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Original poster

Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

999 replies

NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 20:25

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.Sad

OP posts:
SaveKevin · 02/10/2019 16:29

I think your dads out of order sending that after your pregnant. Fair enough if you’d confided you were going to start trying.

I know they are supporting you, so feel they have a say. But I don’t think any of that needed saying to you.

pusspuss9 · 02/10/2019 16:30

yes living in lala land is always a good idea....

sweetmotherog · 02/10/2019 16:34

SaveKevin it's the reality.

This isn't just about OP. This decision has an impact (a huge one) on other people in her life too, especially her current DC who should be the main concern

Apileofballyhoo · 02/10/2019 16:37

pusspuss This is relationships not AIBU, the OP is doing her best.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/10/2019 16:39

I can't understand this thing of the impact on her current DC. By that logic, everyone in the world should have just one child.

sweetmotherog · 02/10/2019 16:44

Apil No, because the impact on her current DC in particular would have a negative effect.

Not everyone in the world doesn't have the finances or poor mental well-being not to have additional DC. And quite frankly, there are many people in this world who certainly shouldn't be having any additional DC, or any DC at all...

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 16:44

I think your dad's email is pretty fair to be honest.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/10/2019 16:51

OP tell your Dad you don't think you would need the money from him if your DH hasn't chosen such an expensive car and that he won't consider changing it, and just fobs you off by saying about not being able to afford to buy it outright when you suggest changing it. Also that you have no access to his money and no idea how much he spends and on what, and that he just gets defensive and argues if you ask.

The more you say about your DH the more awful I think he is. He doesn't like noise and untidiness? You're a single parent for half the week and he does hardly anything when he is home? Does he work from home the other 2 days? Do you ever get a break from the children?

I'd say your Dad has your DH marked up already and just doesn't want you to be even more tied to him.

SaveKevin · 02/10/2019 16:52

I’m not disputing any of what her dads saying, I just don’t think it’s fair or right to say it.

Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 16:56

You must all think I am mad not to see the sense that I being told by various people - it is obviously not a black and white situation but then in many ways, it IS.

I just wish I had the courage to do this alone and make a decision about it. You're right, the procrastination is half the problem in a way.Hmm

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 02/10/2019 17:01

I think your dad is a manipulative git. Wouldn't it be great if he'd said all this to his son in law regarding having a vasectomy so this situation did not arise? His daughter views a termination, for her, as the end of a baby and she doesn't want this.

SaveKevin · 02/10/2019 17:01

i don’t think anyone thinks your mad, we aren’t the ones who walk in your shoes.

LittleMissMarker · 02/10/2019 17:03

Lovely? Not at all.

you and the world really have no need for more

What a cruel wicked thing to say. Your father has told you the world has no need for your child (his grandchild), and that you have no need for your child? Imagine him telling your grown-up child that twenty years from now. And get angry.

Not only over-populationand global warming, but the present politics and economics in our own country are not encouraging. Whatever happens with Brexit, things will not improve for some time it seems.

Well that's a stupid ignorant thing for him to say, as if there has ever been a perfect world to bring children into. Yet we do it, and love our children, and do our best for them whatever the circumstances.

Your parents are perfectly happy to pay for two children to get extras like trips to EuroDisney, but if you have a third they will all have to live in "poor conditions"?

That whole letter is a piece of manipulation wrapped up in sugar.

Where is your anger at these people?

Apileofballyhoo · 02/10/2019 17:03

Sweetmother how would the impact on her children be any more or any less than on any other children who have another sibling.

Also the OP doesn't have mental health issues. She had a head injury and now has a physical condition related to medication she was on for that.

Her parents are giving her money because her DH is spending the family money on an unnecessary car and God knows what else.

The OP is living in poverty because of her DH not because there isn't enough money. She cleans the house, does the shopping, takes care of the DC. She's not an invalid and she gets no help with cleaning, cooking, shopping or childcare. Her children are not neglected. She loves spending time with them. She hasn't complained about being too tired to cope with them or manage them.

Her Dad hasn't said in his email that she won't be able to cope with this, that or the other with older DC specifically because of time constraints due to another child.

The concerns seem to be more about DH's age and finances and Brexit. To be honest DH's age and finances are problem for the DC they have already.

OP does your DH have a pension? What would happen if he lost his job due to Brexit?

It's all very well saying the best thing to do is a termination, but what if DH still won't get a vasectomy? What if OP becomes so unhappy that she actually can't cope with the current DC?

OP, are you afraid of your DH? Can you ask him if you can go through all the finances to see where you could cut back?

Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 17:04

Well the thing is Iggi999 he did say this to my DH about getting a vasectomy after my DS was born...

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 17:07

This is all such a bloody mess really. And I am the twit stuck in the middle of this misfortune.

I should have the damn abortion and be done with it. I am phoning the clinic now and seeing what they say. I am fed up with all the angst and procrastination - I feel so torn that I am having to do this but at least I won't be prolonging the bloody agony of it all.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 02/10/2019 17:17

What do you want us to say? I'd be surprised if a clinic would perform one on someone so clearly conflicted tbh. As you are pregnant the default position is that you remain of. The choice is that you can choose a termination if you want. This was never meant to be something that is held over women who didn't want one.
I've miscarried at the stage you are now, so I know how easy it is to feel very attached to what might for others be "just" an embryo.

Original poster
NooNooHead · 02/10/2019 17:19

Just spoke to the general enquiry line at BPAS re appointment times etc and even just calling them made me feel so awful.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2019 17:28

My DH looked into downgrading the car but would still have to pay back the remainder of the balance and that would be £13k... plus then finding another sizeable amount for a cheaper car deposit is again money we don't have

That isn't how it works; and he knows it. Not on a new BMW. He just values his car over anything else.

NooNoo I feel hugely for you, and I am so sorry that you're in this position. The procrastination is what I'd do, even though I know it wouldn't help. The financial issue is the one you can't get passed. Can you look at your finances tonight? Now? See if this is possible right now, and have an answer by tomorrow?

AmourVert · 02/10/2019 17:32

Whichever way you go on this, OP, there are good people here who do understand and do care.

You're torn and it's sad and lonely and stressful right now, but you will heal, like you've healed before, whether it be bereavement, illness, or any number of things that life can throw at us.

I've been through some awful stuff in my life, times where I was sure I would never be happy again. But in the end, that was proved to be wrong.

DragonMamma · 02/10/2019 17:38

I think your dad is getting an unfair bashing on that email.

My family sounds as close as yours (although they don’t support is financially in anyway) and if I were to get unexpectedly pregnant then my mum would definitely put her two pennies in and give her opinion. She’d ultimately support me either way but even at my age, she would want to try and guide and advise me in the way that she feels is best. It may come across as being manipulative to some but I’m sure it comes from a place of fear for you and your existing DC.

My first DC’s bio dad and his mother tried to pressurise me in to an abortion, to the extent that they would sit on my bed and just talk at me and how it would ruin their lives Hmm. I didn’t go through with it because I didn’t want to and I knew that I could do it alone, without support - which is exactly what I did and we basically didn’t see him again.

I think you’re waiting for a scenario that’s not going to happen - you want this baby, but you know you need the support to do it and I suppose, want your DH and parents to actively support and encourage you to continue. I just can’t see that happening for you unfortunately so the decision must seem that much harder. Keep the pregnancy - maybe set an atomic bomb off in your current life and family set up. Or terminate and face whatever mental health issues you feel it may bring you.

I think the decision is deciding which is the lesser of the two evils, for you.

Iggi999 · 02/10/2019 17:42

An atomic bomb Dragon? Over dramatic, much?

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 17:48

Noo- I think your dad was wrong to give you even more things to be anxious about.

Don't feel you have to rush to make a decision or have a close deadline- I really think you should have more counselling to decide, and you still have plenty of time.

Your husband is awful. £37,000 is a good salary. None of this with your parents paying for relative basics should be happening (this isn't a value judgement, just a statement.)

Your children won't miss out on anything they need materially.

Are you on DLA/PIP for your health? If not, it could be something you could try and claim to get a bit more money. If you already tried once, have another go.

nilcarborundum · 02/10/2019 17:48

Can I just say @NooNooHead , if you DO get coerced into having this abortion by your family, you should sit them all down, mother, father and husband, and then say that you have decided to have the termination, but ONLY on condition that your H has a vasectomy at the same time ( or you could be on the same position in 3 months!) see how he likes that!

DragonMamma · 02/10/2019 17:49

I wouldn’t say it’s that over dramatic (maybe a tad Wink ) but the worst case scenario here is that her DH and parents resent her decision, the marriage breaks down and the OP is left as a SP to 3 young children when she’s got some considerable health concerns.

I’m not saying you can’t be a single parent under those circumstances (many are) but you can’t blindly hope everything will turn out OK and that everybody will come around to the idea. There’s every chance they won’t, unfortunately.

I feel very sad for the OP. She’s between a rock and a hard place and neither paths seem particularly brilliant.