Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

@Rubicon80 'just in order to push their very obvious agendas.' Nah! That is falsely stirring. I think we just all want what the OP might be more able to live with. I've even been on pro-choice protests.

So what do you suggest then if I go ahead and have an abortion then can't cope with it after? I KNOW they say that the actual statistics of poor mental health after an abortion are actually quite low, but I know myself best and how I react to very difficult trauma/ medical procedures. I found having a c-section with my son incredibly distressing.

Of course I worry about the effect on my current DC. The impact of another sibling on my DD who found it hard to adjust to the arrival of my DS, and was quite jealous for a while but now is very proud and protective of him. She has adapted well, but of course I worry that another child would push her over the edge, especially as she will be entering puberty and going into secondary school- both very hard times for a child, even one as mature and astute as she is.

Yes, my DS will be affected by another one, how could he not be? I will be doing a lot for a new baby when he is just turning 2 so if course it will be hard. Again, at a time when a child's development is in a crucial stage.

You think I haven't really thought about all of this? Honestly? I laid awake last night for about 2 hours thinking of nothing but the effects of my decision on my children if I did choose that path. I don't think that I have actually thought as much about anything else in depth as I have been over the past fortnight.

And yes, the effect of our poor financial situation on my children and the impact upon their future is at the forefront of my mind, despite what you might think. It has literally been the only thing my DH has said every time we have a discussion on the subject.

My thread is totally genuine. I think it would be a very poor show to make this whole thing up, don't you?

@Caledonia what are you talking about?! @Rubicorn hasn't bullied anyone she's just giving her opinion as many others have given theirs. For what it's worth I agree with many of her points and think they are as valid as the ones you and other have made. However this thread seems more and more self indulgent as it goes on as the OPs stance is clear and I think we all know what the outcome will be..maybe a new thread about coping with three children and budgeting would be better.

@NooNooHead So what do you suggest then if I go ahead and have an abortion then can't cope with it after? I KNOW they say that the actual statistics of poor mental health after an abortion are actually quite low, but I know myself best and how I react to very difficult trauma/ medical procedures. I found having a c-section with my son incredibly distressing.

Well, then it sounds like you've made up your mind. It's not for me to 'suggest' anything to you. I have tried to give you a perspective, in good faith.

If you're confident that you will be traumatised by an (early) abortion, but that the process of going through pregnancy, birth, and looking after another child, in your already very strained circumstances, will be far less traumatic, then that's your decision, isn't it?

For what it's worth, I also have a history of mental and physical illness, and I've had an abortion. It was beyond any shadow of a doubt the right decision and I have never regretted it for a moment. (I've also had a miscarriage, and two children.)

I also found having a c-section was far worse and more traumatic. Why do you think that a third birth (whether by c-section or otherwise) will not be traumatising? Why are you so confident that a termination will be so much worse?

But I'll reiterate - I don't have an agenda. I've read your posts and tried to give you an honest response. I'm an internet stranger. The people who know you best, and obviously love and care for you, also think that it would be a terrible idea for you to have another child. You don't have to listen to anyone, though- it's your decision, in the end.

But the decision should be yours, rather than one made by people with a political agenda who have nothing at alll to lose either way.

@Wheelson if you read the entire thread you will see the OP repeatedly say that she wants to keep her baby. So much so that the abortion counsellor has told her that the NHS would not happily continue with an abortion that she clearly didn’t want and was being coerced into. Actually just read the thread title it says it all really!

The fact that so many of you have seen fit to jump on the OP and coerce her some more, due to personal circumstances, does strike me as hypocritical. I can only imagine the outrage if I were to be coercing a woman who wanted an abortion into keeping her child!

Oh and emotional language- calling a foetus a baby is it? I wonder how many parents to be who want their pregnancy refer to the contents of their womb as their foetus? I would imagine that’s pretty low and would show signs of being very detached.

Why is it that those of you who are so pro choice, don’t respect the op’s Choice to keep her foetus/ pregnancy/ baby. Not only that, you have been utterly vile to a woman in an already vulnerable situation, tearing her to shreds on here!

I would take my politics any day if it means actually being a decent human being instead of tearing vulnerable women to shreds!

@Interestedwoman
Rubicon80 'just in order to push their very obvious agendas.' Nah! That is falsely stirring. I think we just all want what the OP might be more able to live with. I've even been on pro-choice protests.

Maybe true for you. But there are a high proportion of posters on this thread who were drawn in by the title and whose agendas are glaringly obvious. I wasn't referring to you.

I do appreciate everything on this thread and have read all the replies - even the ones that actually have a basis in the reality of my decision and are harder to swallow.

Despite what PP think, my family and DC are my world and I literally would be devastated about my decision if it I had such a negative impact on them.

@NooNooHead My thread is totally genuine. I think it would be a very poor show to make this whole thing up, don't you?

Of course it would. And while we can never know if anyone is genuine on here, I'm only bothering to post because I'm working on the basis that you are. And therefore so are your children, and your parents, and everyone else in this situation.

And yes, Rubicon80 you are an internet stranger but your words have had an effect on me and I have read them and digested what you are saying.

@kmammamalto you clearly missed the vile posts that have been deleted by Mumsnet! @Rubicon80 has suddenly turned nice when called out on her posts. The judgement the op has faced over a situation she had no control over is an absolute disgrace and a display of mumsnet s worst in my opinion.

