Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I just spoke to my DH now and he says 'Go and look at the bank statements in the filing cabinet in my office, there isn't a spare £500 I am hiding from you each month.' He says he is being as transparent as he can be with regards to money and that there literally is nowhere to cut back. He said he gets the best deals for utilities, insurance etc and even after cutting back on the car (which we can't do anyway) and the possibility of moving house, we still wouldn't free up enough money. He kept saying 'I don't know what you want me to say that I haven't already. We have gone over all these reasons why we can't before.'

So the best course of action is still staring me in the face. I will contact BPAS again tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment with one of the counsellors in the next few days.😥💔

P I really feel for you but one thing stands out to me in this situation. You are being asked to have a termination based on the fact that you cannot afford a 3rd child. Yet you do not have the full facts to back that up. This weekend you and your dh must sit down and write out all out all income and expenditure. You need to see it in black and white. I fear for you if you have the termination and then find out that there was enough money but your dh was not totally honest with you. If he wants you to have an abortion then he needs to give all the information about the finances.

Emotionally getting divorced might mean I am better off financially but my DH says he can't afford to divorce me, but I would be more concerned with the impact on my DC, especially my DD, if we did separate.

I don't actually want to get divorced either, and have been having massive thoughts about how we can look at the marriage and our relationship in general, with living expenses etc. It has highlighted a lot of things that probably should have been addressed a long time ago, so in some ways, that will be a positive outcome from it all too.

PumpityPumpPump what a sad story - I am very sorry to read of the outcome of your decision to keep the baby. This is what I fear might happen too if I was to go ahead with the pregnancy - it is a massive thing to do and could potentially have a detrimental effect long term.

Have you looked at the bank statements OP? Is it worth suggesting to your DH that you meet up with some financial advisor (do they even exist? Not sure) to help discuss finances? An Accountant maybe? at least before you make this huge decision? What will happen after the abortion re birth control etc? What if you get pregnant again? These are questions to ask him. xx

Im so angry with the stories on here, where men (usually) don't take responsibility for contraception, yet think abortion is the easy option!

it doesn't seem right that you feel pressurised into taking this enormous step, esp for financial reasons. after all you have not got yourself into this position by yourself.
your husband is just as responsible but you are the one who feels all the pressure.
how many people, esp in the past were sure they could afford a child.
there are benefits available. people generally manage with children they have, both financially, and emotionally.
very few people regret having a child.
if you were really pushed, could you contact social services and ask is there any way the child could be fostered until such time you feel more able to cope. if your situation did not improve, the child could then be adopted maybe.
you could still have a relationship with the child, if fostered, or if adopted at least after 18 yrs.

To some extent even if you weren’t pregnant it would be financially better for both of you if you divorced.

His income which he spends with little thought is holding you back.

If he wasn’t living with you, you could claim benefits and CM off him.

You would have 1/2 the equity of the house and he would then have less expenses and more disposable income.

I have a relative who although they loved their dh and he loved her they found it financially unviable to remain married.

They were always close and for many years they lived separately as bf and gf, co parenting the children until they had enough income that they could manage with out the need for benefits

Sometimes you have to be practical.

From what has been posted i don’t think you want to divorce.
If so I think there are areas where you can cut back if you choose, there always is.

Can you explain about him working 3 days per week in London. Is this part of his ft job or does he only work 3 days per week in London?

Have you got out the statements and looked through them with a fine tooth comb.

When Dp told me we were skint after he had been looking after the finances for a few years I went through our expenses and everything from mortgage to phone contracts and every little expense like having a newspaper delivered.
In one day I saved £1200 per month.

Is there anything you can do to earn a few extra pounds. I have friends who make jewellery or trade on eBay.
One made so much money from her pin money business that her dh and then dB gave up their jobs and now work ft in the business.

Even matched betting would bring a few quid extra.

Ultimately though is your dh completely against having a 3rd regardless of your income or is he saying that the finances make it impractical and you can’t afford a 3rd.

With regards to the effects on your children.
I have about the same gap as between what would be your 2 youngest and they are firm friends even now they are both late teens.

Your eldest might act jealous or she might not.
Girly days and making sure she is included in the upbringing and treating her like the big sister is all you can do. The rest is up to her

FWIW I have a friend who will never work again because of the injuries her exh inflicted on her.
She has brain damage and health issues.

She was faced with losing her house as she couldn’t afford the upkeep.

We sat down and looked at all her outgoings and all her income.

