Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I read all the way to the end of the thread and was hoping the OP changed her mind and kept the baby.

It is YOU the baby is growing inside and YOU who will be the primary carer. Therefore you make the decision. Yes your time would be split and it would be difficult but as you said, in the end, siblings love and cherish each other. Your DS would be close in age to the new one and have a brilliant time playing with them as they got older.

The finance stuff is all bollocks really. You will find a way, a few cut backs and adjustments. In a few years, get back to work yourself and put all this behind you.

Your parents mustn’t resent helping out that much. They literally put themselves in this situation by giving you DH that £2K to buy a posh car that would cost you £300 PM. Strangely that’s the amount they give you for food. It’s weird that they contributed towards him having that car that would cripple YOU financially so much. Not your DH as he isn’t the one scrimping for food and getting handouts. He gets to keep his pride and appearances up when giving his own mum money. The whole thing is bizarre.

I REALLY wish you would fuck the lot of them and keep the baby.

As for the emotional response to having an abortion, I, like many others have had one with little lasting effect. I too believed I wouldn’t cope and would forever feel guilty etc etc...I don’t.

I’m saying this so you don’t think I’m anti abortion. I’m not, I’m pro choice and it is clear, without this pressure, you would CHOOSE to keep the baby.

At the end of the day you can be as logical as you like but this is your decision alone and you will never forgive your DH or DM for forcing you to give up your baby. If you don't want to go through with it don't. If you do go through with it your relationship is probably over anyway and your support network as you will feel massive resentment toward both of them. Your DH helped make this child, he needs to step up.

I added up those figures OP, and he has £640 per month left. I don't know how much he pays for the train or for petrol.

Is the RAC breakdown cover necessary for such a good car?

How long is left on the front door loan - did you say it would be paid by Christmas?

How long is left on the mobile phone contract?

I have a phone with Tesco Mobile in Ireland. I get free calls and 10 GB data for €15 per month.

I am not sure how much he pays for petrol or the train. I think he puts his train fare on the credit card each month and then pays it off so about £300 for train travel?

Everyone has to make difficult decisions about what’s best for them and their family. I also got the strong sense OP is hoping if she has pre termination counselling they’ll take the decision out of her hands and say they can’t offer the procedure because OP has doubts. Which is yet another abdication of responsibility. If she decides to terminate then own it and get on with it, don’t hope you can push a decision not to have the termination onto someone else. And if she decides not to terminate, well, she needs to own that too and either accept that she’s doing it for her own needs and nobody else’s (at great detriment to pretty much everyone else in this scenario, not least the potential baby being born to a parent who doesn’t want them and a family who can’t afford them).

I get that sense too.

OP has gotten very used to the focus being on her and how she feels and her own fragile mental and physical health she’s lost sight of the fact that she’s just one person in the family and it’s not all about her.

This is what this thread is all about. And it's been so derailed by vilification of DH and those around her, when actually, that one sentence sums it up.

I also suspect if the situation was different and OP didn’t have parents bailing her out to the tune of hundreds per month she may have found the decision to terminate much easier.

I also agree with your interpretation here, and whilst I don't think for a moment she's set out to be manipulative, her and DH are absolutely taking advantage of their kindness to a real extreme and have zero action in place to stop using them in such a way. In fact to the contrary, OP plans on using them even more, at least DH doesn't want to increase their burden. And again agree, it's not all at her door, it's combined with the parents enabling.

There is a lot missing from that.
House insurance
Council Tax
TV License
Do you have a TV package?
Travel costs could easily run into the hundreds.
Do your children attend any clubs or extracurricular activities?
Christmas is around the corner have you budgeted for that?

I think those things come out of the joint account and therefore the £900. There's a SKY package for £68 per month that the OP has mentioned previously.

Can you access his credit card statement OP?

I know train travel is expensive in the UK but £300 a month seems like a lot. £25 a day for each day he travels in, would that be correct?

I am surprised after your previous ectopic you have not been seen sooner given the increased risk of another.

