Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Time may be passing and I bet she hears every tick on the clock. I think comments like that are unhelpful as she is aware of that more than anyone and doesn't need to be told on here. If @noonoohead needs time to think she has to have that

But what would you do without parental help?

Well you need to ask her husband what he would do without parental help. Because its their money thats paying for his brand new BMW.

They are not in fact supporting the OP financially.

Op, you have time to think, reflect and ponder. Search YouTube for mindfulness videos. It is best to make an active decision and stick to it, but this is not something to rush. You can abort till you are 24weeks. Just because it is simpler to do it asap, it don't mean it is the best way to do it. When you bought your house, did you make the decision straight away or did you take a while to make a decision? Some people take time when buying a house and others go with gut instinct. That is normal. Just like some people take time to make sure there decision is right one for them at that moment. Sit, relax and think. Write your thoughts down, do a list for pro and con. Write down on paper how all the possible scenarios would play out. Which one would make you least unhappy? A lot of people are happy to downgrade whilst others would struggle with it. Would it be possible to find a lodger for the spare room? If you rent out your spare room, check out the small print of your mortgage. Of course do the obligatory safety checks before allowing strangers access to your home.

Another thing, having an abortion does not always save marriages. I never had one, but two freinds of mine have. The first one her marriage got stronger and the second one ended very soon afterwards. The diffrences was one didn't pressure her and she felt listened to. The other one felt pressure and manipulated into one and resentment broke them up.

Op, you have time to think, reflect and ponder. Search YouTube for mindfulness videos. It is best to make an active decision and stick to it, but this is not something to rush. You can abort till you are 24weeks. Just because it is simpler to do it asap, it don't mean it is the best way to do it. When you bought your house, did you make the decision straight away or did you take a while to make a decision? Some people take time when buying a house and others go with gut instinct. That is normal. Just like some people take time to make sure there decision is right one for them at that moment. Sit, relax and think. Write your thoughts down, do a list for pro and con. Write down on paper how all the possible scenarios would play out. Which one would make you least unhappy? A lot of people are happy to downgrade whilst others would struggle with it. Would it be possible to find a lodger for the spare room? If you rent out your spare room, check out the small print of your mortgage. Of course do the obligatory safety checks before allowing strangers access to your home.

Another thing, having an abortion does not always save marriages. I never had one, but two freinds of mine have. The first one her marriage got stronger and the second one ended very soon afterwards. The diffrences was one didn't pressure her and she felt listened to. The other one felt pressure and manipulated into one and resentment broke them up.

Number I think don't think that's very helpful advice - The OP would clearly not go anywhere near an abortion anywhere close to 24 weeks!

Thinking of you today OP. Hope the counselling appt proves useful.

@sweetmotherog I didn't say wait until excatly 24weeks, but reminded her that yes, there is time to consider her options carefully without to much pressure. This is not a decision to make in haste. I rather she made a decision and slept on it and go for it when she is clear this is the choice she picked for herself and family. She is picking between a rock and a hard place. So let her go for it with a stronger mind. By it, I mean whatever, she decide. It is her choice and she would need take ownership of it. So why not wait until she has more clarity? That is why I think the counselling she is going to is a very good idea.

Number I do of course agree in theory but I think it's very clear the OP would consider anything above a certain gestation a complete no no.

She's struggling with emotive feelings towards an embryo, it's more than just a little fetus at 24 weeks, even 12 weeks.

I think the Op does actually need to be cautious of time as it may hinder what she chooses, all down to being upset about killing a 'baby'.

I support abortion for any reason so it's not because I'm against a later abortion whatsoever. But the OP won't allow a later abortion, I think that's very clear. So a decision needs to be made fairly quickly

*So why not wait until she has more clarity?
*
Erm, because someone inside her is growing and developing by the second, and the longer it's left, the bigger and more awful a business it would be to 'terminate' that life? OMG. Cannot really believe you're telling OP she has the luxury of mulling this over for weeks.

