Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Tequila I'm sorry you think I sound manipulative. It's the nature of expressing opinion. My reading of what the OP has said - that she is being forced to consider termination against her will - leads me to feel that it would be extremely wrong, whatever the material circumstances, to add to that pressure. I think she needs supporting to go with her gut. I knew that in saying so, I'd be accused of being pro life . I think that labelling isn't helpful. NooNoo is an individual, and deserves to be considered as such, not as part of a political argument one way or the other. This pregnancy is unique and if she feels forced into termination, this is a very serious situation, and any provider would be acting illegally to carry it through.

I'm all for counselling, but it needs to be entirely neutral, and respectful.

And if my opinion had been that termination is sensible - would that not also have been manipulative?

@lottelupin - that's an incredibly manipulative post. I had a 24 weeker & still believe in a woman's right to choose a termination if that's best for her.

OP, I would step away from this thread & rely on proper counselling in helping you decide what's best for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

And if my opinion had been that termination is sensible - would that not also have been manipulative?

Yes it would. Even more so if coupled with absolute assurances as you gave the op.

How can you promise that everything will work out if she has the baby? What if her husband leaves her, her parents turn their back on her and she's left to try to bring up 3 children on her own with little money and a chronic health condition? You just don't know all of the circumstances and so the only advice you should give is for the op to talk it through with a counsellor in real life and then make her own decision based on her own circumstances.

@lottelupin

I agree that your posts come across as very emotionally manipulative. You’re trying to give assurances that you simply can’t - unwanted/unplanned pregnancies have ruined many relationships and families before. You’re being quite cruel to promise that this wouldn’t be the case.

I think your whole language is wrong tbh. If OP ends up deciding on a termination then it surely won’t help when you are shouting from the rooftops to ‘protect the baby!’

I’m wholeheartedly pro choice but sometimes the choice has to be made knowing the potential consequences for both the mother and any existing family members. Don’t we all make decisions for the greater good or with your head instead of your heart? I’d love to relocate to a specific place, I have the biggest yearning to do it and feel really sad that I won’t ever live there again but it wouldn’t be of benefit to my children to do it and would be detrimental to their quality of lives. I’m not saying that a termination is as easy as making a decision to not move (because it isn’t, far from it) but sometimes we don’t always get to do what we want as parents.

That said, if the OP is determined to continue with the pregnancy then she has to do it knowing the potential impact on her current set up and existing DC. She needs to own her decision instead of waiting the clock out or hoping she can abdicate to a counsellor or DH.

OP, I’m pleased you have an appointment. I hope it brings you some much needed clarity but please look to make a decision soon, for your own sake.

NooNooHead, I've RTWT and the thing that sticks out to me is your DH and the money. Every Spidey sense is tingling. Who decided on the 4 bedroom house? Who decided he needed a BMW? Why has he got an extortionate phone contract? Any chance he's got a very posh handset?

Because if a couple living in a 4 bedroom house with two cars including a BMW can't afford another baby then who on earth can? Either the job in London is costing far, far too much to service or potentially there's an OW somewhere.

There's no way you're getting a fair share of the family income. None.

I agree with a PP that there's something very dodgy about your setup, probably financial abuse, and it's happened so gradually you haven't noticed.

You clearly want to keep this baby. It comes over loud and clear. If that's your gut feeling then I urge you to go for it. All the comments about possible harm to your existing DC ignore the fact that the same could be said about most other older siblings. People don't always have perfect circumstances when they conceive.

My feeling is that this pregnancy has accidentally brought to light some major issues in your marriage. Well, one. I think you're being abused. It may be that your DPs suspect this too. It would definitely explain their negativity.

Read the grounds on which a pregnancy can be terminated and say which applies to a woman who says she absolutely doesn't want to terminate:

I would never have suggested looking at the positives of not terminating if the OP hadn't said she felt forced the other way. She needs supporting in her decision - not undermining. What part of 'I'm being forced' is unclear?

The issue here is more the forcing than the actual decision.

How do you know that he is preventing himself from getting more money

Because he is on paper earning so much that they are prevented from getting any top ups from benefits. But he is spending so much more money on actually getting to and from the job it is leaving them short of money each month.

