Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

it is out of line for people to imply I am selfish for wanting to continue the pregnancy or that it is so much better to have an abortion.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but how can choosing to continue a pregnancy when you can't even afford to feed your existing children not be selfish? Who exactly does continuing this pregnancy benefit apart from yourself? Im not saying that your pregnancy should HAVE to benefit other people for it to be a good idea, but continuing the pregnancy will almost definitely make everyone in your family's lives more difficult, including your own. I'm not sure the baby's life would be all roses if you can't even afford to feed it. You're not considering the unborn baby's quality of life either.

I'm all for pro choice and I would never force someone to have an abortion. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't consider putting your own desires above your young family's welfare poor parenting. I think exactly the same about your DH's poor financial decisions with the expensive phone contract and car.

NooNoo - you can't get counselling from an abortion provider. They want you to have the abortion as they are a private business. :(

You need at least an independent counsellor.

No, you're not selfish for wanting to have your baby. No, nobody has the right to say that to you.

I'm sorry - there are many more on here who are pro-termination and you've ended up coming here for support from being forced into it against your will, and many here are just reinforcing that.

My advice is just respect your gut feeling, and if you want to go to talk to someone, go with your DH to talk to a financial advisor.

I have spoken to an independent pregnancy choices local counsellor that was recommended by my GP. She was very impartial and listened to all my views and she said that I should take into account my feelings along with the rest of my family's too. But she also said that there are often lots of women who are more inclined towards keeping the baby who still have abortions for the reasons we are discussing.

That's true, but it must be your decision, and you have to live with it. If you can that seems the easy option, but if not then it will not be easy at all.

I doubt anyone is protermination. We believe in choice for each woman in each situation.
I would come off this thread now and just try to get my head straight without interference. Just sit with your feelings for a day or two.
Good luck, whatever you decide

Sorry - it just struck a chord with me as I was effectively pressurised into it, and had PTSD and my whole life affected. Big time. So I was just trying to help you avoid that. You could end up in such a breakdown that your 3 kids are more harmed by that than they would be by having an additional sibling. I don't know you, and nobody can know how you'd feel after, but after is forever.. Knowing what I know, personally I wouldn't risk the devastation. But I only mention it as your instinct was not to do it.

you can't get counselling from an abortion provider. They want you to have the abortion as they are a private business. :(

That's a lie, a complete and utter lie. Counselling is offered by abortion providers such as bpas and Marie Stopes and is readily available. They wouldn't want someone to have an abortion unless that person wanted one themselves!

Why do you think it's acceptable to spout such shite to suite your own agenda?

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but how can choosing to continue a pregnancy when you can't even afford to feed your existing children not be selfish? Who exactly does continuing this pregnancy benefit apart from yourself? Im not saying that your pregnancy should HAVE to benefit other people for it to be a good idea, but continuing the pregnancy will almost definitely make everyone in your family's lives more difficult, including your own. I'm not sure the baby's life would be all roses if you can't even afford to feed it. You're not considering the unborn baby's quality of life either.

This 1000 times over

*Sweet mother

It's a lie!
Why do you think you can spout such shite to suit your own agenda?
*
Extraordinary.

Why do you think it's ok to talk like that, knowing nothing of my experience?

So, I went for the BPAS 'counselling'. My experience of that is not a 'lie'. I don't feel like sharing it with someone as aggressive and toxic as you, though. Suffice to say, it was a perfunctory formality, at the very least. When my files were requested for investigation, they were mysteriously missing.

I won't say anymore. People come in here screaming and shouting, swearing and being abusive. I'm not interested in them. I didn't come here to speak to you.

NooNoo: as you or someone has said, in a household with two BMWs, there's no risk you won't be able to feed another child. I stand by my comment that finances can be reviewed and sorted out. I also stand by all my comments that if you don't consider termination an option, that should be respected by everyone. You're in a vulnerable position and I wanted to support you. I'm glad you had an independent counsellor and I hope you are supported by kind, neutral people.

*NooNoo
*
I've just re-read your posts and it's very clear you are swaying between the genuine worry of financial concerns and the equally real worry of the effect on your wellbeing and mental health of terminating.

You said on 23 Sep you had counselling and agreed to keep the child. You were supported by your mother, then that changed.

This is an awful situation, but someone said it: you'll be on your own with the grief. All I can offer is that I had PTSD and the most terrifying anxiety. But that's me.

Both ways seem hard for you. If you have the baby, you need support. If you don't, I'm very concerned how you'll cope. Adoption seems best. Maybe good to explore that further.

lotte You're putting down and making a very respectable charity look like baby killers and forced abortionists. It's simply not true.

Despite whatever experience you say you might've had, it isn't the case for the vast majority. Those who come to BPAS usually feel supported and not judged.
Continuing a pregnancy is supported and encouraged if a woman wants to keep her pregnancy.

