I hate that we have had to rely on my parents, but we have no other option! (We can live day to day but sometimes essential things break - take last month, our oven and fridge broke irreparably and the laptop that our children use for schoolwork blew up)

I will say this, neither of my parents would ever bully me into an abortion! Your parents seem to thrive in their position of ‘provider’ and use it as a means to manipulate and control you! My parents have never brought up anything they have helped us with financially!

It sounds like as the shock wears off, your dh is actually coming round to the idea of keeping your baby. I would look into moving into a house that is in a less expensive area. London and surrounding areas is notoriously expensive, so your dh would likely earn more than enough to support your family if you were living in a less affluent area.

Your parents do sound incredibly generous financially, however if it is used as a means of controlling or manipulating you then it is in my eyes ‘blood’ money. Have you approached any charities or agencies that could help you work out how to get the most out of your current income?

I meant to reiterate that there is NOTHING manipulative about continuing with an unplanned pregnancy. The unplanned aspect clarifies that completely! You have every right to choose what is best for you and your body. You have already stated that you have everything you need for the baby for the first year. Add nine months to that and you have a good amount of time to get your finances in order.

"Please be careful with your words you do not know what effect they will have on op who is already fragile."

@Shebertherbert perhaps you should be careful with your words when you decide to say things like 'killing a child.'

@NooNooHead £300 from your parents is a lot. I think you really need to sit down with your DH and see where all the money is going. You seem awful passive about not knowing what all the family incomings and outgoings are.

The op has already iterated that she has been recovering from both a head injury, a movement disorder and resulting mental health issues- if her dh has taken over control of their finances for now then really that is nobody else’s business (other than OP, her dh and possibly her DP)! For the last eight years, my dh has dealt with all of our financial arrangements, mortgage reviews, life and house insurance policies, any bills (broadband, phone, gas and electric). I am not passive and I don’t believe the OP is either, I have just got to prioritise where I spend my energy and being bed-bound and chronically exhausted, I am not the best person to be dealing with our finances. (I have actually had a recent remission in my neurological condition, which for the past eight years has been progressive. So I keep an eye on our joint account and my dh now discusses finances with me.)

That doesn’t mean my dh has been financially abusive, or that I have been deliberately passive. My dh has power of attorney over me, as a result of my health being awful for the past 8 years. He was advised to organise this by my social worker.

The OP has been unwell, as a result her family and dh have pulled together to support her. They are understandably concerned about her pregnancy, her parents had discussed a vasectomy with her dh (which would have been the most sensible action for him to take (my parents were similarly concerned but my dh had a vasectomy three months after our youngest was born, having gone on the waiting list during my pregnancy)). It sounds like the OP is in a better place (emotionally) now and she wants to keep her baby. She is already a stay at home Mum and is/ was considering a return to work some time in the future. That suggests she feels physically better.

I am honestly horrified at the amount of people on here who think it ok to bully a pregnant woman into an abortion she doesn’t want, blaming a financial situation they know very little about. Surely being pro choice should entail supporting women no matter what their choice is! Judging their personal circumstances and bullying them into a decision they will have to live with for the rest of their lives, is abhorrent!

Caledoniahasmyheartforever thank you so much for your replies - you have been the most understanding and kindest person on here, and I am very grateful for your lovely thoughts. The most empathetic people are often those who have been through similar things. You sound an incredibly strong lady too and I know you must have to be very strong every day, especially with a progressive neurological condition. I am so pleased you are having some respite and that your DH is so supportive.

My movement disorder was drug induced therefore it was caused by a medication that was meant to help me in my time of need. It took me a very long time to feel ok about this, and as it is permanent and there is no real treatment (apart from time), I did feel quite depressed and angry for a long time.
Having some respite now from my symptoms, and with my overall health a lot better than it was 5 years ago, I feel that I am in a stronger position to consider the pregnancy if I decide to keep it.

Funnily enough, my best friend said tonight that I was being too introspective and that I need to not focus on my pregnancy and be in my head too much. It was quite hard to hear it I guess she was pretty fed up at talking to me non-stop about it for the past fortnight. I have made it my aim to only think about it for half an hour tomorrow and make a proper effort to be decisive and come to a final decision by the middle of the week.

And yes - in answer to a PP, my parents sub me for the money that I used to contribute towards food each month.

I not completely in the dark about our outgoings. Our mortgage is around £500, and we have a Sky package for phone and broadband (around £68). Can't be too sure about utilities but I know that DH gets the best deals via USwitch etc. He does have his car loan of £300 plus travel for 3 days into London on the tube, and then any other bills like phone, car insurance, life / redundancy insurance, and then whatever is left is his to spend on daily living expenses/petrol etc.

We don't have an extravagant lifestyle by any stretch and I think he does very well to make the money stretch as well as it does.

@NooNooHead thank you for your kind response! I’m so sorry to hear about the cause of your movement disorder, that must be difficult, it must be hard not to resent the Doctors who put you on that medication. I suffer from spasms in my arms, legs and actually all over. They come on randomly and accidentally cause me to drop/ throw things and nudge/ lightly hit my carers as they help me wash ( they are very sweet and take it in their stride but it is embarrassing). I am also on the Autistic Spectrum and am very literal- I think that my conditions make me feel very strongly for the rights of all women to be Mothers if they choose. Disabled women face so much negativity during pregnancy- yet being disabled does not mean you cannot be a wonderful Mother! I feel a lot of the judgement you have faced on this thread is to do with your physical and mental health difficulties. People are jumping on the money issue but there will be an undercurrent of judging you for your recent illness/ disability. You wouldn’t be in a position of relying on your parents if it were not for your disability! Therefore judgement of your financial situation is also judgement of your recent physical and mental health issues.

