Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

You've had a tough time, OP - coming back from a head injury is no mean feat in itself.

If you do end the pregnancy, I think you have a certain amount of control over your feelings afterwards - posters have said "Don't let others push you around", but I would add "Don't let your fear of bad feelings push you around". A lot comes down to how you choose to frame it. If you frame it as "They made me do it", you'll feel sad and helpless. If you look at your two lovely children and think "I did something hard in order to focus on them", then the feelings are somewhat different.

At the risk of sounding glib, you can't always choose your circumstances, but you can choose your attitude. The narratives we tell ourselves really matter.

I think that it would really just be easier to have an abortion to keep the peace and so I can move forward- the alternative seems to be full of difficulties. As much as I would be the best mum that I could to the new baby, I feel like I would be constantly wondering if I had done the best thing by bringing it into the world.

I certainly would never have considered an abortion if it hadn't been suggested, but I don't think I would have felt completely comfortable with the money side of things.

Thank you bibliomania for your wise words. I agree that attitude is certainly everything and reframing things can put a whole new perspective on things.

Can I ask why your husband hasn’t had a reduction in his standard of living since he had children but you have ?

How do you feel about the comments that you are being financially abused ? Do you think that’s true?

I guess he would say that he has had a reduction in the standard of living etc as he says he never buys himself expensive presents and things any more, nor do we go on holiday etc. All of his money goes on household bills and the children (toys, days out, extras etc). It has been quite tight since the children were born but we have managed.

Yes, you are right - the head injury was the worst time of my life. It was like going into a dementia type hell, with odd cognitive and physical symptoms. Then to add my drug induced movement disorder tardive dyskinesia qhere I had no control over my body (facial tic type symptoms and dystonia in other body parts), things haven't been easy really.

Not sure whether I would say I was being financially abused but then I have never really thought about it like that. What is the actual definition of financial abuse?

OP, you haven't answered any of the many posters talking about your finances, financial control and affordability. I am pretty sure that with some rejigging of financial priorities, you could afford another child.

Change the car, renegotiate debts, cut back on unnecessary luxuries etc. But since you don't know much about your finances how would you know what is being spent by your DH?

You need to get access to your family finances pronto and stop letting him control it all. And why does he have his money and you only get CB? I bet he is spending more on himself than you think, keeping you and DC short.

Good luck with the pregnancy whichever you choose. But make sure it is YOUR choice, not for the benefit of anyone else.

cross post OP. See above.

Knowledge is power.

Get access to the bank accounts, sit down with him and go through all outgoings. If he refuses, that is further financial abuse.

Yet there are tell-tale signs such as...

They don't have money to pay for bills and food
They can't explain their lack of access to money.
Changes in their standards of living, eg, not having things they normally would, or not going out as they would before
They don't have debit or credit cards and can't check their bank account balance
They seem socially withdrawn and different from before

From here

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2019/06/martin-lewis--financial-abuse--joint-accounts-and-managing-money/

There’s links to charities there too. And advice on why you should never let your partner look after all the finances, even in the happiest relationship.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Oh OP I feel so sad for you. Your mental health is important here. Like you said you worry about how you would cope with an abortion.You must think of your self first not trying to please others all the time. Your Mum said she would accept it if you decided to keep it. I think they would come round to the idea eventually.. you said you feel coerced and controlled by your family and that is not good. You will have to stand up to them at some point.hoping you can make a decision that is right for you . Hugs

Thank you Dodie66 - I am.amazed at the stuff that I have survived so far that life has thrown at me. Hopefully this will be something else that I get through ok.

I think that you have had lots to deal with and have done brilliantly. You will get through this. Yes you do need help but you are coping. Like I said do what you want not what other people want. Keep posting here for support. Hugs

What makes you think you wouldn't be eligible for PIP?

I have applied for PIP before to no avail. I was seen as being completely 'normal' and didn't really show any of my involuntary movements etc. Obviously it was also difficult to show any form of cognitive issues in the limited time that I had during the physical assessment.

I spoke to another friend about abortion and she said that her experience of one was highly distressing and she wishes she had never done it. She only had one owing to circumstances and says she would never do it again.