BPAS will be over a hundred time more supportive of OP keeping this pregnancy than the posters on here saying it's certainly for the best to terminate, even though the decision isn't a clever one and it certainly isn't a wise one - BPAS really do 'trust women'.

Is there any benefits you would be entitled to? Can you work from home to boost your income? Either way you need to become more financially independent

*Sweetmother
*
Not sure how you feel justified in undermining my experience by saying you say you had. What possible reason would I have for not telling the truth?

I went for the first consultation st the BPAS. In Birmingham. I was 21. I was told to strip naked by a very off hand doctor who also touched my breasts. I felt absolutely violated but, not knowing what was acceptable, thought perhaps this is just what happens. He made me feel very dirty for having an unplanned pregnancy.

I didn't even see or meet the second doctor who signed off that it would cause me severe physical and or emotional harm and risk to life if I were to continue the pregnancy.

The counselling was about what the abortion would be like, but it didn't really go into detail. I burst into tears and said I didn't want to do it and wanted my baby. The counsellor said 'are you sure?' And I said yes and ran out crying.

Later my boyfriend persuaded me to return, and my parents had told me they'd do everything to support me if I had a termination, and nothing if I had the baby. I was a trainee journalist and I felt very alone. My boyfriend was emotionally abusive. I was given no safe option as I felt to have the baby, and in the end I decided it would be better for her not to come. (Mock me top for being certain she was a girl, but I was right with my other children, from 7 days, so I'm going with that) (I did ask the BPAS after for details but they'd taken her for medical research without my conscious consent).

I did think that when I went back to the clinic, they'd refuse to do it, because there was more than reasonable doubt that I'd be very upset by going through with it.

But no. As I was led down to the operating room (without my glasses and short sighted) I was crying and saying I didn't want to do it. The nurse said 'oh, just get on with it, girl'.

So don't presume to know others' experiences or say they aren't telling the truth. Of course I suffered horrific, disabling grief and PTSD, and it has affected my whole life.

You will say it's a one-off and not like that now. I say my daughter now is never going anywhere near an abortion clinic. I learnt the hard way.

I say my daughter now is never going anywhere near an abortion clinic. I learnt the hard way

Oh really, so how do you suppose she would Access an abortion then if she wanted one? Not all hospitals offer them and some refer straight to bpas or Marie Stopes

Sweetmother I'm going to report you for open abuse.

Everything I've described completely true. You have zero grounds for verbally abusing me. This happened in June 1990. The abortion was in Leamington Spa. When I eventually told my GP about some of it, he wanted to pursue investigation of the doctor and the BPAS said he'd been dismissed and apologised.

I don't know what the BPAS is like now.

How the hell is choosing to keep your 3rd child being "indulgent"?

A woman's body is HERS. Have we really reached a point where somebody could look at a pregnancy as a mild annoyance to get rid of, rather like getting a slightly problematic tooth extracted? I've never had one but I imagine abortion is a HUGELY stressful and traumatising thing to go through. How dare somebody tell you you're being indulgent

Hey thanks Chakra2 - you're totally right.

How the hell is choosing to keep your 3rd child being "indulgent"?

Surely it is indulgent if you can't afford to feed your existing children, let alone another one?

How can you say that grandparents have to pay for existing grandchildren plus another one? They have the right to say that they aren't going to.pay anymore.

Of course the op has the right to continue with the pregnancy but surely then she has the responsibility to figure out how to house, feed and clothe her children? She can't just expect the grandparents to do it.

I desperately wanted a 3rd child but we couldn't afford it. Should I have just gone ahead anyway and then told other people that they had to pay for it?

@lottelupin it sounds like you had an horrendous experience, but please keep in mind it was almost 30 years ago. Things have changed significantly in that time, and your experience of the service then bears no resemblance to how it is now.

I really regret having shared the details of my child's death with some of the contributors here. Signing out. Good luck, NooNoo.

@LotteLupin I am so sorry you had such a shocking and traumatising experience. I totally believe you. I applaud you for speaking up. It seems it's viewed as very politically-incorrect and uncool to suggest that abortion is potentially psychologically traumatising.

@TequilaPilates

Well when an unplanned pregnancy happens you make life changes so that you CAN afford it. You can try to increase your income/decrease your expenses, etc. If all else fails, there is adoption. I'm not suggesting abortion shouldn't be an option if that is 100% what the woman wants, but FFS it's not some random annoyance to just kill off, it's a potential human life.

Said I was going but thanks to you two kind people who've been supportive 😊

Yes, it's totally unacceptable to say you wouldn't have an abortion. Yes, my experience was beyond bad, but I know others who had similar experiences. Thank you because I usually don't say anything because as you say, it's seen as uncool and somehow stupid. I'm not stupid 😥

One point I will make through is that while yes, I'm sure it's approached differently nowadays, it was the sanitisation of it that really shocked me. That it could be ok to do that. That the medical establishment allowed it. I was so deeply shocked.

I know they deal differently with you now, but I kind of feel the actual fact of what's being done, and the grief afterwards, must still be the same.