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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

999 replies

NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 20:25

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.Sad

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 02/10/2019 17:50

anchor a bmw on pcp (we don't know the length of contract) will have a substantial penalty clause to exit the contract and there will be a balloon payment if they wanted to own the car. My balloon payment on a substantially less prestige car after 5/6 years of pcp was over £5k... So the £13k isn't hugely outrageous from my experience

I do think your family finances are hugely murky - whether your DH is abusive or whether he is not savvy and you as yourself admitted OP that you're not confident (or made to feel not confident) with finances. Whatever decision you come to about the pregnancy... a frank rebooting of family finances is required
Flowers

AmourVert · 02/10/2019 17:52

It's just a turn of phrase, Iggi999. And even if it is dramatic, so what? This is a serious situation for the OP, after all.

I agree that this is a case of weighing up the lesser of the two evils now.

DragonMamma · 02/10/2019 17:53

I agree on the PCP front. The penalty clause for my (not as prestigious car) is £9k or so. My relative has high end 4x4 on PCP and hers is around £17k!

Apileofballyhoo · 02/10/2019 17:54

I definitely would not have the termination unless he has the vasectomy first.

OP you clearly don't want to. Flowers

Whether you do or not, you need to take a long hard look at how your DH treats you.

AmourVert · 02/10/2019 18:18

Apileofballyhoo ^ I agree.

OP, you have more time; I agree with the poster that said you would benefit from more counselling.

And of course, there is always counselling after a termination too, if that's the path you take.

You will not be left on your own feeling horrendous, even if means some of us don't get any work done because we're distracted by Mumsnet. Smile

Flowers
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 18:28

Thank you again all... please don't waste your time on this thread when you should be working! I would feel bad for distracting you with my problems!

I would love to get more counselling but it was just going over the same things I said here. I didn't tell the pregnancy counsellor all of the ins and outs of the situation re: finances but she knew that I was very conflicted and that I was erring towards not doing it.

During our second (and last) session, I told her about how i was 70% keeping the baby and 30% abortion. She said that the NHS website states you must be able to say your decision is made voluntarily, that it is 100% your decision, and that you have to be mentally able to make the decision. So she did think that as the decision wasn't made with 100% my reasons, they might not be able to do it

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 02/10/2019 18:30

Does your dad know you posted his letter on a massive Internet forum to be judged? You've already made yourself incredibly identifiable and it's a huge breach of privacy, whatever the situation. I would get that taken down.

FWIW I don't think this thread is going to do you much good as this is something you are going to have work out yourself and deal with it, whatever your decision. There is always support and advice on MN but here there are so many different views of the situation and no one is "right" as such. Independent counselling in RL may be more helpful?

I think this immediate crisis has highlighted the huge problem you have in your life, which is a lack of independence, which is also behind all this trouble with your parents. I remember your story as I have gone through something a little similar, so I am not unsympathetic at all. I know what it's like to lose everything professionally that you have worked for, and your security and way of life, and the way you see yourself. The guilt especially that your DCs lives, as well as yours, are different to what you had planned.

Again, this is something you need to get support with in RL, it's hard to face up to the huge adjustments in your life. But the fact is you are living in a four bedroomed house, with two cars, one of which is a BMW, and your parents are buying your children food as you can't afford to. There are some huge changes you need to make here whatever you decide about the pregnancy.

You don't seem to be addressing the issues of your finances at all, as the pregnancy worries are (naturally) consuming you. But if the finance issues had been/are sorted you may not be in such a bad position where your parents are threatening to withdraw support you have to rely on. I suspect like me, the finances are a huge elephant for you as they relate so much to the changes in your life and your DCs life, and perhaps you carry a lot of guilt (which you shouldn't).

There is a lot of speculation here as to whether your DH is financially abusive or you are both just burying your heads in the sand, and no one here can tell. I do think if you face up to the financial facts and make changes that you have to, you will actually feel a lot more happy and settled when you come out of the other side.