But then op has posted the income and outgoings and they aren’t exactly on the breadline so she is trying to still find out where the approximately £650 per month is going to given her parents pay another £300 per month to cover the cost of the car.

If he has been in the job a few years and given his age i can see why it would be a wrench to leave.
I can see that his pension might suffer depending on his employers input into his pension plan.

This is something you need to find out about

NooNooHead how are you now? Is your head injury still causing problems.

Why aren’t you on disability?

Is there any wfh you can do?

I bought and sold baby clothes when my dc were little.

My friend who is physically disabled as well as having a head injury (injuries from her ex husband) does Airbnb renting a room in her house to top up her disability.
This friend will never ever work in any paid employment again.

If your dh won’t leave his job or has perfectly valid reasons to stay I do think you need to sit down and sort your finances out.

I know you think your dh is more astute at finances and he says there is nothing you can cut back on but quite clearly you are both wrong.

As you put it yourself your parents have mollycoddled you and I get the impression that your husband has taken over from them and you haven’t got a grasp on the finances and the relationship.
Both with your parents and your husband it is still very much a parent child scenario and you have been looked after from day 1, shielded from bills etc and I think to a certain extent not knowing adds to your general anxiety.

There's a basic bottom line here that all posters should obviously be sticking to - nobody should be telling the OP what to do, by manipulation, guilt-tripping or any means. People telling the OP she would be selfish for going ahead with the pregnancy are bang out of order, as are the people telling her 'everything will be OK in the end, just have your baby'.

I personally also think it's out of line to tell the OP her husband is abusing her. Everyone keeps asking the OP why she 'hasn't gone over the finances with a fine tooth comb' yet people are also adamant that savings can be made, the husband is being selfish, if only he'd change his car, they could keep the baby. Unless you've been over the family's finances with a fine tooth comb yourself, how can you say for sure what savings can or can't be made?

Anyway, everything that can be said about this, has been said. The OP needs to make a decision because as someone pointed out, in some areas you don't just decide to have an abortion on Monday and by Tuesday it's over with, it can take weeks to get an appointment.

That is the thing, Oliversmumsarny, I have let myself stay in the child role. I don't know what pop psychology term you would use or how Freud would have viewed it, but perhaps the co-dependency has stemmed from an insecure attachment from my childhood. I don't like myself for it really.

There. I have said it. I find it pretty pathetic at my age to be so reliant on others financially, and to not be mature enough emotionally and physically able to cope as well as I should be able to.

The thing is, if you had met me 4 years ago, you would have met someone very unwell, in the midst of a long mental breakdown and period of ill health, and who took a long time (3 years) to get back to any semblance of the person I was before.

I know that I was confident and capable before. And I sure given enough time/ counselling and help to make my own decisions about my finances and be independent that o could be ok enough.

I think the pregnancy has raised all of these issues that have been going on subtly for a long time and only now am I truly acknowledging them.

^ Oliversmumsarmy - the OP has already said at least twice that she looked into benefits and found she wasn't eligible. If I remember correctly, the OP attended some kind of medical and it didn't last long enough for her tardive dyskinesia symptoms to show in front of the Dr. But I agree that it might be worth looking into again.

OP, I'm sorry for the situation you're in, I wish you the very best.

Thank you @Amoku - very succinctly put. I agree, yes it is out of line for people to imply I am selfish for wanting to continue the pregnancy or that it is so much better to have an abortion. I also dislike how people are saying my DH is abusive- in my head, he isn't but perhaps I am too close to the situation to see the reality. I don't know.

What I do know is that he is a hardworking, kind and caring man who really does have his family and my best interests at heart. The only gripe I do have is that he got a bit angry about the finances initially but he seems a lot more calm and open about it. I truly don't think he had anything to hide. I just think we are not going to find the money unless we relocate or he changes his job / works full time in London (which would be totally madness)

Hi op. Did you tell the parents, or did your husband?

I didn't tell my parents in an obvious way - we went round for dinner and had crab for a starter, and I asked if the crab was cooked! My mum suspected from my comment after that.

OP I'd consider applying for pip, cab will help you apply for it, if you get it maybe your mum could apply for carers allowance? Just an idea. I'm sorry if what I said upset you I certainly never intentionally wanted too, like me everyone just wants to help you. Big hugs op x

@NooNooHead I applaud you for saying that.

