Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

For economical reasons I was pushed into an abortion I didn't want. I was put under so much pressure I went along and did it. Nothing prepared me for the crushing sadness and guilt to say nothing of the resentment I felt towards my partner. I wish I had been stronger. My advice would be to listen to your instincts and do what feels right for you. Whatever you chose, it's your body and no one can force you either way. It takes two to make a baby but once you are pregnant, the choice is solely yours. Good luck whatever you decide.

whenpushcomestoshove I’m sorry that happened to you but can I show you the other side? Bringing a child into the world who is unwanted by at least the Dad. Not having the money to provide for that child. Not having the support to raise that child.
This to me is far worse and you have the mother and child suffering. I think anyone forcing a women to have an abortion is disgusting but there are so many who have a romanticized view of being pregnant and having a baby... The reality can be horrendous. Sometimes doing what you feel is wrong is actually right

@OkPedro I could not disagree with you more.

It is the OPs decision alone, and she does not have to make an active decision at all. She certainly can simply do nothing and continue with her pregnancy if she wishes. It is not a joint decision with her DH. His only choice was to ejaculate in her or not, and he made that decision already. That is not a value judgment, it is simply biology.

And the OP should do what she feels is right and right for her. She has to live with this choice, not you. It is her body and life.

It is the OPs decision alone, and she does not have to make an active decision at all. She certainly can simply do nothing and continue with her pregnancy if she wishes.

Of course she can but what happens if that decision leads to the break down of the marriage, they lose their home, her parents refuse to support her either practically or financially and she's left to cope with 3 children and a disability on her own?

Do you not think she might struggle with the decision to do nothing?

OkPedro whilst the father might not want anything to do with the 3rd child as has been pointed out the money side isn't quite as dire as it first sounds.

Noonoohead is trying to work out where £650 per month is being spent after her dh asked her to go through the bank statements. She isn't privy to his credit card statement though.

Even if they divorced I think that they would be both better off financially.

Even if her dh got a local job on less money it would mean they would then be entitled to benefits and the cost of keeping his job in London would no longer be needed

There is money there without her parents being involved it is just atm not being handled right.

I think saying losing the home is quite emotive.

They might sell the house if they divorce and both will walk away with a chunk of equity but neither party will be exact exactly on the breadline. Even with 3 children,
In fact I think they would be better off financially splitting up.

And as for doomsday scenarios - what if (as a definite risk if someone ends their pregnancy against their wishes), Mummy can't stop crying for six months and suffers PTSD and crippling anxiety so she's too traumatised even to go for a walk to the park??

Thinking of existing DC, how good would that be for them? Obviously disastrous for everyone. And although some people here are saying that's nonsense, others (in particular those who've been through it), are trying to make the very valid point that the lifelong after-effects of abortion without your heart being in it can be devastating.

TBH I made a mistake in detailing how the actual process was bad for me - that's a red herring. The main point is the grief you're left with. After 29 years, it's unchanged. Yes, I get on with it and don't think about it, in the same way as my father having died, and other close people, but there is a peculiar and singular pain to the grief for a real child who I never got to see, never to hold and cherish, never to say how much I love. The hard ones on here will say I'm sentimentalising and goodness knows what l. But that's what is in my heart. I don't care if they say it's bollocks. It's not their life, and not their child.

Whenpushcomestoshove ❤️

Hey I think I've got a new thread for us to start ...

*New MN rule: on pregnancy choice discussions, only those who've had abortions are allowed to post replies.
*
😅 JOKING

(only those who've been through it, or those who haven't but have the inintelligence and imagination and wisdom and humility to respect what those who've been through it are trying to speak up about)

(the rest aren't qualified)

It's like midwives who've never given birth offering you a paracetamol and telling you to get on with it. Some things you really can't totally get until you've been there yourself.

Wow I have an even better idea - why is there just pro-life and pro-'choice'? A bit like only having the Tories and Labour. Let's start up a new party .... abortion veterans who were persuaded it was the best option against their better judgement and then did it and realised it wasn't?!

What shall we call ourselves? Pro-hibition?? Prevention is better than cure?

Solidarność Sisters?

?

There should really be a place for our voices.

Lottelupin why don't you go and make your own thread? You're shouting all over this thread and derailing it by arguing with people about your own opinions and your experiences. I think by now we all know where you stand and what your opinions are.

You do realise this thread isn't about you? This is Nooo's thread. Perhaps you should back off and give her a chance to speak. But no doubt you will come back to argue with me about this...

@lottelupin Let's start up a new party .... abortion veterans who were persuaded it was the best option against their better judgement and then did it and realised it wasn't?! What shall we call ourselves? Pro-hibition?? Prevention is better than cure?

Erm, this exists already. The anti-abortion campaigners absolutely thrive on these stories. 'Abortion regret' is pretty much their stock-in-trade. Really surprised that you haven't discovered this yet.

@NooNooHead
That is the thing, Oliversmumsarny, I have let myself stay in the child role. I don't know what pop psychology term you would use or how Freud would have viewed it, but perhaps the co-dependency has stemmed from an insecure attachment from my childhood. I don't like myself for it really.

You're right and you need to know, before you go for the abortion counselling appt tomorrow, that they will not tell you what to do. You can't go in in the 'child role' and expect to be directed. I have been through abortion counselling more than once. (and made different decisions each time, due to differences in my own personal circumstances) I think it's clear that you're expecting to be passive in the appt and expect that they will direct you one way or another. They won't. Trust me on this. They will not push you at all either way. It is still going to have to be one hundred per cent your decision and you hve to actually make that decision, not wait for anyone else to do it for you.