I know it's shit and it's unfair and sad, but your current situation is not sustainable. The fact is that the stress your parents are causing by threatening to withdraw their support, is also of your own making - with a relatively well earning DH and two DCs you have to take responsibility for their basic needs and not rely on others. Yes your circumstances have changed through no fault of your own, but it is what it is, you are a few years on and you and your DH are adults with children and have to take responsibility for your lives. There are changes you will have to make whatever you decide and I think proper independent support in RL would be really beneficial.

DragonMamma · 02/10/2019 18:33

Not that I’m saying you’re wrong but I don’t think every woman who has a termination always does it because it’s 100% your reasons. Many women make the decision for reasons such as yours. I’d like to think that they mean it’s 100% your decision to go through with the procedure.

From memory, the questions I got asked were merely tick boxes - the Drs who signed mine off (albeit I didn’t go through with it) just checked I knew my own mind and wasn’t being forced in to it. I.e. I’d gone there under my own steam.

DragonMamma · 02/10/2019 18:37

Sorry OP, I just think you’re (naturally!) hoping that you’ll ‘agree’ to it and that the NHS won’t sign it off, so that you can say that it wasn’t your decision to go ahead.

I don’t know anybody personally that has been refused a termination. Most women I know have had some level of doubt (because it’s only natural in some cases, surely) but as long as they’ve said their sure they haven’t been pressed to give their reasoning to be examined...

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/10/2019 18:49

The thing that strikes me is your mother, father and husband will breathe a huge sigh of relief when you have an abortion but not one of them has actually thought about the effect on you.

Not one of them has thought about what you want. Just what they want and how a 3rd child will impact their lives.

Why does you husband need a car to get down to his parents in Hertfordshire, if he is working in London then

A. There are trains from Norfolk or you can drive to Hertfordshire in a lesser car than a BMW.
B. If he is working in London 3 days a week then he will be commuting by train anyway. He is hardly going to be driving into Central London and parking up for the day.

And C. I don’t understand why it is costing you money to stay with his parents.
Surely if this is part of his job then don’t his company pay for accommodation and travel anyway.
My Dp travels the world. Sometimes he has to visit sites in the UK.

Never have we had to put our hands in our pocket to pay for a taxi or train ticket other than when he is working in the office

I think there is something going on with how much your husband actually earns.

Have you ever sat down and gone through his payslips and how much everything costs.

I think a lot of your MH issues are caused by living in this uncertainty.
People yelling you cannot afford something but not showing you why.

Your outgoings might be tight and maybe you need the extra money from your parents but without doing through everything with a fine tooth comb then you will never know.
Although atm I think it all sounds very shady and you are being tricked.
That is why something is holding you back.

If you are struggling for money I think keeping the baby, divorcing and selling the house and you going on benefits in the interim is going to ease the money worries for both of you.

FWIW I have a car which I lease that I have handed back before it’s due date. (Reached its mileage and was going to be cheaper to hand back a few months earlier)

I had to pay 50% of my remaining monthly payments.

What I don’t understand is you husband has payments on his car of £300 per month and you are being given £300 per month by your parents.

Surely the issue is your parents are paying for your husbands car not that you can’t afford to live.

NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 19:05

Yes Oliversmumsarmy - they probably will all breathe a sigh of relief, and you hit the nail on head there when you say that they haven't really truly asked me what I want - I think it seems to be a lesser important factor to be honest. I did tell the pregnancy counsellor this is how I felt last week.

I do agree with the point made above that I need to take responsibility for my DC and their basic needs, and that despite my circumstances that have changed health-wise etc, this is something I need to prioritize no matter what I decide going forward.

I will talk again to DH tonight about money and see if we can go through the accounts again properly at the weekend.

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 02/10/2019 19:06

OP I can't comment on your difficulties around the abortion question, but I will say this:

You husband doesn't have such a great grasp of finances if you're needing handouts for food and sitting with a car on what sounds like a PCP plan with a large balloon payment at the end and a substantial deposit. What was he planning to do with this? Pay the payment? Trade the car? Refinance? Return the keys and move onto a new vehicle (some allow for this)?