Surely the point is she had immediate clarity? She wants another child and wants this one, but her family are pressurising her to think it's a bad idea. ?

Have you no concept whatsoever of the moral confliction in doing everything to save babies born at 22 weeks (when they are called babies) and aborting 'fetuses' at 24 weeks??? That only happens in severely difficult medical circumstances so don't tell the OP she's got all that time. Just not true. You can't have an abortion at 24 weeks because otherwise you wouldn't be able to afford your BMW. Can you?!!! My god I hope not.

I think Noo has clarity.

She wants to keep the baby.

The problem is people around her are totally against it.

Even if she was able to come up with a plan and allay their fears I think their mind is made up.

Either way I don’t see the marriage surviving.

If she keeps the child and sorts out exactly where the missing £650 is being spent and starts wfh or when the younger children are older and can go to nursery getting a p/t or even f/t job there is a tiny chance that the marriage will survive if the dh lives this 3rd child.
Otherwise either the dh will feel resentment if the pregnancy progresses or Noo will on being made to abort a child she desperately wanted and I don’t see the marriage surviving long term.

Her Dp can then go on to have more children with someone else and Noo will either have got the baby she wants or have a life long regret that she didn’t stand firm in what she wanted.

The financial aspect is a distraction. Noo and her dh are not exactly broke.
The money is there it just isn’t being handled correctly.

As above it isn’t a case about how Noo would cope without her parents money but how her dh would pay for his car if the parents money suddenly became unavailable

@Oliversmumsarmy I agree with you 100% although I like to think the marriage won't end over it- DH is getting an awful lot out of this marriage, after all!

How're you doing @NooNooHead ?

Well you need to ask her husband what he would do without parental help. Because its their money thats paying for his brand new BMW.

They are not in fact supporting the OP financially

It seems like everyone is supporting the OP financially, apart from the OP.
But hey, they’re the bad guys....🤷‍♀️

It seems like everyone is supporting the OP financially, apart from the OP.
But hey, they’re the bad guys

Do you mean Noos dh is supporting her.

I have never been married but I thought that was in the marriage vows. In sickness and in health.

The parents have paid for the deposit on his car and the payments on his car.

And on looking at the bank statements there is £650 unaccounted for each month.

How much support the parents give their Dd is questionable

I think Noo has a role in the family to do what she is told and don’t ask questions.

The problem has arisen because she wants to keep something that her parents and dh disapprove of because of how they feel and as she has confirmed, neither of them has ever asked her what her thoughts are

Noo I know your parents say they support you but what exactly do they do if they are giving the money directly or indirectly to your dh.

Why didnt they give you the deposit to buy you, their Dd a better car and your dh drive around in your car. I find it strange they gave the money to your dh to change his car.

I come from a really dysfunctional family where because we all lived under the same roof lines were blurred on what people did.

When I was about to move out at 16 my mother said she gave me so much support and if I left that support would be gone and I would not manage.

When I asked her what support had she ever given me she replied with things she had done which benefitted other people not me.
Eventually after going through things and not finding one thing that she had actually done she exploded and said I shouldn’t be questioning her and she had done loads of stuff for me and I should accept that.
She also said I would be back within a few weeks because i wouldn’t be able to cope on my own without her support and I would find it very difficult to pay bills and live on my own as it was a very difficult thing I was doing and I was too young to understand these things

I found it very easy living on my own and I have never been back.

Sometimes people saying they support you when you analyse the support you find they support others not you

That only happens in severely difficult medical circumstances so don't tell the OP she's got all that time. Just not true. You can't have an abortion at 24 weeks because otherwise you wouldn't be able to afford your BMW. Can you?!!! My god I hope not.

Yes, you can. You can have an abortion for social or personal reasons up until 24+0. That's the cut off point. There is no limit beyond that for an abortion on severe medical grounds.

Erm, because someone inside her is growing and developing by the second, and the longer it's left, the bigger and more awful a business it would be to 'terminate' that life? OMG. Cannot really believe you're telling OP she has the luxury of mulling this over for weeks.

