Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Just spoke to my mother who was still saying that think it is going to be hard to live with 3 DC, we will be even more broke than before, think of the impact on others and especially my current DC, having an abortion only affects me but having a baby will affect my whole family etc. Plus we will be very very poor etc and have no holidays. They won't be bailing us out and I will have to accept the consequences if this is the path I choose etc

I think this and your dh saying you should have an abortion would make me want to run for the hills.

This is coercive control by your own mother who I suspects still sees you as a child and she is there to look after your children and feed you and take over when you do something she doesn’t like or to clean up when you mess up.

It looks like you have 2 people controlling you and to be perfectly honest neither wants what is best for you.

Your mother is only worried about how it will effect other people and your dh is only concerned with money.

I think you mentioned that he earns too much for any benefits and you go on to say it isn’t enough because he works in London.

But he only works there 3 days per week

Presumably you don’t live there so I have no idea why you would expect a London salary.

Me personally I would be dumping both your mother and husband and having the baby.

There is something wrong with your finances or your dh s job if he can’t afford to feed you on his salary.

Nrtft but I assume there must be financial abuse to some extent.

Do you get to look at how much he earns and what expenses and bills need to be paid.

I know you have had a crap year and I do think you need to maybe see a counsellor to work things through but I think adding an abortion that you do not want to your current situation is not going to do you any good and will probably tip you over the edge.

I get the impression that to some extent people around you prefer that you do go over the edge. It would suit their agenda.

I think divorce and having the baby, counselling and finding your feet will be better in the long term than dancing to other people’s tune

OP this thread has now been going for eight days. The resounding advice has been to talk to your husband and get a hold on the finances to see if this is doable. From the looks of your post, you haven’t done this. I too am wondering whether this thread is now just somewhere to ruminate and avoid taking actual action one way or another.
To that end, I don’t think it is fair to accuse the OP’s parents of coercive control - of course they are well within their rights to stop bankrolling the OP’s choices.

OP i think it is crystal clear that you do not want to terminate. Given that, I think it would be incredibly traumatic and damage your mental health and emotional wellbeing.
An unexpected baby can be difficult and hard work but it isn’t necessarily a disaster. You have had a very rough time, maybe a new small baby can be a new beginning for you.

I agree with @oliversmumsarmy. The decision needs to be down to you. Personally speaking, I would go nc with both mum and husband. They quite clearly will not support your mental and emotional well being if you go through an abortion, it will eat away at you and you will probably end up hating and resenting them. If you feel an abortion is for the best, then do it, but on how you feel not what anyone else thinks.

They are also well within their rights to at least mention the fact that there are other little children in this family that need consideration, not just now but in the years to come.

The Op also has health issues which may impact the care she gives her existing children, not to mention another one.

As grandparents they also have some responsibility for at least hightighting these issues..

It is the case the sooner you have a termination the more straightforward it should be. A no surgical procedure early on can involve taking a pill. So if you decide to do this it is far better to do so soon.

It may be that by not deciding yet you are in fact making a choice to continue the pregnancy. Which is fine but I think it will be be far better for you to make the decision definitively now and let others know your de ision. There may well be issues around control with your DPS and DH. What I would say is that whilst they may need addressing it strikes me this pregnancy is not necessarily going to help you make a stand. From all you have said your practical situation ( regardless of the causes) will not be improved if you have another DC.

Realistically you must decide. And soon. Endlessly posting/ going back and forth with your DH and DPS doesn't seem to be bringing you any clarity. It is difficult for you but in my opinion you need to move forward one way or another.

I’m really confused by all the posters slagging off your parents. To my understanding they have 2 children, a son who died a few years ago and a daughter who suffered a head injury that they are now helping out as much as they can with childcare and being very generous financially. It sounds like they have had a few very, very tough years themselves, only on mumsnet could they be called out of order, controlling monsters.
If they are going to be expected to provide even more childcare and financial help (and let’s face it, that very much appears to be the case) then they have every right to an opinion.

well said @beefcurtains.

It's not coercive control for the OP's parents to make it clear they will not find a further addition to the family, because they OP and her husband are not entitled to their financial support and shouldn't make decisions depending on it.

If the OP wants this baby - and it is her choice- then she needs to plan for how she/her husband will care for it and their other children going forward.

"Personally speaking, I would go nc with both mum and husband. "

And yet still expect her parents practical and financial support?

Added on to which they are far more likely to see the dynamics in OP's family and see what is likely to be a very difficult situation than the two recent posters who with no responsibility advise NC and going it alone.

I think you have far bigger problems with the dynamics in your family that has probably been uncovered by this pregnancy.

I don’t think you want to have a termination and that is why you haven’t done so yet and if you don’t want to have an abortion you shouldn’t have one.

