Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

The parents seem to over the years have paid out a lot of money on their own volition

These “gifts” at the time NooNooHead took as just them being nice generous parents and was never told that they came with strings attached.
Unless these “gifts” were explained at the time were loans or were because the parents wanted control of NooNooHeads life then they shouldn’t be brought up now. They shouldn’t be things that the parents should use to control their Dd

The parents offered to pay for the wedding which to anyone looking on looks like a really nice thing to do.

Can i ask at the wedding did you get everything you wanted or did your mother /father have input, inviting guests you would not have normally have invited, or compromised on caterers, venue, cake etc because your parents were paying.
Would you have had a big wedding if you had responsibility for paying for it.

Or to some extent was this because your parents didn’t want their Dd marrying in a registry office or having a tiny wedding. As it would not look good.

The same with the car. They didn’t like the car your dh was driving so gave him the deposit to buy a fancy car because it looks good.

What would have happened if your dh had bought a second hand car for cash.

You moved from a 2 bed flat on the Met line to Norfolk when your work is in London. Other than because a 4 bed house has more space than a 2 bed flat why would you move.
It doesn’t make any sense.

Why would you not move out to Kent or Essex with the high speed rail links.
Or is it because you were persuaded to move to Norfolk by someone with an ulterior motive.

At any point did you not sit down and actually look at the numbers.

Was it practical and could you afford a £310 per month BMW

Was it practical and could you afford a 4 bed house in Norfolk with the £600 per month extra expenses that came with it just to do the job.

In some ways the reason your dh is holding onto the job is because it looks good.

It is stopping you claiming benefits because it pays too much but once you take into account the net amount he brings home after all the expense of getting to and from the job it is not realistic to keep doing it if he has children a wife and a 4 bed house he has to take care of.

Even your dh saying he can’t afford to divorce you is another way of saying he wants to keep up an appearance. He doesn’t want to lose the 4 bed detached and go back to living in a flat or with his parents full time.

Money and gifts are things that can be used as a weapon.

I grew up in an abusive household and knew not to take anything, not even a birthday gift of a box of chocolates from my mother because it was never just a box of chocolates. It was always a thing to beat me with, to coerce me to do her bidding with for years to come.

To some extent I think there is something akin to this going on here.

I think your parents know what you are like and getting your dh in debt to pay for a car so you can go to them cap in hand is something I think they enjoyed. (I come from a severely fkd up family where every move had to be thought through and every “nice” gesture had to be looked at under a microscope with a question of what was in it for the other person. So I might be way off the mark)

The only problem is you have gone off script and got pregnant and that can’t be allowed to continue.

You are only now looking at bank statements but his credit card statements are also needed to get a full view of what is going on.

I do believe that you both would be better off living apart.

Whether you want to stay in Norfolk or move towards London, start working again after the birth or live off CM and benefits for a while is up

I think being in control of your own destiny and not relying on handouts with strings attached does more for your Mental Health than anything.
I think for too long you have left it up to others to deal with the finance side and I can understand why you are having a hard time understanding that if you live in a 4 bed detached house, you have a dh who works in London, there is a brand new BMW parked on the driveway and then someone turns round and says you need to abort a baby because there is no money.

I think most people would think WTF

@Apileofballyhoo
I'm not sure there is anything to show show can't cope with a third child

just to quote OP

With the greatest respect, my health has been pretty fragile over the past few years, and I haven't deliberately put myself in this situation whereby I have been incapacitated and unable to work to my full capacity. She also mentions she relys on her family for a lot of practical help.

I'm just taking into account that she also says her husband does not have the emotional, physical or mental capacity to cope with a third child, that the whole picture does not look good for her 2 little children should she bring a third into the family.

@oliversmummy

with the greatest respect, the questions you ask are absolutely none of your business. The OP does not have to list every detail of her private affairs on here.

How do you know for instance that her Oh is only holding onto his job because it looks good? Do you know him?

You are being far too intrusive into her private affairs in order to try to push through your private agenda.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a thread like this where even with fairly limited ongoing input from the OP, it has ran and ran for pages and pages with so many posters discussing minute details of the situation so passionately. I do hope it doesn’t turn out to have been a fanciful tale.

He can sell the car or part exchange the car for something cheaper.

I stand corrected on the car then; however I still think it would be a very bad idea to have another seeing as they are relying on parents for basic things like food.

So are you saying it's ok for the DH to pressurise OP to get an abortion she doesn't want so the DH can have expensive things?

