Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I agree Bendy. If a woman on here was saying she absolutely wanted a termination, then , quite rightly, nobody would be trying to talk her out of it.
The opening post clearly states that the OP does not want to end her pregnancy. We should all support her in that choice.

"I agree Bendy. If a woman on here was saying she absolutely wanted a termination, then , quite rightly, nobody would be trying to talk her out of it. "

I don't think that's right to be fair. I recall a recent thread where the OP was having a termination against her DH's wishes and certain posters did indeed voice their opinions on her decision.

Did they ? I didn’t see that, so maybe I am mistaken, but I have seen women supported through the undoubtedly tough choice of termination, and I agree with Bendy that we need to hear the OPs choice.
If she was my daughter, I would not be trying to push her towards an abortion she did not want to have.

It's not correct at all. There was another thread this week where the OP decided termination was the right decision to make after which many posters continued to encourage her to continue the pregnancy. Whether this is right or not is a different matter.

@SirVixofVixHall I presume your support of the OP isn't going to go beyond this thread? You'll not be sending her money or offering childcare or anything? Because that's another problem. It's easy to sit here saying "always room for another" or "it'll all work out" or "no one ever regrets having a child" but the problem is none of those things are true. Long after we've all wandered off the OP will be living with whatever decision she makes. So I think there's nothing wrong with supporting her to think things through carefully and pointing out the hurdles she'll need to overcome.

Sorry, I read the thread as the op being undecided tbh. I think her last message was the most telling. It sounds to me like the op thinks an abortion would be the right thing but she just doesn’t want to have one. I’d suggest really picking apart the whys/what’s because just ‘wanting another baby’ when you can’t actually feed your kids isn’t really enough. We all have to decisions sometimes where our hearts and heads are different places, one isn’t necessarily better than the other, but given the circumstances I’d go with my head on this one (and I did when I was in the same situation and haven’t regretted it).

The thing I can't understand is posters saying that OP can't afford the children she has, even though it's clear she wouldn't actually need the money from her parents if her DH actually used his salary to support his family.

But I can't see him swapping for a shitty little 2k car! All for what? Some pregnancy nobody even wants, beyond OP feeling sorry for it and too guilty to rid herself of it

Swapping your car for a cheaper one doesn't seem outrageous to me. I don't think I'd consider an expensive car a good reason for asking my DW to terminate a pregnancy.

But I'd be absolutely ashamed to take money from my parents or PIL while driving around in a fancy car. I don't think the DH in this case has any morals. His FIL even asked him to get a vasectomy (I think this is a sign that things are very strange anyway) and he didn't, and now his answer is to put his DW through a termination that she is very unhappy about.

I have asked if OP is afraid of her DH and she hasn't said. But I think she might be. They can't seem to talk about finances without DH being angry.

What kind of man would let his wife's parents feed his children while spending his money on a car?

@Apileofballyhoo while I agree with your post, I know a man who has a fancy car which they can't really afford and they make sacrifices for. However, having a fancy car and good suit is important for his job as he is customer facing and needs to appear that way.

I know it's a stretch but sometimes there are reasons for things like this?

You won't get any benefits for this child if you go through with this, they are capped to two children this must be considered especially if going to end up single parent

Either path to be chosen doesn't have a healthy outcome for someone

Thank you for all of your replies again.

I will reply properly to the most recent posts in a bit.

What is the main process that you go through with an abortion? Do they offer mandatory counselling first or would I need to request it?

@Mermaidsinthesand child benefit isn't capped to two children?

Just been on the .Gov website - the benefits cap applies to those who receive housing benefits (we don't) so I would be able to claim child benefit for this baby.

pink in that case the car is necessary. We sacrifice some things to afford others, and I'm sure some of those things would be seen as luxuries by some people e.g. I paid for DS to have speech therapy instead of staying on a waiting list and my MIL thought it was a waste of money. Luckily she had no input into my finances. We had no holiday that year. DH has to be reasonably well dressed for work. DS does hobbies. I consider those things to be necessities. I like to spend extra money on visiting family, and I think that's a necessity for me. I'd imagine most people make sacrifices, one way or the other, as we can't all have everything we want.

But that man is actually taking money from his PIL to spend on a car he just likes having. For no reason.