It seems he has funny priorities as a sole breadwinner on somewhere around £40k(?) but thinks he needs a £300pcm BMW to drive to his mum's and back once a week. Either he's not as financially literate as you think, or his flash car was more important than your family comfort.

lottelupin · 02/10/2019 19:11

It's actually illegal for any clinic to give you an abortion when you don't want it. Tell them you're being forced and they can't do it.

You obviously don't want it. There's no genuine reason fir you to do it, apart from to make the lives of your family and husband easier. But it's your body, your pregnancy. If you manage to go through with it, you may suffer really bad emotional after-effects, such as PTSD and anxiety, that will be with you fir the rest of your life. You will probably end up partly hating those loved ones who forced you.

It's a personal recipe for disaster.

You have to stick this out. Every day, every time they ask you, stall. Say you're just not sure. Do it every day to 12 weeks. Then say it's too late.

You have to be very strong. But I'm sure you can do it.

lottelupin · 02/10/2019 19:13

Oh and go to your GP, register as pregnant and explain your situation but that you're not terminating. You need someone near you to support you. The GP will ask if you're sure, and say you are and please don't ask me that again.

Your family and husband will come round and in less than a year they'll be posting baby pics and hugging and loving the baby.

Don't ruin your life.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 02/10/2019 19:20

Nooo I think my post reads more harshly than I meant it, I was (very clumsily) trying to say that if you can take an honest detailed look at your financial situation and make the changes you need to, you will feel better.

I wonder if you're avoiding it because it seems so hard and depressing and bad, but in actual fact you can come out of the other side of it you will feel more in control and actually "more free". It's a good thing to do not a bad thing, you're confronting the situation which might give you the strength to find it easier to accept.

Or I might be projecting and talking out of my arse Grin

(But I would get your dad's letter taken down, it's not fair to share with 1000s of people something he has written privately. Especially as so many are judging him so badly, when I suspect if he gave "his side" of the story it would read very differently. Another reason why if you can sort the finances and not have to ask/take money from your parents they won't have the hold they do over you and you can have a better, more adult relationship).

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/10/2019 19:58

Agree that your husband doesn’t seem to be financially literate.

I would be asking him some questions over the finances of why his company aren’t paying for his 3 day stay in London each week.

Why he took on a £300 per month car when you are taking money from your parents.

How long does the £100 per month repayment for the front door have to go.

Could you swap Sky for Netflix/Amazon

Are you on the best phone/insurance/power contract.

Even after the discussion and even if you could afford another child would your dh be able to get his mind round having a 3rd.

I get the impression your parents think it is your fault you cannot manage on your income. When you by the looks of it don’t have a clue how much your husband earns or where the money is going

Courtney555 · 02/10/2019 20:16

OP I haven't read the full thread.

I've got the basics from the first couple of pages, and my honest advice is that I agree with your family and you are being unbelievably selfish. The only reason you can come up with that's beneficial (and beneficial only to you) is you not wanting to have a termination and feel bad after. That is no basis to bring a life into a family you already can't afford.

Your two current DC, you and DH live via food handouts from grandparents. You can't provide for the children you have, and yet you are happy to increase their hardship, go against the wishes of the father, and add further burden to your parents, all because it's your preference.

You think you'll find it hard getting over a termination, and feel great concern for that, but seem to have no problem looking that child and the others in the eye, as you place everyone in a much worse situation.

Sorry OP, but you needed to hear that. You are being so selfish. You have two children you can't support already, and you're being so blasé about the effect on their lives because you don't want to feel bad by not throwing a third onto the mix. You know your parents will stump up more because they have too and you're quite willing to allow that. You're thinking of no one but yourself.

BendyLikeBeckham · 02/10/2019 20:21

OP, I haven't seen your dad's letter as it has been taken down, but if my DD (who is married with a family) told me she is pregnant again, and if there were difficult financial or other circumstances, then the ONLY thing I would say to her would be this:

I am your mum and I love you, and I am here for you whatever you decide

Nothing else needs to be said.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/10/2019 20:24

Courtney, it's more that the OP's husband doesn't share his salary with her and pays for an expensive car instead.

