Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Many women have abortions. It is a straightforward procedure and they are not traumatised. To bring some balance.

@mspavlichenko . I can understand someone saying "many women have a rotting tooth removed. It's a straightforward procedure" . but ending a human life? Surely that is a momentous thing and not something anybody would find easy to do? Or maybe they look at the pregnancy more as some kind of cancerous tumour than as a potential baby?

I can't offer advice decision wise as everyone else has pretty much covered it well. However I just want to say that before, I think, 10 weeks the procedure is a lot easier. It is done by 2 lots of medication and then you wait... I won't go into anymore detail. Some have cramps, some don't - I didn't. There's about 2-6 weeks of bleeding afterwards.

I'm absolutely not saying this to encourage, god no. Just wanted to make sure you were aware of this info.

Chakra2 I think it's often seen as a kind of slightly more involved/stressful last method of contraception.

Yes, with the tablets and miscarrying at home I guess it's much more do-able.

Well when an unplanned pregnancy happens you make life changes so that you CAN afford it. You can try to increase your income/decrease your expenses, etc

But the op doesn't appear to be in a position to do that does she?

After all, they can't currently afford to feed the existing children so if her increasing their income was an option why haven't they already done so?

Her parents are well within their rights to withdraw support.

The husband can also say that he wants to leave the marriage, which anyone can do for any or no reason.

So the op has decisions to make. Is she able to care for 3 children with maintenance and benefits if necessary? What she can't do is insist that her parents support her financially, practically or emotionally. She has to make this decision as a grown up.

And it's often seen as a matter of simple practicality. It doesn't work to have a baby now.

Having had an abortion and two further children, I now see it as a matter of morality. In the same way I wouldn't trample roses or do lots of other things that don't respect life and beauty, I can't condone abortion. Practicality is secondary to morality.

When women come on here with doubts/severe reservations, asking if it's ok/can one live with an abortion, I am not going to lie to them In my honest opinion and experience, for me it's not an option. I'm not telling them what to do. I'm adding my small voice to everyone else's, so someone can reflect on our wide variety of views and decide what's right for her.

@Mum2Jenny . Agree 100%

chakra2
It is not ending a human life. It is terminating an unwanted or non viable pregnancy.

@lottelupin

I totally agree with you, luv. If a woman is totally sure she wants to get an abortion then fair enough.
But if a woman really doesn't want an abortion but feels pressured to have one it is absolutely grotesque and immoral to start bullying and shaming her into getting rid of her baby. What the actual f*ck?!!

I sometimes wonder if those who bully women in such a situation have had terminations themselves and deep down regret it and are somehow shifting their own "stuff" onto another person?

I would never have an abortion. And . yes I've been in a position where I've been pregnant and in a very difficult situation. However, an acquaintance of mine once had an abortion and she chose me to support her through it. She was so absolutely sure that she wanted to terminate and that's fine. I supported her and she said I was a great help to her. But a woman who really doesn't want to get rid, it's absolutely shocking to try to coax her into aborting her child. I'm actually seriously shocked by some of these comments

To be clear I am not advising the OP one way or another. It is her decision.

Yes chakra I totally agree and am similarly deeply saddened/shocked by it.

I think prevention is key. We should take a whole new look at how we teach and guide young people. Saying abortion is an option isn't helpful to them, I think. Yes it needs to be there in certain circumstances, but we should be teaching them from kids that it's something to be avoided at all costs.

If we look it square on and say exactly what it is and what's involved, and have real figures about post-abortion effects, then I imagine most kids would naturally not ever want to have to do it.

We need to educate differently. We should be aiming to reduce the abortion figures annually. We should have a plan.

Many women have abortions. It is a straightforward procedure and they are not traumatised. To bring some balance

Those Many women choose to have an abortion.

The op feels like she is being forced to have an abortion.

What about the women who don’t choose to have an abortion and are forced into it.

Are you saying there trauma isn’t worth mentioning because they are the minority.

I think the financial side of this is a bit of a red herring as the op and her dh are not exactly poor.
There are different ways that they could save money and bring more money into the household and there should be no reason for NooNooHead and her dh to be accepting money each month from her parents.

NooNooHead did you find out what the £650 per month was being spent on?

If the financial aspects were sorted I think a lot of the parents objections would go away.

Her husband is more worried about mess and noise.

I presume primarily because he wfh 2 days per week.

I know you are not wanting him to go away for longer but could he go back to working 5 days per week and that way he wouldn’t have the objection for toys and noise being around the house whilst he worked.

Although he doesn’t seem to have got used to the fact that the children he has already are noisy and messy. One more isn’t going to make that much difference.

Ultimately though NooNooHead this is about what you want.

This is about what your gut is telling you.

Not what on paper is the right thing to do or the logical thing to do or what someone else is telling you to do or even what your head is telling you you should do because it makes sense.

It is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you to go down a certain path in life even when all the signs say that the sensible decision is to go the other way.

Occasionally I have come to a crossroad in my life.

I have always gone with my gut and it has always worked out and been the best thing to happen to me even if at the time it seemed to be the most stupid thing anyone could do.

Only once have I let my head over rule my gut. On paper if I had gone with my gut I would have been mugging off someone who gave me a lot of work and the future would be bleak. But if I went with my head the future looked assured.

As it happens everything went wrong and I have ended up worse off than if I had leapt into the unknown. It has over the years caused me huge issues in my family and business and it is my one biggest regret.

I remember the day and remember agreeing to the decision like it was yesterday and my gut screaming at me No.

If you go ahead with an abortion just make sure it is what you feel deep in your gut is the right thing to do.
Not because on paper it is the most sensible decision or it is what other people want or you are second guessing outcomes. It has to be what you deep down want because if you fall apart afterwards then you could all end up in a worse situation.