I think it's okay to pressure someone to have an abortion when you have literally no other option. The husband and parents are fully responsible for earning money to take care of the kids. You are acting as if switching to a cheaper car or phone contract is going to provide enough money to raise a child! Do people know how much raising a child costs?? I do actually think it is acceptable to pressure someone for an abortion when the alternative is struggling to feed your own children.

It is unfortunately not a fanciful tale that has a happy ending.

I am well aware that the outcome either way is not necessarily the best for all. I am going to the abortion consultation on Tuesday with an open mind and see how I feel after that.

"I think your parents know what you are like and getting your dh in debt to pay for a car so you can go to them cap in hand is something I think they enjoyed. "

@Oliversmumsarmy wow...quite the projection there.

How do you know for instance that her Oh is only holding onto his job because it looks good? Do you know him

I don’t need to.

Why would someone spend over 25% of their not so great income and prevent themselves getting in more money if it wasn’t for show.

Either that or they can’t add up.

As I said Ginger1982 I come from a family who would do just that so as I said my Fkd up family life might colour my view on the motives behind things

Why would someone spend over 25% of their not so great income and prevent themselves getting in more money if it wasn’t for show.

How do you know that he is preventing himself from getting more money?

I agree with oliversmumsarmy. That job absolutely is for show. They're handing money away for nothing then sitting with their hands out for the rest of the family to feed their existing DC.

Having that £34k job makes them £430 net worse off per month than if he was on a "paltry" £22k a year working locally in Norfolk (they'd not only save the £600 transport costs and the £140 DH pays for lodging but they'd get £350 a month universal credit) and both parents would live at home full time!! This is apparently what's stopping OP having a job at the moment. Check it out yourself on the policy in practice benefits calculator.

The third child is OPs decision. Because that's biology. Not because it's fair or right. And OP is making herself the centre of everything, it's all about her fragile mental state, and seems to have been enabled by her parents to be that way, practically and financially. But what it's not about is finances. There are numerous reasons behind why this would be unbelievably detrimental to the whole family. OP is all about OP.

And if OP or DH pulled their big boy pants up, and stopped this ridiculous farce of going to London (so they can look like they need the flash family car), and saved £430, then this frankly abusing set up of taking £300/400/500 a month of her parents could stop. About time these two adults stood on their feet and stopped making excuses for why they can't. They. Not poor OP. Not lets-all-blame DH. They. Both complicit.

Then they could afford their 2 existing DC. What a concept!! Not a third, but OP doesn't care that they're bankrolling her parents for these already, when they could be paying their own way. Why not take and take and take from her own parents because you can bank on them stump up the difference and her and DH keep the flash car under the pretence he needs that job. Lovely.

The finances came up because the OP said she gets money from her parents for food every month, and they've said they are not happy about feeding another child too. Rightly so. OP already feels guilty about the money.

OP doesn't want to have an abortion and posted here, mentioning the money and that her DH keeps control of the purse strings. On investigation it seems that the OP's DH chooses to spend his money elsewhere and allows OP to ask her parents instead.

OP had an accident leading to health problems, and has been left with an on going physical syndrome which she finds embarrassing but she is not disabled. She manages her house and children fine on a daily basis, including the 3 days and nights she is on her own. She says her parents don't help with cleaning, cooking or childcare (except if she has to go somewhere her DM looks after her toddler - I assume interviews/GP that type of thing).

Posters seem to think she won't be able to cope with a third child although the OP has never said that. Posters also seem to think that the finances mean she can't afford a third child, which may or may not be true. The financial set up is fucked up. OP and her DH could live within their means presently but DH doesn't want to.

OP is afraid a termination that she has even though she doesn't want to will have a bad affect on her mental health. She has had previous mental health problems.

For those asking pro lifers will they help OP with childcare - will you go around and hold her hand if she has a termination? Will you help with childcare so she has time alone to grieve if she feels a need to?

It's not black and white. Her problems won't be solved with a termination. Her problems won't be solved if she has another baby. Having a baby might make her situation worse. Having a termination might make her situation worse.

But it's supposed to be a woman's right to choose. Not a man's.