OP, I hope you aren't getting too overwhelmed with all of this. It is such a difficult time for you, and here is MN having a bunfight over it.

Can you ring BPAS and speak to the counsellor again? They will talk you through the process of counselling and what is involved. You really do need to talk this through with someone who isn't going to mess with your head.

I recall an AMA thread from an abortion nurse fairly recently. She was so lovely and so focussed on her patients. I remember thinking that if I ever needed to go there that I would want her looking after me! I can try and find the link for you, but I won't look for it yet in case you say that that is the last thing you want to read.

BPAS should offer you counselling (I think this can be over the phone or face to face). The staff are very well trained, and will treat you with compassion. They are really great.

@NooNooHead I'm sorry I haven't rtft. What I came to say was, if you think you might have the termination, get the ball rolling. You won't have to go through with it, but the waiting times can be several weeks. I have an appointment for a medical termination which will occur when I'm 9 weeks. My first call was made at 4 weeks. I can cancel or change my mind at any time. You will be offered counselling.

In my case, there is absolutely no way I can have this baby, so I wanted to get the process started asap and was shocked and upset to realise how long it could take. I will be incredibly upset. I am already. But I have no choice. Good luck to you.

Confusion

Hi noonoo I'm so sorry for what you are going through its a heart-rending decision. I have been here too, I have 2 DC and had an unplanned pregnancy. I terminated due to pressure from my DH it was the wrong decision for me but the best decision for my family.

My heart broke at the clinic my DH told me that I would ruin everyone else's lives for the rest of their lives if I went ahead with the pregnancy. I suffered mental.health problems afterwards and nearly ended my marriage as I blamed my DH I hated him. I felt so guilty and so incredibly sad, when I look back I don't know how I got on with my life back t I did. Fast forward 7 years and alot of counseling and I have accepted my decision and made peace with it. I can see that my marriage work of not have survived if we had had a 3rd DC.

What I am trying to say is that if you do terminate you will be ok, it won't be easy, particularly as like me you want to keep the baby. I still struggle when I think of what I did but, as I said upthread it was the best decision for my family but the wrong decision for me but I have accepted this. Good luck with whatever you decide I really feel for you.

Counselling?*

The nurses are nice*?

The BPAS is a business. They provide abortions. They provide counselling which is biased towards persuading you that having an abortion is a necessary, sensible step and that they will minimise your discomfort.

What they do not talk about is the rest of your life.

I'm a PTSD survivor from it. I know. And however nice the nurses, that's not the point.

My bold went wrong!!!!! Didn't mean it all to be highlighted!! 😬

Can anyone link to some good independent and unbiased online resources for the OP to help her?

I wouldn't know where to start.

Many women have abortions and do not suffer long term damage. That is also a fact.

Clearly the OP is conflicted, and I'm my opinion does not want and should feel pressured into a termination. But it is wrong to suggest that it is always something regretted.

So what do you suggest then if I go ahead and have an abortion then can't cope with it after? I KNOW they say that the actual statistics of poor mental health after an abortion are actually quite low, but I know myself best and how I react to very difficult trauma/ medical procedures. I found having a c-section with my son incredibly distressing.

To put it bluntly, yes it will be distressing for you but sometimes as parents we need to do things that hurt us because we need to put them first. And frankly you have no other option as you literally cannot afford to feed the ones you already have. I think you are being incredibly brave by putting your older children first

The BPAS is a business. They provide abortions. They provide counselling which is biased towards persuading you that having an abortion is a necessary, sensible step and that they will minimise your discomfort.

I work for them and this simply isn't true. They give unbiased and clear advice, not based on what OP should do but what she is feeling at the time.

They can sniff an 'unsure' a mile off and would never pressurise a woman into an abortion she clearly didn't want. She would be 100% supported in contouring.

Sadly though, it's usually there and used for people feeling such horrendous guilt and pressures from society telling them nice ladies have babies and bad women have abortions.

*Continuing, not contouring Not sure how great the fellow staff are at make-up techniques

Well.. I made an appointment to have a consultation to discuss the options at BPAS next week. The situation is obviously what it is but it will feel so awful and surreal walking through those doors to discuss ending this. It brings back horrible memories of how upset I felt before my ectopic pregnancy surgery when I was being wheeled past a pregnant lady outside the delivery ward on my way to theatre.