BendyLikeBeckham · 02/10/2019 20:28

and as for the impact on your other 2 DC, every child who has a new sibling has some sort of impact on them. This is not necessarily bad. I think the PP who are Pearl Clutchers and saying "think of the children " are those who only have 1 or 2 DC.

3 is harder than 2, but not 3 times harder. You cope because you have to. You've managed with so much crap in your life so far, you would manage this if it's what you decide.

You are allowed to simply inform your DH and DP that: "I am pregnant. It has already happened and you need to accept that. We will just have to get on with it. I either have your love and support or I don't. Do you really want to lose me over this?"

Greatbootsboots · 02/10/2019 20:56

I think the PP who are Pearl Clutchers and saying "think of the children " are those who only have 1 or 2 DC.

They could also be people with multiple siblings. And the OP has said she already needs a lot of help.

OP, while I very much empathise with your situation, there are a lot of factors going on here. It’s obviously only your decision to make though, ultimately.

What does strike me about your posts is that you are concerned you won’t get over an abortion - but surely having a baby is also a massive mental upheaval? People actually don’t always ‘cope because they have to’ - hence the prevalence of PND. You need to make sure you will have a good support network if you go through with the pregnancy, given your mental health issues and unresolved grief.

I think a BPAS counsellor is probably your best bet if you haven’t seen one already (sorry not RTFT).

Good luck with your decision Flowers

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 21:02

"Don't ruin your life."

Don't be so overly dramatic to push your own agenda.

Dowser · 02/10/2019 21:14

The only person who wanted my third baby was me
I was under a lot of pressure to abort him from husband and family.I refused point blank.
He’s just visited me today. Hes given me three fabulous grandsons and was there for me when his dad had an affair and upped and left.
In my case it was a no brainer...and his dad loved him to bits..despite his cleft lip and palate, wonky hands and feet, his turn in his eye and tongue tie.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 21:31

I honestly don’t see how your dp can continue to pressure you like this, I missed your DF letter but it sounds manipulative at a time when you are meant to be making a choice that is right for you. Not your parents, not your husband for you! You are not selfishly trying for a baby when things are tough, your baby is already alive and you should no more be pressured into getting rid of them, than you would be pressured into getting rid of one of your dc.

You have three children right now, two skin side and one in utero, they exist, they have a heartbeat and you want to keep them! What your dp and dh are saying now is no longer an issue. Tell your DP to take up their issue with your DH, who should have had a vasectomy when they suggested it months ago! You are not trying for a baby, therefore you do not need their opinion or input! They have a third grandchild and they had better learn to deal with it or but out! Same goes for your dh!

You are stronger than you realise OP! If your baby was in your arms right now and they continued to try to force you into ‘getting rid’ of your baby how would you react? You would likely tell them to stop being so bloody toxic, that the baby you are carrying is their grandchild and their cruel insistence that you rid yourself of them makes you question just how good they are as people! You wouldn’t want them anywhere near you or your baby! Likewise for your dh!

It horrifies me that parents who are meant to love you, who have gone through the pain of losing a loved child, would try to force you into a termination when they know that you are already attached to your baby!

If they really love you, they will support you no matter what you do! If they deliberately cut you off for keeping your child, then they don’t deserve you anyway!

Financially you can make cutbacks, you can take on some extra work, even if it’s ironing for other people in the evenings or during the day. You will manage, you don’t need your dp or your dh to be a great Mum! Your children will never hate you for having their sibling, they will just adapt to a new normal and love their new baby sibling.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 21:32

@BendyLikeBeckham I think the PP who are Pearl Clutchers and saying "think of the children " are those who only have 1 or 2 DC.

Did it occur to you that maybe some of those posters only have one or two children because they were aware of the potentially extremely negative impact that further children could have on their family?

The OP is financially, logistically, physically, mentally and emotionally unable to manage herself and her existing two children.

Why do you think it's such a great idea to cheerlead for her having more?