I've been reading this thread for a few days now, I was going to comment the other evening. Personally I'm quite concerned that you are being abused. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and I didn't know! That sounds odd but coercive control is so subtle it's extremely difficult to see the reality of your situation when you are in it. The red flags for me are that he refused to wear a condom, got you pregnant and is now talking about divorcing you because of it and insisting on you having an abortion! That's just insane and is definitely an abusive tactic. Your parents are also fairly controlling so I'm guessing this is something you are used to and feel is the norm. Second red flag is all the money and car issues. It doesn't add up. I think the third red flag is how confused you appear on this thread. You remind me of how I was. It took about a year to unpick my head after the abuse and nearly three years on its ongoing. Fourth red flag was the part about your DH being OCD and having to fuss and tidy up before he comes home and not liking the noise. That's not normal and something I had to do. Can you maybe ring women's aid and have a chat? Maybe I'm totally wrong and he's just an amazing man who's struggling but I can't ignore the niggles.
Finally massive love and hugs to you! You are amazing and are coping fantastically with an extremely difficult situation. If it makes you feel any better (probably not the right term 🥴) I also have a crazy, complex life. 4 kids, one with autism who has very high needs, abusive ex who is still trying to abuse me via the kids and custody, no job as I had to give up work to care for my disabled child, single mum (obvs), just lost my house as I couldn't afford the mortgage payments alone. Wishing you all the best xx

I do agree with a lot of what you said there Courtney, but I think OP is incapable of seeing that her DH should support his family rather than them both relying on her parents. Things are very wrong when people have luxuries but not enough money for food.

I find it hard to understand why a person wouldn't know every single penny that comes in and goes out of house where money is in such short supply they need to get £300 from parents for food.

What I can't figure out is if OP is being abused (she's not the one with the luxuries) or is away with the fairies.

It seems easier for the OP to have a termination she doesn't want than to stand up to her DH about their finances. Again, why is that? Is he a bully? Emotionally abusive?

I don't think the problems are going to go away.

I hate this bullshit of my money/your money in a family. Sounds like the set up was unfair from the beginning, where OP dropped her income to provide childcare but DH kept all of his.

OP, I hope it works out for you. My guess is your parents think your DH is a complete arsehole but they don't want to say that to you because you seem to be in denial about it. They're worried because they are the ones providing financial and emotional support to you while he does fuck all.

I'd talk to them about the financial set up and see what they think. You're very lucky to have supportive parents.

A PP asked where is your anger? and I think the same. You seem to think everything is your fault. This also makes me think you're being abused. You haven't said one single thing that your DH does to make your life easier.

Can you use hormonal contraception?

Well said Alice. I'm sorry things were so shit for you and glad you got out. I hope things get better. You sound strong.

they'd not only save the £600 transport costs and the £140 DH pays for lodging but they'd get £350 a month universal credit)

Why would someone voluntarily change jobs and get a lower paid job, possibly with less prospects, give up employment rights that are gained only after 2 years with the same company to rely on universal credit which can disappear overnight if the government decide to change the rules?

I can see why the DH wants to keep his job - he will have some protection against redundancy, his company can't dismiss him for no reason, hopefully will get at least cost of living pay rises, pension provision (which will be worth more on £37000 a year than on £22 000 a year and is increasingly important as he is 50 with young children. When he retires his youngest will still be at school so he will need an income still at that point).

I started this thread as a means to get some useful advice, and to ask for opinions anonymously on what is very clearly a contentious and difficult subject.

As the thread has gone on and I have given more information, this has - intentionally or not - painted a bit of a negative picture of my life and situation. I think it is very difficult to get my points across without adding fuel to the fire of those who have been against me keeping the baby, and on the other hand, giving more 'ammunition' to those who are totally against me having the abortion and who see it as my right to be able to choose.

My DH and my parents would see the situation as very black and white. We do not have enough money, I have to be supported by the family financially therefore an abortion is the 'easiest' option. End of.

But of course, nothing in life is so black and white. While I am not completely crap with money, I have always been fairly bad at budgeting and I know that I need to have a greatrt control and knowledge of the income and outgoings of our household expenses. I will admit that I don't because it had been my DH who was organised, more financially astute and better with money, therefore I handed what seems his forte over to him.

My DP have always mollycoddled me, being 3 months premature and adopted, I am their 'precious' daughter therefore they have been very much over protective. Of course, they are doing it all out of love and their support in all forms comes from a place of caring.

They won't see me starve because I am out of work and have said they are happy to be contributing financially while they can afford it. Of course, I am not so entitled and presumptuous to assume they will bankroll me forever. As I said before, I AM capable of work, paying my own way, managing money, and being self sufficient. The health issues may seem like a feeble excuse to some on here and that I am 'milking' the passive victim mentality but after my head injury, I carried on freelancing because we needed the money, despite the fact I could not read properly, had awful cognitive symptoms and walked out into my road not recognising where I was. I struggled on working hard despite being very unwell. I am not a victim, nor someone who takes continually and believes I am entitled to it. The way some of the PP are reading between the lines implied I have no gumption whatsoever - this morning I took my daughter to an open day round an excellent high school in the hope she will fo there in three years time. I am investing in my current DC and I spend as much time as possible giving them love and attention, despite being at home alone for 3 days. I certainly don't sit on my backside and let the food money come in while ignoring my DC. I may not have a job in the conventional sense but I work hard to look after my DC in the best way I can.

