Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Thanks all

My parents are away on a cruise at the moment and my DM asked me if I had thought any more about a decision. I have been thinking very hard and truly feel like I am not sure what would happen if I had the baby but I would be heartbroken if I had to go through a termination. I had such a lovely time playing with my DC last night and I went out with them today as my Dd had an inset day. They honestly light up my life and have been such a source of comfort during all my difficulties.

I wish I could see an easy way out. My DH said he looked at the possibility of a cheaper car but said that the balloon payment would be loads (£13k) - money we just don't have.

If only I could wave a large wand and make all of this go away.

I will try to reply to Apileofballyhoo and Caledoniahasmyheartforever properly - thank you both for your great messages.

The DH got you pregnant when he should have had a vasectomy. Does he know how you feel about your kids, and how sad you'd be to have a termination? It seems rather cruel to make you go through with something that will upset you a lot especially after you've been so ill.

What do mean exactly by ''don't know what would happen if you had a termination''. Do you mean you think it could give you a breakdown?

OP, the balloon payment will be offset by the car value, or you can trade it in for a better repayment value. Call the dealership or the finance company tomorrow and run through the options. Don't take what he says as gospel when he just wants to keep the nice car that he chose!

I'm getting angry for you. How dare he prioritise this over your wellbeing, emotions, choices and feelings!

You said the car was recently purchased. Was this when your parents were already giving you money? If so, he should have known you couldn't afford this make and model. A 2 year old hatchback would have been cheap and reliable and fit you all in. Selfish fucker he is.

If you would feel heartbroken after a termination, I think you should go ahead with the pregnancy. You have to prioritize your own mental health. No-one should expect you to do something that could make you really ill either.

You could try explaining to your mum how you feel, that you really don't feel you could cope emotionally with a termination. What're they gonna do? They can't literally physically make you.

You all cope with 2 DC's, you can cope with another.

It's your body and mind, no-one else's.

I really feel for you OP. xxxxx
WTF kind of car does your husband think he needs lol? I've never even heard of a 'balloon payment.' He could get an OK second hand car or even a basic new one for a few grand. His priorities are ALL WRONG. That money could go towards you and the baby. You could say 'I'm going to keep this baby so I need you to prioritize it financially' or something? :/

ArmourVert yes, that is what I am scared of. Not being able to cope with the aftermath and the memory of the abortion procedure etc.

All this shite about cars. He just doesn't want another kid.

The car bollox is just an excuse. He's taking advantage of your good nature, OP.

Also - OP, your husband is not good with money, whatever he tries to make you think. You live in a 4-bed house and drive 2 cars, one of which is a luxury car. And he's 50 years old and needs parents to foot the food bill. This is someone that is unusually shit with money.

^ I understand RE aftermath. I'd feel the same. I really do feel for you, OP.

They should all think your health is really important. I know they think a new baby might be too much for you, but I think you feel a termination would be worse/really bad for you.

There's probably some counselling you could have after it if you decide to go through with it.

I'm not anti-abortion in general for those that want it BTW, I just think no-one should be forced/manipulated etc into it.

Thank you ArmourVert and Interestedwoman.

Despite what PP said about me being immature and selfish etc, given all the factors I have explained and the background and things I am considering, I hope that they can see why I am in such a quandary. It simply isn't a case of saying 'I don't want an abortion and I want my parents to pay for it.' It is so much more complicated than that, and I think that I am justified in feeling like I do in a way.

Of course you're justified in feeling the way you do. I'd feel just the same.

Do you think in the future (if you were to go ahead with a termination) you would resent your husband? Or do you think you would feel that the time just wasn't right for another child, it was just unfortunate bad timing due to finances?

Or, if you did go ahead with having the baby, do you think your husband would just adapt and be basically OK with it in the end, or would he really resent you for going ahead?

It's not in your other DC's interests for them to end up with a mum who has a breakdown, either. x

It'd be very constructive I feel to see a counsellor, at the very least to discuss which decision is right for you.

Interestedwoman I totally agree, and I actually said that to the pregnancy choices counsellor that I was talking to last week. She said that she could understand why this would be a worry.

ArmourVert yes, I think it would mean that I might resent my DH if I went ahead with a termination, as much as I would always be telling myself of the reasons why I chose to have one.

But OTOH, if I end up with not as much support from my family and DH if I had the baby, then that would potentially be a lot harder for much longer.

Interestedwoman my mum is a very much one of the 'pull your socks up and get on with it's generation of people, and she said as much the other day, saying to me that she got through her problems in life by just carrying on. Of course, many people can and do make their own way through regardless, but it isn't always as easy for one person as it could be for someone else.