I am not looking forward to this weekend and making my final decision. I have a trip to EuroDisney booked for 3 weeks' time so need to make a definite decision before I go away then.

Your current situation is very close to home for me. Exactly a year ago I found myself pregnant with DC 3. Couldn’t afford it, everyone I trusted in my life encouraged an abortion. I didn’t. I couldn’t be happier now with my life, my three babies, everyone loves him so much. Money is tight and having three is hard but I am certain I made the right decision for me. I hope what ever you choose to do is the right decision for you 💖

Wishing you all the best Goodebe and very pleased to hear you made the right decision for you and your family. I am sure it will be for the best whatever I decide too.

OP, your DH's salary is family money.

He needs to show you everything he's spending. Why the hell is he paying £300 a month for a car loan? Time to get a cheaper car.

And I bet there's a lot you can do to rejig finances, to free up further money. Does he tell you he's spending all his salary on bills, or does he actually show you? Do you have any independent idea of household outgoings, or is your DH controlling all th as t?

@NooNooHead I get the feeling you want to keep it, even though you acknowledge it'll be difficult for you and others. That you are considering abortion to make it less difficult for others, but with a risk to how you will cope mentally.

Your feelings, your wishes, your needs are important in all this too. Don't neglect them. What is it you want?

I was all for sticking up for you until I read how much financial help you need of family, as upsetting as it is it is very selfish to ask them to care and pay for yet another child if yours that you cannot provide for? I'm very sorry you're in this awful situation but really there was nothing stopping both you and your dh taking precautions so these situations do not arise, unless you use the same excuse as many other posters , my dh refuses to wear condoms and I'm allergic to condoms and I'm sick of putting chemicals in my body? Then if that's the shitty situation abstain until you find a solution.

Raspberrytruffle I am aware of the selfishness of the situation IF I decide to keep it, and the impact that I will be having on my family.

Without sounding 'self indulgent' as my mum would say, I have always had chronic low self esteem and confidence ever since childhood. This improved massively after university but has since become a lot worse after my poor health during recent years.

Obviously I'm not using this as an excuse, but it all contributes to the general way of life and how I cope. My difficulties with my work after my head injury didn't help my confidence - I literally lost the ability to read properly, which wasn't great when you are a freelance copywriter, and it took me a long time (3 years) to feel anywhere near as confident as I had been pre-head injury.

With the greatest respect, my health has been pretty fragile over the past few years, and I haven't deliberately put myself in this situation whereby I have been incapacitated and unable to work to my full capacity.

I was planning on getting more work once my DS was at nursery, so I would be able to contribute to the family finances a bit better. I have no idea of all of my DH's outgoings, but he is a lot more financially astute than me so I trust him to organise and manage the financial side well.

ShawshanksRedemption I would like to keep it, yes, but am fully aware of the impact and implications it will have. I know it will be a difficult situation either way.

raspberrytruffle The Op is in an awful situation. You could have scrolled on by and said nothing. But you chose to kick a vunerable woman whilst she's down. Telling a mother that she is selfish for not wanting to kill her child. That is a shameful thing to do. Like many other women I have had to make that choice. Yes, I should have used protection. Believe me I learnt that lesson and I paid for my carelessness. This is not the time to lecture about contraceptives from your ivory tower.

I’m confused by the view that she would be selfish to stay pregnant.

Why is no one saying her husband and mother are selfish to persuade her to have an abortion against her will ?

I get that it’s not her mothers responsibility, fair enough. But her husband created this baby, same as she did. Yet she’s 100% responsible for dealing with the situation they BOTH created.

Her husband has several options to avoid an unwanted pregnancy and he chose not to take them.

I can’t believe how many posters here think that “ a woman’s right to choose “ actually means “ a woman’s obligation to do what her husband wants “.

Op, ignore people who are being so bloody mean. Of course you're not selfish.

Theres a major issue in your last post:

I’ve no idea of all of my dh’s outgoings, but he is a lot more financially astute than me so I trust him to organise and manage the financial side well.

Absolutely nothing you've posted suggests this is true. You need to be more involved with the finances. Look through all the accounts. Why do you need financial help every week for basics if he is managing money well?