Sorry for the mini rant but I needed to get my 2 pence worth in before another reply presumes the worst about why I am in such a quandary.

I am fucking angry at a lot in my life but I won't say that in case it gets misinterpreted as part of the 'passive' side that I am.

NooNoo While I have no doubt that some of the commentators have been a bit harsh, can you see any merit in taking some control of your finances and seeing if you can find a way to keep the baby, even if you think DH is good with money?

He has a different position on this to you... so he won't be looking hard at where you can save/change things.

But I don't think this has been easy for you at all, and my heart breaks at the idea of any woman having to abort a wanted baby because economically; they can't make it work... that's really, really tough.

NooNoo - don't worry. I think you are doing a fantastic job of bringing up and loving your children, and that's also why you couldn't countenance terminating a child. You are a very loving mother. And all the rest - the money, family members - I am certain it will all fall into place once they accept that the 'easy' option isn't on the table. It doesn't exist.

You are extremely strong and I certainly admire you. I think you actually came here for moral support. I'm giving you it! Just stand your ground. And in a few months, as we all know, your baby will be here and everyone (including Dad and grandparents) will adore him or her, and protect the baby against everything. Right now you feel like the only one protecting him or her - maybe you are the only one - so keep going. Be the excellent protective mother you are. It's ok to do that. It's good. It's sensible.

You know the finances will somehow work out. You concentrate on your invaluable job and look forward to seeing your new baby. And actually you aren't alone - I'm with you! And I'm sure many others on here too are as well. Reach out whenever you need! Xx

And also: a very important note:

I'm sure somewhere you feel the moral clash of you having been born at 28 weeks, and everything done to protect and save you - and now, what? You're supposed to allow termination of your own child? Something inside you reacts with abhorrence at the very idea - and you're right. Hold your ground. Xx

lottelupin

How on earth can you make such promises on behalf of other people? The dad and grand parents may not welcome the child with open arms, nor will the finances necessarily sort themselves out.

Your post comes across as being very manipulative.

The op should be encouraged to discuss everything with a counsellor and then come to her own decision. It's wrong for either pro choice or pro life posters to attempt to sway her. We won't have to deal with the consequences of the decision, whichever it is, the op will.

NooNoo. I do believe you are capable. I thought by examining the finances you might find a way to keep the pregnancy if that's what you want.

I am worried your DH hasn't had a vasectomy and that he has tight control of the purse strings. Those are your words.

Before you got married, did you constantly run out of money and have to ask your parents for extra? If not, I'd imagine you are perfectly capable of managing your money and living within your means.

You've had some bad luck and I'd be shocked at any parents who didn't help their child when they were unwell, if they were in a position to do so.

I do think you are choosing to take money from your parents rather than fight with DH about his spending. You need to go through every single penny. That includes the joint account.

Car finance is an obvious one - how long before the car can be handed back under the terms of the contract?
Phone - how long is left on the contract(s)?
Heat and electricity - are you locked into contracts or could you look for a cheaper provider?
Life assurance - how much is yours insured for? Did you have any serious illness cover? Does your DH?
Car insurance and house insurance - can you get those cheaper? Are you paying for those monthly or once or year?
Mortgage - what's left and for how long? Have you got any equity?
Broadband - mine is €40 per month.
RAC - is it really necessary for a new car.
Food and household - can you make any switches to non branded or eat less expensive meals?

I wish you the very, very best whatever you decide, and I hope everything works out for you.

Hi, just to say disabled people are eligible for DLA/PIP regardless of income- even millionaires can claim it and it makes no difference. Some people have good and bad experiences applying, but it's worth a go, and can be good money- several hundred pounds a month. It would be your own money. You can get someone to help you fill the form in, a lot of people use the CAB, but I personally would seek more specialist and professional help, such as from someone from an organisation for your condition(s.)

I like to think I'm pretty good with these forms too, if you want a hand.

But for now I think you need to be seeing a counsellor too, to help you decide what's best for YOU. It doesn't matter if you go over and over the same stuff again- eventually you'll get there- at least to a place that's a bit more certain of whatever direction you choose. Hugs xxx