I could explain to her that I might not cope emotionally that well with abortion, but she will probably point out that I would have to cope with 3 DC and I might not be able to do this very well either.

Also, would it be at all possible to consider downgrading you house? 4 bedrooms is quite a lot, everyone's got their own bedroom plus you've got a spare room.

I'm not saying massively downgrade to a small flat. But even a 3-bed semi could relieve pressure on finances, could it not?

Also, owning a 4-bed house and a BMW is somewhat off when buying food is a struggle. It's nice to have the house, but it seems an illusion, kinda phoney, rather than a smart choice. Is it even sustainable when the sums just aren't adding up.

'But OTOH, if I end up with not as much support from my family and DH if I had the baby, then that would potentially be a lot harder for much longer.'

That would be them being not ok! It's really blackmail if they're implying they'd do this. I'm sure they wouldn't if/when the baby actually comes- not your parents anyway, and if your husband acts differently towards you then, he's an arse.

I also agree with Amor- that's a lot of house if you can't afford food :/

*Amour, sorry :)

OP, there is plenty of support here for you whatever you decide to do, and there'll be support here afterwards too. There are so many MNers who have really good advice on finances, and DC, and parents, and husbands. You have to put yourself first. Your DC deserve a happy Mummy, not one ground down by poverty and guilt. If your DH isn't willing to be a proper partner you'll find the strength to do it alone. You don't seem to see yourself as a strong person, whereas when you tell your story and I see how much you have overcome, I know you are extremely strong with amazing resilience. You're able to put all the worries and pressure to one side and take joy in just being with your DC. That's a sign of how mentally strong you are. You clearly are highly intelligent and earned a good living sufficient to buy your own place at 26. When you had DC you were able to find work to enable you to continue to earn whilst taking care of your DC. Those are big achievements.

(That's the time when all money should have been put in one big pot by the way.)

I think you've allowed yourself to think you are off lesser worth because you haven't been earning. That's simply not true. If you weren't there how much would your DH have to pay for childcare? For cleaning the house, someone to do the shopping and cooking? Think about that.

Apileofballyhoo - fantastic post, I couldn't agree more.

Thank you so much Apileofballyhoo - your lovely thoughts and post is the kindest thing that anyone has said to me for a long time. You have made me quite tearful! 😘💖 I am a lot stronger than I realise, you are right. I guess I don't give myself enough credit for it.

I guess the main thing that I want from this is to make sure everyone's wellbeing is ok after whatever option I decide to go for.

^ You're such a sweet lady, OP.

Is there much longer to go before you have to make a decision one way or another?

I have to agree 100% with @Apileofballyhoo, thank goodness you have other more supportive posters on here now.

You read threads on here about women who are coerced into sex as they feel they have no option, how many women are told that coerced sex is rape! Im not comparing it to rape, merely illustrating how seriously it is taken when a woman’s choices are ignored and she is coerced into sex (a physical act) she doesn’t want. There is a parallel here because this is a physical act/ procedure on your body, that you don’t want! From your recent posts it sounds very much like you already love the little life inside you and you are being coerced into a procedure (physical act) that would violate your body and take the little life from your womb, I would be very surprised if the hospital will want to go ahead with an abortion that you are clearly being coerced into.

An abortion that you choose, that you willingly decide to have can be traumatising enough, but a coerced abortion will have an even more traumatic and lifelong impact. That’s why it’s so important that you get to make the right choice for you! No matter what that choice is!

In your shoes, I would tell your dh and your parents that the pressure they are putting you under is wrong, that this is your body and you won’t be forced into a procedure that you don’t want to have! Tell them you are keeping this baby and they can choose to abandon you if they want, but you will not be bullied into an abortion that you will forever regret! They are betting on you letting them walk over you. Once they realise that you won’t be bullied they have two choices, shut up and support you, or leave you to support your children alone. Which by the way (once benefits are claimed) you will be more than financially capable of!

My bet is that your parents will back off and continue to support you. If your dh leaves, then that is his prerogative but he made this baby with you, he failed to take the responsible route and have a vasectomy/ use a condom so he cannot blame you here!

Can I ask, did your dh consult you when he arranged to buy this expensive car on finance? Did your dp give him the deposit believing it was for your use, or believing it was for your DH’s use? It seems madness that he is paying £300 a month for a fancy car that he literally only drives to his parents house, where he then leaves it as he then catches a train. Do you think your in-laws are using the car whilst he is at work? Surely he could use the old banger? Or is he too embarrassed to be seen in the car that you drive?

It seems madness that he bought that car when your dp are having to then spend the same on feeding you and your dc! I would look into what can be done with the car, I don’t know much about balloon payments but I would look on the finance threads on here and on the moneysavingexpert forum for advice.