Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I don't think you should have an abortion you don't want, without all the facts.

Q1: you don't even know how much your DH earns. You think £37,000 but also think £2100/month. 37000 = 2391/month. Where is the extra £300?
Q2: have you ever asked the IL's about the meal money they charge DH? Does he actually pay it to them?
Q3: have you ever checked he actually stays there?
Q4: why is DH demanding you get an abortion because of financial reasons but he won't give you a clear picture of the financials?
Q5: why has he STILL not booked a vastectomy but is demanding you have an abortion you don't want.

I also think you would be better off financially splitting.

Where is his latest tax return?
Take the bank statements and go to citizens advice and see their budgeting people and ask for help if you don't understand it.

He sounds controlling and you sound scared of him. That's not good.

Courtney555

The parents pay £300 per month which is dressed up as the op isn’t coping because it supposedly pays for food when in actual fact they paid the deposit for her husbands car.
A car there was no need to get. and the repayments are £300 per month

If her stupid husband hadn’t bought the stupid car then her parents wouldn’t be bailing them out.

NooNoo I hope you're not afraid of your DH.

Atm you have only one income which is your dh working 3 days per week.

You haven’t a clue where the money is going or what things cost.

What I don’t get is why your husband is working only 3 days per week in London and you live in Norfolk

He could probably get a job that earned far more just shelf stacking in Norfolk.

This London job might sound prestigious but you have to look at how much it costs for him to actually do the job

£170 to pay his parents
£300 for the car to get him down to Hertfordshire
£60 train fare to get him from Herts into London
£40 Petrol to get him from Norfolk to Herts

Plus any incidentals like lunches or clothing (suits/shirts/ties etc) Brings the total to £600 per month
Plus he has had a hand out of several thousand from your parents to pay for the car

If he took a job paying £1500 per month more locally you could actually be quids in because then different benefits would kick in and he wouldn’t be spending a huge amount going down to London every week.

If her stupid husband hadn’t bought the stupid car then her parents wouldn’t be bailing them out.

OP's already said that even if they had a cheaper car they still wouldn't have enough money.

Did you miss how the "immature" Op has long term repercussions from a head injury? Or did you just not give a shit about kicking someone when they're down?

@Courtney555

How absolutely vile of you to abuse the OP in this way with your personal attack. I have reported your post.

Go away with your clearly giant pile of your own baggage.

Disgusting of you.

@Bendy

I'm not sure why you have reported this post as it states some very valid points - albeit opposite to your opinion.

I have also wondered why the OP has continued day after day with multiple post never admitting that shde also did not take precautions. I have also wondered if she's hanging this out and enjoying the attention. Sorry if this goes against dome of the pro lifers, but it is my opinion

OP's already said that even if they had a cheaper car they still wouldn't have enough money.

Exactly Taco. Everything is being blamed on DH being supposedly frivolous. The car has got nothing to do with it. There's so many reasons why it's such a detrimental decision to the family. OP lists them. And then wants to find ways to gloss over them.

The fact she had an accident that has affected her day to day well being is a difficult thing, another thing that she and her family already have to deal with. Adding another child is clearly the way forward.

OP is hearing the absolutely valid concerns of everyone else in her family and then arguing against them, wanting to detrimentally affect all their lives, based on how she might feel. And she's not a single person. She's part of a family of four. She's allowed her parents to pay for their lifestyle already up to this point, but instead of her and DH addressing that, they just keep taking from her parents.

She's not making a decision for the family. She's making the opposite decision, for her. It's her entitlement to do that. She obviously wants to keep the pregnancy, and she knows her (clearly lovely) parents will have to stump up the shortfall because when the chips are down, they won't see any of their grandchildren disadvantaged.

All this because she's second guessing how she might feel after a termination. She might find it really hard and have ongoing issues. Or, it's equally possible she won't. But it's acceptable for her other children and her DH and her parents to find it really hard and have ongoing issues because she decides she wants a third child. Serious double standards.

@Courtney555 She hasn't "decided she wants a third child". She is pregnant and doesn't want to terminate the one that is there. It is wholly different. Where is a woman's right to choose? Does it only apply to when that choice fits everyone else's agenda? It is HER body. FFS

And for the third time on this thread, I am prochoice not prolife.