Once she knew how much she was short each month we set about finding ways to make up the amount each month
She rents out her driveway for £5 per day per car and can get at least 3 cars on the driveway. She Airbnb’s 1 room. She only has to have 25% occupancy to keep her head above water but she gets in more than that so is saving to go on holiday and putting some money aside to convert the garage into a studio apartment to house a 2nd lot of guests

Sometimes once you know how much you are short each month then you have a figure to tackle.

A word of advice - IF you do decide to go through with an abortion, speaking from experience, ask for the surgical procedure under general. I had this pre 12 weeks and honestly there is no pain, no physical trauma, just going under the anaesthetic then you wake up and it’s done. Friends I know who’ve had the pills had a tougher time. This is not meant to sway your decision in any way, merely practical advice, but as you said you find medical procedures distressing, this may be the best route if you decide to go with that option.

consider it this way. If your last pregnancy had been twins would this have been an issue. Would any of what is being discussed now have been discussed then.

@Rubicon80 @Wheelson I hope you weren't talking about me with any agenda. I have stated clearly I am pro choice. I defend the right if any woman to choose whether to remain pregnant or not. And I've encouraged the OP to put her own interests first, because all she is doing is thinking if what everyone else wants. She is being unduly pressured by family to do something SHE doesn't want. It is not my choice or opinion that is relevant. She should decide for herself. Indeed she has said what she wants which is to keep the baby. That is the default position when you are already pregnant. I am trying to support her. Yu however are kicking an anxious and vulnerable woman when she is down. Telling her she cannot cope and that she will ruin her other DCs lives? How dare you.

OP, I've said this before, don't take what your DH says as gospel. He says "we can't return the car". You accept it. He says "we can't make any cutbacks". You just accept it.

It is obvious to many PP here that he likes his luxury ride and he favours his own parents while sponging off yours. And you run around anxiously tidying the house so he doesn't get upset with toys left out.

Now is the time to stop being passive to his Mighty Man Opinion and a passenger in your own life. Take some control here. You are not a Stepford Wife.

Another thing I would have found useful to know having been through it is time is important.

I had many councillor conversations, many weeks of hiding it, going round and round the same thoughts.

My options got smaller. It went from being able to go somewhere locally and taking a tablet to having to go to London, overnight accommodation, being monitored, after care, someone staying, childcare arrangements for the other children.

Important to make the right decision but it definitely does snowball the longer you leave it.

I think your more recent posts have been more balanced and you are starting to process the situation so that's good. My last thought on this is to ask you to consider how you would cope if your baby is premature, ill or disabled. This happened to me, completely out of the blue, and my dd spent the first months of her life in 3 different hospitals, and it cost me at least £10 a day on travel, parking, food etc. for the first 3 months. I'm still impacted financially by her health issues 10 years later. I'm not trying to scare you into anything, but I never thought it would happen to me either. Good luck whatever you decide

To all the posters painting the OP’s husband as a heartless monster it looks pretty likely that your husbands job is unstable, and he has confided in your parents regarding this - hence your father gently pointing out to you the possibility of redundancy in future (something you seemed to have overlooked/ignored.
If you consider how that must be really stressful for him at his age with 2 young children as the sole wage earner, then imagine how adding another child will really pile on the pressure and I start to feel sorry for him and his own mental health.

And before you all go on about how he should have had a vasectomy I absolutely agree, however the OP should have been using birth control as well, so neither get a free pass on that one.

I just spoke to my DH now and he says 'Go and look at the bank statements in the filing cabinet in my office, there isn't a spare £500 I am hiding from you each month.' He says he is being as transparent as he can be with regards to money and that there literally is nowhere to cut back.

Have you gone into the filing cabinet? I do think you should take a deep breath and spend an hour looking at the statements so that you feel you have a firmer grasp of the finances. It's part of taking ownership for the decision, whichever way it goes.

This is meant kindly - is there any possibility that you don't want to be the person reaching the conclusion that a third child is financially unviable? You'd rather be the one who advocated for this baby and it's not your fault that you got overruled? I don't say that with any intent to be mean, but I think it might be a short-term coping strategy that creates anger, guilt and resentment in you later down the line.

Oh my goodness I hear you. I have just had a termination I desperately regret. Sadly there is no going back. To make things worse the day it happened my partner of 15 years left me to go stay with a female friend. I have a son already and I wish I hadnt done it. I know everyone is different and has different reasons why. When I did it, I was happy with the family I had and now its over I feel terrible. My thoughts are with you but you must follow your heart

'Go and look at the bank statements in the filing cabinet in my office, there isn't a spare £500 I am hiding from you each month.'

Because it's being spent.

