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Original poster

Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

999 replies

NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 20:25

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.Sad

OP posts:
NicolaStart · 28/09/2019 11:13

Oh, OP, I am so sorry: you are indeed between a rock and s hard place.

And it isn’t helping that you are facing pressure from family, because while their concerns are valid, you must be feeling very cornered.

It doesn’t sound as if they don’t care about you and your kids, quite the opposite.

I am another who would really worry about you managing during the week with 2 under the age of three, the string possibility of PND etc as you are already working so hard to repair and protect your mental health.

I am angry with your DH. Your Dad was obviously concerned that this would happen when he raised the idea of a vasectomy with your DH... who did nothing about it.

Ask your DH why. If he goes in about not feeling he could do that to his body, give him a long hard stare and ask how he feels about his part in what happens to YOUR body.

I feel for you OP.

You can make the right decision for yourself.

Flowers
Fiercebadiggi · 28/09/2019 11:58

I cannot see how keeping a pregnancy is ever selfish. I can see how getting pregnant can be selfish, but the horse here has bolted.

Fiercebadiggi · 28/09/2019 11:59

(It might not be the right decision to keep the pregnancy, but I don't think it being selfish is a factor).

Geronimo8 · 28/09/2019 12:10

Your life is a bit of a disaster as it is. I think your mother has a very valid point. But I think you're using them to blame for this mess. They have a right to an opinion considering they are bank rolling you. Another child will be a burden on the ones you already have. Honestly you don't sound mature enough to be able to see forward as to what it will be like with 3. I'd leave it at 2 and your DH really needs a vasectomy!

ToLiveInPeace · 28/09/2019 12:21

On the financial side - my friend's husband assured her that he was more qualified than her to manage their finances. She ended up paying off debts he ran up for years after their divorce. I mean this in all kindness - you need to take responsibility for your own security and well-being. Good luck.

NicolaStart · 28/09/2019 12:30

I have had a termination. I was really sad about the need for it, but the circumstances just weren’t right, not for me, not for the circumstances I would have been bringing the baby into, and the effect on other people that I cared about.

The way I looked at it was I hadn’t chosen to become pg (it was a bit of a freak contraceptive failure), and that I had two choices: to be at the mercy / have my life dictated by an unchosen pregnancy , or take control of my life, continue with my own choice at that moment, be the driver in my life, not subject to ‘fate’.

That made me feel better and forward looking.

Right now you are doing so well recovering from your breakdown. You can work with your DH to improve your finances, which will in itself make you stronger.

ToLiveInPeace · 28/09/2019 12:39

To add to my comments on being involved in your finances, in case I sounded harsh - I appreciate that while you were unwell and recovering, it made sense for you to step back from any stress. Now, with a major decision to make that is largely based on money, you deserve to be fully informed when making that choice.

CrystalShark · 28/09/2019 12:48

Keeping a pregnancy is of course selfish when you’re reliant on others to finance the baby’s needs (especially when they’re already paying for two existing children).

Rubicon80 · 28/09/2019 13:24

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Fiercebadiggi · 28/09/2019 13:57

OP loads of people get support from parents with their families - whether this is childcare to allow them to work, the odd bit of babysitting, financial handouts or even bloody big house deposits. Don't imagine that on mumsnet especially everyone pays their own way 100%! If the parents can not afford it and are struggling themselves that's entirely different.
Op has said she is not in agreement with abortion (for herself) at the start of the thread so I think it is unacceptably to keep telling her to have one. Yes it might be a sensible choice. But it is a choice The right to choose a termination includes the right not to!
You don't sound like there is financial transparency in your relationship and I think that should be looked at.

timshelthechoice · 28/09/2019 14:20

Honestly, it's very sad, but termination really seems the best option in this. Your physical and mental health is really poor just now, your rely a lot on others, your H is a bit of a wanker who doesn't sound invested in the marriage anymore, you already have 2 healthy children and you're 38 (on MN this is nothing but in reality the risk of having a child with SN is increased). If your marriage ends it's far better with 2 rather than 3 kids as you won't get increased Universal Credit for 3 children.

When we become parents we all have to make the children we have now the first priority.

Your H needs to get the snip or stop having sex with him, but bringing a child into this whole situation doesn't seem the responsible thing to do.

Shebertherbert · 28/09/2019 14:26

I used the term killing her child because that is exactly the choice I knew was making at the time. That is what I will always believe I did. It does not make me anti abortion. You can use the word embryo if you like, if it makes it easier. But the choice is the same. I was broken afterwards and I did grieve for that loss in just the same way I grieved for the child I miscarried. I did however make the choice that was right for me at the time.
I have read the ops posts. I have my own opinions on what the op should do for the best. But I have enough respect for her to not wade in with my opinion on her life. It is a awful decision to have to make. I will not lecture her on her life choices nor tell her she is immature or selfish. Or taking the piss. Like others on this thread have done. Please be careful with your words you do not know what effect they will have on op who is already fragile.

