Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

It is not right for a person who already has several children and is not financially independent to bring another dependent into the world.

@Seedling111 She has 2 children, not 6. And she didn't make the 3rd on her own. She is married and they could be financially fine if the H made some different and better choices about spending.

They don't live in a shanty town in Bangladesh FFS.

Their income is above the national average, they have a low mortgage payment, are too well off for benefits and live in a 4 bed house!

If they can't actually afford another child then nobody can.

@BendyLikeBeckham if that's the case and they well off why are they bludging money off OP parents?

Wheres the pride then to make changes so not having someone else wipe their arse?

With my DH away for 3 days a week, it isn't possible for me to work during the week. Once my DS can go to nursery, I am looking to be getting more freelance writing and using my skillset to earn more money then.

This is your body, your health and mental well being. You have to make the right decision for you and your dc
Have some counselling, don't be bullied, make a choice you can live with. Yes you have to think practically but also you have to bear any regret, which will be easier to deal with if you are doing what you feel is best. Good luck

Pays £47 for mobile phone

That’s very expensive, for a man who supposedly can’t afford to feed his own kids. I pay £12 a month with Tesco.

Pays £16 for RAC breakdown cover.

You don’t need RAC breakdown cover with a brand new car, they come with a three year emergency cover.

Two tiny examples of where you are wasting money. That’s £50 a month towards nappies and food for a baby. Or an extra curricular for one of your other children.

BTW my children all love their siblings, they spent years asking me for just another baby. I don’t know why people on this thread seem to think that another sibling is a bad thing - for many children it’s one of the best things that ever happened to them. It’s the longest relationship you ever have in your life.

0lga I agree in part about the siblings. My brother and I had a good relationship up until he became a belligerent teenager and was very difficult to live with right up until he passed away.

Of course, now I am only child, my longest relationship will be with my DC.

Oh op. Please know that asking on Mumsnet is helpful, but no one is in your exact position with your DH, DC and your parents. Only you can know what is right. Go with what you believe is right in your position for you and those around you. That is all you can do xx

Their income is above the national average, they have a low mortgage payment, are too well off for benefits and live in a 4 bed house!

That's a bit irrelevant seeing as they are relying on money from OP's parents to feed their existing children...they clearly can't afford the children they have let alone any more! Have you actually read the thread

Yeah maybe she has read it as lack of good financial decisions rather than lack of sufficient money. Have you read the thread?
We "relied" on kind gifts from parents for help with a house deposit, and with our wedding. DM paid for a holiday for us all and always have me some money when I visited. I never realised that gave any of them a say over my unborn babies.

OP, you said you think that your husband earns £2100pm, even if that is net you would be entitled to some tax credits. If you are genuinely not entitled he must earn a fair bit more.
I have been in a similar situation, I don't think ex-h would ever have seen himself as financially abusive, but it was. Life is not black and white... Good people and bad people. However, what makes this abusive is that you are being told you are not worthy of having access to details of your finances. So you aren't actually in a position to judge whether his behaviour is unreasonable or not.

I think it sounds like facing the possibility that your husband is financially abusive is just one thing too many for you to contemplate right now. Park it, but don't forget to come back to it.

You sound like an intelligent, educated woman who has overcome huge adversity...yet you talk about yourself as though you are a dippy teenager. Loads of people bugger up their finances in their 20s... it doesn't mean you are not allowed to know he details of your family finances years later.
I think go with your heart, you are on your own... practically half the time and financially 100% of the time. You will manage just fine of you split from your husband. You have had a life changing injury and are being financially abused... It's exactly this sort of situation benefits were created for, so you don't have to stay dependent on an abuser, or live in poverty because of your injury. Don't let anyone make you feel you are doing something wrong and need state support whilst you get back on your feet.
Again, just because your mum means we'll doesn't mean you have to do as she says. She may have her own worried about your marriage, by that doesn't mean her decision for you is right.
Finally, can I just say how bloody well you're doing and send you a bug hug xxx

OP's already said that even if they had a cheaper car they still wouldn't have enough money

So where is the extra money coming from?

Parents pay £300 per month

Car costs £310 per month

You have £1458 per month expenses on a £2100 earnings

So £642 for food clothes and incidentals which is perfectly doable, even with a 3rd child
Then you get £300 per month from your parents.
So £942 per month. Nearly £1000 per month and you say you are finding it tight.

Something is not right with those amounts.

Can i ask how much disability you personally get.

I don't get any disability or extra money from anywhere else. I am not entitled to PIP.

I will need to go through the bank statements again tomorrow and see what is left over from the amount - I might not have seen extra money that would account for the £600+ and that would explain more about why we are apparently short.

The bottom line for you NooNoo is that could you manage to look after and bring up 3 children alone for the next 18 odd years?
Could you manage all the stress initially of sleepless nights with a new baby, days with having most of your time taken up with baby, having to do the shopping which would mean taking baby and the two other children with you - all alone? All this and much more with your mental health issue? Can you be sure that you'd always put the children's needs first and your desires last?
This is also assuming that the new baby does not have any special care needs.

All this apart from the finances which take second place to these issues.
Hopefully you have thought about all this in detail and have come to the conclusion that you are well able to do this alone with no detriment to the children, then good luck to you.

It's £642 to cover petrol and train fare. OP thinks the train is £300 a month, which would be £25 a day from Herts into London. I don't know how much train fares are.

OP's DH pays the train fare with his credit card and then pays £300 per month into his credit card bill.

