Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

pusspuss9

This is about finances.

If op was awash with money do you think she would be posting.

The issue with her husbands earnings is he apparently earns too much for them to be on any benefits but can’t afford food.

Something is going on that doesn’t sound right.

I was making the point about going on benefits because atm he cannot manage on a ft salary

I suppose by asking questions I'm trying to figure out why the OP's parents are so determined for her to have a termination. OP says they don't provide childcare. They don't clean OP's house or pay for a cleaner. They provide money which enables the OP's DH to drive an expensive car. OP's DH works rather have an expensive car than support his wife and children, and is vague on details when it comes to his finances.

OP's parents seem to be worried that OP neglects her eldest DC in some way. OP says she doesn't neglect either of her children and is capable of looking after both of them. OP's second child is 18 months old I think.

OP's husband won't get a vasectomy but wants OP to have a termination so he can keep his expensive car (£300 per month) and contribute approx £170 a month to his parent's household where he sleeps 3 nights a week. He is also paying back a loan to his parents of £100 a month which was to fix the front door of the house, and is nearly paid.

OP's parents subsidise OP and her DH about £300 a month. They also paid the deposit for the car so that OP could have a better car. But OP drives a banger as the new car is DH's and he takes it away half the week, although OP is allowed use it when he's home.

OP's DH has a take home pay of about 2100 a month, OP thinks. If he worked nearer home she thinks his pay cut would mean an annual salary of about £17000 instead of £32000.

Posters have suggested returning the expensive car to the dealer and getting a smaller car loan. Possibly £100 per month, freeing up £200. As OP's PIL are nearly paid back, that's another £100 per month freed up, giving £300 total, so OP and her DH would be able to provide for themselves and their children without financial support from OP's parents. They also have a SKY package of £68 per month (that's a fair amount of food) and a mortgage of £500 a month for a 4 bedroom house. OP doesn't really know what her DH spends money on and attempts to ask about anything lead him to get defensive and argue.

Whether enough cut backs could be introduced to support another child or not I don't know. I don't know how many years are left on the mortgage. I don't know why OP's parents think she can't cope currently. I don't know if DH comes home after his 3 days away and does everything for the house and DC (seems unlikely).

It's not a straightforward situation of I can't afford another child. It's a question of choices to be made for what some people might consider luxuries. The present DC aren't getting much use out of Daddy's car either.

I probably wouldn't want another child with that kind of DH, but it's a different thing when your pregnant already. Some women find it hard to come to terms with having a termination, especially if they would like another child.

OP, I hope that that summary is fair.

I don’t think her parents are manipulating her at all! They are simply being very clear that financing another child is not an option. It’s good to be able to make decisions with all the facts and consequences

As far as I can see they have set out in their opinion why it wouldn’t be a good idea for a 3rd child and if they had left it at that then fair enough.

But repeatedly emailing and saying the same thing over and over suggests more of a heavy handed approach of trying to get op to bend to their will

My DH looked into downgrading the car but would still have to pay back the remainder of the balance and that would be £13k... plus then finding another sizeable amount for a cheaper car deposit is again money we don't have.

I think my DH feels like 2 DC are his maximum to be honest. Even fairly recently, he was saying that he couldn't stand the noise and chaos (our house is really tidy considering that we have 2 DC), and my DH is quite OCD about tidyness etc which is why he struggles to deal with the chaos that children can bring.

On the Friday evening that he comes home, I ensure that the house is tidy, and put all the toys away, do the washing up, etc. So he doesn't come back to chaos at all. I could quite easily leave the living room looking like a tip with toys everywhere and the kitchen in a state, but I like to be tidy and organised (plus I know he isn't very tolerant of the chaos).

OP it feels like you are being coerced into having an abortion. If I were you I would completely forget what your family are saying and do what is right for you. Otherwise you are llikely to have serious regrets.

OP's DH would rather have an expensive car than support his wife and children.

@oliversmummy
^
This is about finances.^

It is also about finances but her OH has said he isn't able to cope with another baby and all that it bring. Finances is usually an issue that you can get past, if only existing on beans on toast, but the wider implications of bringing another baby into the house are far more far reaching especially if the mother has MH issues and other small children to contend with.

My DH looked into downgrading the car but would still have to pay back the remainder of the balance and that would be £13k... plus then finding another sizeable amount for a cheaper car deposit is again money we don't have.

OP I'm sure the car is still worth more than £13000 as you've paid a deposit of £2000 and have paid quite a bit off the loan. Can you phone the dealership and find out?

You wouldn't need a deposit for a straightforward loan.

And what about you, OP, regarding noise and chaos?

Could YOU cope with more, would your illness allow for it, have you got the energy to do this?

If the answer is 'no' or 'not really', this will have to form a significant part of the decision making.

Apileofballyhoo that is a pretty good summary, and it gives most of the picture I am dealing with. The finances side of things isn't going to be so clear as I am not privy to my DH's own bank account, only our joint one

I think he must earn around £37k but I will double check that again. Even with the cutbacks financially, the situation really isn't doable according to DH and DP. My parents were pretty adamant in their opinion about it today, even thousands of miles away on a cruise. My mum didn't think that downsizing the house would be a good option to help with finances, pointing out it would be unfair on our current DC to be squashed into a smaller house.

Even my MIL thinks we should stick to two DC, and wasn't impressed with the situation.

Squashed into a smaller house. What is all this middle class bollocks. Your parents are helping the family buy food. Ergo, you guys cannot afford that big house.