Only on MN are people only allowed to procreate if they have a giant nest egg, triple figure salary, perfect health, no existing children and a rock solid marriage

But it's acceptable for her other children and her DH and her parents to find it really hard and have ongoing issues because she decides she wants a third child. Serious double standards.

If this is all true, that’s been my take from this as well. OP is so focused on herself and ‘oh what if I can’t cope’ she’s not really truly acknowledging the impact on others and how THEY will cope: her DH having a third child he doesn’t want and they can’t afford, her parents who have already bankrolled so much and are essentially being asked to cough up even more if she doesn’t terminate, her existing children having limited resources divided amongst even more children and possibly going through their parents splitting up, etc.

OP has gotten very used to the focus being on her and how she feels and her own fragile mental and physical health she’s lost sight of the fact that she’s just one person in the family and it’s not all about her. Which often happens when someone is in the sick role for a protracted period of time, and to an extent isn’t all OP’s fault (she is being enabled by others).

Everyone has to make difficult decisions about what’s best for them and their family. I also got the strong sense OP is hoping if she has pre termination counselling they’ll take the decision out of her hands and say they can’t offer the procedure because OP has doubts. Which is yet another abdication of responsibility. If she decides to terminate then own it and get on with it, don’t hope you can push a decision not to have the termination onto someone else. And if she decides not to terminate, well, she needs to own that too and either accept that she’s doing it for her own needs and nobody else’s (at great detriment to pretty much everyone else in this scenario, not least the potential baby being born to a parent who doesn’t want them and a family who can’t afford them).

This thread is nuts. I am unsure what if anything OP is getting from it at this point given it’s been running for quite some time, she’s only just made an appointment (which could have been booked ages ago and cancelled if necessary), it’s very dramatic and dragging out and receiving an awful lot of impassioned attention...

I also suspect if the situation was different and OP didn’t have parents bailing her out to the tune of hundreds per month she may have found the decision to terminate much easier.

It’s one of those things isn’t it? If you know someone else is gonna pick up the slack and catch you when you fail to meet your responsibilities you’re much more likely to shrug off those responsibilities than if you understand the buck stops at you. Her parents giving so much money and support to the family means OP is shielded from the reality that they can’t afford the kids they already have. But yet wants to add another

And enough of the attempt to blame DH for everything (and the disgusting blame and judgment laid on her parents by some posters, when they’re the ones who are bending over backwards to help OP and have for quite some time), sure he could have used protection or had a vasectomy. OP could have used protection or had a sterilisation. Goes both ways. But for some strange reason the thread has been written to portray OP as helpless victim of circumstance being judged and manipulated by everyone around her.

I hope to goodness the OP hides this thread. She is already anxious and conflicted, not to mention being pressured by family and possibly financially abused. These latest comments could tip her over the edge.

OP, I hope the BPAS counselling helps you make the right decision for YOU, and one you can be at peace with, whatever that is.

Courtney555 did you read the update about me making an appointment to see someone at the clinic for a consultation? I am not dragging this out and enjoying this.

I am not as 'entitled' and 'spoilt' as you have made out. I was being self sufficient for nearly a decade, had a good career in publishing, earned a decent salary, bought a shared ownership flat, had a mortgage, paid my own bills through my own salary, took responsibility for my life and was successful and self sufficient.

Since being incapacitated for a year after a head injury and post concussion syndrome, my circumstances understandably change for the worst. I struggled on working for 5 months after my head injury despite severe cognitive and physical symptoms that gave me a mental breakdown, and then carried on working up until I was told by my previous employer that they were not renewing my contract.

I then had my DS and claimed maternity allowance - so I was NOT spending my parents money- and have been doing my utmost to do the best that I can despite very hard health issues.

For you to suggest that I have not even been able to cope and support myself at all because I am too lazy and entitled is not looking at the bigger picture - something that you seem to be advocating I need to do more.