I wonder if replies would be so belligerently in ‘favour’ (more like demand) of abortion if a woman came on saying she was a single Mother, recently separated from her partner and currently relying on benefits. If you were entitled to benefits you would not be relying on your parents.

I do still think you should contact citizens advice and ask for support in looking through your financial situation and whether you are entitled to any benefits. We struggled for 8 months believing we were not entitled to any benefits but not realising that we were entitled to carers allowance and child tax credits. It made a huge difference to us!

I’m so glad that you, too are feeling better! I wouldn’t be hard on yourself for self introspection, it’s perfectly natural! It is you who has to live with the consequences of your decisions internally! Thus why you making the right choice for you is so important- no matter what that decision is!

Your DH pays £300 a month for a car that he doesn’t use half of the week?
I would in your position work through all your incoming and outgoings and see where you can cut back. I’d do this before thinking about having another child. If you can stop relying on your family then it’s none of their business if you have another child?

I'm so sorry.... All I can say is be gentle, what would you say to Ur daughter... Big hugs

Be strong for yourself and your unborn child

OP, admittedly I'm a bit of a 'fixer' and generally have the attitude that anything is possible with a bit of lateral thinking, but if your finances are the main issue I really think that you need to throw yourself into that before anything else.

With the greatest respect, you sound quite woolly about what the family incomings and outgoings actually are and therefore how the money might be made to stretch further.

Could you make it your project over the next week to get a really tight grip on understanding all incomings and outgoings and then ruthlessly seek advice (in real life and also on MN / moneysavingexpert / money and mummy bloggers etc.) on what changes could be made? There are so many things you can switch and do that won't impact your family's lives but will save you quite a bit of money. Make a list, make a budget and then see where you stand.

It's a lot of effort but I really think that this is the first step before making the more major decision. At least then you'll be coming at it from a position of power and full knowledge that you've done absolutely everything you can think of.

Really best of luck to you whatever you decide.

Your finances don't make sense!
I earn around £40k and take home around £2500 a month. I pay rent which is almost twice your mortgage and I make ends meet perfectly well.
I suggest he needs to sell the car and buy a banger or share yours since your parents are subbing you to the value of his car loan every month!

Oh, this is a tough decision.

I agree that with WMPAGL that you need to start by going over your finances with your DH and finding out what's causing the shortfall every month. It may be that you could cut a couple of things back and no longer need to rely on your parents or you may still need their help for a while- but at least you'd know exactly where you are financially.

Having a better grasp of your financial position will help you make an informed decision on what's best for your family. It won't help the emotional stress, but it'll be YOUR decision, not based on what other people are telling you.

Whatever happens, please look into more reliable birth control going forward. PP's have suggested that your DH takes care of it given you've had major health problems...I agree, it's his responsibility as well.

I'm sorry OP but things just don't add up with your family finances and I don't agree that your DH is doing such a great job of managing them.

If you have more information, you can help. You are clearly more than capable.

Travelling into London is expensive, and your DH is effectively doubling up in that he has that cost plus a really pricey car loan. I've never spent so much each month on my car! It might be that a local job would work out better?

Could get a car for half of that £300, it seems crazy to pay almost as much for your car as your mortgage.

Given that OP appears to be trying to stretch the benefits/tax credits as far as possible, as it doesn't seem as if the DH is giving any money at all, I'm wondering what on earth the salary is actually being spent on?

I have suspected financial abuse since early in the thread, and it would be interesting to know if the DH was willing to allow OP to look over the finances.

There's an expensive car loan, but he also pays for commuting so a waste of money there. And so on.

OP, the poster who said that if you are making such a big decision based onto finances, then you need full information about your finances to make an informed decision is spot on.

Stop relying on your DH to "manage the finances". Get involved. Be informed. When you stopped earning and your parents stepped in to replace your most earnings, your DH didn't change his lifestyle at all, did he? I bet he is wasting money that could be used to support your unborn child in due course. His extravagant car is the obvious one. Why do you really need to have two cars?? You could drop him at the station 3 days a week and save at least £3,600 a year (plus fuel, tax, insurance, maintenance).

You want this child, so start to take steps to make it work. Stop thinking about everyone else, and allowing yourself to be bullied and manipulated. Get a grip on your finances and stop burying your head in the sand!

We have two cars as he needs his to drive to his parents on a Tues night to stay there (in Herts, we live in Norfolk) so I would be a bit stuck being here on my own 3 days a week without a car. I know people manage with only one car but I do think it is important safety wise etc for me to have a car that I can get somewhere in an emergency. My parents live 45 mins away so they don't live that far but it is better for me to have some independence and my own method of transport.

I think once my DH has put his share of the money into the shared account to cover the household bills (£950 pm) and then paid for his car loan, he has to use the rest of his money to pay for phone, car insurance, redundancy insurance, life insurance, general living costs.

Can you log into all the accounts, OP?

Not to say he's being abusing, we simple do t know enough, but because he's run it for so long that fresh eyes would potentially identify places you could making savings... and if you can, and if you can reduce your reliance on your parents, surely your decision would be easier?

This is clearly a massive choice for you and I think you need to be very certain what you are making that choice on.

Could it be today's project? Look at the finances, maybe post anonymised figures here or on MSE so people can suggest things that might work?

I saved £510 a month after talking finances on here once. I would have sworn there was no way I could, I used comparison sites; negotiated everything; but fresh eyes often see things or find ways that you haven't considered when you're doing it all the time.