If it wasn't just about the money or the impact on others, then yes I could deal with the noise and chaos. My movement disorder does flare up with stress and I do get migraines occasionally too which can be pretty debilitating. The difficulties looking after 3 DC when a migraine attack happens is something I have seriously considered too, as obviously DH isn't just down the road to come and stop work to help out.

he needs his to drive to his parents on a Tues night to stay there (in Herts, we live in Norfolk)

You reckon? I don't. Well he could stay with his parents some of the time but that's also when he's free to see his girlfriend. Supposed debts to his parents leave him leeway to spend money with her. Could also explain why he never got around to that vasectomy - he has the possibility of a new start in mind when he has "nothing more to give" you. And why he's so skint and relying on support from your parents.

he drives off in his nice car and leaves me with my old banger but we do have use of it during the rest of the time he is here.

Also a banger wouldn't impress his girlfriend.

'Not impressed with the situation'. FFS. You're already feeling bad enough without someone saying something superior and shitty like that.

The 'squashing into a smaller house' is nonsense too, IMO. Oh, the poverty! Having to give up the forth bedroom that's only a spare anyway!

I don't think this issue is anyone else's business other than you and your husband. It certainly shouldn't be. It always seemed strange to me that all these family members are sticking their oar in about something as personal and individual as a termination.

Whichever way you decide to go, this has to serve as a turning point where you and your husband aren't reliant on your parents to put food on the table.

I'm disturbed by the fact that your husband has another bank account that you can't access.

Oh op xxx
I am so sorry. My mum tried to get me to have an abortion and was pretty awful my entire pregnancy. I’ve never forgiven her. If I had done it to appease her, again, I could never have forgiven her.

Once your decision has been made I think you need to sit down with your dh and do the maths. The finances don’t add up, you shouldn’t need that money from your parents. I hate those pcp deals, they seem a good idea “shiny luxury car” but it is on the never never, and when you add up £300x 36 + £2000 you’ve a decent amount for a car. Your dhs life 3 days a week away, I bet that costs close to the 15k salary reduction to work near you. If he worked near Home could you find employment easier? Sitting at home with others making decisions for you - your parents, DH. Will do your self esteem no good at all.

I’m so sorry op. There isn’t an easy right or wrong. But I think you need to look at this as a pivotal moment and start to move forward and make changes for you this reliance is going to destroy you.

I wish you well op

Definitely on pivotal moment. ^

You do present both sides of the argument very clearly OP. And were you thinking about TTC then I’d give your opinion and your husbands equal weight.

But as you are already pregnant and the baby is living in your body , legally and morally there’s only one side here - which is what YOU want. What’s the decision that YOU can live with best?

Whatever you decide, it’s YOU that’s bears the brunt of it. Your husband doesn’t support his children financially at all or care for them and your parents seem to do nothing but give you money for your children so your husband can drive a new BMW. So IMO they are not helping you at all - they are helping him.

Your father trying to pressurise you into an abortion which you don’t want is outrageous IMO. Whatever happened to a woman’s right to choose!

So you must do what’s right for you and not for them. Only you can decide. Neither your husband or parents can tell you what do with your own body.

It sounds like you have decided against adoption and are deciding whether to terminate or go ahead with the pregnancy , is that right ?

Yes, that is right 0lga. I don't know if I have the strength in me to go through an abortion (I would opt for surgical as I wouldn't want to be on my own with a medical) knowing that I agreed to have my baby (or embryo / foetus if I am being accurate) vacuumed or cut out of me. I know that it isn't supposed to be a sentient feeling being, but the thought of how it is done still distresses me greatly. I am not sure how I would be able to deal with that after really.

Sorry for the graphic description and if this has upset anyone.

It is outrageous, especially when :

1. He should have got a vasectomy but didn't. Too afraid to, couldn't be bothered, whatever.
2. He didn't use contraception.
3. He knew he didn't want another child and knew he couldn't afford one.
4. His wife has been through a very tough time with an illness due to an accident.

As another poster rightly pointed out, 'you told him you were less fertile, not infertile'.

I really feel like all these people are just taking advantage of the OP's good nature. It's patronising, 'aww, you little thing, you're too fragile to make a big decision, so we'll make it for you'. Which is shit again, because the OP has a degree, used to have a good job, etc etc, and has clearly always been capable.

He really needs to take more responsibility and be much more supportive. Doing a bit of reading online about car balloons and just telling his wife 'computer says no', is just not enough support for this situation.

You have had such excellent advice and support here, OP. And some nasty comments I hope you ignore.
I agree, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you are important. Please stop putting your own wants and needs last.

Thank you all again, especially AmourVert and BendyLikeBeckham for being so supportive and kind. I honestly feel like you understand me better than my DH and family at times in this situation and its impact upon me. Obviously they are the ones who will be directly impacted by my decision, and as you say, they don't seem to be able to grasp the potential long term effects of the abortion on me. I know that lots of people AREN'T affected by abortion but I know I might be.

I just had an email from my loveliest dad and he said things in a very kind way... it made me feel even sadder to be honest. I will edit and post here in a bit...

I am actually very sad reading this (and quite tearful to be honest) as my dad is a very wise, worldly man and not one to be suffering fools gladly.i know he cares very much for all of us and is only thinking of us and our future. His email really helped me in some ways but has made me more heartbroken in others.

Look, set an end-date to make this decision. Eg. "This weekend I will sit down with my DH and go through finances, and on Monday I will decide". I think the time spent trying to decide is more painful than anything.

I have a feeling your DH will refuse to cooperate. He may have sinister motives, or he may just like a cushy life and not want to live on beans on toast to facilitate a new baby - not ideal perhaps, but understandable. So build that into your plan - if you don't have information from him on finances, how will that impact on your decision on Monday?

If your marriage doesn't survive this, would you rather 3 dcs and no H to 2 dcs and your H? Suppose you break up anyway, would you rather be on your own with 2 or 3 dcs?

Have the courage of your convictions. It's not right to just run down the clock in the hope that people will be less angry with you.