Again. This is your decision You want the pregnancy. Your DH and DPS do not. Over and above the financial issues there is the issue of your poor health. And to be frank your DH's age. But ultimately it is your choice.

I doubt at this stage going round and round in circles on here is helping Why not have a break and focus on your meeting with the counsellor next week. A period of trying to focus on other stuff might be useful in my opinion. That goes for your DH and DPS too. Tell them you want a break too.

Yes your time would be split and it would be difficult but as you said, in the end, siblings love and cherish each other.

No, they don't. That's bollocks

Honestly, I think the OP needs to step up and be a good mother to her current DC - Meaning putting them first and ended this pregnancy. In effect, she's putting a (not even fetus yet I don't think), above her living children, currently depending on her.

Since her DH is clearly not to be trusted 100%, she needs to think of her current DC and what it would be like as a single parent. Things would be better for all of you if you get rid of this absolute burden you're carrying OP.

Does it even matter how much he earns? If he won't share it anyway? You can't make him.

I really didn't realise that pro choice meant that it was viewed as 50/50 whether you kept a pregnancy or terminated it. I could terminate under certain circumstances (and no I'm not just talking about rape!) and would have had an abortion if I'd got pg in my 20s or to a ONS or for certain medical issues.
Women do and should have the right to terminate but surely the default position is that a pregnant woman keeps her (potential) baby unless she chooses otherwise? I really can't see how that being anything other than the default will not lead to abusive and manipulative situations where the non-pregnant person tells the pregnant one what to do.
I really don't like this thread and the way posters are starting to speak to the OP. There's a sad and confused women out there who has the right to keep her baby if she wants to. I thought these threads were about helping the woman work out what she wants, not telling her what she should want.

DH is on £34k a year. But if he doesn't go all the way to London the equivalent in Norfolk is £15k a year less according to OP. £19k full time salary He could literally work in a shop round here for that. Which I know. I live in Norfolk. So going down the excuse that DH has to continue working like this, they get £2200 take home plus OPs £150 child benefit. £2350. Less the £600+ the travel costs he pays each month to do that. Less the £140 he pays to lodge at his parents for half the month (which is frankly very cheap, not a micky taking DH as he's being portrayed). So put it all together, that's a combined take home of £1610.

Let's say DH could only manage to find a job in Norfolk paying £22k (he'll actually get more like £28/29k if the 2 days in Norfolk and 3 days in London add up to £34k, but let's just go down far closer to the OPs claim to avoid it being claimed it's supposedly impossible) he'd receive a take home of £1540. Plus they'd then get £350 a month universal credit. Plus her £150. Plus DH wouldn't be living away from home and his children effectively 6 months of the year . Plus they don't have the transport, car or lodging costs. Their take home becomes £2040 per month. That's both parents at home each day. And thats by understating his salary by a country (Norfolk) mile. £430 a month better off, the pair of them could stop unnecessarily leaching off her parents entirely and stand on their fully grown two feet. There's nothing stopping them.

But they "can't" do that.

What they can both happily do, however, is carry on living off the kindness of her parents pretending he has to work that way, pretending that they'd be worse off without it, because that way, they keep the nice car they've subsidised because he needs it for the work image of his job There's literally no reason why you'd choose to be absent from your children for 6 months a year and pay £430 a month for the privilege.

They don't need these massive handouts at all. They know they could live within their means. Still happily take them though. They. Not "poor" OP. Not "awful" DH. They. Both complicit.

siblings love and cherish each other

Not all siblings. Some hate each other, some are indifferent, some carry a resentment of the new baby that lasts a lifetime. Some threes form a two and an outsider.

The finance stuff is all bollocks really. You will find a way, a few cut backs and adjustments

That's so sweet. The OP seems to be clear that there's no place in the current budget for cutbacks or adjustments and she's unwilling to consider measures that other people have suggested.

Your parents mustn’t resent helping out that much.