I am a firm believer of it being your body so your decision and no one else’s

Yes it needs to be there in certain circumstances, but we should be teaching them from kids that it's something to be avoided at all costs

This!

Olivrrsmum 110% agree.

If OP goes against her gut then afterwards it could very likely be far worse for all of them - her, her children, DH, parents. So maybe she has to choose between worst case scenarios:

What's more bearable -

Addressing financial issues? Making some hard decisions and assessing/changing DH's spending
Or
OP possibly having a breakdown?

Maybe both options risk breakdown. I don't know. NooNoo needs to go with her instincts as on paper nothing adds up.

lottelupin

All of your previous post is simply your opinion and conjecture. No one should be forced to have an abortion they don't want. No one should be forced to continue a pregnancy they don't want either.

"Having had an abortion and two further children, I now see it as a matter of morality. In the same way I wouldn't trample roses or do lots of other things that don't respect life and beauty, I can't condone abortion. Practicality is secondary to morality."

You clearly had a horrendous experience 30 years ago @lottelupin but practices have changed a lot since then. It's fair enough for you to see it as a matter of morality but not everyone needs to feel the same way. Practically is equally, if not more, important.

Can I remind people this is not a pro/anti anything debate in abstract. This is a woman in a difficult situation seeking support.

And she has been vilified, not for wanting to terminate, but for not wanting to. And there has been some bullying on here. I'm glad to see the OP has stood up for herself.

OP, it's now time to find your voice, and talk plainly with your DH and parents, about what you want/don't want, and about finances.

And for the PP wh suggested to take them to the BPAS counselling appointment for a round table discussion...WTAF? I hope you were being sarcastic.

Thank you again for all your replies.

@BendyLikeBeckham thank you for your kind message. I am going to talk to my DH and Dp after my consultant on Tuesday. I truly hope that I can come to a decision that I am happy with. I will be doing a lot of soul searching over the next few days.

OP, just so you're aware, BPAS won't allow anyone at all in with you for the first half of the consultation. It's completely private to start off with but you're welcome to bring anyone you like in afterwards and for the scan, etc

They won't show you the scan, and even if you ask you won't be shown the actual scan. You can have a copy of the photo though
If you'd like x

And for the PP wh suggested to take them to the BPAS counselling appointment for a round table discussion...WTAF? I hope you were being sarcastic

Yes I was. Since so many posters here seemed to think it was a committee decision, where everyone’s opinion had equal weight.

And I would be interesting to see how forthcoming the parents and husband were about what the OP should do with her own body In front of a witness .

I suspect there would be a lot of back tracking.

I’m surprised that the Ops parents aren’t more pro adoption, give that they have benefitted from that in the past. And once the babu is born, they would be able to explain all their compelling arguments ( for not keeping the baby and placing it for adoption ) to friends and family, including the OPs children.

Because if they are good reasons and they are right and the OP is wrong, then everyone will agree with them and the OPs husband.

ATM its being treated as the OPs dirty secret that she needs to fix.

Ultimately this is your decision and only your decision and whilst you might want to discuss what You want to do with your dh I think your parents don’t need to be in the discussion otherwise I think you could end up being “ganged up on”

If they don’t agree with you

Oliver - she’s already ganged up on. Even on this thread - her own thread which she started for support. And said in the title that she DIDNT want an abortion and felt pressured.

Poster after poster have called her names - incredibly selfish, lazy, a cheeky fucker, entitled, stupid, emotionally immature, childish, manipulative, spoilt and a passive victim. And tried to pressurise her even more to obey her husband and parents.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

All this vitriol for a women who wants the right to decide what happens on her own body.

It’s a very poor show really, to have this here on MN.

@0lga Thank fuck you were joking! I should have scrolled back to see who made the comment, and then I would have realised. I was reading quickly and getting outraged even quicker! You've been incredibly supportive.

OP, I hope you get clarity at the appointment. Though you seem to know what you want already. You know you don't have to justify your choice to anyone, not here or IRL.

Is there a friend you can take to the appointment for support? An unbiased one? Perhaps not the one complaining you were boring her with your understandable angst.

I've read through every post on this thread, and I feel for you op.
Can I just highlight a few points that leap out to me from this?

Why on earth were you not using contraception knowing your precarious financial and health position - and I mean both of you here . Were you subconsciously hoping to fall pregnant again?

Your original post was 22 September , we're now at 6 October . Are you running down the clock to have the decision taken out of your hands?

I am aware and understand your worries re your mental health should you go for termination. Have you given equal weight to any worries of you suffering pnd or other mental health issues following a birth. It also appears that you are still struggling with physical issues, how would this impact on your ability to look after 3 rather than 2 children?

You rely currently heavily on your parents, how do you see this going forward? They are getting older (as we all are!) can this help be guaranteed both financially and physically? It may be that they might need help from you in the future.

The elephant in the room, your finances and your husbands organisation of them - I don't think he's being abusive as pp have said, it's more you have been very passive and he probably needs a swift kick to be more proactive in reorganisation . Having said that though I think appearances seem to mean a lot to him, is this important in his work?

Your DH does not seem to be on board re a 3rd dc- how do you see this panning out? Please don't fall for all the once the baby is here it'll be fine stuff, it might be, but on the other hand you could face a marriage filled with resentment from him, you must factor this in, he's allowed not to want another ( although he should've made sure it didn't happen as again you seemed to be being curiously passive about the contraception situation )
Please make an active decision, don't let time make it for you , that will lead to too many what ifs down the line , whatever decision you end up making at least you and DH chose your course of action
Good luck for the future