PEACE11 · 28/09/2019 14:32

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Booboosweet · 28/09/2019 14:47

I think whether you have the child or not, health allowing, you should start training for some kind of work to achieve a bit of financial independence. Yes that's hard with two/three kids but what's done is done. At least you should try to work so you don't need to take money from family.

Original poster
NooNooHead · 28/09/2019 15:44

Thank you all again for more replies. As much as it is hurtful to hear that I am apparently not mature enough and selfish for not wanting to end the pregnancy, I agree that these points have some validity to them. They do highlight the seriousness of the situation, the possibility that everyone's life is very much going to be affected if I choose to keep the child, and that in some ways, the most responsible and mature course of action would be putting everyone else first and having the abortion.

But it was 50% my responsibility and 50% my DH. As much as I am not sure about the abortion, I do find it hard to hear him say that he thinks I was completely at fault to tell him we were in the less fertile period of my cycle (I honestly thought we were, but obviously we weren't...!)

If he had been against it completely then a vasectomy would have been a wise move.

What is done is done. I know that I have a limited amount of time and that I must decide by this time next week at the very latest. The increasing pressure makes my decision so much harder but I know that it has to be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooHead · 28/09/2019 15:54

Geronimo8 Hmm well, thank you for the vote of confidence... I am not sure that my life is that much of a mess to describe it as 'a bit of a disaster'. You seem to be a lot more 'together' than me apparently.Hmm

I am certainly not blaming my parents for this mess. I am well aware that I am 50% responsible for it and 100% responsible for sorting it out (so it seems). That doesn't mean that I haven't considered what my family have said and the effect of my actions on them - on the contrary, it is all that I have thought about for the past fortnight.Sad

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 28/09/2019 16:03

You told him less fertile, not infertile.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/09/2019 16:27

He really needs to be showing you all financial paperwork, you need to see exactly where all the money is going.
Has he tried debt consolidation, or contacted his credit card company for an interest freeze or to negotiate a lower payment plan if he's struggling?
A debt advice company could be the difference between affording to keep the baby or not, he can't bury his head in the sand any longer and just expect you to accept what he says is left over etc, you're married, you have a right to see all related financial documentation.

NicolaStart · 28/09/2019 16:30

“do find it hard to hear him say that he thinks I was completely at fault to tell him we were in the less fertile period of my cycle (I honestly thought we were, but obviously we weren't...!)”

He should know just as well as you that, as the joke goes: “what do you call people who use the rhythm method for contraception?” “Parents!”.

He is being really unreasonable. As well as not being transparent financially.

DragonMamma · 28/09/2019 16:40

Gosh OP, what a quandary.

There won’t be any winners in this situation and the decision either way will likely have a profound impact on the family you currently have.

FWIW, I have 2DC and recently thought there was a chance I was pregnant - my heart said that if I was I’d have loved to keep it but then swiftly realised it would cripple us financially and that wasn’t fair to my existing DC, as the impact would be for the rest of their childhood and I couldn’t carry that burden so I’d already resolved to get a termination. Luckily, I wasn’t pregnant but I know what my decision would be.

I think, as hard as it is, not continuing with your pregnancy seems to be the fairest thing for your existing children. If you were supporting yourselves financially and emotionally currently then perhaps it would be different but as you aren’t, I can’t see that there’s another viable option for you. I would imagine your DH feels an enormous sense of responsibility to support you financially but still needs hand outs from the in-laws to feed his DC. I can see why he doesn’t want to plunge you all further in to that responsibility - I know I wouldn’t.

And ultimately, you have to be sure that if you did carry on with your pregnancy and it signalled the end of your marriage, that you could support 3DC (financially and emotionally), on your own.

Good luck OP Flowers

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 28/09/2019 16:47

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Fizzypop2 · 28/09/2019 16:52

Oh sweetheart. What an awful predicament you are in. I have no advice other than to offer support in whatever you decide. All I will say is you never regret a child, but you may regret aborting. But who knows. No one really knows your position unless they are in it. Big hugs xx

sweetm · 28/09/2019 16:57

none of the women here would be trying to convince the OP to undergo a dangerous and possibly fatal procedure that could result in the loss of both OP and her pregnancy!

You're talking out of your arse. It's over 100 more safe than birth.

And it isn't 'medically invasive'.

In addition to that, you say you 'don't believe in abort'. So everything that comes out of your mouth surrounding the topic is utter crap since you don't believe in a woman's right to rid herself of something she doesn't want inside her.

Get a grip of yourself. You know full well it isn't as black and white as just wanting to keep a baby. Obviously the OP cannot be forced into an abortion and that is 100% right as to do would be taking control of her body. But sensibly, and realistically, practically, financial... Abortion is the right choice for her

sweetm · 28/09/2019 16:58

I have no advice other than to offer support in whatever you decide. All I will say is you never regret a child, but you may regret aborting.

But that simply is not true. Plenty of people regret having a child - it's just too taboo to say it.

CrystalShark · 28/09/2019 17:01

That old chestnut ‘you never regret a child’ is completely false. Plenty of people do. They just rarely share because it’s taboo. I can assure you I’ve spoken to a fair number of mothers and fathers who’ve acknowledged that they deeply regret having had their child/children.