Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Well said Courtney 555.

@BendyLikeBeckham
They are a team by definition of being a family.

OP's husband should have been challenged much earlier.
To get out of the current shitty situation OP and husband should now work together to do the best for all of them. Any one of them going out alone will not bring a satisfactory conclusion.

Has he rung up for a settlement figure on the BMW? If he's new into the contract it will be costly to get out of, but if he's someway into it, it might be that he could come out of it (by selling the car back to BMW, they settle the finance and resell the car or part exchanging it ) with say £2000 which would be enough to buy something like a reliable cheap to run passat diesel. If its a desirable car with good mileage the figures can work.
But he has to want to do that.

I don't think down sizing the house is the way forward due to the costs involved and your mortgage sounds small anyway.

I still cannot get my head around him staying out the family home for 3 nights a week for £37,000 a year. I still think this sounds a cop out of family life, who would want to do that? Be away from your family unless you had to or the finance advantages really outweighed that? I still think the cost of that is more than the £15,000 pay cut for a local job. If he was home you could also potentially work, but him being away makes it all the more difficult for you to do anything.

SaveKevin there's no way he should be driving that BMW with the way things are financially for him.

But I can't see him swapping for a shitty little 2k car! All for what? Some pregnancy nobody even wants, beyond OP feeling sorry for it and too guilty to rid herself of it

OP, please go and look at the statements.
Put them into a format that you can easily analyse.

They will give you the best indication of whether you can afford another child or not. It will show you if there are corners that can be cut.

It will clarify for you once and for all whether affording another baby is at all possible. Don't give in to the abortion without first making sure you have all the pertinent facts.

Like a previous poster, I wonder whether you are keeping yourself in the dark about finances so that you can blame the decision on your DH rather than accepting he might have a valid argument.

I really hope you can find a way to keep the baby you do obviously want. But you need to have control over the situation and be making an informed decision, otherwise you could be forever wondering if you could have Found a financial solution which would enable you to keep the baby.

Why is everyone focusing on the finances?

They are the least of OP's problems.

She has a DH who clearly does not want another DC.

OP has health issues & is highly reliant on her parents, both financially & practically.

Am just finding this a really odd thread .

@MoreProseccoNow (great username btw) I think it's a matter of what is better for OP, her family being annoyed for a while when the baby comes, and her having the stress of another DC, vs. the extent she feels she really couldn't cope with an abortion. This is what IMO she would benefit from counselling to discuss.

Her parents clearly love her so I think they'll support her with a new DC when it comes. Similarly, if he's not a complete twat, her husband will bond with their new DC.

I have severe mental health problems, and I know how I'd feel about coping with a baby, but I suppose OP has managed it twice before.

Financially, people cope with a new DC, don't they? Cos they have to.

@MoreProseccoNow

I know. I can't understand the blinkered urgency to go through bank statements and refinance cars as some kind of solution here.

The extra child is not something anyone wants apart from OP. She's got no issues to put this extra burden on everyone else though, and so seems to mask all this by this weird pretence that it's only a bad idea because they can't afford it.

Their money management and financial set up is so poor that they take £hundreds every month from her parents, and that needs addressing now, forget the extra baby issue!

The two existing children that she relies on huge handouts to feed? The health issues she has? The feelings of her DH, who probably feels like there's a light at the end of the tunnel and they are about to start getting back on their feet, apparently should just be expected to give up xyz in a flash. And as a PP says, "for what?" so OP can indulge in a third child he doesn't want.

I wonder whether you are keeping yourself in the dark about finances so that you can blame the decision on your DH rather than accepting he might have a valid argument.

Massively this.

I think it's a matter of what is better for OP,

It's a matter of what's best for the family of which OP is one of four, two of whom are existing children. She's really focussing this decision all on herself, and that's so very selfish.

her family being annoyed for a while when the baby comes

Annoyed for a while is one hell of an understatement. Directly going against the wishes of the other parent? Adding a third child to two that they can't support as it is? Abusing the good nature of her parents because she knows even though they think it's a bad idea and already bankroll her family, she knows when push comes to shove, they won't have the heart not to bankroll even more.

Her parents clearly love her so I think they'll support her with a new DC when it comes.

Her parents clearly love her, and she knows this, and banks on letting them pay for yet another child because she wants it.

Similarly, if he's not a complete twat, her husband will bond with their new DC.