Once again you're projecting! Clearly.

It's not 'awful business' at all, for thousands of women. For some it's just a slight inconvenience comfort wise and is a HUGE relief. Nothing 'awful' about it.

And that 'life' inside OP has no rights or consideration as this is OP's choice and if she sees it fit to decide in a few weeks or more that abortion is definitely right for her, so be it.

I dont know anyone whose had an termination after 12 weeks not find it traumatic tbf, even if they were completely sure it was the right thing to do. Early terminations are much less physically intrusive.

Barbra I have. Very sad set of circumstances surrounding it but it was fine. Again though, that's just my experience. Everyone will be different but most are okay with it (read the feedback BPAS gets)

@BarbariansMum

I do know women who have terminated later and not found it traumatic. It is not the case for all or even most women necessarily so best not to project our own feelings onto it.

@NooNooHead I hope you have found your appointment helpful as to what you decide. I have read the whole thread and don't envy you your decision as either way you will probably feel a loss.

I am not going to offer an opinion on your choice but I did want to ask you something. Regardless of how you proceed, do you want to try and rejig your family finances so that you are less dependent on your parents. It may also help you feel more in control if you can do this. Again I don't want to judge, but from the information you've posted, there are much better options available that would save you all money. It really sounds like you and your DH are floundering.

Re the car - you might be able to swap it for an older model/cheaper option with the dealer to reduce the payments. My DB has done that before. And will it be big enough for a family of 5?

Best of wishes to you.

I don't think op has clarity and this is not a light decision. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to come to a decision that will impact and threaten her marriage and her relationship with her parents. It is a huge decision that can have very bad consequences for her.
If you going to try and persuade you dh to keeping the pregnancy and financial difficulties is his main reason against it, then why not come up with plans to show him that it is not correct? Send the kids to the grandparents while you and your dh go through your finance properly together and see where any savings could be made. Would it be feasible for you to rent out your spare room? You could even pretend they are aui pair to the outside world. But start your search soon and do criminal checks on them. That can give you a bit of breathing space finacially. Your mother has proven her mind can be changed. So I would focus on her next. Then your father.
Abortion is only a choice if you want it and go without being forced into it. Right now I doubt you thinking straight. There is so much emotional blackmail by the people who supposed to love you the most. What is best for you op? Only you know.

Hi there everyone, thanks again for your support.

I went to the appointment and found it quite difficult to be honest. When the lady asked me why I wanted to have an abortion, I told her there were the logical reasons for doing it but the emotional reasons were all holding me back. It was bloody embarrassing as I started crying and felt like it was a bit ridiculous but I couldn’t suppress my feelings and pretend they didn’t exist.

I had an internal scan showing that I measured 8w1d so I was accurate in how far along I am.

The midwife was really kind and told me to go home and think about what I really want, as it will be important to decide what it best for me as I will be the only person who has to live with my decision. She told me that she couldn’t give any persuasion either way but that she didn’t want me to make a rash decision and come back to have the abortion and then regret it.

She said I had up to 10 weeks to have a medical one and up to 13 to have a surgical one.

I will post some more responses in a bit, am just getting my DD a snack after school.

Hi NooNooHead

Well done for going and I'm sorry as it sounds like it was quite exhausting emotionally. I'm really glad the midwife was nice. I think the most important thing out of all of this (and all these also quite exhausting comments!) is that you should feel no pressure. The midwife was giving you the most helpful advice. Just forget about what anyone else thinks, and go with your feelings. Because this is about you. And in a few months or years, you will be totally alone with your choice right now. I hope you feel how there are people around you (like the midwife) and out here (us) who are always here for you. X

NooNoo. I was thinking of you today.

OP, there is no need to feel embarrassed. The staff there are used to people getting emotional. It's a highly emotive business going there at all. I'm glad the midwife was kind and helpful. And she is right, nobody can tell you what to do. So please don't let them.