Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I forgot to say you also fought for your diagnosis, which is a huge thing. I can't emphasise this enough. Don't let anyone walk on you, OP.

You mentioned your DH would have to take a pay cut of about £15,000 if he had a job in your local area.
If he is currently taking home pay of £2,100 per month, it suggests a salary of about £32,000 per year.
Is it possible his role only pays £17,000 a year locally? Could you look up jobs locally and see?

As to running out of time, I think you have upto 24 weeks, and won't find it hard to get one, on grounds of your health.

Nobody, OP or otherwise, would find it hard to get one before 24 weeks.

They don't have a cut off point before 24 weeks, for any social or personal reason. It's only after 24 weeks that serious health concerns to mother or fetus are the grounds for termination.

Before 24+0 you can have one.

Just spoke to my mother who was still saying that think it is going to be hard to live with 3 DC, we will be even more broke than before, think of the impact on others and especially my current DC, having an abortion only affects me but having a baby will affect my whole family etc. Plus we will be very very poor etc and have no holidays. They won't be bailing us out and I will have to accept the consequences if this is the path I choose etc.

I now feel even more crap than before

She also compared it to a miscarriage saying she has had a miscarriage and it was just like a heavy period. Plus of course I am leaving it too late and that,if it had been her , she would have had it done asap so didn't have to think about it so much and it wasn't even that developed etc.

I think your mother is being very unfair putting so much pressure on you. I was pressured into having an abortion more than 40 years ago ( different times I know ) and have also had 2 miscarriages and trust me it is not the same !!

As others have said you really need to get a good i sight into your family finances and get your DH to step up more and get rid of his fancy car !!

You being deeply, deeply unhappy and feeling that you were forced into a decision by your loved ones will affect everyone too.

I honestly don't know why your parents aren't looking at that BMW and thinking what the fuck, rather than pressuring you to have a termination that you'll find very hard to come to terms with.

Do you find it hard to cope in your daily life, OP? Are your parents paying for cleaners and helping out with the toddler so you can nap during the day or something?

Noonoo, could your DP be paying a lot into his pension? That could explain why he has a 40 grand salary gross but a take home pay that suggests more like 30 grand.

My mum also said 'you just take a pill so it is fairly straightforward isn't it?'

No, they aren't paying for a cleaner or anyone to help. I am on my own 3 days a week and I don't get any extra help from anyone unless my mum comes over to look after my DS while I do something.

I am not going to sleep well tonight after my conversation that I had earlier now.

My mum also says that she knows and understands how I feel completely but that it will affect so many more people having another child and she thinks that I don't truly get that properly.

Does your DH take over the parenting when he's home?

What would you do if you had a termination and then got pregnant again?

Apart from the finances (which could be rearranged) I'm not sure how having another baby will affect everyone unless you are not able to cope with the two children you have. Is the house filthy and are your current DC neglected?

Are your parents retired?

I’m sorry to say that your mother sounds very controlling. I would never speak to my daughter in that unkind and manipulative way and she’s half your age.

My DC aren't neglected, no, but my mum worries that I won't be able to give as much time or attention to my current DC if I have another. She worries about the impact on my eldest daughter.

My parents are retired but my dad is semi retired as he gives lectures on cruise ships so they go away about 4 times a year.

If you read many other threads on MN you will soon see how negatively an extra baby can effect the rest of the family. Think sleepless nights, not having time to care for the other children because mum is exhausted, no time to have days out or even time to go anywhere with the other children because everything revolves round baby. This isn't even to get into later when many other issues arise.

I think she has always been quite controlling and can be very critical. I think that is probably part of the reason my self esteem isn't great. My brother's friends were actually quite scared to get on the wrong side of her when they were teenagers (but they were all pretty awful TBH).

It’s quite easy to understand how another child can impact the existing ones surely? Less time, less attention and less money to go round are just some of the realities, sadly.

I honestly don't understand why the OP is hanging this out really?
Maybe I'm out of line here but I hope all the attention she is getting isn't stopping her making a decision one way or the other.

Your answer seems to be "but I want a baby" no matter how many people point out you can't afford to feed the kids you've already got.

Have you sat down and had a proper conversation with your DH about this?

It seems like you're just running down the clock until it's too late for an abortion and then you can say the decision has been made for you, hoping your parents will be guilted into paying for this baby when it arrives.

I feel sorry for your parents, they will be cast as monsters if they stick to their guns and refuse to fund your children. What happens if you get pregnant again after this one? It's madness, sorry.

Your answer seems to be "but I want a baby" no matter how many people point out you can't afford to feed the kids you've already got

She already HAS the ( unborn ) baby - she’s pregnant. Read the thread, she’s not taking about TTC.

They CAN afford to feed their kids . He runs a brand new BMW. It’s just she’s being financially abused.

I have read the thread, I know OP is pregnant .

That doesn't mean the only option is bringing another baby into a family that already has major financial and health problems, plus abuse if the DH is abusing her financially.

I wouldn't personally make my life any more incredibly difficult than it already is at the moment, but that's me, and we can all have different opinions.

Olga No, she doesn't already have the baby. She's pregnant, which could result in the birth of a baby, depending on what she decides to do.

And bringing her another DC into the equation when you are being financially abused, by the sounds of it, is madness.

Priorities your current DC OP. They deserve the very best. Not just emotionally, but financially too. Another DC would mean less of that.

Do not have an abortion unless you are certain that it is what you want.
I have seen friends destroyed by getting abortions that they were pressured into by partners, but did not really want.

I don't usually comment on threads like this, but I just wanted to chime in on the car finance comments.
We bought our car with a balloon final payment option, (we had a company car allowance so it worked for us). You pay X deposit and then so much per month for X years. At the end of the plan, you pay the balloon payment to keep the car or hand the keys back, you have other options - refinance the remaining amount or sign up to a new car in a new plan. There isn't the equity in the car that people here are assuming, I can't remember what the terms were if you needed out of the deal, but you lose the deposit regardless and there will be no equity towards a new car. Which is why the DH is saying they would need to find the cash towards a deposit, should they buy another car.