Why? He doesn't want the child. He's been honest right from the start. And for all the right reasons. Just because it's born, especially under these circumstances, he won't automatically want it. That's a real, and awful possibility. Which again, OP is happy to risk.

Financially, people cope with a new DC, don't they? Cos they have to.

Financially, OP and her DH significantly can't cope with the two DC they've already got. And no, you don't have too. You can have a termination. And not disadvantage the existing DC even further.

Even if OP looks at the bank statements etc and comes up with a great financial plan that won’t overcome the fact that her DH doesn’t want another child and her health issues might make caring for another baby as well as her 2 existing dc very difficult.
The finances are only part of this

How on earth are her parents ‘playing favourites’? Amongst whom

The parents are quite willing to support their son IL by paying the deposit and monthly rental for his car but when it comes to NooNooHead wanting to carry on with a pregnancy then suddenly the answer is no.

They would rather pay for a car than a child.

That in itself is f**ked up.

I really don’t see the effect that another baby would have on the children.

I have a 2 year age gap between mine and never even considered it was somehow terrible to impact Dds development with a baby brother.
The eldest will probably throw a hissy fit like she did when she found out she was getting a sibling but she has come round and loves her baby brother.

If anything I think it will do her good to realise she isn’t the centre of the universe which judging by the parents rhetoric they have cast her in the role of Golden Child.

Can you imagine if she found out later on you had aborted her sibling because you thought she wouldn’t cope with having a brother or sister

This is being made about finances. Everything those around NooNooHead are making it about either there is no money or the car payments stop

He doesn't want the child. He's been honest right from the start

I don’t think he has. If he honestly didn’t want more children he would have had a vasectomy

"Similarly, if he's not a complete twat, her husband will bond with their new DC.

Why? He doesn't want the child. He's been honest right from the start. And for all the right reasons. Just because it's born, especially under these circumstances, he won't automatically want it. That's a real, and awful possibility. Which again, OP is happy to risk."

Completely agree. It's crap having a child with someone when they weren't 100% in on the agreement. It doesn't get better over time!

I’m trying to understand this brave new world that some of you seem to be living in - where a pregnant woman is somehow morally obliged to have an abortion if her partner or parents decide she should do so.

And that if she doesn’t obey, them she is wrong and selfish.

Does it also work the other way - do all woman have to have babies if and when their partners and parents want them to ?

Don’t women have bodily autonomy anymore ?

Or is it only non disabled, financially independent women who have human rights?

Op, I’m sorry that MN has not been as supportive a place for you as some of us might have wished. I hope you make the decision that’s right for you and that you find peace.

The parents are quite willing to support their son IL by paying the deposit and monthly rental for his car but when it comes to NooNooHead wanting to carry on with a pregnancy then suddenly the answer is no.

They would rather pay for a car than a child.

That's the most bizarre interpretation. OP and her DH have two DC who they can't afford by a country mile, along with other issues they have such as DH being absent 50% of the week, and OP having health issues.

The parents dole out hundreds a month. Plus they've been even more generous and on top of that helped with a deposit for a car.

And now, when they can't afford the two they've got, DH doesn't want another child, OP is planning on having it anyway, and the parents are saying enough is enough. Fucking right! They'll be the one's paying for it on top of everything else .Just like they've bailed out this pair ,and the way they run their finances, left right and centre every month so their current grandchildren can eat. They know full well they'll be the ones picking up the pieces, just like OP and DH are happy for them to do now.

Because they're (finally) putting their foot down, and not allowing this entitled pair to live off them at a higher level, it's because they'd rather pay for a car not a child?

Behave. They'd rather pay for none of it. They're just trying to prevent being forced into more through OPs actions.

Olga Again, the decision will always come down to the OP and rightly so, nobody can physically force any woman to open her legs and have a termination held down and screaming (obviously).

But, they don't need to support her with their words or pretend it's an okay choice, or a sensible one or one that they agree with.

It's clearly very detrimental for all involved, that's the reality of it. And to have another child now is actually a bit shitty.

No, no, no that does not mean OP doesn't have the final say. She should always have the final 'say' since it's her who physically keeps or aborts.

a pregnant woman is somehow morally obliged to have an abortion if her partner or parents decide she should do so.

Yes she has the right to not have an abortion. Just how the fuck will she cope with that child!? Why should the grandparents be obliged to look after and pay for a third child, on top of the two the OP already has???

God some people really do live on another planet.

@Courtney555 @Beefcurtains79

Have you even read the OPs posts?