What utter, utter nonsense. I would be absolutely fuming if I gave DD a few hundred to help her out and it turned into a permanent commitment. Unless her parents are really wealthy, they're subsidising her lifestyle to the tune of £3,600 a year, plus whatever one-off handouts they give, at the expense of their own financial future - a financial future that, as parents of a 40-something, they're not going to be able to do much to improve.

It's clear that something has to change but OP seems determined to be a passive victim in all this. I actually feel sorry for her husband, who was lead to believe that sex was safe and now finds himself between a rock and a hard place.

So let's play devil's advocate

Go ahead with PG and DH leaves you, where does that leave yourself and DCs? Housing costs wise? Benefits? How much will your parents have to bail you out for?

Its fine saying you wont divorce but never say never shit happens

Another factor to consider (sadly) is ageing parents. OP is very reliant on them for practical support, not just financial.

When I had my 1st DC, my parents were in their 60's & healthy/active & would have been a great support (had I lived closer).

Now in their late 70's & early 80's, it's an entirely different situation, with dementia, poor health etc.They are needing my support.

OP's DH is also 50 -,it's a hell of a thought supporting another child in to your 60's.

It's all fair & well to make choices about pregnancy but you have to be in a position to support the child on your own if you wish to continue.

If you are relying on others, you have to take their views on board & be aware that another child could be beyond your abilities, sadly.

I think OP is procrastinating in making a decision hoping it’ll be too late.

I think OP is procrastinating in making a decision hoping it’ll be too late

I think OP has had a lifetime of her parents being overbearing and overinvolved. Has your father ever discussed vasectomy with your husband? Has you father even given your husband a deposit for a car? Now she has a husband who seems very much of the there there pat-head type. Don't worry you won't get pregnant, don't worry your pretty little head just have an abortion, don't worry about money I've got it sorted. So sorted that he's splashing £300 on a car he uses twice a week to make a train journey (Norwich to London pre-booked can be as little as £10) while his parents in law give his wife £300 for food because she doesn't have access to his salary. The cognitive dissonance must make your head pound, OP - these are the people who are supposed to care for you and they are not on your team. Becoming pregnant has shone a huge spotlight onto that and it must be hugely frightening.

Now she has a husband who seems very much of the there there pat-head type. Don't worry you won't get pregnant, don't worry your pretty little head

Huh?

OP has said it was her saying that to her DH: don’t worry, we won’t get pregnant, we’re not in the fertile part of my cycle.

People will jump to try pin anything on OP’s DH in this thread. Must be the way it’s been written.

It's a damn good job her parents are 'over involved' because otherwise she would be up shit creek without a paddle.

Please think about yourself for a few minutes.
Not the money, husband, parents, Mumsnet options etc.
This is your decision.
It is your emotions and circumstances that you need to think of.
Find out exactly (with evidence) what the finance situation is. Down to each penny.
Check what benefits you would be entitled to as a family and then as a single parent.
Please remember that the decision you make will always be with you.
Do not just do what others want.
Take care.

If you are seeing someone re abortion, make sure that you take DH with you x

Only you can ultimately make the decision of ending your pg. It's certainly isn't an easy decision to make, I had a termination 24 years ago, I was pressurised into it by my parents and by the fact that my ex was abusive and had raped me, however I still feel sad for my baby that I lost. The guilt has taken a long time to settle down. Although, my life would be completely different had I gone ahead with the pg. I was living in a flat share, 22, I would have had no money at etc, and I would prob not be With my dh now With my 3dc. Go easy on yourself, you've got serious health issues, and angst from all sides, when you have your counselling and if you make the decision to go ahead, make sure you speak to your doc about further counselling.

@Tunnockswafer very eloquently said.

This thread is about womens' rights and specifically the OPs rights.

I am so sick of the people on this thread quite viciously blaming her and telling her to abort when she clearly doesn't want to.

And @Saharafordessert why the hell can't she do that? IT IS HER CHOICE and the default position is that she doesn't have to choose to do anything.