That leaves £342 per month to cover petrol. I think OP has also said DH pays for toys and days out for the DC.

£68 per month for SKY, £16 per month for RAC and £47 per month for phone contract is £130. I don't know when those contracts are up but it seems to me there's probably about £75 per month saving to be made there.

Will the bank statements show your husband's income/expenditure. If not it won't help to explain. We already know why you are short... You are unable to work at present but the sole earner in the family is only covering a 'share' of the family's expenditure.
I think, in the gentlest way, you are not answering direct questions about your husband's income and expenditure because it would open a can of worms. I'm guessing even asking for the access would cause a huge row.
For now, whilst everything else is happening, maybe put it to one side. If that is possible, because your husband is saying that an abortion is necessary because of finances, but he won't let you see what that family's finances are. So you can't make an informed decision.
Unfortunately he is not telling you he truth- either about his income or expenditure, or he fact you are not entitled to tax credits. Both can't be true I'm sorry to point that out because it will hurt.

Scatterbrainbox

I’ve run the tax credits calculator for the OPs DH salary and children (both 2 and 3) and there’s not a penny to be had in tax credits for them.

I don’t actually disbelieve the OPs husband about finance, whilst £37k is a decent wage (he’s probably on more but pension contributions are presumably taken) it quickly gets swallowed up with housing costs, travel, any debt repayments, insurances and the like.

I know it would be a struggle for me to bring up 2 DCs on that, if your expenditure has been at that level it’s difficult to say just strip everything back as most of us are tied in to fixed rate mortgages, PCP contracts, Sky and mobile contracts etc. Our household outgoings are almost £1.7k a month before food (and we live in Wales) so I can imagine the financial situation isn’t far off what he’s saying it is.

We "relied" on kind gifts from parents for help with a house deposit, and with our wedding.

Yes, because a house deposit and a wedding are comparable to money every single month for feeding the children.... you're being deliberately disingenuous. They can't pay for one of the most basic needs of their children, how is that comparable to not being able to pay for your wedding I don't know why you are putting 'relied' in speech marks, they clearly are reliant on OP's parents if they can't feed their children without them

Yeah maybe she has read it as lack of good financial decisions rather than lack of sufficient money. Have you read the thread?

Why are you so focused on the husband and his financial decisions (for which you seem to be suggesting that he has complete blame for without any evidence) when it doesn't change the situation in any way?? The fact is, they don't have enough money to feed the two children they already have and their parents have said they aren't going to give extra for a third child. They can't afford it. Why they can't afford it doesn't actually matter if they can't change it (they need a 13k payout to go to a cheaper car which they don't have). So sure, you can blame the husband for being stupid/selfish by getting an expensive car, but they can't change it.

They can't afford another baby. What are you saying exactly, it's okay to have a baby that you can't afford to even feed because it's the stupid husband's fault that they have an expensive car??

They can't afford another baby. What are you saying exactly, it's okay to have a baby that you can't afford to even feed because it's the stupid husband's fault that they have an expensive car??

So are you saying it's ok for the DH to pressurise OP to get an abortion she doesn't want so the DH can have expensive things? It doesn't seem to be just the car.

And there's clearly a huge problem with household finances and financial choices with or without another baby. OP clearly said early on in the thread that DH has control of the purse strings.

OP the only circumstances I would terminate in your case if it was going to bring some benefit to me and my current DC. I certainly wouldn't do it if everything was just going to stay the same. And I suspect everything will just stay the same, so I'd feel I terminated for nothing.

why are you harping on about the finances? That is not the main issue.
Will all you pro pregnancy people be around to help the OP when she is alone and unable to cope with 3 little ones? Her children are the most important thing here. She should put her two existing children first in her calculations. Their wellbeing is more important the OP's feelings in this instance.

(they need a 13k payout to go to a cheaper car which they don't have)
They don’t. They need to pay the balloon if they wish to buy the car.
He can sell the car or part exchange the car for something cheaper.

op needs to get a handle on the finance side whatever happens with regards to this pregnancy. They can’t go on as they are 3rd baby or not.

I agree it's not just the finances, but a clear financial picture might stop people from thinking the OP can't afford another child.

OP says she keeps a clean and tidy house and that her current DC aren't neglected and she feels joy in their company. I'm not sure there is anything to indicate she can't cope with a third child. If people can't cope with a third child why does anyone have one? Even her Dad's email mentioned global warming and Brexit as reasons to terminate (if those are valid reasons all pregnancies should be terminated) rather than concrete things like we're already paying for a cleaner and coming over each day so you can nap while we cook dinner for you and your DC.

I'm not saying the OP can or can't cope or would or wouldn't. Only she knows how well she succeeds currently and only she can guess if she'll cope as just well with another DC. With anything in life we don't know. Pregnancy can be difficult and childbirth can be difficult and newborns can be difficult and children can be difficult. But those things can be ok too.

Perhaps OP's parents are very worried because they can see her DH doesn't support her at all and they think another DC will tie her to him further, for longer, with even less support from him and more work for her. I'd be worried about my DD if I were them.

In any case DH still hasn't had a vasectomy and even if OP terminates she could be in this exact same position in a couple of months time. After one termination she might not be able to face another one.

There are long term problems to sort out with our without a termination.

That's true Kevin but the main focus on here has been about the finances and that has removed focus from the far more important issues on whether or not the OP could cope on her own.

I guess the finances are easy to concentrate on because some on here are only concerned about the anti abortion issue whilst not even considering the other issues which will have a far more severe and far reaching impact than the financials.