ALL she has done is think of OTHER people. How can you call her selfish? She has totally not been putting herself first, when she should be.

And all this catastophising about having another child. Who in the hell waits for the 100% ideal perfect circumstances? The world would be empty if we did.

And even then shit happens, marriages break down, jobs are lost, businesses fail, people get ill or die, Brexit happens. You cannot never have a child just in case the circumstances aren't ideal, or change to being not ideal. That is just life and you get on with it.

The OP is ALREADY pregnant. She is not musing over the pros and cons of the perfect time to TTC. I wish PP here would stop making her feel like shit, and making a difficult situation even worse for her.

and @Courtney555 you sound very much like her parents. Are you a grandmother or relative in a similar situation, helping someone you don't think deserves it? That is the only explanation I can think of for your horrid judgemental attitude. And even then I'm being very generous to you.

I have to say that I am not in a good place emotionally but I am trying to be strong for my parents, children and DH even if it means smiling, taking the DC out and to school, and generally having an air of light heartedness.

Underneath I am of course extremely worried, and have thought of nothing else but the effect on my two children. Even just this morning, I took my son to a local playgroup and saw that one of the mums had a tiny newborn and a toddler. She looked happy but quite harassed and of course totally focused on the 2 week old. She was understandably running in one direction towards her toddler while trying to hold and feed thr baby. I think she had her SIL helping her out too. I spoke to the SIL and asked her how the mum was coping with 2 little ones, and she said it was going ok but that mum of course was exhausted

I tried very hard to picture myself with a baby and my DS. I tried to see how his time with me would be halved, how my DD wouldn't get the attention to talk to me about her worries at school, her friends, her wellbeing.

I really tried to see how those I rely on would be affected, and how financially, emotionally and mentally they would be shouldering the burden.

I came home and read my dad's email again and sat down and I didn't think it was wrong, too harsh, or even patronising. I cried because I can understand why you put your other children first, why I am going to have to be a better mum to my children and a better wife to my DH if I have the abortion.

But it still doesn't stop me from being sad about having to do it, and that I don't worry about how I will feel. It will just mean that when I do feel like I don't want to go through with it, I will re-read my dad's email and remind myself to why I am doing it.

NooNooHead I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can't imagine how sad you must feel.

For what it's worth I think your DH is in the wrong here. Regarding your parents - I think that financial support is not the same as emotional or practical support.

I hope your DH enjoys his tidy, clean, quiet house with its home office when he's not staying at his Mum's or out driving his fancy car.

You are worth 10 million of him.

P.S. Don't have sex with him again unless he gets a vasectomy.

Hi op. Your situation sounds very tricky and I’m sure you know this but I just wanted to say that lots of women have abortions because they are good parents, it doesn’t make you a bad person and there is no shame. I fell pg unplanned when my youngest was 9 months and our financial situation was shitty. It came down to one question, ‘will this make us better parents to our dc and will they have a better lifestyle for it’? The answer was clearly no. No one particularly wants to go through an abortion but I knew I was doing it to ensure my kids had the mum and lifestyle they deserved (I don’t mean lots of stuff, but having the basics and enough of my time). In an ideal world would I love 3 kids? Yes but it’s a bit of a selfish want and not really driven by anything other than a innate desire. I think you have to break down exactly why you feel that need and I do think in situations where circumstances are not great head has to rule. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have no real opinion on your pregnancy as your situation is my worse nightmare.

But in regards to your finances find an app (I use Linxo, but I'm in France) and you just put in your online banking details and it takes all your transactions and puts them into categories with a bit of help from you. It helps you see your annual budget. You and DH can have the same login. It sends you a summary of spending from yesterday. A weekly one. A monthly one. Notifications of low balances etc

You can login on a computer and download it all into excel. It's been a brilliant tool for our budgeting. Maybe something to take your mind off what's happening and something that will have a positive impact on your lives.

The answer to the question "will this make us better parents to our dc" will, for some women, include the one she is carrying inside her.

I am very concerned for the OP, that many people posting here are completely failing to accept or acknowledge that the OP DOESN'T WANT to terminate this pregnancy. Why are you bullying and guilting her into doing it? You are no better than her DH and parents.

She is already vulnerable given her condition and feckless DH. She need support to make the decision for herself. Not brow beating into an irreversible serious life decision.

It is one thing to regret getting pregnant, but another to live with the regret of an unwanted termination just to please everyone else.