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever I'm not talking about the word 'baby' as well you know.

@NooNooHead If you have made up your mind to go ahead then I wish you all the best luck. I hope your parents are able to see their way to continue to help you and that you and your DH can sort out your finances to make it work for your family.

for you @NooNooHead

I do know what it's like to be pregnant in a very bad situation, I know what it's like to feel that you've let your children down because of your own psychological or physical health problems, and I know how difficult the decision is.

I genuinely think that you should listen to your parents because I haven't read anything from you on this thread that sounds like they are motivated by anything other than love, care and concern for you and your family.

But in the end there is no right or wrong decision. You'll decide one way or another, and live with the consequences either way. Only you can decide, in the end, which path you want to take.

And before my parents supported me,I had a career in publishing, a degree, my own shared ownership flat, and that was a decent life which was changed completely by an accident which could have happened to anyone.

So I adapted and got on with life the best that I could, and am fully appreciative of all the support that I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have. I do know that it could have all been a lot worse without this support, which is why I am doing so much soul searching about such a difficult decision.

Thank you Rubicon80. Everyone on here has honestly been brilliant and I have literally digested every word and analysed each reply. Whatever decision I come to, I sincerely hope it will be the best one for the future of my whole family.

I hope so too.

It's a hard decision.
You may regret an abortion.
You had mh issues after your csection and would likely have another if you have another child.
You would have more money worries and DH issues if you have this child.
Your other children will be OK as they seem to have a loving family around them.
On the fact it would be better if you had an abortion and began to build up to free lancing,improving your confidence which had taken a beating following your accident.
You are going to have mh issues either way ,I think and the pull to have a child that is within you is strong for all women.
Go to the clinic,have the counciling and then decide.You have time to think about how you want your life to be and how to get there.

Your two current DC, you and DH live via food handouts from grandparents

The hand out isn’t necessarily for food.

It has been structured that it is for food which makes the op sound like she can’t manage the basics when her husband is driving around in a £300 per month BMW

I would also consider how your DH will take to the new baby if you go ahead.

I went ahead with the pregnancy of our unplanned DC3.

I thought DH would get this rush of love for DC3 when born, he didn't, 3 years on, he still hasn't.

It's awkward, financially we have no holidays and haven't been away for 2 years, impacted other children's activities due to costs. Also having to rely on parent hand outs.

I do so much more solo parenting now as DH finds it too stressful with the mess and noise and I feel the guilt of putting him in this situation. Ends up just being me and the kids alot of the time.

It doesn't all fix itself when you choose to carry on with the pregnancy sadly.

Why are you not angry at your dh?

Apart from paying for the house and bills he lives the life of a single childless man. Away for half the week. His own private bank account. An expensive car.

Your finances are separate and you rely on child benefit and than a substantial amount from your parents for food and basic expenses. Your parents also pay for holidays so that you have a nice lifestyle as well, that is great as it means your quality of life is higher, but in doing so they are covering for your dh and enabling him to continue to live a separate life.

It feels like your parents are subsidising your family so that you stay together. They don’t want to rock your marital boat by having your situation get to the stage where your dh needs to change his lifestyle and pay for his family.

You would be financially better off divorcing him and claiming child support from him. Would you be emotionally better off as well?

Since you are (probably) keeping the baby, OP, I think that you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about retrenching financially. In fact, forget the baby for a second. Even if there was no baby, you are both living above your means. I'm not pointing fingers here, it is easy to do, especially with serious physical and mh problems. Some of us, myself included, have gotten into financial jams without experiencing any of those things. This may mean that your husband needs to stop paying his parents for a while (how much did that door cost, anyway?). It will probably mean moving to a smaller place and selling or renting your home out. The point is, that you and especially your husband have not taken a brutal look at these things because your parents have been bailing you out month after month and you haven't had to. Think to yourself, what would you do if they weren't there? What would you do to keep your kids fed? What actions would you take? It sounds like your husband doesn't see anyway to downsize (car, etc), and resents any discussion of such, but there has to be some way to live within your means.

Pumpitypump that's a really sad story. I'm not sure if you mean your dh doesn't love dc3 at all, I do not believe I could stay with any man who did not love his children.

It is a sad story and I write it from the spare room where I have been sleeping for the past few weeks.

I just thought once the decision was made then all the ducks would fall into place, right, 3 DC let's get on and make this work but with financial pressures, noise, space, new cars it isn't that simple sadly.

I suspect your parents are concerned about your marriage being under more pressure with the 3rd baby.

It really does feel that they are invested in keeping your marriage together. They are financially very generous so I don’t think the 3rd mouth to feed reason is plausible. I suspect they are concerned about your marriage failing under the pressure and you getting divorced and the added pressures that would bring.

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever I don’t think anyone on the board is trying to coerce the OP into an abortion. However, it’s not unreasonable to tell her if she chooses to continue the pregnancy, she also must find away to take responsibility for this choice and stop relying on handouts from her parents! As long as this thread has been running all that’s been said is ‘yes, I will talk to DH about finances’ however, over a week later, she still hasn’t. Why is the OP not doing the only PRACTICAL thing she could be doing to sort out her situation if she wants to keep the baby?