*You do realise this thread isn't about you?
*
I have given NooNoo my advice and shared my experience. Several people have made the point that she cane here for support in possibly continuing her pregnancy despite family pressure and she got called names and told to stop being selfish and have an abortion. That didn't feel supportive, to say the least.

My posts this morning were slightly exasperated because some of us here have tried, with raw honesty, to tell NooNoo how it felt for us, so she can make a more informed decision. But your comments, as others', just prove the point that we are vilified fir speaking up.

NooNoo will take from this what she needs. She knows it'so all up to her. She wanted more info and I am glad some of us have been able to give it.

I don't really mind whoever shouts at us and tries to make us feel ashamed and as if we are making it about us (or me about me). I'd someone says 'shall I have an abortion?' I will tell them my experience and they can draw their own conclusions. Bh default telling my experience involves talking about me. But actually what I was saying was that several people on here are better qualified than others to tell NooNoo what it's like.

I'm not starting another thread because what's the point - it's always just an excuse for abusing people to have a go. That certainly won't help NooNoo.

@lottelupin I am sorry to hear about your bad experiences, but I think there is a big chance that your projection on this thread is unfair on the OP and seems like emotional pressure on her. She has enough of that from people telling her to abort.

She knows she will potentially suffer emotionally and mentally if she terminates. I am sure every woman does, even if they feel it's the right decision for them. You don't need to ram that home to her. She is struggling enough, and being pressured from all sides. Give her a break.

If you are struggling with your own issues, please start a support thread of your own. I mean this kindly.

I would add that this is such a personal situation to the OP (and very woman thinking about such a choice), that nobody else's experiences really count, as varied and valid as they are.

I've just read the whole thread in one sitting. I must say OP that you come across to me as an incredibly thoughtful and intelligent woman. You've had a horrible few years and are clearly (and understandably) struggling, but you have impressive self awareness and really do seem to be doing your best to see things from all angles. You come across as very mature to me.

I think people are being unfair to judge you for your reluctance to do something that you are clearly fundamentally opposed to doing. You can clearly see the logical arguments for termination and are trying to convince yourself of them, but that doesn't really help when (I suspect based on what you've said) your heart and every instinct is screaming at you not to do it.

I don't think your DH is being very fair or helpful.

I actually think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and you just need to believe in yourself a bit more and take control of your life. Whatever decision you make, pour over the bank statements, check yourself where savings can be made. The Moneysavingexpert website is excellent. Your Sky/TV/internet is an obvious one where you could be saving. Check all your utilities yourself. You are clearly intelligent and I think it is time you started believing in your abilities and take back control. There is no reason why you can't educate yourself financially, and I'm sure you would feel better for being more in control.

Good luck

Thank you @squee123 - your message was lovely. I am feeling quite down about things this morning after I spoke to one of my neighbours and found she is expecting her first which is due in April. Obviously this is lovely news and I am happy for her.

If I do go ahead with the termination, I will be watching her pregnancy from afar with a bit of sadness though knowing that I would have been due a month after. I know that clearly that isn't a reason to continue the pregnancy but it will make it a bit harder for me after if I do terminate.

@noonoohead. I have been in your situation only a week ago. I decided to terminate at 6 weeks and 6 days. I had many reasons to do so. It isn't a clear cut decision to make because its one of the hardest things to do. In your heart you know you will make the right decision no matter how hard it is. Part of me regrets going through with it but I think its a bit of grieving process. I was worried about how I would feel about seeing babies and pregnant woman and yes it does make you remember but if you and you alone decide its the best decision you can make you will get through it. There is counciling avaliable during your decisions making process. In my heart I knew what I had to do even though it was heartbreaking. You are a strong woman and only you are incharge of your own body and mind. I hope you find peace with what ever your decision is.... Sending love x

@MedusaMomma thank you for your reply too. I am so sorry to hear of your recent abortion - you sound very strong and brave. Can I ask if it was very difficult for you to come to the decision to terminate or did you know deep down that it was the best thing to do?

I am being overly emotional today - I know that I mentioned that I heard about my neighbour's pregnancy but I also had s message from my friend saying she had gone into labour with her first too.

Of course, that is life and it goes on regardless of loss, death and trauma that happens. I should probably try to distance myself a bit from triggering things but I know that I can't avoid all pregnant women and babies forever.

@noonoohead I made the decision based on what I thought was right and yes it was difficult but I knew I had to. It sounds to me like you have made your mind up in your heart. Posting on here can be filled with lots of people aggressively telling you there opinions but no ones life is black and white. Its also filled with caring people who do have some insight into what these situations are like. One thing I did before I made my decision was to face babies, baby clothes and all of those things so when I had my gut reaction I knew what I wanted in my mind.

I think it is also wort trying to focus on more than just the pregnancy/baby, and the longer term.

I decided on a term action years ago. In fact I then discovered it was ectopic. I would have loved another DC but the circumstances meant it was not possible.I have no regrets now, and have not suffered physiologically in anyway. This is not to put pressure on you at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all women suffer trauma either long or short term.

I agree. If you make that decision based on the right reasons you will make your peace with yourself. I still think I made the right choice for me but getting used to it is a bit slower for me because of other factors in my life right now. Have you rang about making an appointment or to speak to a Councillor?

Time is passing - a decision needs to be made, frankly.

Time is passing - a decision needs to be made, frankly

Does it though.

Um, yes. Because if the OP is keeping the pregnancy then she needs to sort her finances out so she can cope when her parents pull the plug.