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Original poster

Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

999 replies

NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 20:25

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.Sad

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 02/10/2019 21:34

Why do you think it's such a great idea to cheerlead for her having more?
Because she's already pregnant and doesn't want an abortion.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 21:35

"They have a third grandchild and they had better learn to deal with it or but out! Same goes for your dh!"

Does that include giving up all the practical and financial support?

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 21:38

@Iggi999 Why do you think it's such a great idea to cheerlead for her having more? Because she's already pregnant and doesn't want an abortion.

Yes, I hadn't missed that, as she has been saying it repeatedly. However, as a parent, most of us realise that we need to think about the needs and happiness of our children (both existing and potential), and prioritise them above our own.

Deliberately getting pregnant in this situation is a fucking stupid, irresponsible and utterly selfish thing to do.

Iggi999 · 02/10/2019 21:40

Well it's just as well she didn't get pregnant deliberately then isn't it Hmm
I assume the vasectomy-dodging husband has some of this judgement coming his way too?

Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 21:48

Thanks Rubicon80 for your pretty harsh words. They make me feel so much better.Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 21:50

Yes - it wasn't actually a deliberate action. Hmm my DH was warned about the potential of this situation when my dad discussed with him about getting a vasectomy.

OP posts:
Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 21:51

@Wheelson yes it does and if they do she will be well out of it. As they are using their money to manipulate and control the OP!

If her parents choose to manipulate her like this then frankly they don’t deserve to get to know and love their third grandchild! No Mother should have to justify and fight to keep her much loved and wanted baby like this! The baby exists, they are already alive. The time for opinions about the suitability of the situation is over.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 21:51

@Iggi999 Absolutely. He's an irresponsible selfish person too.

@NooNooHead You don't need me sympathising and saying how awful everyone except you is. You've got most of the posters on this thread doing that. I'm so sorry that a tiny dose of reality is upsetting to you. I've read hundreds of words from you on this thread, and close to zero about your existing children and how this would impact them. Or indeed what yet another child, brought into this situation, might end up experiencing.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 21:53

Caledoniahasmyheartforever As they are using their money to manipulate and control the OP!

I'm sure they would be delighted to know that their forking out of thousands of pounds every year to pay for their adult daughter and her ever-increasing family is 'manipulative and controlling'.

The baby exists, they are already alive. The time for opinions about the suitability of the situation is over.

And here we have it. I won't say anything that MNHQ would object to, but it isn't really in the least surprising that a thread with this extremely inflammatory title has attracted quite so many anti-abortion... erm... advocates, is it.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 21:53

Oh look who is back @Rubicon80 - funny how pathetic bullies only come out when they have others to hide behind!

The Op did not deliberately fall pregnant, she may love and want her child now, that doesn’t mean she deliberately conceived,

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 21:54

'I would love to get more counselling but it was just going over the same things I said here. I didn't tell the pregnancy counsellor all of the ins and outs of the situation re: finances but she knew that I was very conflicted and that I was erring towards not doing it.'

That's what counselling is like. You often go over the same things again, and again and again, they're used to it. They're fine with it because it's their job, plus they and you will see improvement, with you becoming less conflicted and realizing what you want and don't want etc.

As to the thread- I like to think it has helped you, at least the longer it goes on, with people giving different input etc. Your dad's email isn't online elsewhere, so posting it doesn't identify him. You weren't asking people to judge it- you said you thought it was good- it's not 100% good though, to give you a catalogue of every possible doom and gloom you could be anxious about, including some that are not particularly related to you, but are supposedly political or environmental (and could be scare stories and completely wrong.)

Sorry, I've had a drink lol.

But basically, family (who IMO are being very coercive,) and when it comes to it even Mumsnet, are giving you/bombarding you with opinions.

What you need to focus on is what YOU feel, what do YOU want. No-one else needs to live with your decision in the way that you do. Any 3rd DC would be ok, you'd make sure of it. Anyway, I've probably kind've said my piece for now. Hugs and thinking of you xxx

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 21:56

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever and if that support is withdrawn, how is the OP going to practically and financially manage when her parents are paying £300 per month?

@Rubicon80 yup, definitely certain agendas being pushed on this thread.

Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 21:56

The reality of the impact on my family and current DC are only too real to me Rubicon80. I have only been giving facts on this thread, not twisting my words to elicit sympathy from all who reads it. For what it is worth, I have spent the best part of a fortnight thinking of nothing but the impact on my family that having another one will bring - and I contacted BPAS today to see what appointments they had.

So please don't start lecturing me on the realities of the situation and awful a parent I am.

OP posts:
Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 21:57

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever Oh look who is back @Rubicon80 - funny how pathetic bullies only come out when they have others to hide behind!

What? Huh?

No idea who you mean I'm hiding behind, but don't you have a clinic to be picketing?

The Op did not deliberately fall pregnant, she may love and want her child now, that doesn’t mean she deliberately conceived

Suggest you read the thread.

@Wheelson Aren't there just!?

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 21:59

Yes I am pro life- but I really don’t get people like you @Rubicon80 who call themselves ‘pro choice’ yet think it is ok to jump on the bandwagon and pressure a Mother who has chosen to keep her baby into an abortion she doesn’t want!

pro lifer supports Mothers choice not to have an abortion- as supposed pro choicers bully her into an abortion she doesn’t want

Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 22:02

I don't have an agenda. I am not someone who is deliberately trying to be goady with an inflammatory title or something else similarly provocative. I am entitled to my feelings and worries about the future on both my family and myself as much as anyone else.

OP posts:
Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 22:02

The only one picketing abortion clinics will be you @Rubicon80- your vile and cruel posts have been deleted throughout this post- you are so full of hatred and bile that it screams off the page.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 22:02

@NooNooHead You've barely mentioned your existing children on this thread, not even the one that's still practically a baby.

You've explained at length how you are unable to cope with managing your own basic needs, and those of the two children you have - you are completely dependent on your husband and your parents both financially and in every other respect- and yet every post you make on this thread is intended to get people to say how awful your husband and parents are.

All these posters bellowing "Yeah! Tell your parents to fuck off! You'll be better off without them!" are essentially suggesting that you put two already vulnerable children, and yourself, into a dire situation, which would actually put those children at serious risk, just in order to push their very obvious agendas.

They have no connection to your real life, and will not be there to pick up the pieces.

Assuming everything you say is genuine, I think you would be very, very, very unwise to push what is already a precarious and upsetting situation and turn it into a truly disastrous one.

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 22:04

Noo- I don't think it's as DragonMamma said and there's every chance your family- parents at least- will effectively disown you. They've proved by how they've acted how committed they are to helping you and your DCs. There's no reason why they should feel differently for any significant length of time towards a new one. I forget my point now lol but hope you're doing ok. How're you feeling?

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 22:04

And when I say picketing abortion clinics I of course mean as you bully and goad vulnerable women into procedures they don’t want or generally just to kick the women as they are down.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 22:06

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever The only one picketing abortion clinics will be you @Rubicon80**

???? Why would I be picketing abortion clinics? I am pro-choice Confused

@NooNooHead I wasn't suggesting that you had an agenda. I was saying that your thread has attracted some people whose only interest is in pushing their anti-abortion political agenda. As ever with these people, they don't give a shit about the impact that it has on the real women and children whose lives they destroy.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 22:06

@NooNooHead I wasn't referring to you when I mentioned an agenda.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 22:07

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever And when I say picketing abortion clinics I of course mean as you bully and goad vulnerable women into procedures they don’t want or generally just to kick the women as they are down.

Your posts make as much sense as your politics.

I trust you've offered the OP financial and practical help by PM, as she's going to need it, given that she doesn't have the resources to look after her existing children, let alone the potential future one.

pusspuss9 · 02/10/2019 22:09

@rubicon

I agree with the points you have made.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 22:10

"Yes I am pro life- but I really don’t get people like you @Rubicon80 who call themselves ‘pro choice’ yet think it is ok to jump on the bandwagon and pressure a Mother who has chosen to keep her baby into an abortion she doesn’t want!"

She hasn't chosen to keep her baby yet, that's what the thread has been about. I don't get people like you who try to pressure a mother by using blatantly emotive language to make her feel bad if she does decide to have a termination.