@pusspuss9

Thanks

I don't get the weird vilification of DH. It's both he and OP who are actively engaged and allowing this current setup, but it seems that OP should be viewed as this poor woman caught up in it. And you're right, it's no attack. Just very valid points.

The "your body, your rules"..."no one can tell you what to do"..."your decision" is of course absolutely correct. It doesn't then exonerate that decision from being selfish, disregarding the feelings and future of everyone else it affects, just because she's the one who makes it.

And without checking, isn't DS about 15mths, and the bang on the head a few years back? Meaning she's already had one pregnancy with that existing health issue. If she's seen how that played out, has posted numerous times about the allowances that should be made because it's so very hard for her with that health issue, you wouldn't advocate putting yourself, and another child through that.

There just seem a lot of excuses as long as they suit. DH has to live at his parents 50% of the year because of the £15k pay cut of an equivalent job here (as someone who lives in Norfolk, that seems very exaggerated to me. On jobs under £40k you don't get £15k less in Norfolk than London.) She guesses he's on about £37k gross. Take off the couple of hundred a month lodging he has to pay, commuting costs, as a PP points out, it's about £600 net a month. Closer to £10k a year gross. So actually taking the salary paycut and then receiving extra in benefits would make them much better off plus DH would be with his family. But somehow, DH and OP choose to continue with that setup. And then take £hundreds each month from her parents to boot. But if they make excuses that DH has to work that way, then they keep the flash car her parents have subsided in order for him to look the part at work. It's not his car. It's theirs. You think OP and the children don't get in it? It's the main family car.

Courtney555 I did NOT get my parents to pay the deposit for the car. My DH was discussing how his previous car was too small, and the next day my dad offered him the money. I wasn't that bloody entitled..!

@ChilliAnd

Bang on.

Have you gone through the finances yet?
He was open about where the paperwork was and you've had plenty of time now.

DH receives around £2200 PM.

Transfers £900 into joint acc for household Bill's.

Pays £47 for mobile phone.

Pays £16 for RAC breakdown cover.

Pays £310 to the car company.

Pays £140 to DM for rent and door.

Pays £45 for life / redundancy insurance.

Will look at another statement and update.

I'm also pro choice. I don't know what OP should decide, only OP can weigh up the potential impact on herself and decide if that impact will have a detrimental affect on her relationships.

I keep pointing out the problems with the current set up won't go away if she has a termination because the finances don't make sense.

We don't know if DH actually works 5 days a week or not.

We don't know how much he actually earns.

We don't know how much of his salary he contributes to the joint account.

We don't know if he'll actually get a vasectomy.

We don't know if it's possible to return his expensive car early.

We do know OP has to have the house clean and tidy when he gets home from work.

We do know he pays his Mum £175 per month, which is over half what he is receiving from OP's parents.

We do know he signed up for a car payment of £300 per month despite not having the money for a deposit and then actually took the money OP's parents gave her as a gift to get a better car for herself to use as a deposit for a car for himself.

We know they live in a 4 bedroom house despite having either 1 or 2 children when that house was bought.

We don't know if he has other expensive things like an expensive phone on an expensive phone contract. I've asked but OP hasn't answered.

We don't know if OP is afraid of her DH.

We do know that he gets annoyed when she tries to discuss finances, and shuts down the conversation by saying it's not a competition as to whose parents give more or that he's not hiding hundreds of pounds from her.

OP doesn't know if he has £37000 per annum or £2100 per month.

He has threatened to divorce OP if she has this baby.

He has said he can't afford to divorce her (whatever that's supposed to mean - I'm thinking he thinks he's better off now rather than actually paying maintenance).

We don't know if he cares for the children or does any housework when he is at home.

It's a very strange marriage.

Massive cross post OP I'm sorry.

I see he does have an expensive phone contract - no surprises there!

His salary is £2200 per month.

Yes he has a phone contract £47 pm.

He pays his mum £140 pm so slightly less than I said.

He contributes £900 of his salary to the joint acc.

I am not scared of him.

He works 2 days from home and 3 days in London

We moved from the Met line area to Norfolk to buy a bigger house as we were in a 2 bed flat before that was worth the same as our 4 bed house.