Absolutely. It's a brave thing to admit and come to terms with.

Those of us who have pointed out that your personal reasoning behind your posts seems immature, mean exactly that. It's a childish "but what about me" stance. We're not "kicking you while you're down" we're not "abusive" as some PP have got a bit squawky about. That's how your posts read to a lot of us.

You've got a lot to tackle here. These massive handouts of £300-500 a month when you could both just sort DHs work out, have him home all the time and be £430 better off for a start. And that's presuming he can only find work round here for £22k a year!! There's absolutely loads paying more. I did that calc on a worse case salary scenario, and look how much better off you'd be.

That's for a start. Irrespective of how many kids you want to add in, you both need to stop pretending you need to fleece your parents like this. Until you stop living off their handouts to feed your two DC, it's drastically not right to burden them financially with a third. Have some respect for yourself and them.

Almost separately, are the issues around the baby, where you question your ability with your health issues. DH very strongly doesn't want another child. Your parents are saying enough is enough, no more children in this setup (and yes they do have the the right to say that, given how you're both using them to fund your setup). The effect on your DC and DH if you end up as a single mother because you make a decision for yourself that goes against what everyone is sensibly telling you.

Your posts read like, I know what's best for my children. I know what's best for my husband. I know what's best for my marriage. I know what's best for us coping as a family. I know this because I've got numerous, huge valid reasons being spelt out to me.

Balanced with "but I don't want to"

@Raspberrytruffle - thank you.❤️ That is ok, I know people on here are only trying to help.

I have applied for PIP before but my movement disorder and head injury are considered mild and therefore I come across as pretty normal. (Mad. I know...)

I could apply again but given the current state of the country, I doubt my chances would be much higher lol

OP, you've clearly had a traumatic time in recent years, between the head injury and losing your brother.

I'm just wondering if anything you have written here makes you identifiable in RL?

There's quite a few details that you have posted here which can only be unique to you?

Maybe consider having this thread deleted?

I don't think accepting a gift from parents is "fleecing" them. I received a large gift to help buy a house from my dparents. In-laws wanted to do the same but decided to give us a monthly amount (£200) instead. We are very grateful. I know people who have very large homes they will receive as an inheritance, and others who had expensive educations bestowed on them.
I will save what I can to help my own children with deposits and uni etc.

Here’s an idea OP, why don’t you take your husband and parents along to the abortion consultation on Monday ? Because it’s seems very much to be a team decision, they should be fully informed about everything that’s involved. And it gives them all a chance to tell the a professional their opinions and point of view about what’s best for you.

After all, these staff do this all the time . I’m sure they will be in a better position than anyone on here to tell you if you are wrong and your husband and parents are right. They are objective.

As PP have said, this is not comparable to parents helping out with a wedding or a house deposit. At all.

It's taking that big sum of money, monthly, saying they need it to such basic needs as to feed their children. When they could do it themselves quite easily and have DH at home instead of away 6mths a year to boot. They don't though. They take the handouts so he can keep that job. Because with the job they need (keep) a flash (family) car that the parents subsidised too.

Hey op I think that you have been handed a raw deal over the last few years and I hope that you continue to improve in health and get back to the person you once were.

My dh has a job which restricts my hours that I work and he recognises that and would in your situation, where he is clearly not earning enough, look at changing that so you can have two incomes.

He is restricting your lifestyle by small measures, such as the car, phone, travel, working away. All of these things are limiting you.

In your situation I would pull up my big girl pants and get strong and tell the other members of your family what you want.

If your dh wants you to terminate then you want him to stop leaving you on your own with a 2 year old and your older dc with no support, he needs to sell the car and sort out the finance. He has as much to answer for as you. You are equals and it doesn’t sound like you are being treated as one.

Sorry if I upset you at all with my post regarding abuse. It definitely wasn't my intention to add further upset to your situation. It's just that you've asked for advice regarding your situation and I would think it's sensible to consider the possibility of all things based on your comments. (Sorry but the fact he got angry about the finances is also concerning. Did he shout at you?).
Again, sorry! Xxx