How much does he transfer to the joint account? What bills are paid out of that?

This thread has been on my mind a lot. DH and I do not want any more children. He's supposed to be having a vasectomy but hasn't got round to it yet, which makes me so angry. If I got pregnant again I don't think I'd ever forgive him. We are currently using protection or just not having any sex. I've been in charge of the protection and baby making all this time, it's his turn!!!

If I did get pregnant neither of us would want the extra baby stress and life changes that come with it. But in true reality could I actually go through with an abortion? It's heart breaking and so sad, but possibly yes. My parents are my childcare and they would not look after another child. I would have to go full time at work with a. Child in full time nursery and we would have no luxuries at all of any kind. I think we would spiral into depression. I would die of exhaustion I think.

Imagine OP of your unborn child had special needs for example. I have a SN child. They are the love of my life but the extra stress, money and time....

You are sadly in a horrible situation and it is unfair that you have been dealt some shitty cards in life. But you have to make your decision with the facts you have now, and it does sound like another child would be an awful lot for you. Xx

I would definitely look at least at the last years bank statements to get an idea where the money is being spent.

You can’t take someone’s word that no cutbacks can be made from someone who leased a fancy car for £300 per month whilst taking that amount supposedly to feed his family each month from other people

It seems to be your parents are playing favourites.

If he thinks he can afford the car then you should be able to afford a baby.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

If he works only 3 days per week in London then why doesn’t he work 5 days there.

What is his pension looking like.

What other jobs does he have.

Can you find something you can do.

From an outsider looking in you may be married in name only but you appear to be 2 separate people living under the same roof all having your own private problems and agendas.

There seems to be no communication.

My Dp when he told me we were skint also said there was no cutbacks he thought he could make. But in 1 day I reduced our outgoings by £1200 per month

If only this was just about money which most posters are concentrating on.

There is a much bigger issue here that needs to be addressed first - quality of life for the other children both now and going forward, massively extra workload, husband aged 50 not on board with another baby at all as it appears he simply can't take the chaos and general upheaval of another baby. What happens if he loses his job etc etc. I can imagine with a two year old they are just about coming out of the major stress of a small baby and breathing a sigh of relief that life is beginning to get a bit easier and one part of the 'team' wants to throw the whole lot back to the beginning with very uncertain outcomes for everybody.

Once all this has been discussed in detail and agreements reached then it's time to look at the finances.

How on earth are her parents ‘playing favourites’? Amongst whom?

@pusspuss9 there is no 'team' here. Where is the team when the H buys a luxury car with his PILs money for the deposit, and then takes their money every month to pay for it?

Where is the team when H dictates what they can and cannot afford, while paying his own DP?

Where is the team when instead of giving his DW love and support and reassurance when he got her pregnant, he is pressuring her to terminate for his own convenience?

Where is the team when the H drives the large luxury car intended for family use and treats it like his own?

Where is the team when H has his separate bank account and only contributes part of his salary towards family expenses, levaing his DW in abject poverty?

Where is the team when his needs are paramount?

All Hail The Mighty Penis. Who must not be greeted by mess or toys or noise when he gets home from his Important Job.

FFS

If only this was just about money which most posters are concentrating on.
There is a much bigger issue here that needs to be addressed first - quality of life for the other children both now and going forward, massively extra workload, husband aged 50 not on board with another baby at all as it appears he simply can't take the chaos and general upheaval of another baby. What happens if he loses his job etc etc. I can imagine with a two year old they are just about coming out of the major stress of a small baby and breathing a sigh of relief that life is beginning to get a bit easier and one part of the 'team' wants to throw the whole lot back to the beginning with very uncertain outcomes for everybody

Absolutely this. The detriment to the quality of life of everyone else in the family, existing children, DH, parents who have spend hundreds a month already supporting the current set up, is something that appears to be a viable outcome for OP. That's seemingly viable as an outcome because she's very concerned about herself and her possible feelings after a termination. No one is dismissing how hard it can be (or not, OP can only speculate at this time about how something might affect her) to have a termination, and no one is dismissing the importance of anyone's mental health. But OP is prioritising only that. Acknowledging the detrimental effect, but quite ok to go along with it for her own reasons. She's got so much more than herself to think about here, and she's very much stuck on the path of "what about me".

It's not ok to have a termination (which for all she knows, she'll could end up coping with pretty well!), but somehow it is ok to watch the rest of the children and her husband live with the consequences of her sole decision whilst her parents will be picking up the ever growing shortfall. She is not a sole person. She is one of a family of four, already being carried to the tune of hundreds a month by her parents.