I do think you do need to get a handle on where your husband is spending the money and how much he earns.

I presume he must be on a reasonable amount if he earns too much to get benefits.

Have you looked at how much you could have if you divorced and had this child. What benefits you could get. How much CM. you could get

Is your house bought or rented etc Is there a mortgage

It might be worth you divorcing.

That way your mother wouldn’t have the power over you. You wouldn’t need her to keep bailing you out and you would have your own money

Thank you once again everyone. It seems that the way I posting and what I write has pretty much spelt out how I feel - it is fairly transparent to most of you replying here.

Yes, you are right- those who say that I am posting here to ruminate and therefore delay my inevitable decision. The reality is that time is running out and I must decide either way. Decision making never has been my forte, but now that it comes to the crunch I am facing one of the biggest challenges of my life and I must face up to it sooner, as you all say. Delaying the inevitable certainly won't help.

Yes, new babies can be challenging for everyone but they don't always mean disaster, I agree. But as my DH pointed out earlier, I am beholden to my parents desires in many ways as they have held the purse strings for so long. My dad was even going to go so far as to email me all the reasons not to have the baby, so that shows how serious they are about it.

I think that an abortion will have a massive impact on me and my mental health but I have to honestly ask myself what would be worse - a DH and family that are affected by a new sibling for a lot longer than me being affected by the abortion..?

Only you can answer that.

And is freeing yourselves from your parent's purse strings not an option? You might be happier.

Given the fact that my parents have also seen their fair share of difficult times over the past few years, it would be putting them last and throwing their generosity back in their face to some degree if I did not have the abortion. They too have also lost a son and supported him through very hard times; perhaps they feel like they are not in a position to carry on continuing with such intense support to their remsining adult child.

I have to say @NooNoo you do present both sides very fairly

I think that an abortion will have a massive impact on me and my mental health but I have to honestly ask myself what would be worse - a DH and family that are affected by a new sibling for a lot longer than me being affected by the abortion

This abortion will affect you for the rest of your life.
I cannot believe the people who supposedly
Should want the best for you are only thinking of themselves

Never have an abortion to please someone else.

The more you write the more I want to know why you are needing so much help and financial bail outs

If you are that short of money then why is your dh going to work surely you would be better off on benefits. It sounds like he is paying more out to go to work than he earns if he cannot afford food.

It's not just about money is it @oliversmummy, the more important point is the impact now and in the future on her existing children

Your children might be happy to have a new sibling. You can’t endlessly second guess the future, it isn’t all your responsibility. You didn’t get pregnant on your own for a start !
This is your body, and your baby, and the only decision is do you really want to end this pregnancy or not ?
It seems to me, from your title, posts, and stalling, that you don’t.

What everyone else feels, or might feel, is irrelevant. It is what you want to do that matters.

If you are that short of money then why is your dh going to work surely you would be better off on benefits.

Why should the taxpayer have to finance another baby? Plenty of taxpayers cannot afford a baby themselves let alone financing somebody's third one.

Just to point out, abortion does NOT necessarily affect you negatively for the rest of your life. I and several of my friends have had one - a couple of friends have even had more than one - and nobody is negatively affected by it. Don’t tell yourself you definitely will be as you really don’t know. It isn’t fair to expect your parents to keep bankrolling you. You need to sit down with your H and go over your finances with a fine toothed comb as others have pointed out. Regardless of whether you had the baby, do you want to be financially reliant on your parents for the rest of your life? Why are you and your husband not actively trying to get out of this situation?

I quite agree that abortion doesn’t always affect people terribly. I have never had one, but close friends have, and have been fine.
However the friends who have very much not been fine have been the ones who clearly did not want to terminate but were pushed into it. For two of those women they never had another pregnancy, so it has been particularly heartbreaking.
No woman wants to go through a termination, but when it is a proper choice, and it is what that woman wants to do, then it can be fine. When it is something that woman has been manipulated into doing, it can have long term consequences.

Rearranging the finances is not really an option then, OP?

Downgrading the house, downgrading the car? I'm sure some monthly savings could be made, then maybe you could keep your baby after all. Plus you and your husband wouldn't have to rely on parents either, and they wouldn't have a say in whether or not you get to keep your child.

Unless there are other reasons? Like you're not currently coping with your two children. The house is a mess? Your illness is worse that you're saying here? Or your husband thinks he will crack up if he gets any more sleepless nights?

38 is not old but it is from a reproductive perspective. What happens if your baby is born with problems? Statistically you would be fine but pregnancies in later life do carry more risk.

I don’t think her parents are manipulating her at all! They are simply being very clear that financing another child is not an option. It’s good to be able to make decisions with all the facts and consequences.